Global warming caused
by increased activity in Hell

By John Breneman

Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have solved the mystery of global warming.

A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Hell.

Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis, Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly to Hades.

For example:

-- Snatching of souls is up 29 percent over the previous fiscal year.

-- Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 65 percent, due in part to triple-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and greed during the 1980s and 90s.

-- Underworld space constraints have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.

The Helsinki report also cited the Devil's incendiary work here on Earth, noting that the FBI is now examining what appears to be charred, cloven hoof prints lifted from shredded Enron documents.

The report also charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East.

Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp roundly denounced the University of Helsinki findings as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."

"This is just another example of the Devil being used as a scapegoat for man's innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena, Montana.

Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.

"The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch -- call him what you will -- has been around for thousands of years perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense."

The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington, D.C.

Bush says terrorists are behind Newsweek approval rating poll

By John Breneman

President Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating "sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our resolve."

Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke out" those who believe he might have made a mistake. In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek survey, Bush grinned and said, "I doesn't read Newsweek." Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed, but acknowledged that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe his butt. The New Yorker, too.

"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers. The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing chickenhawks and Halliburton executives.

Bush declined comment on a survey that showed his approval rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don't live in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi detainees. The president's approval numbers are holding firm at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed in his mistake-free war.

The good news is that Bush's approval rating is 94% among those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously complex nation and get the hell out.

Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate the president in several other key area. The results:

-- Upheaval rating - 98%

-- Funereal rating - 86%

-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe a president shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed analysis)

-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who enjoy using Photoshop to paste Bush's head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and Tasmanian devils)

-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of the "Mission Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey photo-ops)

-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people not troubled by the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)

-- Surreal rating - 100%

Study shows alcohol
effective against sobriety

By John Breneman

A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of sobriety.

A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with George W. Bush at the helm.

"The number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration," said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute. "Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."

The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.

"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater, administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying," said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine Research.

Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects, including but not limited to:

- Nausea
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional marriage
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"

Presidential punching bag

By John Breneman

Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser? Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?

You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old 1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?

Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com. The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with Bush-whacking sound effects.

In this corner … from Crawford, Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! … W! …BUSH!!!

And in this corner … from Main Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna take it anymore … YOU!

It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff! Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole, his thorax and malignant fib-nose.

A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days, some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical you can order the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda Been a Contender” Kerry.

But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.

Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one America now has in the eyes of the world.

No boxing experience necessary. Bring him on!

New poll finds Jacko is wacko

Michael Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in the bad and dangerous war."

People mag names top 50 pretty people

Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt more comfortable being represented by "someone with long silky white hair." In other legal developments, Jackson insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.

The famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moonwalking on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr., Pamela Anderson and Tinky Winky.

Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus juice."

Jackson admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel Lewis and Pee-Wee Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.

Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.

In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is a sick child molester. But 93% "strongly agree" with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael Jackson, moonwalking that fine line between artistic genius and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."

Related stories:
Jacko takes Iowa primary
Jackson denies plastic surgery escape scheme
People magazine's "50 Most Insignificant People"
Parade magazine's "What People Earn"

President tells nation, 'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'

By John Breneman

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay the course.

His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine. The president had successfully ducked one question about whether he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another about "personal responsibility for September 11th."

He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice, when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead of individually.

George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire, the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White House play closet.   MORE

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.    MORE

Related story:
President sends Wile E. Coyote on mission to nab bin Laden