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« November 2006 | Main | January 2007 »

December 29, 2006

Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '06

Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '06

By John Breneman

Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an annual report released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.

While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest 2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions. Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.

The report also noted that Al Qaeda's policy of indiscriminately blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting its public image.

A key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2007 includes trimming the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the afterlife under their pension plans. So instead of being greeted in the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide bombers might instead get three Baghdad opium ho's and a bisexual goat.

Another blow to profits was slower-than-expected sales of Qaeda's anti-American video game system -- Sunni PlayStation 3. Its 2007 product line includes T-shirts ("Coed Naked Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"), Kid Dyn-o-mite belts for "Lil' Terrorists" and an Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.


Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead
-- June 9, 2006
Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio
-- Jan. 20, 2006
'Madman'
Hussein to
plead insanity

-- Nov. 28, 2005
Al-Zarqawi's approval rating falls
-- Nov. 25, 2005
Terrorists revealed
to be morons

-- July 22, 2005
London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks
-- July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick
-- June 6, 2005
Mother's Day card yields clues on bin Laden
-- May 9, 2005
Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
-- March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
-- March 26, 2004
Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
-- Nov. 19, 2002
Rebuilding Afghanistan
in our image

-- Dec. 10, 2001


Posted by John Breneman at 10:40 PM |

December 21, 2006

Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

By John Breneman

A report in this month's Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals that myrrh -- once a popular Christmas and birthday gift -- can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets to bubonic plague.

Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.

However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the substance -- a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia -- causes a range of malignant conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents began to exhibit a messianic complex.

Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.

"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as a baby and we all know how things turned out for him," said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."

Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.

But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today's most popular scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago," said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new fragrance by rapper 50 Cent -- 50 Scent.

In other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal meth." The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or snorted, the Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting a dramatic upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense labs throughout the rural South and Midwest.

Posted by John Breneman at 1:14 PM |

December 19, 2006

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Kris Kringle may be tapped to head
Department of Elf Education and Welfare or
Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development

By John Breneman

Firing Donald Rumsfeld didn't help him at the polls, so now President Bush hopes to boost his Grinch-like approval numbers by naming a universally beloved figure to a key Cabinet post.

According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.

Conservative pundits say the move could also be a decisive blow in the War on Christmas.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered sleigh, is also being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus' cutting-edge work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm that Mr. Claus' innate ability to tell who's been "naughty" vs. who's been "nice" made him an attractive candidate to replace Alberto Gonzales as attorney general.

And several leading economists -- noting Mr. Claus' powerful impact on the nation's gross national product each year at this time -- suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation's leading employer of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom are convinced that -- like those mythical weapons of mass destruction -- he doesn't actually exist.

FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus' background and "checking it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented "love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.

A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was about to leave on a very important annual business trip. But President Bush said he is eager to meet over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa Claus is coming to town."

Related stories:
Bush wounded in War on Christmas -- Dec. 9, 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 12:55 PM |

December 5, 2006

Britney's wardrobe dysfunction

Britney's wardrobe dysfunction

By John Breneman

Britney Spears is celebrating her much-anticipated divorce/comeback by treating herself to a rejuvenating Celebrity Slut Makeover at the fabulous Paris Hilton.

The luxury Hilton package includes low-rider limos perfect for the naughty new mom eager to score a tabloid splash by flashing her white-trash gash to the ever-present crotcherazzi.

The vagina-centric vacation comes with a penthouse suite at Hilton's notorious Tramp Tower and unlimited womb service. Hilton also offers complimentary pole-dancing lessons and pointers on how to eat a hamburger while humping a soapy car.

Spears also gets a free extra-small T-shirt for her 12-week-old baby. "Mommy flashed her (BLEEP!) with Paris Hilton and all I got was this lousy Gucci wifebeater."

A source close to Spears' clitoris said the pop tart loves Hilton's A-list parties and B-movie camp and that her September C-section isn't slowing her down one bit. ABC News reported: "In less than a week, cameras have captured Britney Spears' nether regions on four separate occasions."

One paparazzo claimed that when he blew up a shot of Spears' "junk" he was surprised to discover some lint and loose coins, a crumpled-up Cheetos bag and one of Hilton's fishnet stockings.

Etiquette expert Emily Post, after being revived, declined to comment but issued a statement reading, "Egad! Well, I never."

Stay tuned for breaking news on Britney's ongoing attempts to portray a kinder, genitaler image. And, now that pubic exposure is the sexy, hot new publicity strategy, other celebs said to be considering flashing their anatomy for the cameras include Star Jones, Martha Stewart and Hillary Clinton.

Related story:
Scent of a pop tart: Britney's new perfume -- Dec. 15, 2004

Rapper 50 Cent introduces 50 Scent -- Sept. 23, 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 11:31 PM |



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