Air travel is safe and fun

Before buckling up for takeoff, makee sure to check under your seat for terrorists.

Never attempt to light a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight.

Only a small minority of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash landing."

Just follow this simple diagram if you and the others are to have any hope of survival.

Our "Wet 'n' Wild" ocean-rafting amenity is offered free on select flights.

Life vests in first class are equipped with a tin of Pringles and a wedge of smoked brie.

Children who refuse to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply on the head.

Please keep all genitalia inside your clothing for the duration of the flight.

If a terrorist should brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency door.

Passengers are encouraged to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.

Customers may enjoy our complimentary oxygen during the death plunge.

Once the shark tears off your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso afloat.