By John Breneman

Bust out the milk! Celtics superstar Kevin Garnett is the new poster boy for Wheaties -- breakfast of NBA champions!

Friendly millionaires like KG know that winning a world title can do wonders for their earning potential. But what about some endorsement greenbacks for the rest of the Glorious Green Team?

The Celtics are all about the shamrocks and leprechauns. So don’t be surprised to see Paul Pierce’s smiling mug turn up on boxes of Lucky Charms after his “magically delicious” MVP performance against the Lakers. Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but imaginary sources say Pierce will earn at least several pots o’ gold.

Doc Rivers is not a real doctor. But after taking a flaccid Celtics squad and restoring its confidence and manhood (makers of male-enhancement pharmaceuticals take note) he would be an ideal spokes-Doc for Viagra.

What can Celtics reserve P.J. Brown do for you? Hub fans know this guy can really deliver; if they’re smart, so do the advertising honchos at UPS.

Ray Allen -- after getting poked in the left cornea during Game 6 -- reportedly is eyeing a deal with Visine. The Green three-point monster will tell consumers that Visine really “gets the red out,” any time you get raked in the face by a 6-foot-10, 230-pound assailant.

It’s location, location, location for new Century 21 real estate pitchman Eddie House. And Glen “Big Baby” Davis may soon be elbowing the iconic Gerber bambino from his job as spokes-infant for strained peas and applesauce.

No such luck for the Lakers. But following his humorous Game 4 recap (“We just wet the bed”), Kobe Bryant may soon be doing commercials for a new line of jock-strap diapers from the makers of Depends.

Related stories:

Obscure humorist makes Wheaties box

Hub fans bid curse adieu
(Sox celebrate 2004 championship on Opening Day '05)

World premiere: "The Stag Hunt"

(Note: Think deep-voiced movie announcer)

From the DaVinci-esque creator of the "Norman Rockwell Code" and the visionary videographer who my wife duped into shooting videos for her super-fabulous fashion blog (Runway Ready) -- a dramatic, enigmatic new blockbuster ... "The Stag Hunt"!

That's right film fans, our friend Jeff Spires (Dover, N.H-based cinematographer extraordinaire) has hooked up with writer/director Alfred Thomas Catalfo and an all-star filmmaking team in this 21-minute, "Hitchcockian thriller."

And the world premiere is tomorrow night at the Boston International Film Festival! The screening -- Wednesday, June 11, 6 p.m. at the Loews/AMC Theater at Boston Common, 175 Tremont St. -- will be followed by a Q&A.

Check out the trailer. It looks hip and edgy, cool and cerebral, with pistols blazing and talk of "probability theory" and "quantum mechanics."

And if the voice that opens the trailer sounds familiar, that's because it's Steve Zirnkilton, the actual guy who does the opening voice-over on (chung-chung) "Law & Order"!!

Produced by Marc A. Dole and presented by Left Bank Films, "The Stag Hunt" also has been selected for the Long Island International Film Expo (screening July 14 in Bellmore, Long Island).

It was filmed locally, including a tense, action-packed airport sequence at Pease Tradeport. Here's a piece spotlighting Writer-director Catalfo and the film in Portsmouth Magazine.
http://www.thestaghunt.com/portsmouthmag.cfm

Catalfo also collaborated with producer Dole, founder and CEO of Portsmouth-based Hatchling Studios, on a smash, 35-minute "DaVinci Code" spoof called "The Norman Rockwell Code." Roll the trailer.

Based on the trailer alone -- slick, well-produced, with crisp dialogue -- my wife is nominating "The Stag Hunt" for a 2008 Debbie Award. Congratulations to Jeff (director of photography) and his colleagues on what looks like a fantastic film!

NH bum Gangrene Willie begging for change in '08

Undecided New Hampshire hobo Gangrene Willie describes his desperate need for change in this exclusive 13 O'Clock News video.

Related story:
Poll shows 100% of bums want change

By John Breneman

A new poll reveals that a vast majority of the nation's bums will vote for the presidential candidate who promises them the most change. (WATCH THE VIDEO)

"I keep hearing this election is about change," said Tuberculosis Einstein, a veteran Oklahoma panhandler occasionally seen outside a 7-Eleven in Arkansas, Virginia, Massachusetts, Florida, Delaware and North Dakota.

"I need change. Everybody I know needs change," added Gimme Two-Bits, a longtime collector of both vintage and modern coins.

"I been looking for change every day -- for as long as I can remember," said Dunno Alzheimer, who boasted that he hadn't changed his clothes in 41 years.

"Them Democrats mentioned 'change' 103 times at a debate in New Hampshire. That's a good sign," said Gangrene Willie, an undecided vagabond who slept under a Clinton sign last night but plans to back Huckabee in South Carolina, then catch a westbound boxcar to vote Obama in Alabama.

Polls show many street-level tramps are concerned about health care. But not Wheezy Marlboro or Bloodclots Washington. They just want change.

And some bums say they are troubled by the slumping cardboard housing market. Not Subprime Morty. His #1 issue is change.

Two-Nickels Roosevelt confided that he, too, is passionate about change.

"I'm serious," he gasped. "Please give me some goddamn change."

Pundits say the hobo demographic will be vital to the 2008 election -- widespread talk of change will draw record numbers of bums to the polls, causing presidential candidates to pander to the panhandlers.

By John Breneman

Mitt Romney has a dream.

He dreamed he saw his father march arm-in-arm with the Rev. Martin Luther King.

And he dreams of an America where millions of illegal brown men will march back to Mexico, even the ones who maintained his yard and tennis court.

Mitt Romney has a dream that he will be judged not by promises he made a few years ago about abortion and gay rights, but by what political ambition causes him to claim he believes today.

He dreams that Americans will find him so dreamy they won't even notice that he'll say virtually anything -- anything at all -- to realize his dream of becoming president.

And he has a dream that he will be judged not for failing to protest his beloved Mormon religion's racist ban on black priests, but for his phony claim to have a personal connection to America's greatest civil rights leader.

Religious Romney has a dream that Christian voters will judge him not by the fact that his great grandfather Miles Park Romney had five fives, but by his suggestion that churchgoers are more worthy Americans because "freedom requires religion."

Terror-fighting Romney has a dream that he will be judged not by his statement that he'd let the lawyers decide whether to attack Iran, but by the false strength he sought to project by boasting that he's itching to "double Guantanamo."

Pro-Iraq Romney has a dream that one day his five strapping sons will be judged not by the color of the military uniforms they choose not to wear, but by the content of their character as loyal Romney '08 foot soldiers.

To realize his dream, Romney's oratorical strategy is to let fabrications ring.

Let fiction ring ... from the fertile plains of Iowa (where he spent much of his term as absentee governor of Massachusetts) to the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire (where the Concord Monitor published an editorial warning voters that Mitt Romney is a handsome, charismatic "phony").

Despite having been hunting just two times, when Romney saw a man with an NRA cap on April 3 in Keene, N.H., he couldn't help telling him, "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life."

Let fiction ring.

When asked an embarrassing question by Rudy Giuliani at the Nov. 28 CNN/YouTube debate -- "You did have illegal immigrants working at your mansion, didn't you?" -- Romney started his spin with the blatant untruth, "No, I did not."

Let fiction ring.

Yes, Mitt Romney has a dream. The ultimate politician's dream -- of saying all the right things to all the right voters, of getting elected by any means necessary.

The above column appeared in the Dec. 30 Boston Sunday Herald.

Today's feature presentation is "Mohammed the Teddy Bear," a visionary 33-second production from an unknown teddy bear at an undisclosed location.

We're just getting started in the movie business and you can find our flicks at these locations on FunnyOrDie.com (run by Will Ferrell and friends), Metacafe.com and, of course, YouTube.

Recent features include:

"Santa Wounded in the War on Christmas"

"Billy Buck Teefus' Redneck Christmas Album"

"Baby's Revenge"

"Thanksgiving Blessing from Rev. Sinnerman"

"Thanksgiving Blessing from Billy Buck Teefus"

"Thanksgiving Blessing from Ozzy Osbourne"

"How to tell if yer president is a redneck"

"Billy Buck Teefus: When O.J. Attacks"

"Redneck Home Shopping Channel"

By John Breneman

Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf today put opposition leader Benazir Bluto on double secret probation.

Bluto is accused of inciting pro-democracy food fights and an anti-Musharraf plot involving 10,000 marbles.

Musharraf, sharply criticized for placing his country under emergency rule Nov. 3, issued a statement evoking the words of the infamous American disciplinarian Dean Vernon Wormer:

"There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College/Pakistan Constitution which gives the Dean/Dictator unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus/national emergency."

The beloved, hard-drinking Bluto -- a distant cousin of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto -- is now said to be organizing a massive toga protest.

Related stories:
Iran denies nuke-u-lar ambitions -- June 5, 2006

Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '06 -- Dec. 29, 2006

Bob Dole in 2008

Breaking fake news video:
1996 Republican nominee Bob Dole
announces his 2008 presidential run
and the formation of the Third-Person Party.

OTHER VIDEOS:
Baby News with anchorman Rock Cradle
How to Tell if Yer President is a Redneck

By John Breneman

After pinky-swearing to Matt Lauer that he is sooo not gay, Sen. Larry Craig got right back to congressional business – coming out in favor of stiff penal action for moral degenerates and hammering out anti-bondage legislation with the minority whip.

Craig, busted in June for trying to beef up his staff in an airport bathroom, has been waging a valiant one-man campaign to prove he is not gay.

The Idaho Republican told NBC's Lauer he is not bisexual, hates "gladiator politics" and only uses bathrooms "for bathroom's sake" – never for indulging the whims of his inner Village Person.

Asked why, in a restroom known as a hot spot for soliciting gay sex, he repeated a sequence of signals used by men to solicit gay sex, Craig chuckled that he was just trying to get some toilet paper off his shoe.

Lauer noted that the restroom's shady reputation was no secret on the Internet, but Craig – a member of the Congressional Internet Caucus – said he could not have known that because he has "never used the Internet."

As proof of Craig's vigorous stance against immorality, supporters point to his 1999 remarks calling adulterous President Bill Clinton "a nasty, bad, naughty boy."

The Humor Gazette has obtained an exclusive copy of Craig's itinerary for today:

6:15 am -- Think up new batch of excuses to avoid marital relations with Mrs. C.

6:45 -- Watch favorite Richard Simmons workout video.

7:20 -- Delete e-mail conversations with Rep. Mark Foley, Rev. Ted Haggard and the gang.

7:45 -- Cancel most recent XXXL order from Victoria's Secret.

8:15-9 -- Mandatory "family values" time with the wife.

9:30 -- Meet with interior designer to redecorate bedroom closet.

10:00 -- Bathroom break.

10:15 -- Antiquing with Philip and Tayshawn.

12 noon -- Lunch with Liza Minnelli's ex, David Gest, for tips on convincing people you're not gay.

1:15 pm -- Contact New York Times for price info on full-page "I am not gay" ad.

1:45 -- Cancel VIP Gold membership at Stallions.

2:00 -- Return all those campaign contributions from NAMBLA.

2:15 -- Bathroom break.

2:45 -- Schedule cosmetic surgery to have Romney campaign bus tracks removed from buttocks.

3-3:05 -- Set aside time to work on actual Senate business.

3:15 -- Quietly find private-sector jobs for Senate staffers Dick Johnson and Julius T. Hunk.

3:45 -- Pedicure and bikini wax at Chez Maurice.

4:30 -- Leak compromising Craig-Romney bearhug photographs to the media.

4:45 -- Bathroom break.

5:30 -- Invite media to daily "I am not gay – I have never been gay" press conference.

6:45 -- Watch "Brokeback Mountain" again; work on note to Heath and Jake.

Editor's note: My friend Billy Buck Teefus -- American redneck savant -- is passionate about Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream ice cream. Read his testimonial below or WATCH THE VIDEO.

Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant – singin' the praises of the most patriotic product ya hard-earned money can buy – Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream ice cream.

Nation – either you's with Stephen Colbert and his America-made, freedom-lovin' ice cream er you's with the terrorists.

That's right. A patriotic American who ain't eatin' Stephen Colbert's ice cream? … why, that'd be like a presidential candidate walkin' around without a little American flag pin on his lapel.

Or badmouthin' the troops by saying we oughta bring 'em home.

What kinda latte-drinkin', socialized-medicine wantin', unnecessary war-hatin' sumbitch would refuse to buy a product that has red and white United States flag stripes right on the box? Bunch of anti-AmeriCone terrorist sympathizers, that's who.

You know who hates this stuff? Iranian President Mahmoud

Ima-make-sure-ain't-nobody-can-eat-AmeriCone Dream-after-dinner-jad.

This is Billy Buck Teefus here to tell ya to hustle on out to the corner store and git yerself a tub of Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream.

Why, every bite is chockful of chocolate fudge, gooey caramel 'n' sweet truthiness.

Billy Buck Teefus
American redneck savant
also appears in:

How to tell if yer president is a redneck

Redneck Home Shopping Channel

Teefus gits Tasered

Billy Buck Teefus vs. O.J. Simpson

VISIT: www.ColbertNation.com
AND "The Colbert Report"

Just in time for the playoffs and World Series, a short video featuring a baseball savant reflecting on the national pastime -- Rain Delay Man.

Click here to see Rain Delay Man

By John Breneman

Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens did not even know that humans and fish can peacefully coexist.

President George W. Bush was so concerned that, on Jan. 23, 2004, he warned, "the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."

Mr. Bush had been aware of the problem since Jan. 11, 2000, when he observed at a South Carolina campaign rally, "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"

But as his dad's vice president, Dan Quayle, learned at a sixth-grade New Jersey spelling bee in 1992, education can easily become a political hot potatoe.

The Washington pundits misunderestimated Mr. Bush's ability to get the job done, but in January 2002 he signed into law his landmark education plan: No Childs Left Behind.

Sure, there were critics. Some say the president has shortchanged his program by more than $50 billion. But Mr. Bush knows that childrens need a good education so they can grow up to get a heckuva job and put food on their families.

In today's global war on terrorism economy, he reasons, we must help childrens realize their dreams of becoming soldiers, oil executives or OB/GYN doctors, free to practice their love. Childrens, Mr. Bush understands, must be given the tools they need to compete for those good-paying jobs on the Internets.

So it was heartening to hear President Bush tell the nation -- during his speech last Wednesday urging Congress to reauthorize No Childs Left Behind -- that, when standards are high and results are measured, "Childrens do learn."

Notably, Mr. Bush's vision has also fueled an education initiative in the extremist Muslim world. In fact, many gifted first- and second-graders in Iraq and beyond are already hating America at a ninth-grade level, thanks to a policy called No Junior Terrorist Left Behind.

Related stories:

Bush suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction
-- Jan. 2, 2006

Critics praise president's
"breathing space" for Iraq speech
-- Jan. 15, 2007

President Bush assures nation:
"I think about Iraq every day"
-- June 27, 2005

Bush as commander-in-cheek -- April 5, 2006

VIDEO:
Redneck Home Shopping Channel

CLICK HERE to see the video

Yep. Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant.

I heard that Foxworthy feller on the TV talkin’ ’bout if this-’n’-that-whatever … you might be a redneck. And I figure I must be one, cause nine outta 10 of them sumbitches I sez yes to all of ’em.

Dang right I’s got a rag fer a gas cap? And what’s wrong with takin’ a load down to the dump and comin’ home with a bigger one?

This here’s America!

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a redneck?

President of the U-nited States is one, ain’t he?

Least accordin’ to that you-might-be-a-redneck test, you figure:

If you gits 4,000 American soldiers killed in an unnecessary war, and then start bragging that we’s “kicking ass” ... you might be a redneck president.

If you live in the White House, but’d rather spend five months a year out in Texas clearin’ brush ... you might be a redneck president.

If yer idea of diplomacy is t’go around rootin’ tootin’ shootin off words like “smoke ’em out,” “bring ’em on” and “dead or alive” ... you might be a redneck president.

And, sure enough, if yer second in command shoots a huntin’ buddy in the face ... you might be a redneck president.

Editor's note: Billy Buck Teefus is a fictional character. His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Boston Herald, the Humor Gazette or the American redneck community.

CLICK HERE to see the video.

Billy Buck Teefus on O.J. Simpson

Mr. Billy Buck Teefus -- American redneck savant -- tells of a frightening encounter with O.J. Simpson. Says Teefus: "Man, just think of what that double-murderin’ sumbitch coulda accomplished if his life of crime hadn’t been interrupted by a Hall of Fame football career."

CLICK HERE to see the video.