Bush sworn in on a stack of Bibles
By
John Breneman
Basking in the glory of his terrific/horrific war to liberate/obliterate
Iraq, President George W. Bush used his inaugural address
today to take aim at a new goal: "the greatest achievements
in the history of freedom."
The president's grand plan to end tyranny by bullying the
world into liberty was revealed shortly after Chief Justice
William H. Rehnquist administered the presidential oaf of
office. Bush insisted on taking the oath with his left hand
resting upon "a whole stack of Bibles" to reflect
his personal commitment to using religious imagery for personal
gain.
The history-minded president evoked the memory of John F.
Kennedy by recalling that turning point at age 40 when Bush
quit his beloved booze, made God his new best pal and said
to himself, "Ask not what your Daddy can do for you --
ask what you can do to be more like your Daddy."
After saying "freedom" 27 times and "liberty"
on 15 occasions, President Bush Jr. concluded with a word
from his loyal colleague and trusted adviser, the Lord: "May
God bless you, and may He kick the ass of anyone who messes
with the United States of America."
The White House dismissed criticism of the $40 million spent
on Bush's lavish inauguration, saying that amount wouldn't
even pay for seven hours of his nifty $1-billion-a-week war.
An additional $20 million security effort insured that insurgent
protesters would not disrupt the day by invoking their quaint
First Amendment rights.
The inauguration was attended by a parade of dignitaries,
including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus Christ and Dick Cheney's
lesbian daughter.
Former President George H.W. Bush arrived by parachute, touching
down next to his wife Barbara, whose uncanny resemblance to
George Washington grows with each passing inauguration. They
were accompanied by son Jeb, the Florida governor who is widely
believed to be next in line for the Bush throne.
Banned from the historic proceeding was a reporter from the
Humor Gazette, the influential satire publication that made
news by rejecting a $240,000 White House payoff to promote
the president's controversial "No Body Bag Left Behind"
initiative.
Other Humor Gazette exclusives critical of the president
include the following:
-- "Bush
received faulty intelligence from God" (July
14, 2004)
-- coverage
of that embarrassing moment when a baby peed on him at the
Republican convention (Aug. 31, 2004)
-- the
Gazette's dung-in-cheek "endorsement" of Bush
(Aug. 27, 2004)
--
the infamous "Fistful of Jelly Beans" report comparing
Bush, unfavorably, to his hero Ronald Reagan (June
7, 2004)
-- the
release of documents proving that the president is an asswipe
(Sept. 22, 2004)
-- a
Gazette scoop questioning whether Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
(April 10, 2004)
-- satiric
coverage of the president's memorable "Something will
pop into my head" speech (April 14, 204)
-- critical
analysis of his "joke" about weapons of mass destruction
(March 26, 2004)
-- a
report taking the president to task for "flip-flopping"
on Osama bin Laden (Oct. 14, 2004)
-- coverage
of his pre-election threat to use military force against any
Democratic candidates he felt posed a threat to his presidency
(Nov. 4, 2003)
-- his
suggestion that an unfavorable Newsweek poll was unpatriotic
(May 17, 2004)
-- his
handling of the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal
(May 25, 2004)
-- Bush's
nomination for a "Purple Chin" award for sustaining
a mountain bike injury in the line of duty (May 30,
2004)
-- hard-edged
analysis of his "trickle-down" policy of pissing
in America's ear and calling it a golden beacon of democracy
(Oct. 11, 2004)
-- his
"firing" by Donald Trump (March 2, 2004)
-- a
story speculating about the president's forked tongue
(June 4, 2004)
-- a
critique of the president's nuke-u-lar ramblings, "Misprouncing
a lie doesn't make it true" (Aug. 16, 2004)
-- an
irreverent debate preview with rules to the "Presidential
Debate Drinking Game" (Sept. 30, 2004)
-- vice-presidential
debate analysis revealing Dick Cheney's ability to secrete
toxic venom through his fangs (Oct. 6, 2004)
-- a
report critical of the president's missionary position on
gay marriage (June 7, 2004)
-- a
report critical of his "No Slacker Left Behind"
education plan (May 25, 2004)
-- a
review of a book critical of Bush written by a former White
House janitor (March 24, 2004)
Posted 5 years, 5 months ago on January 20, 2005
