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September 29, 2006
Port boss needs to get his slurs correct
Port boss needs to get his slurs correct
By Chris Elliott
I am appalled at Geno Marconi’s reappointment as head of Portsmouth’s Port Authority, not so much because of his highly publicized racial slurs, but rather because, according to Portsmouth Herald reportage, it seems to me that he might have invoked the wrong one.
The slurs were directed at a ship’s captain referred to as Captain A in much of the press coverage. Marconi having admitted to using the racial slur, "sand nigger," naturally I was thinking Ahab the Arab from the old Ray Stevens song. Next though, the Herald printed the captain’s name, and it was Pakistani, sort of the buffer zone of racial identifiers between the Arab world and India.
Additionally, the Herald reported that the captain was born in India. The captain’s last name was in the tradition of a group of Pakistani nomads who ended up settling in Punjab, which is among the disputed lands in Kashmir, between India and Pakistan. It sounds to me that the ship’s captain might not be a sand nigger at all. He might even be a dot-head.
Any regular readers of this column know that I am a stickler for precision in language, not necessarily in argument or rhetoric, which in my opinion are bettered by remaining fluid, but the terminology, the word-by-word tool set must be respected to an absolute, and if Marconi is calling an elephant jockey a camel jockey, I have a problem with that.
Amateur racists like Marconi have to learn that races don’t start and end with cartographic precision at the drawn border.
Those lines are usually, if not always, drawn by professional racists, who don’t know anything about the actual people who live nearby where the lines are being drawn. It’s always a drag when you’re a dirt farmer and one of those lines gets redrawn and now all of a sudden it goes through your property, because you know it means you and your family are going to die.
Other colorful terms allegedly uttered by Marconi include "towel head." If indeed Captain A were Indian or Pakistani, that might still apply, as some components of Hindu prefer a turban, though it’s interesting to note that as a rule, Indian turbans are far more kempt and artful than their Arab counterparts.
The other portion of the docket against Marconi references complaints about a "New York Jew and his Chink wife" regarding various criticisms of operations at the port. The New York Jew in question is now leveraging this negative publicity into a quid pro quo straight out of the politically correct payback gamut. I say let’s not fall for it. This is part of the knock-down-the-salt-pile-and-put-up-a-river walk-crowd that can count on a thumbs-down sandwich from this desk any day.
But more to the point of this essay, when Marconi says something as reductive and dehumanizing as the word, "Chink," how can we trust that he’s even gotten it right in light of the possible mischaracterizations of "sand nigger?" We know he’s got it all wrong in spirit, but what about fact? Is she really Chinese? Or is she Japanese, in which case he might have referenced his "nip wife," or if she were Pacific Rim his "gook wife," or if you wanted to discriminate and slur further through Cambodians, Laotians, Vietnamese and Thai, you might wander further down that path of racist rhetoric, with its unending and as such ironic diversity.
So what is the point of all this? Take it from me, your Mick/Limey correspondent; you should be careful what you wish for. Marconi is one of the few remaining vestiges of Old Portsmouth, and if you want to usher in a reign of antiseptic and invisible Dubai Port World management that contributes nothing to a local economy or local color, this is the easy, cheesy way to do it. It’s an ugly mess that Marconi should have foreseen, and now that he’s been spanked in public, you can bet that it won’t happen again, unless of course a bunch of Portsmouth wops, spics, and moulies start mouthing off about port operations.
Chris Elliott can be reached at CDElliott009@aol.com.
Related story: Serious scrap By Nicholas Brown
Posted by John Breneman at 8:09 AM | Permalink
September 27, 2006
Suicide bombers call in sick
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick
Make-believe suicide bomber Akbar Kapowi
|
By John Breneman
In a shocking development in the war in Iraq, no suicide
bomber blew up a bunch of innocent victims yesterday.
This marks the first day in recent memory that no dim-witted
Muslim extremist jackass has blown himself, and bystanders,
to smithereens.
An anonymous terrorist leader calling himself "Deep
Goat" said plans for moderate to heavy violence fell
through for several reasons, including inclement weather and
a rumor that all that bull about banging virgins in Heaven
is actually a load of camel dung.
"Deep Goat," believed to be a regional manager
for Insurgents R Us, said the lack of senseless death is just
an aberration and assured that regularly scheduled suicide
bombings will resume tomorrow.
Several of the rocket scientists scheduled to blow their
brains out yesterday called in sick and others came up with
a variety of excuses. One claimed the dog ate his "Martyr
Manual," another had to attend his son's graduation from
Bush the Anti-Christ Elementary School and yet another realized
that Allah, like most self-respecting deities, actually frowns
on killing innocent people in his name.
Other excuses included:
-- overslept
-- accidentally sent suicide bomb vest to the dry cleaners
-- ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
-- wife was nagging him to remodel the rape room
-- found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
-- realized mission would interfere with lifelong dream of
crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
-- figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein
material on eBay
Posted by John Breneman at 9:30 AM | Permalink
| Comments (1)
September 25, 2006
Pope: Islam is 'really swell'
Pope
says Islam is 'really swell'
 By
John Breneman
Pope Benedict XVI, reaching
out to Muslims offended by his recent comments about
Islam being an "evil" religion, today said he actually
believes Islam is "really swell."
"Oh yeah. I have a lotta new Muslim pals and they are
really good dudes," the pontiff told Al-Jazeera morning
show host Regis Zawahiri. "Seeing myself being burned
in effigy around the world was kind of a wakeup call. It was
like, duh, I'm not the boss of Mohammed."
The pope said "the Koran, the Qur'an -- whatever you
call it -- is a real page-turner," but observers said
he seemed fidgety and kept looking back over his left shoulder
as he concluded his remarks. "To recap, Islam is really
awesome. So please don't firebomb the Vatican, OK?"
In a related development, the artist formerly known as Cat
Stevens (and currently known Shut Your Piehole, Idiot)
spoke out against the pope, saying his remarks cast a dark
"Moon Shadow" over the papacy and urging the pontiff to get
onboard the "Peace Train."
Related stories:
Pope
apologizes to Rosie O'Donnell -- Sept. 18, 2006
Bashin'
of the Christ
Help
Wanted: Pope -- April 18, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 1:10 PM | Permalink
| Comments (1)
September 22, 2006
Humor questionnaire
Humor us with this foolish questionnaire
 In
order to better serve YOU, the reader, I have compiled this questionnaire
as part of my work in the cutting-edge field of humor column research.
My bosses are pressuring me to provide 8-10 percent more laughs
in each edition of the Humor Gazette. I'm hoping the data you provide
here will help me tap into the very marrow of the human funny bone.
The first 100 respondents will be eligible to win a gold-embossed
collector's edition copy of my new best-seller - "Blah Blah
Blah, Etc." (Offer void in parts of South Berwick.) To ensure
optimum results, I must request that you please hold your laughter
until the end of this column.
 Warning:
The following questions are "multiple choice," so respondents
will need a working knowledge of the "alphabet."
1. When is your favorite time to read humor columns?
A. During an intimate moment with a loved one.
B. While speeding down the freeway and chattering on the cell phone
in heavy traffic.
C. After the weekly liposuction treatment.
D. In those peaceful, solitary moments just before flushing.
 2.
Do you prefer humor columns that are:
A. side-splitting
B. knee-slapping
C. rib-tickling
D. windpipe-constricting
3. What is your favorite snack to nibble on while reading humor
columns?
(select up to 6)
- kippered herring
- tofu jerky
- lima bean pizza
- Meat Whiz
- refried chitlins
- Oysters Rockefeller
- Venezuelan caviar
- animal by-products
- Spam-flavored lollipops
- Tender Vittles
- Pepto-Bismol smoothies
- that nasty brown stuff that Grandma used to make
4. What is your current employment status?
A. pencil pusher
B. suit
C. dot-com geek
D. brown-collar slop jockey
5. What is your current family status?
A. single
B. double
C. disowned
D. married, divorced, remarried and living in squalor with 3.5 kids,
6.5 cats and an incontinent gerbil named Petey.
6. What is your current financial status?
A. mo' money
B. no money
C. self-made pauper
D. assets not sufficient to maintain the lifestyle to which you
have become accustomed.
7. How much would you pay for this column if it was not provided
free as part of this fine newspaper Web site?
A. 1 yen
B. a plug nickel
C. a red cent
D. $1.2 million
8. What are some of your favorite humor column topics? (select
up to six)
o society's seamy underbelly
o squirrel terrorists
o philandering politicians
o humpbacked sperm whales
o humpbacked politicians
o porcelain fixtures
o the role of monkeys in U.S. foreign policy
o algebraic equations
o machine gun-wielding gnomes
o blonds
o Polish sausages
o the mating rituals of the indigenous North American loser.
9. What is your greatest fear?
A. fear itself
B. snakes
C. George W. Bush
D. missing an important final exam because you have no clothing
and can only run in slow-motion.
10. What is your favorite name to call those idiots who cut
you off in traffic?
A. idiot
B. @$*#% jackass
C. nincompoop
D. road rage victim
Congratulations. Now that you have completed the questionnaire,
you are eligible to enrich your life by reading the Humor Gazette
as often as you like. However, I know your time is at a premium
so before you just jump onto the bandwagon, I'm sure you'll want
all the facts.
Consider:
? Humor Gazette columns offer
24 percent more insipid punch lines
than the other leading brand.
? Each week, we will print a generous
supply of comical words like "beancurd," "whimwham"
and "government."
? Special bonus columns will be peppered
with rib-splitting words like "putty," "angstrom
unit" and "Jello-brand gelatin."
? We also offer exclusive special
reports like "True Confessions of a Praying Mantis,"
"The Trouble With Genetically Engineered Raisins" and
"Youth Violence: Friend Or Foe?"
? And finally, this column has been
endorsed by groups as diverse as Physicians For
Social Repugnancy, Daughters of the Albanian Revolution and the
National Water Pistol Association.
Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is:
A. almost as funny as gangrene
B. a pathetic little man
C. a veritable comic juggernaut
D. no longer allowed to play with weapons of mass destruction.
John Breneman
Posted by John Breneman at 8:38 AM | Permalink
September 20, 2006
Popeye stricken by tainted spinach
Popeye
stricken by tainted spinach
 By
John Breneman
Cartoon legend Popeye the Sailor Man is in stable condition
at Bethesda Naval Hospital, where he is recovering after sucking
several cans of bad spinach through his corncob pipe.
The 77-year-old Popeye, a colorful spokesman and lobbyist
for the spinach industry, defied FDA warnings that more than
130
people have fallen ill from a deadly outbreak E. coli
attributed to the leafy, iron-rich vegetable.
The muttering, one-eyed muscleman, who credits a spinach-based
diet with giving him steroid-style forearms and super-human
strength, claimed the spinach scare may be the work of his
arch-nemesis Bluto, perhaps as part of yet another scheme
to steal Popeye's girl, the floss-thin anoerxia poster girl,
Olive Oyl.
Related stories:
Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed
Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
Li'l
Abner hurt in meth lab blast
Posted by John Breneman at 9:45 AM | Permalink
| Comments (1)
September 18, 2006
Pope apologizes to Rosie
 Pope
apologizes to Rosie O'Donnell for slamming Islam
By John Breneman
Pope Benedict XVI today asked forgiveness from Rosie O'Donnell
for badmouthing Islamo-fascism.
Under the gun for saying it is "evil" to spread
religious beliefs "by the sword," and controversial
stuff like "violence is incompatible with the nature
of God and the nature of the soul," the
pope apologized to the Muslim world in general and
O'Donnell in particular.
"I'm
sorry if my reference to some 14th century Byzantine
emperor offended Muslims or any of Rosie O'Donnell's fans
in the radical, extremist, lesbian Islamo-Hollywood community,"
he said in an exclusive interview with Regis Philbin.
O'Donnell,
meanwhile, is taking heat for saying "radical Christianity
is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like
America." Inflammatory words. So it was vitally important
that the daytime talk show blabbermouth be burned in effigy
by the nighttime blabberpundits on cable, while enraged Muslims
torched pope posters in Pakistan.
In other cable-news news: Forensic analysts are conducting
tests to determine if chunks of shredded human flesh found
in the razor-sharp teeth of self-appointed CNN legal attack
dog Nancy
Grace is that of a young Florida woman took her own
life after being interrogated
by Grace about her missing son.
The incident sparked fresh debate over whether the Geneva
Conventions should apply to Grace's program or ratings-motivated
media grillings in general. Grace is also under fire for allegedly
waterboarding a sexy blonde teacher who banged one of her
students.
Related stories:
Help
Wanted: Pope -- April 18, 2005
Rev.
Jesse Jackson mulls pope bid -- April 11, 2005
Schiavo
autopsy reveals media in persistent vegetative state
-- June 17, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 2:09 PM | Permalink
September 15, 2006
Bad news for the noodle
Brain usage: 10% and dropping
 By John Breneman
The percentage of the brain that people actually use -- once
estimated to be 10%
-- is now approximately 8.2% and falling, according to a new
study in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.
The percentage of the brain utilized ranges from 12% in places
where there is no cable TV to a stultifying 5.9% in greater
Washington, D.C., according to Daft Foundation neurologist
Dr. Sarah Bellum. The study relied on both societal observations
and scientific testing to reach the conclusion that human
beings are getting dumber by the day.
Among its findings, the report revealed an alarming decrease
in the number of people who have enough sense to look both
ways before crossing the street. However, the number of motorists
who vow they will NEVER use a turn signal, even if it helps
save a human life, appears to have stabilized at 72 percent.
The Daft Foundation team also administered electroencephalogram
(EEG) brain wave tests to a cross-section of test subjects
and found that 92% of them thought EEG referred to an oval-shaped
breakfast food made by a chicken.
The study also reported the estimated percentage of the brain
utilized by the following test groups:
 Rocket
scientists -- 10.2%
Laboratory mice -- 11.3%
Administration officials -- 2.1%
Steroid users -- 4.2%
Drunk drivers -- 0.10%
Reality TV show producers -- 1.6%
TV "news" talking heads -- 0.003%
Moronic humor columnists -- 0.002%
Posted by John Breneman at 8:50 AM | Permalink
September 12, 2006
Spears names new baby T-Bone
Spears baby to be named T-Bone
 By
John Breneman
Britney Spears has given birth to a boy, the second of her
12 children, and a source close to her cigarette dealer claims
the beloved pop commodity plans to continue the trend of oddball
celebrity baby names like Suri, Coco, Shiloh and Apple.
"Yeah, she's gonna name him Camel, either that or Marlboro,"
said Cleetus Chesterfield, a Kentwood, La., tobacco distributor.
Off-the-chain hip-hop megastar Kevin Federline, believed
to be the baby's mama's "pimp daddy," is reportedly
leaning toward calling him Lil' K-Fed or Toxic G.
While mini FedX is just Spears' second child, he is at least
the fourth for Federline (father of Kori, 4, and Kaleb, 2,
with Shar Jackson). The National Enquirer is reporting the
opportunistic rap god may have sired as many as 25-40 children
with dozens of random "beeyatches" and "hos."
Spears reportedly delivered a 6-pound, 11-ounce boy just
before 2 a.m. Tuesday, via a rare procedure called an MTV-section.
In related news: Actress Minnie Driver gave birth to a boy,
Racecar.
Posted by John Breneman at 11:43 PM | Permalink
September 11, 2006
Sept. 11: Retrospective in satire
Bin Laden linked to Satan's pig-monkey
 After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at
an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his
First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians
alike with a relentless satire offensive.
"Our failure to publish stories like 'Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction' would be a victory
for the terrorist asswipes," he said.
The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times,
the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like 'Al
Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.' Below are
some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it
Surprise nomination:
Good
riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead
-- June 9, 2006 |
Bin
Laden plans debut on satellite radio
-- Jan. 20, 2006 |
Al
Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '05
-- Dec. 19, 2005 |
 |
Al-Zarqawi's
approval rating falls
-- Nov. 25, 2005
|
Terrorists
revealed
to be morons
-- July 22, 2005 |
London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist
jerks
-- July 8, 2005 |
|
Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick
-- June 6, 2005 |
Mother's
Day card yields clues on bin Laden
-- May 9, 2005 |
Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
-- March 28, 2004 |
|
Comic
bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
-- March 26, 2004 |
Voice
on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
-- Nov. 19, 2002 |
Rebuilding
Afghanistan
in our image
-- Dec. 10, 2001 |
|
Posted by John Breneman at 2:15 PM | Permalink
September 8, 2006
Dr. Leif Mann on foliage
Fall foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann
 By
John Breneman
Everyone knows that the autumn foliage in New England is
the finest in the world. But there is much about this annual
cornucopia of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have
decided to direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette's
resident foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.
Question: Where should I go to see the peak foliage?
-- Bud Smith, Exeter
Answer: The most glorious foliage in all the world
can be seen in a quaint Maine hamlet called Carotene Falls.
Unfortunately, you can't get there from here.
Question: If there is too much foliage in my yard,
should I use a defoliant?
-- Biff Dupont, New Castle
Answer: Uh, no. A defoliant is a chemical that strips
growing plants of their leaves. Believe it or not, if you
just wait a bit the leaves will fall off the trees by themselves.
Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should
I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?
-- Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth
Answer: No. I have found that it's best to hire an
experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.
Question: Where did the 2004 presidential candidates stand
on foliage?
-- Joe Voder, Dixville Notch
Answer: John Kerry was ranked the 5th-most pro-foliage
legislator in the U.S. Congress. He also voted FOR a $1.2 million foliage appropriation before he voted against it. George W. Bush believes we
can stop unwanted foliage by increasing the amount of toxic
emissions in the environment.
Question: Why are the trees so pretty in the fall?
-- Jenny, age 4
Answer: Well you see Jenny, leaves contain some green
stuff called chlorophyll. But the cold weather breaks down
the chlorophyll in most deciduous plant life forms. When that
happens, other pigments contained in the leaves (xanthophyll,
yellow; caretenoids, orange-red; anthocyanins, red and purple)
come shining through.
Question: Oh, why are there no blue leaves?
-- Jenny, age 4
Answer: Uhhh. Because.
Question: How can I protect my children from seeing
foliage on the Internet?
-- Jenny's mom
Answer: Of course it is best to shield your child
from all external stimuli, but that is not always possible.
Instead, you might consider raking up a big pile of leaves,
starting a bonfire, and throwing your computer into the center
of the flames.
Question: Who makes all the oxygen for humans to breathe?
-- Mikey, age 5
Answer: Plants and trees.
Question: Why are humans destroying the rain forests?
-- Mikey, age 5
Answer: Too much oxygen.
Question: How has the fluctuating stock market affecting
the international market for foliage-related goods and services
(cameras and binoculars, bus tours, T-shirts, petroleum products,
etc.)?
-- A. Greenspan, Washington
Answer: Let's just say that black market "Genuine
Maine Leaf Peeper" T-shirts are raking in quite a few
million yen in North Conwei, Japan.
Question: Are travel agents authorized to arrange
obscenely expensive leaf-peeping excursions for wealthy tourists?
-- Arthur Mulch, York Harbor
Answer: Yes, my sources in the industry tell me that
a Hampton travel agent is now offering a seven-day, seven-night
"Leaf Safari" package that starts with a champagne-and-hot-tub
limousine ride to the White Mountains. There, the group will
be flown to scenic Moosehead Lake aboard the S.S. Equinox,
a luxury dirigible that serves braised lobster and offers
unparalleled autumn vistas from the air. Tour organizers also
have arranged for a partial eclipse of the sun to create a
spectacular once-in-a-lifetime visual foliage extravaganza.
Question: What can we, as humans, learn from the humble
leaf?
-- Kofi Annan, United Nations
Answer: Well, if we humans could all develop the ability
to produce our own nourishment using the miracle of photosynthesis,
why we could solve world hunger and increase our disposal
income without triggering a windfall profits tax.
Question: Do leaves go to Heaven?
-- Jenny, age 4
Answer: Yes.
Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman has given up red
meat in favor of photosynthesis.
Posted by John Breneman at 8:42 AM | Permalink
September 6, 2006
Chihuahua sues Paris Hilton
Ex-Chihuahua sues Paris Hilton
 By
John Breneman
A disgruntled Chihuahua once owned by Paris Hilton is suing
the long-legged, pinheaded heiress for $2.5 million, alleging
lurid tales of canine porn and doggie-style debauchery.
 Attorneys
for the dog, identified in court documents as "Tinkerbell
7," claim Hilton had made "certain representations"
about taking care of the diminutive handbag-dwelling pooch
in "the lifestyle to which it has become accustomed."
A spokesman for Hilton claimed the dog was let go after it
breeched an unwritten agreement by peeing on a $500,000 jewel-encrusted
minidress while sitting in Hilton's lap at Daddy Bling's in
Monaco. But the dog's legal team says several eyewitnesses
will testify that "Paris had already peed on the same
dress at least twice that night."
The lawsuit also hints at domestic abuse. "Paris used
to beat me," claims the former pet, citing one incident
in which it suffered a fractured front leg when Hilton "bitch
slapped" it for walking in unannounced while she was
entertaining an identified pile of men.
Tinkerbell 7, who once dreamed of hauling his mistress to
glory in the MTV Celebrity Iditarod, has been reduced to panhandling
(yapping "Where's the beef" for spare change on
Rodeo Drive) and doing guest spots on shows like VH1's "100
Nastiest Celebrity Poop-Related Incidents."
 Related
stories:
Al-Qaeda
snatches Paris Hilton
-- June 12, 2006
Rapper
50 Cent introduces 50 Scent
-- Sept. 23, 2005
Ono!
... Yoko to blame for McCartney split
-- May 19, 2006
Anna
Nicole's Supreme Court sex romp
-- March 1, 2006
Posted by John Breneman at 10:33 AM | Permalink
September 3, 2006
Where's Whitey?
 Where's
Whitey?
By John Breneman
The FBI would neither confirm nor deny that it tried to lure
Whitey Bulger out of hiding yesterday by throwing a fake party
for his 77th birthday. In this version of the old fake-lottery
scam, the fugitive shows up to collect his presents and --
wham -- he's busted for 18 or 20 murders by agents in clown
suits.
But Bulger's too smart for those FBI clowns. Since Whitey
went ghost in 1994, he's been "spotted" in almost
every state and dozens of countries spanning every continent
but Antarctica -- thanks to a $1 million federal bounty on
the Pale One's scalp.
Whether eyeballed in Bali, recognized in Reykjavik or stared
at in Stuttgart, Whitey remains at large -- and larger than
life. Jack Nicholson is stoked to channel Hub gangster's signature
blend of stone-cold ruthlessness and sexual deviance in a
new movie called "The Departed" -- a delightfully
blood-drenched Boston mafia caper also starring Matt Damon,
Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Sheen. Sources
say Whitey may try to sneak a cameo sporting his now-famous
white Red Sox cap, dark sunglasses look.
But he still can't shake being linked to Osama bin Laden
on all those most-wanted posters. Both men are wanted by the
U.S. government in connection with a reign of terror, and
both have been abetted by the U.S. government (Bulger receiving
FBI protection and bin Laden arms in Afghanistan in the '80s)
in connection with a reign of terror.
Word is, Whitey's ripped that the Islamo-whatever terror
boss rates $25 million in reward dough to his lousy $1 mil.
But hey, he's eluded justice for way longer than the tall,
turbaned head of the Tora Bora Hill Gang (heckuva a job, Whitey).
Come to think of it, maybe President Bush would have better
luck smoking WHITEY out dead or alive.
It won't be easy, though, because Bulger -- a master of disguise
with steely blue eyes -- uses an assortment of aliases. Whitey
is not the man's only aka, OK? To throw authorities off his
trail, Whitey sometimes switches over to Blackie.
Imaginary sources say he also goes by Whitey Ford, James
Brown, Red Buttons and Mr. Pink. In Acapulco he is known as
Senor Blanco. But a word of warning: Don't call him "Tighty
Whitey" or he is likely to strangle you with a pair of
mens undershorts.
Today, James Joseph Bulger shares a birthday with fellow
paragon of moral virtue Charlie Sheen, 41, and prominent Hub
merchant and "bargain basement" inventor Edward
Albert Filene (1860-1937).
But the million-dollar question remains.
Where's Whitey?
Some say he is probably masquerading as a retired college
president or distinguished ex-legislator. Others say he's
the reputed kingpin of a Tuesday night bingo syndicate in
St. Petersburg. And there are those who swear they saw him
performing in the Blue Man Group in Las Vegas in 2004.
You've heard the rumors (they count as rumors if I make 'em
up, right?) -- the aging gangster has replaced old cronies
Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi and "Cadillac
Frank" Salemme with geriatric bruisers named "The
Salad Shooter" and "Minivan Fred."
Meanwhile, the Whitey sightings continue to pile up. I saw
Whitey Bulger drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His
hair was perfect. No wait, that wasn't him. Or was it?
Cause you know he’s out there somewhere. A source close to Whitey’s agent said he plans to celebrate by jamming a big knife into his birthday cake (vanilla with vanilla frosting), playing pin the tail on Sal Mineo and taking a tire iron to the head of some poor pinata.
Posted by John Breneman at 11:04 PM | Permalink
| Comments (1)
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