Fake obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
By
John Breneman
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, high-ranking al-Qaeda hatemonger, died
unexpectedly today when his "safehouse" was smashed
to Hell by bombs.
He was 39.
Zarqawi was identified by fingerprints, facial recognition
and the "Martyrs
Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.
U.S. forces described Zarqawi's death as a victory in the
war on terror, but an al-Qaeda spokesman called it a victory
in the war FOR terror, saying 500 new Uncle Sam haters just
signed up for suicide bomber boot camp.
There are conflicting reports on whether Zarqawi is currently
burning in the underworld or gangbanging 72 virgins in the
promised land. Also killed in the U.S. offensive, Zarqawi's
#2 man, his #3, 4, 5 and 6 men, his longtime manicurist and
his beloved Jack Russell terrier, Mr. Boom-Boom.
Born in Jordan, Zarqawi is remembered as a prodigy at the
elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor,
"By
the time Abu reached sixth grade he was already hating America
at a ninth-grade level."
A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists
Local 666, Zarqawi rose to prominence as host of the popular
Iraqi game show "Who Wants to Be a Martyr?"
A devout Muslim, Zarqawi reportedly spent two hours a day
in prayer and another hour and a half playing Sudoku. In his
spare time he enjoyed doing needlepoint, watching "Three
Stooges" reruns and slaughtering innocent women and children.
Known for his uncanny resemblance to the American comic strip
character Zippy
the Pinhead, he also enjoyed pranking people with
his prosthetic leg and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow.
His hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy,
homemade videotapes and creating savory new recipes for human
flesh. He was the co-author of the Baghdad Times bestseller
"Killing Americans For Fun and Profit."
Friends say he will be remembered as a hero and a role model
for young terror whackjobs. "He never let respect for
human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology,"
said Ayman
al "Fred" Zawahiri, a possible successor.
"And he never met a non-Muslim he didn't hate."
His loss will be felt throughout the Islamist terror community
and the Internet is crackling with "chatter" about
who will take Zarqawi's place at third base on the al-Qaeda
company softball team.
Zarqawi teamed up with Osama bin Laden in 1999 after
the two met at a terror jamboree in Afghanistan, but sources
say Zarqawi had a falling out with his former mentor and once
told Al Jazeera that, ever since 9/11, bin Laden "thinks
he's Allah that."
Services
will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu
of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Zarqawi's name
to the American Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.
Related stories:
Zarqawi
the Pinhead cartoon causes carnage -- Feb. 8, 2006
Al-Zarqawi’s
approval rating falls -- Nov. 25, 2005
Osama
Bin Laden's list of travel demands -- March 24,
2006
Bin
Laden's driver linked to Miss Daisy -- March 30,
2006
Posted 3 years, 11 months ago on June 9, 2006
