By John Breneman

Punxsutawney Phil, the Pennsylvania groundhog credited with being able to forecast the coming of spring, popped out of his burrow yesterday and predicted six more weeks of government gridlock.

The groundhog also predicted the emergence of a groundhog-led political party, followed by six decades of peace and prosperity under iron-fisted groundhog rule.

The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet then bit one of its top-hatted handlers and scampered back into its heavily fortified underground bunker -- a move said to portend six more weeks of economic gloom.

Additional predictions by Punxsutawney Phil include:

-- A shocking 35-31 Groundhog victory in Super Bowl XLIV.

-- Six more years of the little guy getting screwed by Washington and Wall Street fat cats.

-- Six more weeks of hibernation, y'all.

Disgraced former presidential candidate John Edwards, who previously claimed that DNA testing would clear his sperm of any wrongdoing, today admitted that he is the father of a love child.

The news sparked rampant speculatation about whether former President George H.W. Bush would finally admit paternity of White House ne'er-do-well George W. Bush.

Sources say that after years of finger-pointing based on their nearly identical names and strong physical resemblance, the elder Bush may finally step forward to confirm what many have long suspected -- he is the father of one of the nation's all-time worst presidents.

Related stories:
Edwards flip-flops on infidelity issue -- Aug. 14, 2008

Bush may suffer from Iraq-tile dysfunction -- Jan. 2, 2006

By John Breneman

A report in this month's Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals that myrrh -- once a popular Christmas and birthday gift -- can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets to bubonic plague.

Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.

However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the substance -- a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia -- causes a range of malignant conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents began to exhibit a messianic complex.

Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.

"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as a baby and we all know how things turned out for him," said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."

Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.

But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today's most popular scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago," said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new fragrance by rapper 50 Cent -- 50 Scent.

Compounding the potential danger, the FDA is warning that at least one death has been traced to a batch of tainted myrrh from China. The black-market Chinese myrrh is said to contain additives ranging from arsenic and asbestos to coal and reindeer feces.

In other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal meth." The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or snorted, the Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting a dramatic upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense labs throughout the rural South and Midwest.

Related items:

VIDEO: Redneck Christmas CD
featuring Mr. Billy Buck Teefus,
American redneck savant

Arm yourself for
the War on Christmas
with high-tech Weapons of
Midnight Mass Destruction

"The Twelve Days of
(Gangsta) Christmas"

Holiday health tips
(Three killed in high-speed
gingerbread man chase)

Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here -- American redneck savant.

Here to tell you that - if you like pitbulls and hockey moms and "real Americans" -- why, you ain't gonna find a better book than this here new best-seller from Miss Sarah Palin -- "Goin' Vogue."

Them that can read tells me it's getting poor reviews from the godless elite liberal media.

But I like Sarah Palin, cause she knows how to pander to lowest common denominator types like me. Plus, we both believe in the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun.

So go on out and get yerself a copy of "Goin' Vogue" -- why, it's chock full of homespun, common-sense misinformation about how to field dress Katie Couric and how to fight off one of President Obama's death panels.

Palin calls National Geographic cover 'sexist' Sarah 'Going Vogue' in maverick memoir Billy Buck Teefus: Thanksgiving blessing '07 Billy Buck Teefus: Redneck Xmas album

Jacko Digest reports: Stone-dead Michael Jackson killed at the American Music Awards, winning four pointy plastic phallic symbols for the mantle at his multimillion-dollar hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.

As media e-jacko-lation ensues, the nation's leading jacko-logists estimate $1.2 trillion in jacko-nomic impact.

Pretty young thing Taylor Swift, who beat Dead Jacko for Artist of the Year, said: "To even be mentioned in a category with Michael Jackson, who we will miss and love forever, is both an unimaginable honor and a little creepy." Kanye West could not be reached for a pompous self-aggrandizing comment.

In other highlights Lady Gaga performed at a flaming piano, "in honor of that time Michael's hair caught on fire."

Related stories:
HUMOR/TRIBUTE: Jackson joins Peter Pantheon of 'Off the Wall' entertainers

Wacko sister says Jacko murdered

Top baby name for 2009 is ‘Jacko’

Jacko gets off: Verdict rocks globe -- June 14, 2005

Jackson testifies vs. Jacko at trial: Inner child cites years of abuse -- June 3, 2005

Tinky Winky claims 'Jacko touched me'

U.S. forces nab Jacko's #2 man in Pakistan

JACKO DIGEST

This just in: Oprah has made it O-fficial. In a major O-nnouncement that sent shockwaves from Chicago to Tokyo.

Winfrey is qutting Oprah to star opposite George Clooney and Danny DeVito in "O, Sister Where Art Thou?" and make her Broadway debut in "Phantom of the Oprah."

See the full story at my blog at the Boston Herald.

By John Breneman

Responding to criticism from Sarah Palin that her depiction on the cover of National Geographic was "sexist and oh-so-Newsweek," editors at the magazine defended the use of a provocative image paired with the headline, "GOP Cougar Unleashed!"

"Our interest in Sarah Palin is strictly anthropological," said editor Jack Wildebeest. "Plus we wanted to sell a couple million magazines."

Palin claimed the magazine played "gotcha" by tricking her into admitting that she doesn't believe in evolution.

According to the article: "Palinus Politicus (species: anti-homo sapiens) is a fierce, cold-blooded carnivore often mocked in the political jungle for stalking as prey the swifter, nimbler, more intelligent Kenyan Obama."

Palin, riding a wave of publicity with the release of her best-selling autobiography "Going Vogue" and a controversial Newsweek cover, also complained about sexist cover treatment in the Christian Science Monitor, Ebony and the Reader's Digest swimsuit edition. She is calling a report in Vanity Fair "unbalanced."

Sarah 'Going Vogue' in maverick memoir

By John Breneman

Media buzz over the new best-seller by conservative queen bee Sarah Palin climaxes today as "Going Rogue: An American Life" finally hits bookstores.

Also out today, "Going Rouge: An American Nightmare," a book of essays critical of Palin complied by two editors at The Nation and featuring a nearly identical cover.

And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from Humor Gazette Media -- "Going Vogue: A Real American ... Huh?"

With startling revelations about the former beauty queen (Miss Communication) turned Joe Six-Pack hockey mom, "Going Vogue" is already getting rave reviews from the godless elite liberal media and President Obama's death panels.

The publication -- described as "a revisionist look at a revisionist autobiography by America's most fabulous fabulist" -- reveals that along with creationism, Palin is a devout believer in creating her own reality.

"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every fetus to own a gun.

In the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to be the conservative movement's Cute Rockne.

Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"? You betcha.

In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin's call for the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman, the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue" spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker. (See videos below)

Palin's "family values" shtik is increasing her family's value by millions -- with her best-selling book, lucrative reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and a new line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

Related story:
Our Fox puppet report on Sarah Barracuda's fishy, salmon swimming upstream-of-consciousness resignation speech. -- July 5, 2009

Related links:
"Going Rouge" -- The Coloring Book

"Going Rouge: An American Nightmare"

Huffington Post -- Palin page

By John Breneman

Media buzz over the new best-seller by conservative queen bee Sarah Palin climaxes today as "Going Rogue: An American Life" finally hits bookstores.

Also out today, "Going Rouge: An American Nightmare," a book of essays critical of Palin complied by two editors at The Nation and featuring a nearly identical cover.

And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from Humor Gazette Media -- "Going Vogue: A Real American ... Huh?"

The publication -- described as "a revisionist look at a revisionist autobiography by America's most fabulous fabulist" -- reveals that along with creationism, Palin is a devout believer in creating her own reality.

"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every fetus to own a gun.

In the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to be the conservative movement's Cute Rockne.

Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"? You betcha.

In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin's call for the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman, the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue" spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker. (See videos below)

Palin's "family values" shtik is increasing her family values by millions -- with her best-selling book, lucrative reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and a new line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

BOOK REVIEW
Billy Buck Teefus,
American redneck savant,
on "Going Vogue"

(Today's episode of Triple-Action News
brought to you by the letters H1N1)

Filming of a popular PBS children's program ground to a halt today, as dozens of cast members reportedly caught swine flu when longtime colleague Miss Piggy blew out the candles on a birthday cake marking the show's 40th anniversary.

The Sesame Street Journal is reporting that Miss Piggy -- the lovelorn, porcine prima donna -- is under quarantine as a carrier of the deadly H1N1 virus. Kermit the Frog is said to be praying his longtime friend doesn't "croak."

Meanwhile, U.S. Rep. Roosevelt Franklin has sponsored legislation mandating that the H1N1 vaccine be made more widely available to the muppet community. But he admitted that, for now, his swine flu initiative is "just a bill, sitting here on Capitol Hill."

The Sesame Street Journal is also reporting that PBS superstar Big Bird has been identified as a possible carrier of the deadly and horrifying avian flu.

In a related story: Triple-Action News anchorman Reid Page needles the media's coverage of the swine flu "oink-idemic," with expert insight from porcine pundit Dr. Napoleon Hamm.

Good evening. I’m Triple-Action News anchorman Reid Page.

Tonight – Swine flu: Friend or foe?

Despite claims that humans cannot get swine flu from pigs, fears about a possible oink-idemic are sweeping the nation.

And – this just in – a new Internet rumor that director Steven Spielberg contracted H1N1 from R2D2.

Neither Mr. Spielberg nor Mr. D2 could not be reached for comment.

Questions about the swine flu outbreak abound, including how it might impact our nation’s pork-based economy.

Fortunately, the media is rolling up its sleeves to inject a dose of calm amid the hysteria – reporting that you CANNOT get swine flu from corndogs, hog jowls or pigs in a blanket. And there is no need to fear knackwurst or bratwurst, except in a wurst-case scenario.

Epidemiologists agree that swine flu vaccine offers the best protection, but say it comes with a risk ... of being trampled by the mobs trying to get some.

Meanwhile, the CDC says signs of possible exposure to the virus include rutting, oinking and speaking in Pig Latin.

To help put things in perspective, we go now to our chief swine flu correspondent, Dr. Napoleon Hamm.

***

DR. NAPOLEON HAMM (played by a pig puppet):

Yaahh! Humans gettin’ swine flu from us pigs. That’s hogwash, see.

Just the udder day I was down at The Sty shootin’ the slop with a couple a sows. And one of em tells me Wolf Blitzer sez Jimmy Dean’s under quarantine. Can’t get the vaccine.

Agghh! I’m sicka hearin about swine flu.

Swine flu got my bruddah but it’ll never get me, see.

SNEEZES

***

ANCHORMAN REID PAGE (now sporting a pig snout):

There you have it. Human beings cannot get swine flu from pigs.

However, just to be safe the Dept. of Homeland Security is cautioning people to avoid unprotected relations with members of the porcine community and warning all Americans to stay at least seven degrees away from Kevin Bacon.

Finally, President Obama is urging the American people to go about their daily affairs with an appropriate level of media-fueled swine flu paranoia.

Reporting LIVE from our state-of-the-art Triple-Action Newsroom, I’m anchorman Reid Page.

CLICK HERE: to see Humor Gazette videos on YouTube.

Inspired by Dustin Hoffman's Oscar-winning character in "Rain Man," this video is an homage to the national pastime by my imaginary baseball savant -- "Rain Delay Man."

It’s World Series time.
Fall Classic.

First played October 1, 1903,
Boston, Massachusetts.
Attendance 16,242 fans.
It was a Thursday.

Boston Americans beat Pittsburgh.
Cy Young – 28-9, ERA 2.08
He had an excellent slider.

National pastime. Colorful history.

Cubs win. Cubs win.
Last time October 14, 1908.
It was a Wednesday.

Tinker to Evers to Chance.
Excellent fielders.

Boston Red Sox.
1918 champions.
They sold Babe Ruth for $100. To the Yankees.
Ow.

Uh-oh.
Black Sox! Black Sox!
1919. Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner.
“Say it ain’t so.”

’27 Yankees. Murderer’s Row.
Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth
Sultan of Swat.
Bambino likes beer.

St. Louis Cardinals. 1934
Gashouse Gang
Dizzy Dean, 30 wins. 19 for Daffy.
Who’s on first? Ripper Collins
Excellent line driver.

October 15, 1946. It was a Tuesday.
Boston Red Sox. Game 7.
Ted Williams. Greatest hitter of all-time.
Severed head frozen at Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Johnny Pesky.
Enos Slaughter rounding third…
Here comes the throw. Not in time.
Red Sox lose.
Ow.

1955 Brooklyn Dodgers. Dem Bums
Jackie Robinson, definitely broke the color barrier
Duke Snider, Peewee Reese.
Finally beat the Yankees. October 4, 1955.
It was a Tuesday.
Roy Campanella … not a very good driver.

Carl Yastrzemski. Yastrzemski, Carl.
Born Aug. 22, 1939. It was a Tuesday.
Fans love Yaz. Won the Triple Crown in 1967.
Impossible Dream.

Uh-oh.
Bob Gibson pitching for St. Louis.
Ow. Ow.

1975 Cincinnati Reds.
Big Red Machine.
Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle.
All-time hit king – 4,256 hits.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner

1986 World Series. Game 6.
Who’s on first?
Uh-oh.
Billy Buckner.
Mookie Wilson at the plate.
Ow.

2004 Red Sox. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Bloody sock. Definitely bloody.

Great day for a ballgame.
Peanuts and crackerjack .
Don’t care if I ever come back.

World Series time.
Fall Classic.

Charlie Babbitt says: Any rebroadcast, retransmission or other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited. Definitely prohibited.

Rain Delay Man suffers from a rare form of Postseason Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Follow Humor Gazette on Twitter

By John Breneman

After going bonkers for the Balloon Boy hoax last week, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News today broke the news that a young boy dressed in a wolf suit had been kidnapped by "Wild Things."

When informed that the "Wild Things" news story was actually a movie that opened over the weekend, the media responded, "Oops. Never mind."

Defending his network's coverage of the Colorado balloon hoax, a CNN spokesman pointed out that the balloon was, in fact, "extremely shiny."

Authorities now say they are preparing to file charges against Richard Heene, an amateur scientist and inventor, and semi-professional douche who now faces possible jail time for contributing to the delinquency of the media.

The Balloon Boy hoax began to burst when 6-year-old Falcon Heene vomited during a CNN interview and said to his parents, "You guys said that we did this for the show."

Scrambling to explain his son's apparent confession, the elder Heene said the boy had simply become confused because the family is simultaneously pitching several reality shows, including "Hurricane Boy," "Publicity Whore" and "Leave it to Falcon."

Sources say the Heenes, who previously appeared on ABC's "Wife Swap," were also developing a project featuring Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan and
former U.S. House Speaker Tom DeLay.

Fortunately, we here at Humor Gazette/Triple-Action News had the good sense not to waste precious air time on the "Balloon Boy" fiasco, reporting instead on Sarah Palin's latest tweet, Glenn Beck's latest mental breakdown and a rumor that the Octomom plans to adopt a puppy.

By John Breneman

When the Boston Red Sox swept the New York Yankees in early June to bring their season record against the Bronx Bombers to 8-0, even the most realistic Sox fan had visions of the team rolling through the postseason to claim its third World Series title of the decade.

But now that Boston has been swept from the playoffs by the Angels, sports psychologists estimate that up to 82 percent of Red Sox Nation may be suffering from ... Postseason Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Symptoms include:
O Sensations of droopiness in your “We’re #1” foam finger.
O Recurring flashbacks to October of 1986.
O Delusion that TV clicker can be used to change playoff loss into victory.
O Irrational fear of men named Vladimir and anyone clad in pinstripes.
O Unshakable feeling that Manny Ramirez is laughing at you.
O Hallucinations involving the frozen, severed head of Ted Williams.

Leading sports neurologists report there is no cure, though some counselors suggest afflicted Sox fans may benefit from a treatment once used by supporters of the old Brooklyn Dodgers called “Wait till next year” therapy.

Related story:
Hub fans bid curse adieu -- April 13, 2005

Related video:
Rain Delay Man

By John Breneman

Twitter, the phenomenally popular social networking service, faces a massive lawsuit that threatens to cripple its ability to transmit millions of inane messages known as "tweets."

13 O'Clock News has learned that beloved cartoon icon Tweety Bird is suing Twitter for $500 million. (See VIDEO.)

Attorneys for diminutive yellow bird charge that Twitter, whose logo is a diminutive blue bird, is guilty of "toppy-white infwinz-ment" and theft of "inta-wectual pwa-puddy." The suit also requests unspecified damages for "pain and tuffawing."

A spokesman for Mr. Bird demanded that Twitter cease and desist from using the term "tweet" in its business practices - claiming that it is confusing consumers and negatively impacting the Tweety Bird product line of pajamas, lunchboxes, fridge magnets, bobbleheads and speech impediment DVDs.

However, technology analysts say Mr. Bird may simply be hoping to cash in on the meteoric micro-blogging service before it is displaced by the next cyberspace flash-in-the-pan.

Studies show that many users quit Twittering after the first 15-30 minutes, and that Twitter is already losing ground to such newly emerging rivals as Fritter, DillyDally, TimeSuck and LollyGag.com.

And while supporters point to its vital role spreading real-time information about the unrest in Iran, critics say the service is used primarily by time-wasting tech nerds to share news of their latest bowel movement, and by pompous celebrities to validate their gargantuan egos.

Other new services vying to become the next big thing include: WhySpace, Babble, iChatter and Spammy.

Also: Yammer, BrainFreeze, SlackBerry and AssBook.

In other legal news:
Ex-Chihuahua sues Paris Hilton

Just in time for the playoffs and World Series, a short video featuring a baseball savant reflecting on the national pastime
-- Rain Delay Man.

Related story:
Boston Marathon
madness -- April 7, 2006