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November 27, 2006
Operation Shop & Awe
Black Friday cash registers
jingle all the way
 By
John Breneman
Several people were hurt and 140 million Americans
sustained an estimated $9 billion in damage to their bank
accounts on Black Friday -- the coordinated pre-dawn assault
on the nation's retailers also known as "Operation Shop
and Awe."
The quest to obtain the most sophisticated video-game
weapons technology led to scattered violence, with unconfirmed
reports of Shiite shoppers targeting Sunni PlayStations in
strife-torn Circuit City.
Experts say the post-Thanksgiving economic offensive
marks the opening salvo in the annual campaign to spend billions
on material goods for Jesus' birthday. Several wise men representing
the National Retail Federation predict U.S. shoppers will
fork over $457.4 billion before the Dec. 25 deadline.
 This
despite simmering tensions between the (cheapo 42-inch plasma
TV) haves and have-nots, and heightened concern over how U.S.
policies affect the availability of Tickle Me Elmo T.M.X.
Related story:
Bush
eyes Santa for Cabinet post -- Dec. 13, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 11:07 AM | Permalink
November 21, 2006
Pardon the turkey?
Lame duck pardons
turkey
By John Breneman
President Bush today pardoned a turkey that had been indicted
by a federal grand jury for leaking a highly classified U.S.
government cranberry sauce recipe.
The president then thanked the feisty, feathered beast for
its service to the country and awarded it the Congressional
Medal of Freedom. The bird, identified only as "Tom Doe,"
was also pardoned for attempting to sexually assault the president
during the photo-op.
Democrats reflexively gathered outside the White House to
protest the pardon, the war, White House malfeasance and Bush's
smirking face. One man waved a banner calling the president
"soft on turkeyism."
President Bush is reportedly holed up at his ranch/bunker
in Crawford, Texas, where he is said to be excited about an
opportunity to "clear some brush."
Related story:
Thanksgiving
down off'm Greenleaf Parsons Road
Thanksgiving
blessing #1 and #2
Posted by John Breneman at 8:14 AM | Permalink
November 17, 2006
Curious George goes to Vietnam
Curious
George goes to Vietnam
 By
John Breneman
President Bush arrived in Vietnam today, poked his head out
the doorway of Air Force One and declared, "I love the
smell of democracy in the morning."
When an aide explained that Vietnam was overrun by communist
forces after America pulled out in 1975, Bush responded, "That's
what I call 'cut and run.' " And when told the pungent
aroma was actually canine teriyaki being sold by a naked,
7-year-old street vendor, the president added, "Zoinks."
Ushered to a nearby podium, Bush greeted Vietnamese Prime
Minister Nguyen Tan Dung by asking, "Is your name really
Dung?" and then making a stinkface while pretending to
sniff the bewildered head of state.
The president said he hoped to discuss trade agreements and
then maybe "take a flame-thrower to some Viet Cong, for
old times' sake."
Bush explained that he wanted to come to Vietnam back in
the early 1970s but his mom wouldn't let him. Plus, he reasoned,
he would have risked accidentally earning some medals for
getting wounded in action and knew better than to give some
future political enemy that kind of ammunition to use against
him.
The president said sending young Americans to their deaths
in Iraq had given him a deeper appreciation for the wartime
risks he evaded as a younger man, when he weaseled his way
into, then out of, the Texas Air National Guard.
 Asked
for his thoughts on the Vietnam War, Bush said, "Our
boys did a heckuva job over here. Sean Penn and Charlie Sheen.
Robin Williams. I was really bummed out when Lt. Dan lost
his legs." He lauded the Khmer Rouge as "a heckuva
bottle of wine."
Also on the president's itinerary: a basketball game between
the Hanoi Red Menace and the Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers.
Related story:
Cheney
suffers Vietnam deferment flashback -- Feb. 14,
2006
Posted by John Breneman at 8:15 AM | Permalink
| Comments (1)
November 13, 2006
VH-1 shooting Charles Manson reality show
VH-1 shooting Charles Manson reality
show
By John Breneman
Negotiations for a new Charles Manson reality show on VH-1
have broken down over the notorious serial killer's demand
that each episode end with the ritualistic slaying of two
baby gerbils and a music industry executive.
Footage has already been shot for several episodes of the
program -- tentatively titled "Charlie Knows Best,"
"Manson Family Values" or "Death to the Television
Whore-Bastards."
In one, a heavily shackled Manson visits an old-folks home
and delights skeptical seniors by teaching a workshop on how
to carve Nazi insignias into their foreheads.
In another, furious when guards at California's Corcoran
State Prison strip a tattered Farrah Fawcett poster from his
6-by-8-foot "crib," Manson sets fire to his mattress,
poops on the floor and spits into the camera 142 times.
Manson spews contempt for his rivals in one chilling segment,
fashioning a crude jailhouse shiv from a Mountain Dew can
while threatening to eat the intestinal "sweet bread"
of Hulk Hogan, Danny Bonaduce and Flavor Flav.
VH-1 insiders also are touting a special cameo in which Lynette
"Squeaky" Fromme is caught trying to assassinate
President Bush, ex-Beach Boy Brian Wilson and Oprah.
A source close to the guy who cleans the maggots out of Manson's
beard claims the celebrity psychopath delighted producers
with his catchy signature slogan: "The streets will run
red with the Robitussin cough syrup of the non-believers!"
Posted by John Breneman at 10:30 AM | Permalink
November 8, 2006
America to Decider: You stink, pal
America
to Decider: You stink, pal
 By
John Breneman
A disgruntled herd of donkeys stampeded across the nation
yesterday, leaving a trail of trampled elephant carcasses
and delivering a massive dookie-gram to the White House.
George W. Bush could not be reached for comment.
White House spiritual consultant Ted Haggard said he advised
the president to snort some crystal meth, get a massage from
a male prostitute and pray.
Millions of Americans -- sick of hearing about "cut
and run" and "stay the course" and "a
vote for the Democrats is a vote for the terrorists"
-- flipflopped the House of Representatives to start reclaiming
America from the crew that dragged us into the Iraq war on
phony "facts" and then botched it worse than a John
Kerry punchline.
However, a Republican spokesman expressed confidence that
Bush's buddies on the Supreme Court would award the Senate
to the GOP.
And so, following the nastiest campaign season in memory
-- negative ads featured fake mobsters, political porn and
footage of Hitler -- America is ready to demand answers about
the tricks used to lead us into war and the billions of dollars
squandered once we got there.
The pundits predicted disgruntled voters would turn Tuesday's
election into an anti-Bush smackdown, and they did. Mission
accomplished.
Posted by John Breneman at 1:32 PM | Permalink
November 3, 2006
Kerry tries stand-up, forced to stand down
Kerry
tries stand-up, forced to stand down
 By
John Breneman
That wacky
Josh Kerry (D-Massa ... Hey Lady!), he's got a million
of 'em. Yep, this war is a real knee-slapper. You probably
already heard the one about the blowhard politician who tried
to make a joke about the president being a clueless moron
and ended up distracting the voters from what a clueless moron
the president is.
One of Dick
Cheney's joke boys penned a good one for the boss
in response to the Kerry combat-boot-in-mouth incident, telling
the crowd at a campaign stop in Montana that Kerry actually
"was for the joke before he was against it."
Some troops "stuck
in Irak" also displayed a sense of humor. Perhaps
Sen. Kerry should have hired the Humor Gazette to knock out
a couple of Iraq gut-busters.
JOKE #1
Q: How many brave but undermanned, underequipped U.S. troops
does it take to wage an idiot president's unnecessary war
in a country that had no weapons of mass destruction?"
A: Ask Rummy.
JOKE #2
Q: What did the president of the United States say to the
incompetent hand-picked hack who led the administration's
botching of the Hurricane Katrina disaster?
A: "Brownie,
you're doing a heck of a job."
JOKE #3
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Iraq."
"Iraq who?"
"Iraq will greet us as liberators and become a shining
beacon of democracy and ululate the praises of President George
W. Bush from Basra to Fallujah."
JOKE #4
Q: How many no-bid government contractors does it take to
screw in a $600 Halliburton lightbulb in between power outages
in Baghdad?
A: The U.S. General Accounting Office does not know.
 JOKE
#5 (With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)
If terrorists threaten to kill soldiers that you put in harm's
way, and you tell 'em to "Bring it on" ... you may
be a redneck president.
If you're trying to rally the rest of the world to fight
terrorism and you tell 'em "you're either with us or
you're with the terrorists" ... you may be a redneck
president.
If yer idea of a perfect vacation involves clearin'
brush ... you may be a redneck president.
If yer vice
president shoots a man in the face on a huntin' trip
... you may be a redneck president.
* * *
Finally, I found the joke Kerry actually meant to deliver
at LotsOfJokes.com,
(author unkown).
George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under
false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the
Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit;
he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy
and corporations over the rights and needs of the population;
he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward,
the United States around the globe; he has ignored global
warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken
our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners;
he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States;
he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital
national importance.
Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach
him?
Related stories:
Terror
and laughter: Bush's stand-up routine -- Jan. 25,
2006
Comic
bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag -- March 26,
2004
Posted by John Breneman at 7:33 AM | Permalink
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