• Bad news for the noodle
• JonBenet sicko, aka Pee-Wee
• Snake alert
• Hamsters banned from planes
• Bush fails second doping test
• Romney apologizes for anti-tar baby rhetoric
• Gibson's F-bomb cease-fire
• Recipe: Roast Ox Smoothie
• Saddam's hunger strike
• Tunnel vision

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Main

September 15, 2006

Bad news for the noodle

Brain usage: 10% and dropping

By John Breneman

The percentage of the brain that people actually use -- once estimated to be 10% -- is now approximately 8.2% and falling, according to a new study in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

The percentage of the brain utilized ranges from 12% in places where there is no cable TV to a stultifying 5.9% in greater Washington, D.C., according to Daft Foundation neurologist Dr. Sarah Bellum. The study relied on both societal observations and scientific testing to reach the conclusion that human beings are getting dumber by the day.

Among its findings, the report revealed an alarming decrease in the number of people who have enough sense to look both ways before crossing the street. However, the number of motorists who vow they will NEVER use a turn signal, even if it helps save a human life, appears to have stabilized at 72 percent.

The Daft Foundation team also administered electroencephalogram (EEG) brain wave tests to a cross-section of test subjects and found that 92% of them thought EEG referred to an oval-shaped breakfast food made by a chicken.

The study also reported the estimated percentage of the brain utilized by the following test groups:

Rocket scientists -- 10.2%
Laboratory mice -- 11.3%
Administration officials -- 2.1%
Steroid users -- 4.2%
Drunk drivers -- 0.10%
Reality TV show producers -- 1.6%
TV "news" talking heads -- 0.003%
Moronic humor columnists -- 0.002%

Posted by John Breneman at 8:50 AM | Permalink

August 29, 2006

JonBenet sicko, aka Pee-Wee

JonBenet sicko linked to Pee-Wee Herman

By John Breneman

Authorities say John Mark Karr, confessed non-killer of 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, has now implicated himself in the Natalee Holloway case, a Fallujah terror bombing and the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.

The spooky-looking Karr, a natural-born weirdo who suffers from a rare form of attention deficit disorder, has also claimed responsibility for visiting a Thai sex-change clinic, fathering Britney Spears' second child and a kidnapping scam involving Paris Hilton's pet monkey.

"Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket," said Karr, adding that he used to be married to Morgan Fairchild and is a distant cousin of Pee-Wee Herman.

Karr denied any connection to the Valerie Plame leak, U.S. intelligence failures in Iraq or the administration's sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina - but then quickly recanted, saying he was to blame. Then he asked if he could have another nifty free airplane ride with champagne, roast duck and shrimp cocktail.

Though his DNA ruled him out in the Ramsey slaying, authorities are still investigating Karr's claim that he is the bastard son of Shirley Temple's love child.

Posted by John Breneman at 10:44 PM | Permalink

August 19, 2006

Snake alert

Homeland Security cracks down on snakes

By John Breneman

Due to heightened Internet and media chatter about a plot involving some "(mother-fangin') snakes on a (mother-fangin') plane," the Department of Homeland Security today raised the Reptile Terror Alert Level to red.

Fortunately, Oscar-nominated badass Samuel L. Jackson reportedly has the mother-fangin' situation under control and is getting medieval on the mother-fangin' serpents in theaters across the nation.

The FBI is probing possible links to the Monty Python humor cell and the rumored presence of a uraniumhead yellow snake from Niger.

Federal officials slithered into action, mandating that all male passengers be vigorously frisked to determine if they are concealing anything that resembles a small or medium-size snake.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was shocked, saying, "I don't think anyone could have predicted those people would use (mother-fangin') snakes on a (mother-fangin') plane as a weapon."

Several leading Republicans accused the Democrats of being weak in the war on snakism and the media has made sure no American goes more than 11 minutes without hearing the words "snakes on a plane."

Related story:
Acorn plot linked to squirrel terorists -- Oct. 7, 2005

Consult your Homeland Security Horoscope

Posted by John Breneman at 9:24 AM | Permalink

August 18, 2006

Hamsters banned from planes

Hamsters banned from commercial flights

By John Breneman

The Transportation Security Administration today announced new airline security restrictions in the wake of the British plot to blow up planes with soda pop and baby formula. Officials are also investigating a terror scheme involving hamsters rigged with explosives and an Islamofascist gecko.

Passengers will no longer be able to carry on the following liquids: Nitroglycerin, goat milk, chicken soup, barrels of crude oil, urine samples, Chateau Lafite Rothschild, moist towelettes and triple lo-fat mocha latte frappuccino. Other banned liquids include Newman's Own Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing and excess saliva or perspiration.

Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Pez dispensers, toy assault rifles, cellular and rotary phones, Match-Lite charcoal briquettes, canned goods, frozen steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, kilos of cocaine, Ninja death stars and most hand grenades.

Also: Acetylene torches, PVC tubing, night-vision goggles, deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters, moth balls, Preparation H, subversive literature, acorns, pointy sticks, hollow chocolate Easter bunnies, Hummel figurines, Elmer's glue and Mel Gibson.

Related stories:
IMPORTANT: Air travel safety tips

Fake obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi -- June 9, 2006

Al Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung -- Aug. 5, 2005

London attack heightens worldwide hatred
of spineless terrorist jerks -- July 8, 2005

Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick -- June 6, 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 9:55 AM | Permalink

August 9, 2006

Bush fails second doping test

Bush fails second doping test

By John Breneman

Now that a second test has confirmed that his blood contained high levels of artificial testosterone, President Bush faces the possibility he could be stripped of his cherished "World's Greatest President" belt buckle.

Today's disclosure by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency also raises new questions about his controversial 2004 victory over rival bicycling pantload John Kerry.

Bush has long denied the use of performance-enhancing drugs, saying he quit back in 1986 when he gave up the booze and blow. But experts believe there is widespread cheating at the highest levels of geopolitical competition.

For example, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is said to be hooked on a cocktail of steroids, opium-laced hashish and camel growth hormone; Kim Jong Il on Viagra and Courvoisier. Hezbollah boss Hassan Nasrallah has a wicked crystal meth habit and Saddam Hussein was a mustard gas freak.

Sources say Bush is fixing to challenge Ahmadinejad and Nasrallah to a no-holds-barred, Texas-style mountain bike race.

Related stories:
Bonds rages against steroid allegations -- March 8, 2006

Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid probe -- March 18, 2005

Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush -- Feb. 14, 2005

Santa Claus denies use of steroids -- Dec. 25, 2004

Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall St.

Posted by John Breneman at 9:54 PM | Permalink

August 2, 2006

Romney apologizes for anti-tar baby rhetoric

By John Breneman

Clarifying his politically sticky use of the term "tar baby" in a July 29 speech in Iowa, Gov. Mitt Romney said he had no idea the term was racially insensitive.

Romney issued a heartfelt apology to all tar babies, crack babies and test-tube babies, as well as the NAACP and the lesser-known NAATB.

He said he never meant to offend fans of the legendary Uncle Remus story about Brer Rabbit, Brer Fox and the Tar Baby by linking them to his state's $14.6 billion Big Dig highway black hole.

Meanwhile, aides have advised Romney that next time he needs a metaphor likening the bureaucratically grotesque, and now deadly Big Dig to a "sticky situation," he would be better off using a more PC term such as "duct-tape baby" or "epoxy baby."

Romney, widely regarded as one of the whitest white dudes of all-time, has been criticized as a clueless "blue blood" by local black leaders. He's also been called a "punk" by the rapper Tar Daddy.

Romney denied reports that he angrily declared, "Tar babies are responsible for all the wars in the world!" But polls show 81 percent of voters believe he WOULD eagerly make such a statement if he believed it would help him get to the White House.

Related stories:
Why "Tar Baby" Is Such a Sticky Phrase -- Aug. 1, 2006 (Time)

Romney: The next president -- March 29, 2006 (By Chris Elliott)

Posted by John Breneman at 8:41 AM | Permalink

July 31, 2006

Gibson's F-bomb cease-fire

Gibson agrees to F-bomb cease-fire

By John Breneman

Simmering tensions in a strife-torn region of Mel Gibson's brain erupted in violence on Friday, when the drunken Hollywood hatemonger renewed his offensive against Israel while peppering police with a barrage of F-bombs.

The Oscar winner and Hezbollah spokesman agreed to a cease-fire and apologized for soiling himself with anti-Semitic bile while being stopped for drunk driving in Malibu.

He issued a statement apologizing for being a "despicable" jackass and blaming his intense hatred of Jews on booze. Gibson assured fans that his obligatory rehab stint will not affect production of his new film, "Jews Are Responsible For All the Wars in the World."

He also announced plans to shoot "Lethal Weapon 5" in Israel, promising lots of explosions, side-splitting gratuitous violence and plenty of "collateral damage." Joe Pesci will play a wisecracking suicide bomber and Rene Russo is on board as Lt. Sugar Tits.

Sobriety tests revealed the actor's blood-asshole level was way over the limit, but Gibson reportedly will not be charged with lewd behavior for telling the bewildered cop, "I'm going to (bleep) you."

A spokesman denied reports that Stark Raving Mad Max tried to bribe his way out of the jam by offering the cops cameos in his epic about the final days of Adolf Hitler, "The Passion of the Fuhrer."

Gibson, who is set to play an Islamofascist Archie Bunker in the dark comedy "Allah in the Family," reportedly has several more religious-themed films in various stages of development, including "Schindler's Grocery List" (subtitled, with all dialogue spoken in an obscure 12th-century form of pig Latin) and the nonviolent Hindu comedy "Weekend at Gandhi's."

Related story:
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar, in ...
"Lethal Whippin' " (or "The Bashin' of the Christ") -- March 2, 2004

Posted by John Breneman at 10:39 AM | Permalink

July 26, 2006

Recipe: Roast Ox Smoothie

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer day.

INGREDIENTS

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite, making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of anchovy and serve.

Posted by John Breneman at 8:45 AM | Permalink

July 17, 2006

Saddam's hunger strike

Saddam on hunger strike, gives up Doritos

By John Breneman

Saddam Hussein has begun another hunger strike, according to a source who said the cranky tyrant barely touched his wine-poached Tuscan salmon last night, then turned up his nose at his tiramisu cheesecake dessert.

Hussein is also refusing his vegetables, even when his jailers try the U.N.-approved "choo-choo train" method of getting him to eat. The judge presiding over his trial stated that holding Hussein in contempt of court wasn't working, so he ordered him to be confined in a holding cell for an extended "timeout."

With his latest tantrum, Hussein reportedly hopes to strike a blow for deposed genocidal maniacs everywhere. According to one of his attorneys, "The elite, pro-human rights media never prints the GOOD news about ruthless totalitarian dictators."

Related stories:
Saddam tells judge to 'go (bleep) yourself' – Jan. 30, 2006

'Madman' Hussein pleads insanity – Nov. 28, 2005

Photos prove Saddam possessed BVDs – May 23, 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 9:12 AM | Permalink

July 14, 2006

Tunnel vision

Tunnel vision

By John Breneman

I almost called in sick today. My excuse? Post-traumatic ceiling tile syndrome.

Sorry. Humor is how I cope when life gets weird and ugly, like it did for that poor woman – Milena Del Valle, Jamaica Plain mother of three – killed in Monday night's tunnel tragedy.

See, I drive to the Boston Herald each morning from New Hampshire , where there's no such thing as people being squashed in tunnels by massive chunks of falling cement. Sure, we Granite Staters relish our right to "live free or die." Just not in $14.6 billion taxpayer-funded death traps.

And not to get all "I used to drive through that tunnel every night" on you, but I used to drive through that bleeping tunnel every night – back when they were shutting down the Interstate-93 mine shaft so the late shift could plug those leaks and squirt fresh Super Glue on the mammoth concrete slabs hanging over our heads.

Big deal. I've come to understand that risky four-wheeling has been a special part of the Massachusetts experience since old Sam Adams got pulled over for hitting the homemade hooch in his horse and buggy.

I try to join right in on the whole "Boston driver" thing – the honking and cursing, the mad weaving and artful dodging, the coming to a complete standstill in the middle of a crowded freeway.

It's still full speed ahead when I whiz over the Charles and into the mouth of the Tip O'Neill tube each morning. But I think I've subconsciously added a few inches to the buffer between my front bumper and the other guy's tailpipe.

For us nervous New Hampshire commuters, it's good to know Gov. Mitt Romney has got our back. Why, after interrupting his vacation to stage that whack-a-hack press conference for Big Dig bigwig Matt Amorello, he rushed back to his Lake Winipesaukee command post faster than you could say "political opportunism."

In his memorable "Something happened" speech, Mitt bravely called for the hapless Pike head's head on a pike. The boys in Iowa sure will be impressed by his knack for turning tragedy into phony tough talk.

Well the probe is under way and someone will pay. Public Enemy No. 1 is Amorello Slim. Best guess for No. 2 fall guy?

Investigators will undoubtedly be taking a hard look at Ted Williams. It's sort of his tunnel, right? If that bigshot hadn't been so busy getting swindled by his jerk son, he might have found time to make sure that lousy thing lived up to his good name.

Now the legendary Red Sox slugger has this hanging over his severed, frozen, hermetically sealed head – half-baked media reports linking him to the unconscionable death of an innocent mom at the hands of greedy corporate highway barons, porky bureaucrats and finger-pointing pols.

Frankly, Ted doesn't need this baloney. Maybe the feds can pin it on Whitey Bulger. Better yet, Billy Buckner.

Mitt won't emerge unscathed. Count on a whole new batch of Mitt 'n Run jokes. Did you hear the one about the scariest Hub highway hazard of 'em all? The constant threat of being mowed down by a limo racing Romney to his next out-of-state photo-op.

Anyway, some say part of the charm of Boston driving is never knowing when the scaffolding might come crashing down or the roof might cave in. Maybe they should post some new signs. "Danger: Falling Three-Ton Symbols of Criminally Misspent Public Funds."

Posted by John Breneman at 8:23 AM | Permalink

July 12, 2006

Times leaks Superman's identity

NY Times leaks Superman's identity

By John Breneman

The White House today accused the New York Times of treason for leaking the identity of a key covert operative in America's war on terror -- Superman.

However, a spokesman for the Times claimed the information has been declassified since the 1950s, when the link between a certain mild-mannered newspaper reporter and the erstwhile Man of Steel was first made public to millions of TV viewers.

In a related development, the Daily Planet is reporting that Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Lois Lane faces possible prison time for refusing to reveal her source in a story about Lex Luthor's efforts to obtain kryptonite yellow cake from Niger.

The administration says the Times report ruins its plan to have Superman fly in and fix the mess in Iraq. Clark Kent could not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Hollywood spins off Spider-man's web -- June 29, 2004

Posted by John Breneman at 8:50 AM | Permalink

July 10, 2006

N.Korea flunks missile test

North Korea flunks missile test

By Chris Elliott

North Korea test-fired seven missiles on July 4-5, one of them a long-range ICBM, in clear defiance of the world community. The missiles fell harmlessly into the Sea of Japan, where they injured a sperm whale and wiped out a school of unwitting prawns.

President Kim Jong Il proclaimed the zero-for-seven performance a "grand triumph." However, his minister of missile research could not be reached for comment after being "honored" in front of a firing squad.

South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun said the missiles were likely constructed from parts stolen from a Hyundai factory scrap yard in Seoul, and remarked that Scott Peterson had a better chance of getting to Hawaii this winter than a North Korean missile.

President Bush emphasized diplomacy, saying North Korea "couldn't hit the broad side of a New York skyscraper" and advising Kim Jong Il that if he had more missiles to "bring 'em on."

Geopolitical analysts who have studied Kim Jong Il speculate the deranged Yoko Ono look-alike is aiming to solidify his legacy as the ugliest, dorkiest scourge in the history of the world.

There have been no signs of preparations for further weapons tests in North Korea, but one of the fallen missiles was returned to Kim Jong Il. It was reportedly covered with red ink and had a circled F minus at the top along with the comment, "You can do better."

Related story:
Angelina Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il -- June 13, 2005

Also by Elliott:
Mispronouncing a lie doesn't make it true -- Aug. 16, 2004

Spend hours, even months,
expanding your mind at the Chris Elliott Library.

Posted by John Breneman at 10:17 AM | Permalink

July 4, 2006

Crack found in shuttle

Crack found in foam of shuttle fuel tank

By John Breneman

The above headline from the New York Times Web site on Monday raises troubling questions about America's space program.

Most pressing: How did a crack dealer get close enough to the shuttle to hide a stash of rock cocaine in Discovery's foam-insulated fuel tank?

NASA engineers are now analyzing whether the mission should be scrubbed so they can check the O-rings for angel dust.

A source close to the shuttle's janitor said one of the astronauts was planning to conduct unauthorized experiments on the effects of crack cocaine in a weightless environment.

Police reportedly have questioned Lt. Tyrone Biggums, whose NASA bio identifies his hero as legendary Apollo 11 stoner Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin.

Related story:
Shuttle repair costs 'out of this world' -- Aug. 3, 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 10:56 AM | Permalink

July 3, 2006

July 4th, 1776

By John Breneman

Had to dash down to the Library of Congress this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds startling new light on our nation's very first July 4th celebration.

The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there, along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days before the Revolution.

The Washingtons -- George, Martha and little Denzel -- stopped by with some of Martha's famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered to be the tastiest in the Colonies.

John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who did nothing but complain that little Andy Jackson, also 9, kept knocking his glasses off.

Adams' older brother Samuel, wearing a stylish puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his famous "hand-crafted" beer and kept urging people to try his Bunker Hill Pale Ale.

Young Aaron Burr brought some pistols in case anyone wanted to duel and Benjamin Franklin had a box full of kites festooned with an array of stripes and stars.

Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson's Monticello estate, Paul Revere galloped up on his horse, Tea Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a Valley Forge Lager.

Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate host. He had set up a dunking booth with an unfortunate Tory dressed up like the King of England and the children hollered "Taxation without representation!" as they hurled stones to knock the hapless "king" into the water.

Garbed in a chef's hat and an apron embroidered with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal," Jefferson flipped burgers and hot dogs at the grill and ladled tankards of East India Company iced tea out of a barrel.

"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"

Spirits were high because there was a growing sense that the Colonies were sick and tired of being bossed around by King George III, who little Andrew Jackson kept calling "King Georgie Porgie Fatty."

After everyone was stuffed, Jefferson gathered the whole group and pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper with some fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began reading. "When in the course of human events," he began, "yada, yada, yada... We hold these truths to be, um..."

"Self-evident?" suggested Ben Franklin.

"Yeah that's it, self-evident ... that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of …"

"Beer!" shouted Sam Adams.

"Naked chicks!!" exclaimed Paul Revere.

"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who droned on for about 20 more minutes until Revere said Jefferson's "Declaration of Impudence" was right on the money.

John Hancock grabbed a pen and Adams spilled a little of his beer onto the edges of the document, saying it would help give it that "parchment" feel.

Then the celebration really started to get lively. Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed with gun powder and various minerals that produced colorful streaks when ignited.

As Hancock lit the fuse of a Red Glare Whistling Aerial Repeater, he was distracted for a moment by an attractive young slave and the charge detonated, blowing off both his right hand and his favorite powdered wig.

Fortunately, a young seamstress named Betsy Ross dropped what she was working on, grabbed Hancock's hand and began sewing it back onto his arm.

Despite the accident, John Adams suggested -- for real -- that henceforth we should celebrate our independence each Fourth of July with "pomp and parade ... guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forevermore."

So that's the story of our nation's first Independence Day. I still can't believe that I found it where I did -- scrawled on the back of a 230-year-old, corndog-encrusted cocktail napkin in the shaky but unmistakable hand of John Hancock.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is believed to be a direct descendent of Denzel Washington.

Posted by John Breneman at 10:59 AM | Permalink

June 26, 2006

Dodds' D.C. detour

By John Breneman

Skeptical of congressional candidate Gary Dodds' claim that he may have swerved to avoid a deer when he bumped into a guardrail on the Spaulding Turnpike then vanished for 26 hours, police are pursuing a new lead involving a possible second deer, perched on a nearby grassy knoll.

Dodds reportedly described the deer as 6 feet tall, 350 pounds, clad in a handsome brown pelt with a white patch on its throat and "dark, shifty eyes" -- possibly wearing a ski mask.

A wildlife expert said if Dodds had encountered a deer with his vehicle on the night of April 5, 2006, the animal would have been scared shitless. Yet the local CSI team found nothing when it dusted for scat.

However, they did discover pungent evidence suggesting the recent presence a large weasel. Unconfirmed reports suggest a magical unicorn also may have been involved.

Police have obtained a search warrant for Dodds' clothes to help figure out if he's been sending them on a wild deer chase with his amnesia-riddled tale of whacking his head and wandering the woods and rivers of Dover.

Shortly after the incident, Dodds seemed unsure about whether his 1997 Lincoln Continental had burst into flames (it had not) and whether or not he had been kidnapped by a previously unknown tribe of Granite State forest gnomes.

The befuddled Washington wannabe quickly demonstrated one of his key qualifications for Congress, blaming his woes on the media and accusing the local press of a "politically motivated witch hunt."

Sources say Dodds plans to lay low for a while, maybe cruise the Lincoln down to Rhode Island to get some campaign advice from fellow crazy-drivin' Democrat Patrick Kennedy.

Public opinion is split, with a new fake poll showing that 42% of the voters believe Dodds was probably just practicing lying in case he somehow won his bizarre bid to represent some extremely puzzled constituents in the U.S. Congress.

Posted by John Breneman at 11:19 AM | Permalink

June 12, 2006

Al-Qaeda snatches Paris Hilton

By John Breneman

Al-Qaeda terror crackpot Ayman al-Zawahiri has avenged the death of his pal Abu Musab al-Zarqawi by kidnapping American hotel heiress Paris Hilton.

Zawahiri appeared on videotape clutching a distraught, scantily clad Hilton, who was forced to read a statement renouncing "immoral reality TV" and calling American popular culture "ignorant, soulless and depraved. Like me."

U.S. intelligence confirmed that the abductee seen on the videotape -- and on a raunchy $19.95 companion bootleg -- is the flashy, trashy dumbass professional celebutramp.

Hilton also delivered her signature line -- "That's hot" -- as the terrorist held a glowing orange branding iron close to her cheek.

Hilton was snatched from a penthouse suite at the Baghdad Hilton where she was shooting a sex tape with the Greek National Guard. This according to a source close to the Mexican laborer who cleans up after one of her miniature Chihuahuas.

Nicole Richie could not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Al Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung -- Aug. 5, 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 8:31 AM | Permalink

June 9, 2006

Fake obit: Zarqawi

Fake obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

By John Breneman

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, high-ranking al-Qaeda hatemonger, died unexpectedly today when his "safehouse" was smashed to Hell by bombs.
He was 39.

Zarqawi was identified by fingerprints, facial recognition and the "Martyrs Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.

U.S. forces described Zarqawi's death as a victory in the war on terror, but an al-Qaeda spokesman called it a victory in the war FOR terror, saying 500 new Uncle Sam haters just signed up for suicide bomber boot camp.

There are conflicting reports on whether Zarqawi is currently burning in the underworld or gangbanging 72 virgins in the promised land. Also killed in the U.S. offensive, Zarqawi's #2 man, his #3, 4, 5 and 6 men, his longtime manicurist and his beloved Jack Russell terrier, Mr. Boom-Boom.

Born in Jordan, Zarqawi is remembered as a prodigy at the elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor, "By the time Abu reached sixth grade he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level."

A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists Local 666, Zarqawi rose to prominence as host of the popular Iraqi game show "Who Wants to Be a Martyr?"

A devout Muslim, Zarqawi reportedly spent two hours a day in prayer and another hour and a half playing Sudoku. In his spare time he enjoyed doing needlepoint, watching "Three Stooges" reruns and slaughtering innocent women and children.

Known for his uncanny resemblance to the American comic strip character Zippy the Pinhead, he also enjoyed pranking people with his prosthetic leg and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow.

His hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy, homemade videotapes and creating savory new recipes for human flesh. He was the co-author of the Baghdad Times bestseller "Killing Americans For Fun and Profit."

Friends say he will be remembered as a hero and a role model for young terror whackjobs. "He never let respect for human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology," said Ayman al "Fred" Zawahiri, a possible successor. "And he never met a non-Muslim he didn't hate."

His loss will be felt throughout the Islamist terror community and the Internet is crackling with "chatter" about who will take Zarqawi's place at third base on the al-Qaeda company softball team.

Zarqawi teamed up with Osama bin Laden in 1999 after the two met at a terror jamboree in Afghanistan, but sources say Zarqawi had a falling out with his former mentor and once told Al Jazeera that, ever since 9/11, bin Laden "thinks he's Allah that."

Services will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Zarqawi's name to the American Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.

Related stories:
Zarqawi the Pinhead cartoon causes carnage -- Feb. 8, 2006

Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls -- Nov. 25, 2005

Osama Bin Laden's list of travel demands -- March 24, 2006

Bin Laden's driver linked to Miss Daisy -- March 30, 2006

Posted by John Breneman at 8:00 AM | Permalink

June 6, 2006

Satan fails to destroy Earth

By John Breneman

Humanity and its allies claimed a major victory in the War on Satan on Tuesday, surviving a heightened risk of tsunamis, earthquakes, terrorism, bird flu, locusts and the raging hellfires of the apocalypse.

The Department of Homeland Security has dropped the Armageddon Risk Level from orange to yellow. The FBI would neither confirm nor deny that it is investigating scattered antichrist sightings throughout the Bible Belt.

Continue reading "Satan fails to destroy Earth" »

Posted by John Breneman at 11:32 PM | Permalink

June 5, 2006

Iran denies nuke-u-lar dreams

Iran agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar

By John Breneman

Sources say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is ready to accept President Bush's offer to open talks with Iran if it stops monkeying with uranium, on one condition -- Bush must agree to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear."

"I'm sick of hearing that chump talk about Iran's 'nuke-u-lar ambitions,'" said Ahmadinejad. "We want NUCLEAR weapons -- I mean energy -- not nuke-u-lar."

Washington insiders say Iran's offer is insincere because Ahmadinejad knows Bush will never abandon his beloved alternative pronunciation of the explosively symbolic n-word.

Nevertheless Ahmadinejad said he has much in common with the man he has come to call "The Decider," pointing out that they're both kinda slow and despised throughout most of the world. Also, the Iranian leader said, he just had to put a bunch of people to death for singing the Iranian anthem in English.

In a related development, China said it supports the U.S. move to engage Iran in "nuke-ree-er" negotiations.

Related stories:
Bush's new Iranian pen pal -- May 12, 2006

Bill would ban singing anthem in Pig Latin -- May 3, 2006

Iran gets bird flu bomb -- April 24, 2006

Posted by John Breneman at 7:52 PM | Permalink

May 29, 2006

Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute

Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute

By John Breneman

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally gunned down a dozen spectators while performing a Memorial Day 21-gun salute at an undisclosed location.

Cheney apologized for the holiday mayhem, saying he thought he saw a quail out of the corner of his eye. A bald eagle remains in critical condition.

A spokesman said Cheney feels really bad about the incident, but remains upbeat about sending 2,500 U.S. soldiers to their deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The vice president, who wisely obtained five deferments to avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, complained that the media always ignores all the "good news" on Memorial Day.

Meanwhile President George W. Bush, who wisely used family connections to avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, gave a speech saluting "the fallen" whom he had pushed into battle.

Posted by John Breneman at 12:11 PM | Permalink

May 24, 2006

Conn. woman fights for one of her cat's lives

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Posted by John Breneman at 8:06 AM | Permalink

May 22, 2006

Jacko wacko for Hoffa

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson today joined the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, saying he will pay up to $2 million for the bones of the legendary union boss, who went missing in 1975. A spokesperson for the Elephant Man confirmed that Jacko is wacko for Hoffa.

Jackson reportedly showed up at an FBI search site in suburban Detroit with a Gucci man-purse full of cash and a team of monkeys equipped with ground-penetrating radar. After a brief dance atop his custom stretch limo/backhoe, Jackson explained that his jones for Jimmy's bones dates back to the 2002 when he and Macaulay Culkin co-wrote a Hoffa screenplay while hopped up on Jesus juice. Slated to star Ashton Kutcher as a vacuous douchebag who wants to locate the missing labor leader to impress a chick he's trying to nail, the film's working title is "Dude, Where's Hoffa?"

The Humor Gazette has learned that some of Hollywood's biggest names are hopping on the Hoffa bandwagon, hoping to cash in on renewed public interest in the Teamsters president's rotting corpse. Harrison Ford is developing a script for "Indiana Jones: Quest for Hoffa's Bones" and sources say Madonna is pitching a pinball machine love scene with the elusive labor boss in "Desperately Seeking Hoffa."

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Posted by John Breneman at 1:19 PM | Permalink

May 19, 2006

Ono! ... Yoko to blame for McCartney

Ono! ... Yoko to blame for McCartney split

By John Breneman

Sources say Mills "really dug" McCartney, but eventually fell under the spell of Ono's shrill and relentless portrayal of Paul as a creative midget next to the God-like genius of John. Musical analysts say Ono's new single "(I Ain't Sayin' She a) Peg-Legged Gold Digger" -- a three-minute shriek accompanied by a chorus of baby harp seals in various stages of distress -- could be a subtle dig at Mrs. McCartney.

The latest polls reveal that Ono is also receiving a hefty share of the blame for the trouble in Iraq, the immigration problem and rising gas prices. The growing anti-Ono ire is good news for the Bush administration, which announced it has evidence linking the notorious band-wrecker to the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Ono's approval is nearing its all-time low of 3 percent in when the Beatles broke up in 1970, thanks to her. She recently provoked ire in the Muslim world by saying she is "bigger than Allah."

The eccentric widow could not be reached for comment because she is channeling all her karmic energy into her latest project -- a one-woman plastic Ono neo-coed naked Zen minimalist Haiku mosh pit.

Related story:
Pitt split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse -- Jan. 12, 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 9:13 AM | Permalink