September 11: A retrospective in satire

After the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like 'Bush suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction' would be a victory for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette also has scooped its rivals at the New York Times, the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like 'Al Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.' Below are some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead -- June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio -- Jan. 20, 2006	Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '05 -- Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi's approval rating falls -- Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons -- July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks -- July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick -- June 6, 2005	Mother's Day card yields clues on bin Laden -- May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote -- March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag -- March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman -- Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image -- Dec. 10, 2001

Ex-Chihuahua sues Paris Hilton

By John Breneman

A disgruntled Chihuahua once owned by Paris Hilton is suing the long-legged, pinheaded heiress for $2.5 million, alleging lurid tales of canine porn and doggie-style debauchery.

Attorneys for the dog, identified in court documents as "Tinkerbell 7," claim Hilton had made "certain representations" about taking care of the diminutive handbag-dwelling pooch in "the lifestyle to which it has become accustomed."

A spokesman for Hilton claimed the dog was let go after it breeched an unwritten agreement by peeing on a $500,000 jewel-encrusted minidress while sitting in Hilton's lap at Daddy Bling's in Monaco. But the dog's legal team says several eyewitnesses will testify that "Paris had already peed on the same dress at least twice that night."

The lawsuit also hints at domestic abuse. "Paris used to beat me," claims the former pet, citing one incident in which it suffered a fractured front leg when Hilton "bitch slapped" it for walking in unannounced while she was entertaining an identified pile of men.

Tinkerbell 7, who once dreamed of hauling his mistress to glory in the MTV Celebrity Iditarod, has been reduced to panhandling (yapping "Where's the beef" for spare change on Rodeo Drive) and doing guest spots on shows like VH1's "100 Nastiest Celebrity Poop-Related Incidents."

Related stories:
Al-Qaeda snatches Paris Hilton
-- June 12, 2006

Rapper 50 Cent introduces 50 Scent
-- Sept. 23, 2005

Ono! ... Yoko to blame for McCartney split
-- May 19, 2006

Anna Nicole's Supreme Court sex romp
-- March 1, 2006

Where's Whitey?

By John Breneman

The FBI would neither confirm nor deny that it tried to lure Whitey Bulger out of hiding Sunday by throwing a fake party for his 77th birthday. In this version of the old fake-lottery scam, the fugitive shows up to collect his presents and -- wham -- he's busted for 18 or 20 murders by agents in clown suits.

But Bulger's too smart for those FBI clowns. Since Whitey went ghost in 1994, he's been "spotted" in almost every state and dozens of countries spanning every continent but Antarctica - thanks to a $1 million federal bounty on the Pale One's scalp.

Whether eyeballed in Bali, recognized in Reykjavik or stared at in Stuttgart, Whitey remains at large -- and larger than life. Jack Nicholson is stoked to channel Hub gangster's signature blend of stone-cold ruthlessness and sexual deviance in a new movie called "The Departed" -- a delightfully blood-drenched Boston mafia caper also starring Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Sheen. Sources say Whitey may try to sneak a cameo sporting his now-famous white Red Sox cap, dark sunglasses look.

But he still can't shake being linked to Osama bin Laden on all those most-wanted posters. Both men are wanted by the U.S. government in connection with a reign of terror, and both have been abetted by the U.S. government (Bulger receiving FBI protection and bin Laden arms in Afghanistan in the '80s) in connection with a reign of terror.

Word is, Whitey's ripped that the Islamo-whatever terror boss rates $25 million in reward dough to his lousy $1 mil. But hey, he's eluded justice for way longer than the tall, turbaned head of the Tora Bora Hill Gang (heckuva a job, Whitey). Come to think of it, maybe President Bush would have better luck smoking WHITEY out dead or alive.

It won't be easy, though, because Bulger -- a master of disguise with steely blue eyes -- uses an assortment of aliases. Whitey is not the man's only aka, OK? To throw authorities off his trail, Whitey sometimes switches over to Blackie.

Imaginary sources say he also goes by Whitey Ford, James Brown, Red Buttons and Mr. Pink. In Acapulco he is known as Senor Blanco. But a word of warning: Don't call him "Tighty Whitey" or he is likely to strangle you with a pair of mens undershorts.

Today, James Joseph Bulger shares a birthday with fellow paragon of moral virtue Charlie Sheen, 41, and prominent Hub merchant and "bargain basement" inventor Edward Albert Filene (1860-1937).

But the million-dollar question remains.
Where's Whitey?

Some say he is probably masquerading as a retired college president or distinguished ex-legislator. Others say he's the reputed kingpin of a Tuesday night bingo syndicate in St. Petersburg. And there are those who swear they saw him performing in the Blue Man Group in Las Vegas in 2004.

You've heard the rumors (they count as rumors if I make 'em up, right?) -- the aging gangster has replaced old cronies Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi and "Cadillac Frank" Salemme with geriatric bruisers named "The Salad Shooter" and "Station Wagon Fred."

Meanwhile, the Whitey sightings continue to pile up. I saw Whitey Bulger drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect. No wait, that wasn't him. Or was it?

John Mark Karr linked to Pee-Wee Herman

By John Breneman

Authorities say John Mark Karr, confessed non-killer of 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, has now implicated himself in the Natalee Holloway case, a Fallujah terror bombing and the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.

The spooky-looking Karr, a natural-born weirdo who suffers from a rare form of attention deficit disorder, has also claimed responsibility for visiting a Thai sex-change clinic, fathering Britney Spears' second child and a kidnapping scam involving Paris Hilton's pet monkey.

"Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket," said Karr, adding that he used to be married to Morgan Fairchild and is a distant cousin of Pee-Wee Herman.

Karr denied any connection to the Valerie Plame leak, U.S. intelligence failures in Iraq or the administration's sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina - but then quickly recanted, saying he was to blame. Then he asked if he could have another nifty free airplane ride with champagne, roast duck and shrimp cocktail.

Though his DNA ruled him out in the Ramsey slaying, authorities are still investigating Karr's claim that he is the bastard son of Shirley Temple's love child.

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer day.

INGREDIENTS

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite, making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of anchovy and serve.

Crack found in foam of shuttle fuel tank

By John Breneman

The above headline from the New York Times Web site on Monday raises troubling questions about America's space program.

Most pressing: How did a crack dealer get close enough to the shuttle to hide a stash of rock cocaine in Discovery's foam-insulated fuel tank?

NASA engineers are now analyzing whether the mission should be scrubbed so they can check the O-rings for angel dust.

A source close to the shuttle's janitor said one of the astronauts was planning to conduct unauthorized experiments on the effects of crack cocaine in a weightless environment.

Police reportedly have questioned Lt. Tyrone Biggums, whose NASA bio identifies his hero as legendary Apollo 11 stoner Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin.

Related story:
Shuttle repair costs 'out of this world' -- Aug. 3, 2005

Jacko's inner child cites years of abuse

By John Breneman

The judge in the Michael Jackson molestation trial has agreed to allow shocking photographic evidence of the singer’s most severely traumatized alleged victim, his once-adorable childhood self.

To substantiate the charge that he abuses young boys, prosecutors introduced a photo of Michael Jackson at age 10, then placed it next to a recent image of the freakish-looking pop star.

“Just look what Michael Jackson did to this innocent little boy,” said Assistant District Attorney Ron Zonen. “He took this precocious, joyful African American lad and gradually turned him into hideous, perverted white woman.”

The jury gasped at the apparent physical and psychological trauma evident in what the prosecution called “Exhibit ABC.”

Jackson covered his face and pretended to almost faint. He was then hospitalized overnight for dehydration, guilty conscience and a quick nose job.

Meanwhile, the courtroom braced for blockbuster testimony from another surprise witness, former Jackson confidant Bubbles the Chimp.

Watergate source revealed to be porn star

By John Breneman

The identity of America's most famous anonymous source has finally been laid bare. The Watergate informant known only as "Deep Throat" is porn star Linda Lovelace, who also starred in a movie by the same name.

Media analysts agree that the revelation gives new meaning to the term "whistle blower."

Lovelace became a key figure in the 1974 resignation of President Richard Nixon by offering the Washington Post sensational information about kinky Republican shenanigans at the Watergate Hotel.

Lovelace always denied her role in blowing the lid off the Watergate scandal, saying in a 1999 interview with Hustler magazine, "Mmmph bwallph gagh Nixolphg."

But investigative reporter Bob "The Wood Man" Woodward today confirmed the explosive revelation about Lovelace and said the spunky source urged him and colleague Carl Bernstein to "follow the money shot."

After their reports revealed the president's role in the Watergate coverup, Nixon resigned in disgrace and went on to star in the soft-core political porn movie "Tricky Dick Does Dallas."

Mobster memo

Idea for mobster Vincent “The Animal” Ferrara… Pick a specific animal. No need to hog the whole animal kingdom, dude. There’s plenty of species to go around.

The Shark. The Panther. The Tarantula. Now those names evoke danger, power and terror as well as The Animal but with a little extra zing. Though, you have to admit, The Animal does have a certain uniquely animalistic quality to it.

But how about The Piranha? Man, those mothers are vicious.

The Wolverine. The Badger, nah.

Actually, I’ve always been partial to the fire ant. They make a lovely nickname and they can also be utilized to “rub out” an adversary with their fiery venom.

The Porcupine? I’m not messin’ with him.

The Penguin, wait that’s taken.

The Mongoose has potential. The Viper has a nice evil ring to it. And you can’t beat The Jackal.
I don’t know, just a thought. The Animal probably works best. Plus it would be a pain to change all the checks and credit cards.

(Note to Mr. Animal. Please don’t "whack" me... Sincerely, fire ant.)

Atomic thrill-a-buster...

Congratulations, fellow "nuclear option" survivors. The thrill-a-minute filibuster crisis is history.

Democracy as we know it has been saved, in a riveting Senate showdown that most Americans find hopelessly boring compared to the unfolding drama involving Saddam Hussein’s underpants.

A recent IBS News poll reveals that 92% of U.S. media consumers instinctively fall into a deep slumber when hearing the term "stalled judicial nominations," but are easily revived by the words “half-naked Iraqi madman.”

Meanwhile, with all the attention focused on the Senate’s so-called “nuclear option,” Iran has reportedly developed the capacity to suppress dissent using chemical and biological filibusters. Worse yet, North Korea is said to be six months away from deploying a neutron filibuster that destroys all humans within earshot but leaves the buildings standing.

Click here to visit John Breneman's new blog at BostonHerald.com

Hussein pulls lawsuit out of briefs case

By John Breneman

Saddam Hussein is threatening to slap The Sun with a $1 million lawsuit for publishing pictures of him in his skivvies. Hussein contends the incident has caused him emotional distress, though not quite as much as being bombed out of his palace then busted cowering in a dirt rathole.

The murderous dictator, who gassed his own countrymen for fun, is also claiming the media has tarnished his image by portraying him as a murderous dictator who gassed his own countrymen for fun. He is being represented by the Zarqawi, Chalabi & Dershowitz.

After debriefing President Bush, a Pentagon spokesman briefed the press on the latest developments swirling around Saddam's briefs.

But Newsweek got the scoop again: According to an anonymous source close to the guy who does Hussein's laundry, the half-naked madman is distraught that U.S. personnel allegedly ruined his copy of the Koran in the washing machine.

Related fake news:
Saddam Hussein seeking work as a media pundit

By John Breneman

President Bush said today that photos published in a London tabloid prove Saddam Hussein possessed a terrifying arsenal of BVDs.

Calling the images "horrifying" and "definitely not sexy," Bush invited the civilized world to join him in mocking the defrocked dictator and his feeble act of "half-naked aggression."

When reminded that his reason for war was Hussein's WMDs and not his BVDs, the president grinned and said, "Naked aggression, heh-heh."

Responding to charges that the U.S. only inflames anti-American hatred with stories about Koran shenanigans and photo of scantily clad dictators and pig-piled detainees, President Bush said, "C'mon, we're not trying to humiliate the man. I mean, we've almost got that sucker potty trained. Wacky little madman. I've got his pistol."

Bush explained that the controversial photographs were actually part of an elaborate prank pulled by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

"Yeah, Rumsfeld punked him," said Bush, "somehow convinced him he was getting a conjugal visit from Angelina Jolie." But instead of a pouty-lipped sexpot, Hussein instead found himself on a blind date with an elite U.S. paparazzi unit.

A spokesman said Hussein is eager to begin filing lawsuits and added that, despite the circumstances, the aspiring Hanes poster boy feels "good all under."

A high-ranking lieutenant in the Hugo Boss organization said Hussein could have a promising future in the underwear industry. "Bad is good, evil is money and Hussein's got this sort of Marky Mark meets Hitler thing going."

Calvin Klein could not be reached for comment.

Shiite hits the fan over bum Newsweek report

By John Breneman

Newsweek reported today that, for the third consecutive week, the Koran is ranked #1 on the New York Times most-flushed-down-the-toilet list.

The magazine's controversial report about alleged mistreatment of the holy book has sparked outrage in the Muslim world and, of course, plenty of senseless killings. Osama bin Laden vowed to seek vengeance by farting on a Bible if someone could just FedEx one to his cave.

Other books contending for the top spot on the prestigious most-flushed list: "Suicide Bomber's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams, Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays With Moammar" and the final installment in the Star Wars saga, "Revenge of the Shiite."

Plumbers have also reported handling an increase in wadded-up copies of "The Da Vinci Code," particularly in Catholic households. Also swirling in the literary hopper, best-selling vowel movements by Jane Fonda, Bob Dole, Zell Miller, Suzanne Somers, Queen Noor, Jenny McCarthy and the Welches, Jack and Suzy.

And just out on paperback, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Insurgents" and Mitch Albom's other chart-topper, "The Five Nubile Virgins You Meet in Heaven."

(Real news alert: "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson clocked in at #33 on the Times' Paperback Nonfiction list … right behind "The Making of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.")

By John Breneman

The Rolling Stones, affectionately known as the Rolling Fossils, have announced plans for a worldwide "Rock the Hospice" tour opening Aug. 21 at Fenway Park and marking the first time the Stones have played Boston since 1918.

In a related development, archaeologists have unearthed evidence that the band, originally thought to have formed in London in the mid-20th century, actually were created by geologic forces during the waning days of the Neolithic Era.

Rock historians are ecstatic over the discovery, reportedly a Stone Age fossil bearing the impression of a giant set of human lips with a tongue sticking out.

Also found at the scene, several flint guitar picks and a sheath of woolly mammoth skin with the lyrics to the Stones hit "Monkey Man," now being interpreted as a biting musical commentary on mankind's evolution from Neanderthal to Cro-Magnon.

The discoveries suggest that wrinkly frontman Mick Jagger, until recently thought to be 61 years old, is actually closer to 6,100. Nevertheless, cocky, Viagara-popping rocker was recently named "Sexiest Sexagenarian Alive" by AARP magazine.

The Stones (also known as "Their Arthritic Majesties") have updated many of their best-loved songs to reflect their advanced age. The following is a partial list of old favorites the band is expected to play.

Homeland Security Dept. spokesman Jason urged Americans to be extra alert on Friday the 13th.

Homeland Security issues
'bad luck' alert for Friday 13th

By John Breneman

The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck" advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves with rabbits' feet and four-leaf clovers.

The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and uncooperative.

Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the risk of one's mother suffering a possible spinal injury.

Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch may pose a threat of bad luck.

Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn't waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent piece.

The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney's head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.

The president said Americans needn't worry about Friday the 13th because he has everything under control, but conventional wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.

Tonight on The Jacko Channel …

5:00 p.m.   "Jacko Celebrity Poker"  --  Watch Jacko try to bluff his way to riches with a measly pair of jacks.

5:30 p.m.   "Everybody Loves Jacko"  --  Deborah frets about whether to leave Jacko alone with the twins, Jeffrey and Michael.

6:00 p.m.   "Entertainment Tonight: Jacko Edition"  --  Exclusive unsubstantiated chatter about Jacko's affair with Paula Abdul's kid brother.

6:30 p.m.   "World Wrestling Federation Presents: Jacko Smackdown"  --  Can you smell what Jacko is cookin'?

7:00 p.m.   "Jacko Fear Factor"  --  Watch the Speedo-clad Jacko eat live maggots while dangling upside-down from a moving helicopter.

8:00 p.m.   "CSI: Neverland"  --  Gil Grissom and his team of forensic sleuths comb Neverland for clues about Jacko's involvement in a grisly serial killing.

9:00 p.m.   "Law & Order: Jacko Victims Unit"  --  Detective Ice-T comes down hard on an alleged pop star pedophile.

10:00 p.m.   "The O'Jacko Factor"  --  Jacko berates hapless liberals, says he doesn't see anything wrong with sharing his bed with Rush Limbaugh.

11:00 p.m.   "Extreme Race and Gender Makeover"  --  An exclusive, behind-the-scenes report on how Jacko fulfilled his dream of becoming a scary-looking white woman.

12: 00 a.m.   "Mister Jacko's Neighborhood"  --  Can you say "molestation"? A friendly, cardigan-clad Jacko entertains the kids with help from King Friday and Mr. McFeely.

Mother's Day card yields clues on bin Laden

FBI profilers say Osama bin Laden's psycopathic behavior is rooted in conflicted feelings about his mother (pictured above).

By John Breneman

Authorities hunting for Osama bin Laden tracked the elusive terrorist mama's boy to Akbar's House of Flowers in Afghanistan, where he sent his mom a cheap bouquet and a cheesy card promising "the mother of all Mother's Days."

"Dear Mimsie -- Ten thousand virgins could not stop me from showering you with hatred, I mean love," read the card, which was intercepted by U.S. authorities and also included a gift certificate for a new burka from Old Navy.

One FBI profiler claims bin Laden's all-consuming quest to "kill whitey" is rooted in unresolved feelings about his mother, who reportedly pushed him to become a doctor, lawyer or oil tycoon and did not hide her disappointment when he instead became an international hate-monger.

Sources say the young bin Laden grew up hopelessly confused about how his mother's reverence for Allah squared with her passion for Western television programs like "Maude," "The Jeffersons" and "Love, American Style."

Margaret "Ma" bin Laden once told Geraldo Rivera that she tried to get young Osama to play baseball or marbles, but he was always too busy waging backyard "holy wars" against imaginary "infidels." She also confided that she long ago gave up her dream that he would someday buy her a cable-ready condominium in Palm Beach.

Forces nab Jacko's #2 man in Pakistan

Authorities say Abu Faraj al-Libbi is Michael Jackson's #2 man in Iraq.

By John Breneman

Al Qaeda's #3 leader, captured this week by Pakistani forces, is also a top-ranking Michael Jackson lieutenant in the region, according to completely fabricated reports.

Abu Faraj al-Libbi, a blotchy-faced Libyan terror kingpin, reportedly suffers the same skin condition as the embattled King of Pop, whom he met at a vitiligo victims support group in 1992.

Sources say the pop star had a profound influence on the young jihadist, who later worked as a Michael Jackson impersonator and is known in some circles as "Iraq-O Jacko."

Al-Libbi refused to reveal any information about his relationship with Jackson, but under intense questioning with women's underwear strapped to his head revealed that he once saw Osama bin Laden molest his pet chimpanzee, Lord Fauntleroy.

He said he had last seen bin Laden six months ago at a Ramada Inn in Baghdad, where the al Qaeda boss had arranged a secret rendezvous to share tips about eluding manhunts with notorious Boston mobster Whitey Bulger.

Bin Laden usually registers under the aliases Al Carter, Fred Bush or Sammy McLaden, according to Al-Libbi, who also confessed that bin Laden hates broccoli, has a schoolboy crush on Laura Bush and never travels far unless accompanied by his harem of bisexual monkeys.

Frito Bandito busted on immigration charges

By John Breneman

Immigration officials say they arrested the Frito Bandito at the Mexican border today trying to transport an 18-wheeler full of illegal aliens to a corn chip-processing facility in Chula Vista, California.

While officials from Homeland Security and the Department of Justice wrangled for jurisdiction over the case some FBI men tried to interrogate the alleged Bandito, but all he would say was, "We don't need no stinking badges."

The legendary snack food icon reportedly went "underground" after Doritos and Cheetos and extra-strength Tostitos surpassed his once-dominant Fritos in popularity among American consumers, then quickly climbed to #1 on the INS "most wanted" list.

The heavily armed Bandito surrendered without a firefight, but he now claims he was roughed up by Immigration Dept. agents who he claims yanked his mustachio and ruined his sombrero. He referred all questions to his attorney F. Lee "Speedy" Gonzalez.

Related story:
Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote

Also under investigation
by the Humor Gazette:

Jolly Green Giant files racial discrimination lawsuit

Pres. Bush awards Congressional Medal of Freedom to Captain Crunch

Runaway bride-to-be abducted by aliens

By John Breneman

The Georgia bride-to-be who disappeared days before her wedding and told police she had been kidnapped has vanished again, this time leaving a note saying she had been abducted by two alien beings in a blue spaceship.

Jennifer Carol Wilbanks, 32, hopped a bus to Las Vegas last week and turned up Friday in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where she faces charges of false reporting of a crime and yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theater.

Authorities say that upon returning home to Duluth, Georgia, Wilbanks reunited with her jilted fiancé, rescheduled her nuptials for today and upped the number of bridesmaids and groomsman to 18 each.

But this morning family members found a note from Wilbanks saying a pair of alien thugs had forced her to board a late-model UFO. There was also evidence that she had shed her Earth clothing and shaved her head.

Police say they are not buying the UFO story and are pursuing an anonymous tip regarding alleged DNA similarities between the bride and groom. They said other possible reasons for her latest disappearance include depression over how the moral decline of the media threatens the sanctity of marriage and bad hair day.

President pumps petroleum plan

By John Breneman

Stating that America will run out of gas by 2041 if we do not act now, President Bush last night unveiled an Energy Security reform plan that gives people the option of establishing personal petroleum accounts.

The nation forgot to have an energy strategy for the last few decades so "now we find ourselves in the fix we're in," the president explained during a rare press conference. He said as soon as he heard Americans were worried about high gas prices he invited the Saudi prince out to his ranch to talk about reducing our dependence on foreign sources of oil.

Bush's own quest for black gold began shortly after college when he bummed some capital off his dad's pals and started an oil company called Arbusto. But his drills came up dry and the thing went busto. Energy analysts say it is too early to tell if his military drilling of Iraq will yield dividends.

President Bush also used the news conference to remind people of his controversial plan to fix Social Security by funneling tons of funds to Wall Street.

Asked for his view on the role of faith in American politics, President Bush said each individual's relationship with his or her SUV is "a personal matter."

A White House spokesman gave the president's performance high marks, except for the part where he accidentally distanced himself from powerful right-wing religious fanatics.

Related story:
Jon Stewart explains Social Security reform

Bush puts the moves on Saudi prince

Despite some flirtatious hand-holding, sources say President Bush couldn't get to second base with swarthy Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah.

By John Breneman

Holding hands with his special friend Prince Abdullah, President Bush said today he tried everything to get the bashful Saudi monarch to drop the price of oil -- from flowers and chocolates to butterfly kisses and promises of geopolitical favors.

But don't expect Bush's wooing to pay off at the pump. Despite charming him with pickup truck rides and brush-clearing lessons, sources say the president couldn't even get to second base with the sexy Saudi.

However, the two men did share a hearty laugh at one point. When Bush asked what he could do to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil, Abdullah quipped that he could urge people to drive more fuel-efficient vehicles. The president managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds before erupting, "Heh, heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh."

Sources say the president rejected diplomatic advice from Tom Bolton, the controversial United Nations nominee who said Bush should order a Secret Service man to get the prince in a chokehold and push his face into the windshield of Bush's pickup truck until he cried "Uncle Sam" and agreed to drop oil prices.

Instead, Bush gave the prince a piggy-back ride around his Crawford, Texas, ranch and engaged in some playful banter about Saudi Arabia's woeful human rights record. The prince also showed off his mischievous side, at one point gesturing to the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, and asking the president, "How much for the women?"

When pressed about the high cost of crude, the prince said he could maybe knock off a penny or two, but explained that he had a fiduciary responsibility to his wealthy backers to keep their profits as high as possible. Bush said he understood completely.

After his play date with the prince, Bush said he will keep trying to seduce the Saudis but won't waver from his strategy of seeking new sources of oil in protected wildlife refuges and politically unstable regimes.

Pope says: Don't call me 'Eggs' Benedict XVI

By John Breneman

The new pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI, today sent a strong signal that he will have little tolerance for anyone blasphemous enough to address him by the nickname "Eggs," as in Pope "Eggs" Benedict XVI.

A source close to the Egg Man said he was afraid this might happen when he selected the name Benedict, but decided to forge bravely ahead rather than switch at the last minute to Pius or Cyrus or Dubya.

The new pope, a German cardinal named Joseph Ratzinger ("Joey Rats" to his Sicilian friends), has been called "Panzer Cardinal" and "God's rottweiler" by critics, but he also answers to "God's pit bull" and "God's schnauzer." He did serve in the Hitler Youth as a boy, but escaped without being tagged with the nickname "Nazi Joe."

The custom of papal nicknames dates back to the very first pope, St. Peter (32-67 A.D.), an orange-faced, triangle-eyed pontiff called "Pumpkin Eater" by his foes.

Almost every Pope Boniface has been called "Old Bony Face" and Pope Eugene IV (1431-47) was haunted by the epithet "Gene, Gene, Pontificating Machine." Of course, the papal wagsters were merciless with Pope Sisinnius (708 A.D.).

The newly installed Pope "Don't Call Me Eggs" Benedict pledged to be a divider, not a uniter, by spreading his message that Allah and Buddha can hit the bricks because the Roman Catholic Church is the one true religion.

Humor Gazette spokesmodel Tiffany Tiara-Smith celebrates being crowned Miss Satire.

Humor Gazette thanks
'the little people'
for Satire Awards

By John Breneman

Thanks largely to an impressive turnout by the "my mom" demographic, the Humor Gazette has won first-place honors in four categories in the quarterly contest sponsored by The Satire Awards.

The $1.2 million in imaginary prize money ($37.25 after taxes) will be used to break ground on the 56-story Humor Gazette Building in downtown Manhattan and hire five new writers, four of them monkeys.

Below is a scene from the lavish, red-carpet Satire Awards ceremony, held this year at an abandoned warehouse in Pismo Beach, Nebraska:

"In addition to the proverbial 'little people,' I'd like to thank President George W. Bush, without whom none of this would be possible. Thanks also to Donald Rumsfeld, Saddam Hussein, John Kerry, Yasser Arafat, Britney Spears, Speed Racer and Jacko. My sincere gratitude Humor Gazette technical guru Jeff Raper; yes ladies, that's his real name.

(Red light flashed 10 seconds ago; music begins playing)

… and I'd like to thank my crack team of attorneys, agents, publicists, existential satirists, botox aestheticians and liposuction technicians. Oh and Johnny and Ronnie and Pee-Wee and Osama and Moammar and Groucho and Hunter and Jose and Howard and we'll always have Paris … and Martha and John Paul and the Donald … and Jesus Christ and Condoleezza Rice …

(Long hooked cane appears from Stage Left and yanks hapless douche behind curtain)

Satire Award winners from the last quarter include:
1st -- Most believable: Rumsfeld offers proof of link between Saddam Hussein and ... Rumsfeld
1st -- Best Headline: Speed Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed
1st -- Best Current Events: A tip of the hat to Arafat
1st -- Best Celebrity: Scent of a pop tart: Britney's new perfume
2nd -- Best Presidential: Pet Goats for Bush in '04
2nd -- Best Related Picture: Baby Pees on Bush
2nd -- Best Site Design
3rd -- Best Sports: Donkeys defeat Elephants in political football

Humor Gazette CEO Arturo DiMaunchie today announced a new initiative to get people to vote for the Gazette in the next installment of the seemingly perpetual Satire Awards competition, saying the awards boost morale on the publication's one-person staff.

Enter private voting booth here

EDITOR'S NOTE: After a brief sabbatical from 20 years in real journalism to focus on fake news writing, I am back in the workforce as an overnight online editor at BostonHerald.com. Looks like I'll be writing some columns too.    - - John Breneman

Boston Marathon fan wins Armchair Division   (April 19, 2005)
Opening Day at Fenway: Hub fans bid curse adieu   (April 12, 2005)

Boston Marathon fan wins Armchair Division

By John Breneman

The Boston Marathon is insane, right? I mean just do the math. Twenty-thousand runners times 26.2 miles of ankle-busting, knee-crunching pavement from Hopkinton to Copley Square.

By my calculations that's total 524,000 miles traveled … on foot. I found that quite an impressive statistic until I realized I could get that same mileage -- without the estimated 40,000 blisters and umpteen cardiac seizures -- from a couple of old Toyotas.

I was actually planning on running this year because I could really use the $100,000 grand prize. But I had to pull out because of, uh, a ruptured flexor ligament in my, um, quadriceps. Yeah, that's it.

I'm kidding, of course. I could no more run 26 miles than sneak into the papal conclave and cast a ballot for my favorite Cardinal, St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols.

Believe me I tried, and nearly died, at last year's race. Here's what happened:

I got to Hopkinton real early to get a prime parking space, then walked eight miles to the Main Street starting line and waded into the scantily clad sea of humanity. The aroma was a pungent blend of Ben Gay, Aspercreme and Triple-Action Gold Bond Powder.

Just as I was elbowing my way into position, the starter's gun went off. Bam! I was instantly trampled by a pack of 9-year-old Cub Scouts jogging for the Jimmy Fund and a contingent of bald hippies raising money for bone marrow transplants and medicinal marijuana.

Before I could even scrape the burnt wheelchair rubber off my back, I looked up and saw a couple stringbeans from the Kenyan junior varsity whiz by at approximately 35 mph. "See you in Beantown fellas. I hope."

Once I found my stride, I was like Rocky charging up those stairs in Philadelphia with that inspirational soundtrack blaring in my head. I was able to keep that up for nearly 200 yards.

That's when my right kneecap flared up as if I'd been stung by a giant bee, but it was actually just my ACL snapping like a dried-up gumband. No problem, I thought, I'll just tough it out. But by the time I reached the first mile marker I had tripped over my shoelace, twisted my left ankle and tried four different breathing methods, finally settling into a sort of arhythmic "gasp-wheeze-gulp."

At around three miles, I narrowly avoided a 10-runner pileup on Route 135. EMTs arrived on the scene within seconds, took one look at the twisted heap of human wreckage and radioed for the Jaws of Life.

Assuming the slow pace of that fabled long-distance champion, the tortoise, I somehow made it to the five-mile mark in Ashland. I swung my hand out to grab some water, but missed and accidentally punched myself in the face. The force of the blow knocked me into a motorcycle cop and, though the pepper spray clouded my vision, I managed to scramble away before he could cite me for resisting cardiac arrest.

By now my carbo-loading pasta dinner from the night before was really paying off, but my Cuervo-loading experiment was having the opposite effect. Pretty soon the acid reflux kicked in, warming my esophagus with the tangy taste of peptic acid and ravioli. Fortunately, I became distracted by what felt like an ice-cream headache in my left lung.

I switched to kilometers for a while to make it seem like I'd covered more ground, but got depressed at Mile 8 in Framingham when a guy with a peg leg and a bandaged head marched by playing a fife with two drummers close behind.

Around this time things were getting a little fuzzy, and I really couldn't say where I got that pony, but I rode that little guy all the way to Natick -- part Paul Revere, part Rosie Ruiz -- before a vigilant race official ordered me to ditch my steed.

Was I there yet? Nope.

Shortly after I crossed into Wellesley, I was overtaken by the Grim Reaper (with #17642 pinned to his long black cape). I assumed he was looking for the tubby, crimson-faced guy who blew by a few minutes earlier with a purple vein the size of a Vienna sausage keeping time on his left temple.

Halfway up Heartbreak Hill, I was gripped by the sensation that an angry falcon was trying to claw my heart out of my chest cavity. But that was just a hallucination. What really happened, an MRI revealed later, was that my aorta got plugged up by a chunk of Power Bar that I found on the road.

Undeterred, I ignored the brush fire burning its way through my innards, from my pancreas down to my bladder, and convinced myself that the dark blood trickling from my right ear was probably normal. But then one of my leg cramps began emitting a high-pitched whining sound, something like a circular saw cutting through a fibula or femur.

To this day, I have no recollection whatsoever of Miles 22-25.

I must have regained consciousness with about a quarter-mile to go because I distinctly remember the ghost of the legendary Johnny Kelley (#1 now and forever) tapping me on the shoulder and yelling at me to "keep going, kid."

Reliable sources report that when I finally staggered across the finish line, I guzzled four gallons of blue Gatorade and hailed an ambulance.

The doctor said I would eventually regain most of the feeling in my pelvis, but advised me to get used to the sandpaper sound between my second and third vertebrae.

Later on, I would be disqualified for the pony incident and for purchasing piggy-back rides through much of Brighton and Brookline.

But that's OK, because I actually have a small confession to make. I never even tried to run the Boston Marathon last year, and a ruptured quadraplexor tendon did not prevent me from joining the field.

I was home watching the action on TV. Somewhere along the line I decided to crown myself winner of the Armchair Division. And you know those ceremonial garlands the winners get to wear on their heads? Well, mine was made of guacamole Doritos.

You see, most of us can only imagine what it would be like to run those 26.2 miles, to participate in a singular event that symbolizes mankind's capacity for not only endurance and perseverance, but also for good will.

Twenty-thousand hearty souls logging half a million miles, raising millions for charity. We salute them all. This concludes our live coverage of the 109th running of the most patriotic race in America.

Related story:
Rev. Jesse Jackson mulls pope bid

Bush names Patriots football ambassadors

By John Breneman

President Bush welcomed the New England Patriots to the White House for the third time in four years on Wednesday, then stunned the Super Bowl champs by asking them to serve as U.S. ambassadors for football.

The president told Patriots coach Bill Belichick he has learned that millions of people throughout the world refer to "soccer" as "football." This could pose a potential threat to national security "or something," he said.

"Football is an American game and people ought to play it around the world, like democracy" said President Bush. "We need to make sure we live in a world where football means football. Soccer calling itself football is like communism calling itself democracy."

The president explained that in many countries, young school children are brainwashed with anti-American propaganda and taught to love soccer instead of real football.

"In Texas we have a word for soccer -- boring," said Bush. "There's no action, no good-lookin' women in beer commercials, no pickup trucks, no Viagra. I guarantee you're not gonna see me choking on a pretzel from watching soccer on TV."

By the time President Bush reached the climax of his speech -- "Either you're with us or you're with the soccer people" -- the Patriots had slipped out the back.

Hub fans bid curse adieu

By John Breneman

Diamond rings the size of baby's fist. Fighter jets tearing across the sky and soldiers in wheelchairs rolling across the Fenway grass. A Red Sox championship banner billowing from the Green Monster.

All of a sudden, 1918 doesn't seem so long ago. Not when Johnny Pesky (circa 1942 Sox) is standing right there soaking it all in with Dom DiMaggio, Dewey and Yaz and the rest of us 35,000 lucky stiffs, all crammed into this hallowed baseball artifact, swept up in the emotion of a shared dream.

Everything is different this spring, right? The Sox made history, choked the Yankees, broke the curse, swept the Cards and made grown men cry. World champs. Aw yeah. It feels good.

What, you say the Yankees are back in town? OK, now that another New England winter has frozen the exhilarating memories of last October into Red Sox lore, it's time to come out and play once more. But first we have a couple small matters to attend to.

You know, distributing gaudy and symbolic chunks of etched gold. Singing songs to honor the glory of Red Sox past and present. Unfurling gigantic World Series banners … in your stinking Yankee faces.

Or cheering like idiots when the announcer calls out "Mariano Rivera." You didn't have to be at the park to hear Fenway erupt with a standing O for the once-dominant closer turned hapless tomato can.

"What can I say -- just tip my hat and call the Red Sox my daddy," Rivera said in my imaginary pre-game interview. He scoffed at any suggestion that the tables have turned, that perhaps now the Yankees will be haunted by the Curse of the Splendid Splinter, and said, "Wake up Ted Williams, I'll drill him in the ah… frozen head I guess."

We were almost done saluting our heroes of 2004, honoring Red Sox warriors of games gone by and bidding farewell to the ghost of Mr. George Herman Ruth. Almost ready to ring in the new year with an 8-1 Yankee spanking, a savory and immensely satisfying Wakefield knuckle sandwich.

But wait, what first-ever Red Sox defending world champion Opening Day extravaganza would be complete without a special appearance by the president of Rwanda? From up in the bleachers I couldn't see whether or not President Paul Kagame brought his mitt but it looked like he had finally ditched Mitt Romney.

After three innings on the mound it was clear Wakefield had stepped forward as one of the Yankees' new daddies. Wake had the Yanks shooting blanks with his 54 mph fistball and his knee-buckling knuckler, leaving a breeze of whiffs and nicks in his wake. After the game, Wakefield declined to comment on his role on the 2016 Sox pitching staff.

Fans from around the region flocked to Fenway for the mind-expanding '05 opener, high price of gasoline be damned. High price of beer be damned too, while we're on the topic. According to my crude calculations, Sam Adams premium unleaded carries a ballpark pump price of roughly $72 per gallon. (Psst, we smuggled in our peanuts. My friend only paid a couple bucks at the grocery store, but the nuts have an estimated Landsdowne Street value of $50-$75.)

Yes, it is definitely good to sit in the Fenway bleachers with a cold brewski while Tedy Bruschi of the three-time world champion New England Patriots throws out the first pitch alongside Richard Seymour, Bobby Orr and all-time undisputed ring king Bill Russell.

The true significance of what this all means to the generations of people who have placed hope in something called the Red Sox cannot be captured in words (though the Boston Herald headline "Joy of Sox" comes close).

For me, it is all in the emotion of the thing. It's the way you feel when the Sox do it -- when they battle back from so far down and really finally do it -- while you're screaming at the TV with your family and friends.

It might be that shiver you feel when the scoreboard on Opening Day flashes a giant black-and-white of young Johnny Pesky, looking like the kid Moonlight Graham in "Field of Dreams." It might be remembering when your dad took to that first game and there he was, Roberto Clemente. Or Yaz. Or Mickey.

I think loving the Red Sox -- sorry, I mean the world champion Red Sox -- is all of that and much more. It's a whole Zen, Ken Burns, Pudge, Cooperstown, Cy Young, Tony C., Babe, 1918, Impossible Dream kind of thing. You know what I mean.

Today's story can also be found on the website of my new employer, BostonHerald.com

By John Breneman

Dissatisfied with the amount of attention he received by poking his nose into the Michael Jackson and Teri Schiavo media events, the Rev, Jesse Jackson is said to be talking with his advisers about a possible campaign to become the first black pope.

When informed that he can't be pope because he is not Catholic, Jackson reportedly became infuriated and vowed to "fight the racism that oppresses non-Catholic, African-American adulterers by saying they can't be the Dalai Lama, an ayatollah, or even pope."

A source close to Jackson's massive ego said he formed an exploratory committee after being encouraged to run by such influential figures as P. Diddy, LaToya Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton. Father Guido Sarducci has also thrown his full support behind the "Jackson for Pontiff in 2005" movement.

Jackson, who ran for president in 1984 and 1988, said his qualifications for the Vatican position include his "brotherly love for all mankind, even the Hymies" and a "God-given ability to pontificate with the media."

"Plus, I gotta lotta words that rhyme with 'pope'," said Jackson, 63. "Rope. Dope. Yeah, rope-a-dope like Muhammad Ali. That pope could float like he's beatified and sting like a bee."

Political analysts speculate that since he has no realistic chance to become pope, Jackson may just be angling for a Cabinet position in the next papal administration, like Secretary of Vatican Affairs or Under Secretary of Magniloquent Pomposity.

Humor us with this foolish questionnaire

In order to better serve YOU, the reader, I have compiled this questionnaire as part of my work in the cutting-edge field of humor column research.

My bosses are pressuring me to provide 8-10 percent more laughs in each edition of the Humor Gazette. I'm hoping the data you provide here will help me tap into the very marrow of the human funny bone.

The first 100 respondents will be eligible to win a gold-embossed collector's edition copy of my new best-seller - "Blah Blah Blah, Etc." (Offer void in parts of South Berwick.) To ensure optimum results, I must request that you please hold your laughter until the end of this column.

Warning: The following questions are "multiple choice," so respondents will need a working knowledge of the "alphabet."

Questions
1. When is your favorite time to read humor columns?
A. During an intimate moment with a loved one.
B. While speeding down the freeway and chattering on the cell phone in heavy traffic.
C. After the weekly liposuction treatment.
D. In those peaceful, solitary moments just before flushing.

2. Do you prefer humor columns that are:
A. side-splitting
B. knee-slapping
C. rib-tickling
D. windpipe-constricting

3. What is your favorite snack to nibble on while reading humor columns? (select up to 6)

• kippered herring
  
• tofu jerky
  
• lima bean pizza
  
• Meat Whiz
  
• refried chitlins
  
• Oysters Rockefeller
  
• Venezuelan caviar
  
• animal by-products
  
• Spam-flavored lollipops
  
• Tender Vittles
  
• Pepto-Bismol smoothies
  
• that nasty brown stuff that Grandma used to make
  

4. What is your current employment status?
A. pencil pusher
B. suit
C. dot-com geek
D. brown-collar slop jockey

5. What is your current family status?
A. single
B. double
C. disowned
D. married, divorced, remarried and living in squalor with 3.5 kids, 6.5 cats and an incontinent gerbil named Petey.

6. What is your current financial status?
A. mo' money
B. no money
C. self-made pauper
D. assets not sufficient to maintain the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed.

7. How much would you pay for this column if it was not provided free as part of this fine newspaper Web site?
A. 1 yen
B. a plug nickel
C. a red cent
D. $1.2 million

8. What are some of your favorite humor column topics? (select up to six)
o society's seamy underbelly
o squirrel terrorists
o philandering politicians
o humpbacked sperm whales
o humpbacked politicians
o porcelain fixtures
o the role of monkeys in U.S. foreign policy
o algebraic equations
o machine gun-wielding gnomes
o blonds
o Polish sausages
o the mating rituals of the indigenous North American loser.

9. What is your greatest fear?
A. fear itself
B. snakes
C. George W. Bush
D. missing an important final exam because you have no clothing
and can only run in slow-motion.

10. What is your favorite name to call those idiots who cut you off in traffic?
A. idiot
B. @$*#% jackass
C. nincompoop
D. road rage victim

Congratulations. Now that you have completed the questionnaire, you are eligible to enrich your life by reading the Humor Gazette as often as you like. However, I know your time is at a premium so before you just jump onto the bandwagon, I'm sure you'll want all the facts.

Consider:
? Humor Gazette columns offer 24 percent more insipid punch lines
than the other leading brand.

? Each week, we will print a generous supply of comical words like "beancurd," "whimwham" and "government."

? Special bonus columns will be peppered with rib-splitting words like "putty," "angstrom unit" and "Jello-brand gelatin."

? We also offer exclusive special reports like "True Confessions of a Praying Mantis,"
"The Trouble With Genetically Engineered Raisins" and "Youth Violence: Friend Or Foe?"

? And finally, this column has been endorsed by groups as diverse as Physicians For
Social Repugnancy, Daughters of the Albanian Revolution and the National Water Pistol Association.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is:
A. almost as funny as gangrene
B. a pathetic little man
C. a veritable comic juggernaut
D. no longer allowed to play with weapons of mass destruction.

John Breneman

By John Breneman

The CIA has announced a major break in the hunt for Osama bin Laden. New intelligence indicates the wily terror kingpin has ditched his traditional turban look in favor of a jaunty straw hat he found at Wal-Mart.

The lanky hate-monger seems obsessed with his new chapeau and "won't leave the cave without it," according to a source who said bin Laden is convinced the hat makes him more attractive to "the ladies" (terrorist lingo for "goats and camels").

The source added that bin Laden saw Martha Stewart's release from prison on TV and has lately been seen flouncing about in a knit poncho.

Meanwhile, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has issued a videotaped "news segment" for broadcast on local stations. In the piece, several Arab-looking gentlemen reading from scripts call bin Laden "a spineless scumbag" and George W. Bush "the greatest guy ever."

In other news: A West Coast intelligence source says there is emerging evidence that bin Laden was spotted in San Francisco drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

Related stories:
Bin Laden releases latest tape on his own label    (April 19, 2004)

Gay newlyweds Saddam and Osama adopted baby ape    (Oct. 28, 2003)

By John Breneman

After a brief tussle with Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II, embattled pop star Michael Jackson today reclaimed control of the media spotlight with a videotaped message to the millions around the globe in search of moral and spiritual guidance.

Sporting a sequined "Pope Rocks!" armband and appearing next to a shrine festooned with pictures of Macauley Culkin, Jackson issued a plea for world peace and heightened tolerance of well-meaning albino pedophiles.

Jackson promised "the faithful" that he will be acquitted of molestation charges and likened his suffering to that of Pee-Wee Herman. He also shared his belief that stem-cell research is "icky" and that the death penalty should only be used to punish "meanies."

In other news, Jacko denied accepting kickbacks from the United Nations oil-for-food program and danced around allegations that he has flip-flopped on Social Security reform.

President 'punked' press, public with Iraq gag

By John Breneman

President Bush today responded to a new report investigating the bogus pre-war intelligence scam that led to war in Iraq by admitting that the whole thing was nothing more than a big prank.

"Gotcha. Heh-heh," Bush said to a slack-jawed pack of media jackals assembled for the April 1 press conference. "You been punk'd. Heh-heh."

"The whole weapons of mass destruction thing, the stuff about Saddam being linked to al Qaeda… I mean we even had FOX News telling people Iraq had to pay for Sept. 11. It was classic," said Bush, barely able to control his glee.

"And I couldn't have done it without all you guys," Bush told the assembled media. "It was Rummy's idea but everybody was in on it Condi, Wolfie, Cheney, the whole gang. Special thanks to the White House press corps. Everybody except that Colin Powell guy, of course. We punk'd him too."

"Uranium yellowcake, aluminum tubes; that was Condi. And when George Tenet came up with that 'Slam dunk' bit, I swear I thought Cheney was gonna have an aneurysm," Bush snickered. "I've gotta take credit for 'Mission Accomplished' though. You had to love me in that flightsuit, right?"

The president said he almost blew the gag just over a year ago on March 26 when he did a standup routine at the Radio & Television Correspondents Association annual dinner. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be here somewhere," the commander-in-cheek said at the time, while showing a photograph of him looking under a desk.

Despite some good-natured cajoling from the press, Bush said the nation will have to wait until April 1, 2006, to learn the punchline of his Social Security reform prank.

Related stories:

President in-your-faced the nation    (April 14, 2004)

Rumsfeld offers proof of link
between Saddam Hussein and ... Rumsfeld

Much Abu about nothing    (May 25, 2004)

Fistful of Jelly Beans    (June 16, 2004)

Rebuilding Afghanistan

More Bush exclusives

Burger King intervenes in Schiavo case

By John Breneman

A Florida man has been arrested for trying to bring Terri Schiavo an Enormous Omelet Sandwich, the controversial new 730-calorie breakfast gut-buster from Burger King. The man, later identified as Dagwood Bumstead, was blocked by a police officer, who clubbed him to the ground and then consumed the massive blob of food.

The new sandwich, which has drawn criticism from health advocates, contains half a dozen eggs*, a brick of melted cheese*, and two or three pounds of steak*, bacon*, sausage* and hog jowl*, all served on a tasty bread-like bun.

A spokesman for the family pleaded with authorities to allow Schiavo to have the sandwich, saying Schiavo had once confided that if she ever went into a vegetative state for 15 years AND a fast-food chain introduced a new product containing more than two pounds of meat* and/or 400 milligrams cholesterol that she would want to try it.

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay urged Congress to enact legislation giving federal courts jurisdiction over fast-food, right-to-die cases and President Bush was awakened from his afternoon nap to be ready to sign the bill into law.

* Product may contain up to 92 percent lard, wombat feces, pus and pus by-products, partially hydrogenated cornhole oil and/or human flesh.

* Also contains chicken beaks, e. coli, red dye #2, uranium yellow cake, monosodium gluttonate and high fructose ass droppings.

* Not available in Ethiopia or The Sudan.

Related stories
Lose up to 452 lbs. with Humor Gazette Diet    (Feb. 25, 2005)
Man sues McDonalds for making him fat    (July 30, 2002)

Pope suffers pulled hamstring

By John Breneman

Pope John Paul II, whose ongoing health woes have sidelined him for the services leading up to Easter this Sunday, received more bad news on Good Friday. Sources say the pontiff suffered a pulled hamstring while sprinting down the first-base line to beat out a drag bunt during a spirited game of whiffle ball.

The 84-year-old pontiff, who also suffers from Parkinson's disease and severe arthritis and is still recuperating from recent throat surgery, is widely considered the most durable pope of all time.

As one of God's highest-ranking representatives here on earth, Pope John Paul has inspired billions during his 26-year papal career with his spiritually, his beneficence and his courageous refusal to let health woes and even a 1981 assassination attempt impede him from his work blessing the Lord's wayward creatures. He has twice been named "Sexiest Pontiff Alive" by Papal Magazine.

In addition to his recent health struggles, sources say the pope has not yet fully recovered from the World Series defeat suffered last fall by his favorite team, the St. Louis Cardinals.

Related story:
Pope John Paul a perennial contender for United Nations "Best Hat" award

By John Breneman

Heavily favored America unleashed a barrage of three-point bombs midway through the fourth quarter to claim a decisive victory over University of Iraq-Baghdad and advance to the next round of the annual March Madness geopolitical showdown.

When America deployed its vaunted "shock and awe" offense to seize a huge first-quarter lead, sources say President Bush became so excited that he yelled "Mission Accomplished" and nearly choked on a pretzel. But the scrappy insurgents battled back using their home-court advantage to mount an improvised explosive attack that critics said caught the U.S. completely off guard.

Early in the third quarter the U.S. was charged with several flagrant fouls for its controversial Abu Ghraib strategy, and for a moment it seemed the team might be haunted by predictions of an easy win and assistant coach George Tenet's ill-advised talk of a "slam dunk."

But America's superior firepower, defense and human rights record ultimately carried the day. Some analysts even described the contest as anticlimactic when it became clear that the underdog Iraqis never actually possessed the advanced offensive weapons that were the subject of much pre-game hype.

The U.S. now takes aim at its next opponent, either the feisty Syria State Hezballers or the dangerous and unpredictable Commie Rebels of Southeast North Korea Tech.

America opened the tournament by crushing the Fighting Cavemen of Central Afghanistan U. before moving on to hard-fought wins over perennial ACC champion Nuke and longtime rival Totalitarian State.

Other winners in yesterday's quarterfinal-round action include the Vatican State Cardinals, the Non-Fighting Frogs of l'Universite de France, the Tehran State-sponsored Terrorists and this year's Cinderella story, the brave Tsunami Men of Indonesia A&M.

Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid probe

By John Breneman

Noted superhero The Incredible Hulk has been subpoenaed to testify before a congressional committee investigating steroid use among athletes and entertainers.

Attorneys for the comic book icon -- best known for his bright green skin, bulging musculature and brooding, surly disposition -- say they have encouraged their client to cooperate with the panel but warned that harsh questioning might trigger his legendarily explosive temper.

Related story: Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush

The Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances, attributing his overdeveloped physique to a "laboratory accident" involving exposure to "gamma rays." But sources say Captain America will testify that he once injected the Hulk's buttocks with a substance called Mutant Growth Hormone.

The chairman of the House panel conducting the hearings questioned the Hulk's credibility, pointing out that he exhibits many of the classic signs of steroid abuse, including unusual skin conditions, cartoonesque brawn and volatile mood swings sometimes called "roid rage."

"Mr. Hulk is admired as a role model by many children and his failure to come clean sends the wrong message," said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Virginia. "We don't want impressionable young kids thinking it's cool to go around smashing in people's skulls and flipping over automobiles."

The House panel is calling for a strict policy designed to end steroid use among comic book heroes. Superman could not be reached for comment.

Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall Street
Santa Claus denies use of performance-enhancing drugs

Humor Gazette anthrax reporter John Breneman fears anthrax has infiltrated his syntax.

By John Breneman

Run for your lives! Anthrax is back!

You remember anthrax: "Powdery poison slays five in mysterious postal attacks."

That was in late 2001, when the microscopic pathogen was all the rage. All day long it was anthrax, anthrax, anthrax. Round-the-clock coverage on CNN, FOX News and C-SPANTHRAX.

Talk of the toxin took over our airwaves with non-stop reports of the horrible spore, a heady mix of fear-mongering AND facts. America's short attention spanthrax was overwhelmed with anthrax.

The word was drilled so deep into our brains that I became virulently anti-anthrax. It even infected my syntax.

We never found out if it was sent by the evil Talibanthrax, way over in Afghanistanthrax, or whether it was an inside job pulled by some mad scientist or a white powder supremacist from the Ku Klux Klanthrax.

I hated that raggedy anthrax. It was out there lurking in our mail sacks. We knew it could turn up anywhere - from sea to sea, from the Rockies to the Adirondacks.

Way smaller than Tic Tacs, it could be hidden in backpacks and knapsacks, smuggled in sedans or late-model hatchbacks.

I was scared of the sugar on my morning stack of flapjacks, paranoid I'd be poisoned by my Post Raisin Branthrax. What if the terrorists planted a lethal surprise in some poor kid's Crackerjacks?

The media fed us countless angles on the anthrax maniacs. Could they slip through security cracks and make weapons of smokestacks? Could they contaminate the economy, devalue our greenbacks? What if it ransacks our Dows and our NASDAQs?

But the probe into anthrax reached inevitable anticlimax, and vanished from TV … another media flash-in-the-panthrax.

Now, just as you thought it was safe to relax, comes news of a possible anthrax relapse. Is it a false alarm or a threat of real harm? I'm hyped up to see how the media reacts.

I've never been one of those hypochondriacs, but now I've got this itchy spot on my thorax. I'm worried my homeland security is lax; yesterday I thought I saw white powder on my tan slacks.

Now all I can do is irradiate my mail and turn my angst into wisecracks.

By John Breneman

Ironic that Dan Rather, whose most colorful Ratherism involved "walking through a furnace in a gasoline suit," saw his career end in a crackling hickory fire of self-immolation.

Rather goes down as a trailblazer in the age of media superstars projecting themselves into the story, a shoot-from-the-hip anchor who went gunning for his own version of Watergate and wound up with Rathergate. The reporter who famously talked trash with Nixon got burned when he dug for dirt on Bush.

In retrospect, he didn't need documents as phony as a Michael Jackson's nose to make the point that President Bush's National Guard record is lamer than a three-legged armadillo.

Rather survived his stint as a war correspondent in Vietnam only to be done in decades later by friendly fire, his career killed by his own carelessness. He took aim at the president, but his bulletin missed its mark and buried itself deep in his own foot.

This grave blunder left the anchorman with about as much credibility as a president blowing hokum about weapons of mass destruction.

When it became clear that the documentation behind his National Guard story was shakier than cafeteria Jell-O, Rather forfeited his status as one of the most powerful figures in the media and became a lame-duck anchorman, as impotent as Bob Dole without his Viagra. With the harsh glare of the media spotlight now focused on him, Rather squirmed like a man wearing a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.

The jam he created for himself was nasty enough to gag a buzzard, but if you had to bet the double-wide you knew he'd have some memorable words for the millions of viewers watching his last broadcast of the CBS Evening News on Wednesday.

After all, this would be the final signoff from one of the last of the old-time anchormen, those trusted figures welcomed into America's living room to deliver "the news" before the news devolved into an infotainment byproduct distorted by profit motives and political agendas.

Surely he wouldn't use his pulpit to comment on the president's policy of spreading democracy like a boll weevil through a cotton field. But perhaps we could expect some homespun words of wisdom from the man who once observed -- no one will ever know why -- that if a frog had side pockets he would carry a handgun.

Instead, perhaps fitting in this age of short attention span everything, Rather chose a one-word soundbite for his epitaph. Courage.

And that's the way it is: In a voice as earnest as Ted Baxter's, delivering a message more perplexing than profound, a once-revered newsman hangs up the old gasoline suit and fades to black.

Related info:
Ratherbiased.com
Rathergate.com
Ratherisms (compiled by Dan Kurtzman)

By John Breneman

Political unrest in Lebanon threatens to throw the world Syrian bread market into a state of upheaval not seen since the olive oil embargo of the early 1970s.

Syrian bread prices climbed sharply for the third straight day amid heightening tension between Washington and Damascus and international calls for a boost in output from OPEC (the Organization of Pita Exporting Countries).

Hundreds of thousands of protesters poured into a downtown square in Beirut on Tuesday, denouncing American baked goods and shouting pro-Syrian bread slogans like "Tastes great with tabouleh!" and "Less filling than bagels!" The protest rally reportedly was organized by Hezbollah, a militant Shiite Islamic group with ties to the Hummus terrorist organization.

The White House has called for an immediate and full withdrawal of Syrian troops from Lebanon, but sources say Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is concerned this would leave Lebanon vulnerable to a U.S. takeover of its vast Syrian bread reserves.

Bashar al-Assad, known for his love of ophthalmology and crispy brick-oven pita, inherited the presidency from his father Bashar H.W. al-Assad and now controls as much as 83% of the world supply of Syrian bread.

President Bush, who recently went on record acknowledging that you cannot "drill for Syrian bread," said it is vital to U.S. interests that we not allow terrorists to acquire unsecured stockpiles of pita.

CNN Middle East correspondent Baba Ghanouj characterized U.S.-Syrian relations as "falafel."

Gazette linked in Moore's "Must Read"

The Saddam insane artwork created to illustrate the March 2 Humor Gazette exclusive
"Madman Hussein to plead insanity" (see below) is posted under the Thursday, March 3,
"Must Read" report on Michael Moore's website. Our thanks to Mr. Moore and his associates. We are also proudly listed on the "Enemies List" of FOX News President Roger Ailes.

By John Breneman

Inmate #55170-054 (aka Martha Stewart) busted out of the Big House today and is now holed up at her $16 million mansion in Bedford, N.Y., where she will serve five months under house arrest.

Stewart's next step is to meet with her probation officer Monday morning to receive an electronic ankle bracelet; she'll then report to her jeweler to have the plain black monitoring device festooned with diamonds and white gold.

The devious domestic diva -- convicted last March of lying to federal investigators about an insider trading stock deal -- said her five-month stint at the Alderson Federal Women's Prison in West Virginia taught her some valuable lessons. She promised she will never again fib to federal authorities and said she would also avoid white lies, especially in social situations better suited to off-white or beige falsehoods.

Stewart, 63, said she also learned how to disable a bull-dyke prison guard with a crude but elegant diamond-studded shiv and how to turn a frilly pillow case into a deadly weapon by filling it with soda cans and savagely whipping it about like Sean Penn in the movie "Bad Boys."

The convicted felon/media superstar reportedly has created some exciting new recipes for bread and water, as well as a decadent Chocolate Hacksaw Layer Cake. She also picked up some handy tips for polishing those tarnished brass knuckles and learned 101 uses for a broken razor blade.

Analysts say the high-profile Stewart trial yielded several important legal insights: 1) It doesn't pay to parade into court flaunting a handbag that costs more than what most jurors earn in a year; and 2) the government is not afraid to spend millions prosecuting someone for a $50,000 stock swindle if the defendant is famous enough to advance the careers of all those involved.

Though critics have suggested the case against Stewart was motivated by her celebrity status, prosecutors have deflected all such questions, including those involving book or movie deals, to their agents.

The jury is still out on whether her prison record will harm her career as a product pitch-woman, but Kmart today introduced a new Martha Stewart line of stylish but affordable orange jumpsuits.

Next up, Stewart is slated to star in a spinoff of Donald Trump's "The Apprentice." But instead of parroting Trump's signature phrase "You're fired," she is experimenting with harder-edged jailhouse slogans like "You're dead meat, bitch" or "I'm gonna cut you."

Bugs Bunny pimped out by greedy cartoon execs

By John Breneman

There is a new word for ripping the soul from classic creations of American contemporary art in exchange for another couple million bucks. It's called "re-imagining."

At least that's what the greedy bottom-liners at Warner Brothers are calling their insidious plot to give Bugs Bunny (to use the terminology of the day) an "extreme makeover."

Hapless, heavily armed Elmer Fudd could never kill Bugs. So now the job falls to the WB gang, convinced they can squeeze more cash out of the beloved cartoon icon by "re-imagining" him and his friends as futuristic crimefighters in the year 2772.

Reimagine? Pardon me if I repudiate this repulsive and reprehensible bit of revisionist animation.

Executives at Warner Brothers -- reeling from the fact that their Saturday-morning Kids WB lineup is getting thrashed by Nickelodeon, the Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel -- apparently dismissed the challenge of creating something cool and original and instead hatched a lame plan to recycle Bugs Bunny in outer space.

Entitled "Loonatics," the new cartoon series takes the classic "Looney Tunes" characters and retrofits them with retrorockets to see how they will fare in a zero-gravity, zero-creativity environment.

Does this mean the new vehicle will flatten old Bugs into festering carcass of cultural roadkill? No, the animated folk hero who for decades disarmed adversaries with wit and wise-cracks will certainly survive this ill-conceived case of identity theft.

But make no mistake, despite strenuous objections from the SPCA (the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animated Animals), the real Bugs Bunny is being harmed in the making of this sequel.

First of all, he has been skinned and scalped - his familiar fuzzy gray-and-white pelt replaced with a futuristic black-and-yellow exoskeleton. His neatly gloved hands now resemble razor-sharp claws and his mischievous grin has been erased, replaced on his face with a dark, menacing leer.

So is this the latest sign that the entertainment apocalypse is upon us? Or just another so-what moment in the decline of American arts and culture?

Sadly, we are no longer surprised when a TV show we have come to care about is forced by its creators to "jump the shark." That's the term - inspired by the episode of "Happy Days" when Fonzie did just that in water skis and a leather jacket - now used to describe the moment when a show becomes so ludicrous that there is nowhere to go but down.

Somehow we thought Bugs Bunny might be spared such an indignity, but now we learn that the proud legacy of one of America's greatest cartoon heroes is in danger of being squashed by a 20-ton space anvil.

Joining Bugs (now called Buzz) for his descent into the black hole will be Wile E. Coyote (aka Slick), the Road Runner (Roadster), the Tasmanian Devil (Spaz), Lola Bunny (Lexi) and Daffy Duck (Duck). We are told that each character possesses a special crime-fighting power and that the plots are action-oriented - filled with chases and fights.

Unfortunately, Bugs was more adept at fending off shotgun-toting hunters than craven cartoon honchos at Warner Brothers, where the thinking seems to be: If it ain't broke, distort it into a barely recognizable shadow of its former self and try to parlay brand recognition into advertising and merchandising revenue.

I'm trying hard not to imagine where else all this "re-imagining" could lead. But the real Bugs Bunny must be spinning in his hole, haunted by visions of Buzz Bunny action figures and "Loonatics" DVDs.

We can only hope that Daffy Duck, with his over-the-top lisp, will sound effeminate enough to irritate the anti-gay cartoon crusaders who have been persecuting poor SpongeBob SquarePants. Insufferable succotash.

I lost 452 pounds thanks to the Humor Gazette Diet, and you can too.

Two months ago I was so friggin' fat, I had given up all hope of ever seeing my (censored) ever again.

But then one night while cramming fistfuls of Doritos and unrefined Domino's sugar into my piehole during a 3 a.m. "Cagney & Lacey" rerun, I saw a commercial for the miracle diet that saved my life.

The Humor Gazette Diet's special blend of carbs, calories and cholesterol interacts with your body's own metabolism to melt those pounds away.

I admit I was skeptical … didn't believe I could lose weight by combining unusual delicacies like goat beef and Lucky Charms cereal. But before I knew it, that extra quarter-ton of blubber had disappeared and my skin hung on me like a cheap radiation suit.

Now I've gained a quarter-ton of self-esteem AND rediscovered my enthusiasm for stamp collecting, long pony rides and sexual intercourse.

Thank you, Humor Gazette!!

By John Breneman

Another fake reporter was booted from the White House briefing room today when investigative satirist Arturo DeMaunchie of the Humor Gazette News Service was stripped of his day pass and told not to let the door hit his ass on the way out.

DeMaunchie -- believed to be an alias for Humor Gazette editor Reid Page (also an alias) -- is the latest victim of a crackdown on White House access following the revelation that a creepy bald alleged gay-prostitute Republican stooge calling himself Jeff Gannon had somehow obtained press credentials.

Like Gannon (whose real name is James Guckert and who owns a Web site called HotMilitaryStud.com), DeMaunchie drew attention to himself by asking occasional oddball questions.

But unlike Gannon -- memorably seen asking Bush how he plans to work with Democrats who seemed to have "divorced themselves from reality" -- the Humor Gazette reporter was deemed to have gone too far when he shouted, "Mr. President, how can I get me some of that Armstrong Williams money?!?"

DeMaunchie (who owns Web sites called HotSatireStuds.com and HumorHunks.org) had filed a series of exclusives critical of the administration, including "President drops a comic bomb" and "Bush received faulty intelligence from God." He raised eyebrows at a recent press conference by asking, "Mr. President, how strongly do you support the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun?"

While most media analysts dismiss DeMaunchie as harmless comic relief, the Guckert affair is viewed as a significant breach of White House security and ethics.

Critics say it is the latest in a series of surreal incidents -- PR payoffs to conservative pundits, fake town hall-style meetings, fake Medicare "news reports" filed by fake reporters and deadly distortion of the threat posed by non-existence WMDs -- that illustrate the challenges of covering a White House that has divorced itself from reality.

Now three out of four pundits are calling for an investigation into who planted this loose Gannon on the company softball team.

Related stories:

Bush front group attacks satire publication's credibility   (Aug. 25, 2004)

White House smear campaign targets Humor Gazette   (March 31, 2004)

Michael Jackson, shown here encased in gold with his former chimp "Bubbles," has pleaded not guilty to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson's medical team announced today that the frail, pasty pop star will not be able to stand trial because he is suffering from "the vapors."

With its star in the hospital, production ground to a halt on the set of "The Making of the Michael Jackson Molestation Trial." However, fans of the Jacko media circus will not be disappointed because the epic $2.5 billion freak show features no shortage of subplots.

For example, five members of Jackson's nose maintenance team were fired just hours after courtroom observers said the singer seemed to have difficulty breathing through his freakishly tiny artificial snout.

But the big news centers on the star-studded witness list unveiled by attorneys for Jackson, who has pleaded not guilty to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

Elizabeth Taylor is expected to testify that Jackson is actually not a pedophile, but rather a sequin-gloved love machine who enjoys busting into the robot dance during their wild sessions of heterosexual passion.

Kobe Bryant will state that Jackson definitely was not with him in Colorado when he allegedly raped a young hotel worker and Stevie Wonder will swear that he never saw Jackson molest anyone.

Geraldo Rivera, broadcasting live from the barracks of the JackoGate media encampment outside the Santa Barbara County Courthouse, started a rumor that the witness list has been expanded to include Pope John Paul, O.J. Simpson and noted media icon Geraldo Rivera.

Prince Charles stated in a deposition that Jackson was a "perfect gentleman" during a 1999 visit to Neverland, even after Prince Harry raided the liquor cabinet and set fire to a three giraffes, a baboon and a rare albino panther. Prince Michael Jackson, the pop star's artificially conceived son, may also take the stand, along with Saudi Prince Bandar and the artist once again known as Prince.

Other potential character witnesses include North Korean whackjob Kim Jong Il, embattled Disney CEO Mickey Mouse and a bunch of Catholic priests.

Related Humor Gazette exclusives:

New poll finds Jacko is wacko   (May 5, 2004)

Jacko takes Iowa in Democratic primary   (Jan. 20, 2004)

First Lady Laura Bush said the fact that her husband is "ripped" does not prove he did steroids with Jose Canseco.

By John Breneman

Former pro baseball knucklehead Jose Canseco claims in a new book that he shared steroids not only with the slugger Mark McGwire, but also with George W. Bush.

Canseco goes on to speculate that Bush's subsequent behavior -- including his dishonest and boneheaded leadership in the Iraq war -- may be a result of the phenomenon known as "roid rage."

Canseco claims that Bush -- whose daddy's friends gave him a cushy baseball job with the Texas Rangers after he lost his shirt in the oil industry -- confided his desire to "get big" and admitted he didn't see it happening in business or politics. Canseco says that when he suggested steroids, Bush grinned and said, "Bring 'em on."

Bush, who served as a co-owner of the Rangers when Canseco joined the team in 1992, denied any knowledge of steroid use and claimed he has no recollection of the psychologically deranged he-man ever poking him in the ass with a needle.

The White House issued a statement saying that when Bush brought Canseco to Texas he had no clue that everyone else in the world knew the artificially pumped-up player was a poster boy for steroids.

Canseco -- who also claims to have injected Barbara Bush, Rush Limbaugh and Arnold Schwarzenegger -- is unrepentant about his own steroid use, saying that without the drug he might never have become the only man in baseball history to have a fly ball bounce off his head and into the stands for a home run.

This just in: The White House is denying a report that Canseco obtained nuclear weapons from North Korea in exchange for shooting steroids into the buttocks of Kim Jong Il.

Related story:
How Bush scored big with the Texas Rangers

Humor Gazette:
Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall Street

Gunfight at the WMD Corral

By John Breneman

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has challenged President George W. Bush to a nuclear showdown, daring the president to meet him at high noon Sunday in a tumbleweed-infested ghost town near Pyongyang.

The reclusive dictator boasted that he's got a nifty arsenal of nuclear weapons and an itchy trigger finger. He also renounced the ongoing six-party disarmament talks and said he is sick of talk.

"Talk is cheap. It's go time," said Kim Jong Il, who offered Bush his choice of .45-kiloton nuclear revolvers or shoulder-mounted Nuke-a-Bazooka warheads.

President Bush called Kim Jong Il a "tyrant and a madman."

Kim Jong Il called President Bush a "madman and a tyrant."

Both men trash-talked the other's daddy, and Bush said Kim Jong Il reminded him of the arch-villain Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies.

"That guy kills me," said Kim Jong Il, standing next to a midget dressed identically in olive drab and large tinted sunglasses. "Axis of Evil, bring 'em on, dead or alive… He's got a million of 'em."

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us," said Kim Jong Il, who reportedly is a big fan of American westerns and gangster movies.

"Don't make me come over there and attach electrodes to your genitals," responded Bush, who announced a plan to replace the North Korea's hard-line Communist regime with a violent, unstable pseudo-democracy.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld offered to send some people to pin Kim Jong Il's arm behind his back until he cries "Uncle Sam."

In other nuclear news:
Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan, accidentally detonated a small nuclear device in his office yesterday. Musharraf reported that he was "cleaning the weapon" when all of a sudden it "just went off."

Tinky Winky claims 'Jacko touched me'

Appearing on "Hardball" to discuss recent allegations that SpongeBob SquarePants is homosexual, beloved children's entertainer Tinky Winky admitted falling into severe depression back in 1999 when Rev. Jerry Falwell accused him of being a purse-toting moral deviant.

Having his manhood impugned by an attention-seeking televangelist was bad enough, but Mr. Winky said the worst part of his ordeal was fending off the amorous advances of pop star Michael Jackson.

During a visit to Jackson's Neverland ranch, Mr. Winky said he felt positively gay while riding roller-coasters and feeding giraffes, but became uncomfortable after Mr. Jackson gave him some "funny-tasting" Kool-Aid and then dangled him over a balcony.

Mr. Winky said he grew increasingly uneasy as his host talked about a game they could play with the Elephant Man's bones, then fled the compound when Mr. Jackson "touched me on my private antenna."

A spokesman for Mr. Jackson denied the allegation, but said there is nothing wrong with sharing your bed with a plush purple doll.

Pressed for details, Mr. Winky said he will have more to say during an upcoming segment of
"60 Minutes" that also features Pee-Wee Herman and Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter.

Gazette exclusive: Tinky Winky talks (Feb. 28, 1999)

By John Breneman

Now that they've experienced the thrill of voting, the Iraqi people are set to kick back on their couches and munch Halliburton snack pouches while enjoying the ultimate symbol of American glory -- the Super Bowl.

The game will be broadcast for the first time on al Jazeera, which is hyping Sunday's showdown as "American Gridiron Devils XXXIX." In keeping with Super Bowl tradition, the Arabic telecast commercials will feature farting camels and scantily-clad detainees pitching pills for a debilitating condition called "Iraq-tile dysfunction."

The halftime show -- featuring an extravagant display of surface-to-air fireworks -- will have a five-second delay to guard against any possible burka malfunction when Janet Jackson takes center stage with Bo Jackson, Jesse Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian democracy.

Michael Jackson could not be in Jacksonville for the game, but the King of Pop -- who joined the Nation of Islam for about 24 hours in Dec. 2003 -- has taped a message congratulating Muslim fans on the selection of their favorite player, Patriots running back Rabih Abdullah, to the first-ever Allah-Madden Team.

President Bush will also appear via satellite, offering pre-game safety tips to protect novice football fans from the ever-present danger of choking on a pretzel.

Related stories:

Super Bowl XXXVIII: Thanks for the mammaries

Donkeys defeat Elephants in political football

President looking to earn some extra cash

By John Breneman

President Bush announced today he needs another $80 billion to keep fighting his war in Iraq. But when critics hammered him over where he expects America to come up with that kind of cash, the president said he is thinking of getting a part-time job.

"Bein' president is hard work," said Bush. But he added that he's willing to pump gas or get a paper route if it helps bring democracy to the whole wide world.

The president said he'd like to dig for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge a couple nights a week or maybe use his Texas tough talk to get some of those Guantanamo detainees to spill the beans. And, when it comes to people like Mr. Bush who have the clout to dish out lucrative no-bid defense contracts, Halliburton is always hiring.

But those closest to the president say the job he is best suited for is "clearing brush," an activity that already occupies more of his time than, say, researching issues like global climate change that are critical to the future of our world.

And though there is not much brush to be found around the Washington D.C. Beltway, insiders say there is plenty of "dead wood" scattered throughout most government office buildings and even the halls of Congress.

Other possible part-time jobs for the leader of the free world include reading books to children during times of crisis, knocking down that pesky wall between Church and State and coming up with priceless material for late-night comedians.

Shedding our cell-phone hangups

By John Breneman

Hello? Yeah, it's me. Due to recent advancements in technology and marketing, I am now convinced that I can no longer exist without a cell phone. Lately I've noticed that almost everyone is having great fun chatting into them while walking down the street or weaving down the interstate.

Can you hear me now? I'm told Virgin Mobile has cherry deals for cell-phone virgins and, no, I don't believe reports that the radiation causes brain damage in laboratory rats.

From watching TV, I am aware that cellular phone manufacturers are always innovating, dreaming up new ways for consumers to enjoy their product. The people at Nextel say you can now utilize their popular 6600 model to insulate yourself from non-cellular sensory experience and blot out up to 90% of the annoying audiovisual stimuli produced by the world around you.

Sanyo says you can hear voices in your RX100 while doing yoga, sitting through interminable religious services or tucking in the baby. If you're hip to the hype you know a shiny Samsung can help you feel young, Audiovox rocks and Panasonic is simply symphonic. Talk about the old hard sell, a slick-talking nametag at Circuit City assured me I can "choke my Nokia" whenever and wherever I please.

So don't tell me it's unsafe to zigzag down the highway with a phone in my hand and a voice in my head. Wheeling and dealing behind the wheel is all part of the deal. Why else would Motorola make an 8-megapixel i860 equipped with overhead cameras and a factory hemi?

Another thing that appeals to me about the cellular telephone craze is that they are always coming out with "cool" new phrases to use on your "cell." The following are "in" for 2005:

-- "Lemme speed up, I can't hear you with all these stupid cars honking at me."
-- "At the end of the day I just want to diversify my portfolio."
-- "While I'm here, do we need any analgesic? Cube steak?"
-- "And so I was, like, whatever."
-- "Sorry, I can ba--ly underst--d wh-- you're s--ing with all this f---ing st-tic."
-- "No thanks. I don't want to consider switching to a new plan."
-- "Hang on while I finish up this orgasm."

Yet despite all these swell advancements (smell-phones by Calvin Klein, coming soon) cellular communication has its detractors, those who would stem cell-phone research for ethical reasons. How dare they? Freedom of wireless speech is guaranteed in the U.S. Cellular Constitution …

Hold on a second, I think I feel something vibrating in my pants.

Bush sworn in on a stack of Bibles

By John Breneman

Basking in the glory of his terrific/horrific war to liberate/obliterate Iraq, President George W. Bush used his inaugural address today to take aim at a new goal: "the greatest achievements in the history of freedom."

The president's grand plan to end tyranny by bullying the world into liberty was revealed shortly after Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist administered the presidential oaf of office. Bush insisted on taking the oath with his left hand resting upon "a whole stack of Bibles" to reflect his personal commitment to using religious imagery for personal gain.

The history-minded president evoked the memory of John F. Kennedy by recalling that turning point at age 40 when Bush quit his beloved booze, made God his new best pal and said to himself, "Ask not what your Daddy can do for you -- ask what you can do to be more like your Daddy."

After saying "freedom" 27 times and "liberty" on 15 occasions, President Bush Jr. concluded with a word from his loyal colleague and trusted adviser, the Lord: "May God bless you, and may He kick the ass of anyone who messes with the United States of America."

The White House dismissed criticism of the $40 million spent on Bush's lavish inauguration, saying that amount wouldn't even pay for seven hours of his nifty $1-billion-a-week war. An additional $20 million security effort insured that insurgent protesters would not disrupt the day by invoking their quaint First Amendment rights.

The inauguration was attended by a parade of dignitaries, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus Christ and Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter.

Former President George H.W. Bush arrived by parachute, touching down next to his wife Barbara, whose uncanny resemblance to George Washington grows with each passing inauguration. They were accompanied by son Jeb, the Florida governor who is widely believed to be next in line for the Bush throne.

Banned from the historic proceeding was a reporter from the Humor Gazette, the influential satire publication that made news by rejecting a $240,000 White House payoff to promote the president's controversial "No Body Bag Left Behind" initiative.

Other Humor Gazette exclusives critical of the president include the following:

-- "Bush received faulty intelligence from God" (July 14, 2004)

-- coverage of that embarrassing moment when a baby peed on him at the Republican convention (Aug. 31, 2004)

-- the Gazette's dung-in-cheek "endorsement" of Bush (Aug. 27, 2004)

-- the infamous "Fistful of Jelly Beans" report comparing Bush, unfavorably, to his hero Ronald Reagan (June 7, 2004)

-- the release of documents proving that the president is an asswipe (Sept. 22, 2004)

-- a Gazette scoop questioning whether Bush evaded Boy Scout duty (April 10, 2004)

-- satiric coverage of the president's memorable "Something will pop into my head" speech (April 14, 204)

-- critical analysis of his "joke" about weapons of mass destruction (March 26, 2004)

-- a report taking the president to task for "flip-flopping" on Osama bin Laden (Oct. 14, 2004)

-- coverage of his pre-election threat to use military force against any Democratic candidates he felt posed a threat to his presidency (Nov. 4, 2003)

-- his suggestion that an unfavorable Newsweek poll was unpatriotic (May 17, 2004)

-- his handling of the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal (May 25, 2004)

-- Bush's nomination for a "Purple Chin" award for sustaining a mountain bike injury in the line of duty (May 30, 2004)

-- hard-edged analysis of his "trickle-down" policy of pissing in America's ear and calling it a golden beacon of democracy (Oct. 11, 2004)

-- his "firing" by Donald Trump (March 2, 2004)

-- a story speculating about the president's forked tongue (June 4, 2004)

-- a critique of the president's nuke-u-lar ramblings, "Misprouncing a lie doesn't make it true" (Aug. 16, 2004)

-- an irreverent debate preview with rules to the "Presidential Debate Drinking Game" (Sept. 30, 2004)

-- vice-presidential debate analysis revealing Dick Cheney's ability to secrete toxic venom through his fangs (Oct. 6, 2004)

-- a report critical of the president's missionary position on gay marriage (June 7, 2004)

-- a report critical of his "No Slacker Left Behind" education plan (May 25, 2004)

-- a review of a book critical of Bush written by a former White House janitor (March 24, 2004)

When Harry met Nazi

By John Breneman

Prince Harry apologized for wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party, attributing his lapse in judgment to a combination of booze, ecstasy and crack.

"I thought it would be a gas," said the 20-year-old prince, whose hobbies include partying and disgracing the English throne. "All the skinheads I know do bloody well with the birds. I thought the swastika was really shagadelic, but now I realize it might be offensive to anyone with half a brain."

A source close to the bloke who shovels the dung from under the prince's polo pony said the Hitler homage was not Harry's first choice of party attire.

"He tried on a few Osama bin Laden beards but couldn't find just the right one," said Nigel Tufnel. "And he was keen on going as a Ku Klux Klansman but couldn't find a bedsheet without bleeding 'Buckingham Palace' embroidered on it."

The prince also decided against going as the murderous Ugandan dictator Idi Amin because his black face paint kept smudging and the pillow under his 'Party Animal' T-shirt kept shifting.

Prince Charles, who is said to be outraged by the incident, reportedly grounded his youngest son and made him promise not to get drunk or stoned for two weeks.

Related stories:
Harry the Nazi: a defence of the idiot prince (London News Review)

Harry Starts Fascist Fashion Craze (The Spoof)

Prince Harry's letter of apology (The Chortler)

By John Breneman

Hollywood is abuzz with insipid wordplay in response to the tragic news that the Pitts have called it quits.

There are many theories on what caused the Aniston-Pitt split. Some say Jen was seen frolicking with a handsome Brit. Or that Brad pined for a little Pitt, a son to play catch with his little Pitt mitt. Some say it was Jen's inability to knit, but others say this didn't bug Pitt one bit.

Did he prefer to stand while she liked to sit? Did she hate to expectorate while he liked to spit? Did he call her a nitwit and she threw a fit?

Whatever the case, the Pitt split seems legit. Or is it too early to write the couple's obit? The mega-super-duper-couple seemed so close-knit, but in the end was it just a bad fit? And why, why oh why, do we give half a shit?

The split has caused millions to pause and sit, weep a bit, even fall to their knees and mourn Aniston-Pitt. So sad, and yet sadder still to admit, tsunami survivors have been particularly hard hit.

The Brad-Jen armageddon is cruel, this is true. But they, and we too, will surely pull through. We'll reflect on these stars, how our lives they once lit, while subsisting on rations from our Pitt Split Survival Kit.*

*A source close to the publicist for Brad Pitt's personal assistant's limousine driver said the Pitt Split Survival Kit contains:

-- a DVD of the "Friends" episode featuring guest star Brad Pitt
-- a mock People magazine cover proclaiming Aniston-Pitt offspring "Sexiest Infant Alive"
-- two "I (Heart) Brad and Jen" T-shirts
-- 8x10 photos of the couple "canoodling" during happier times
-- one "Death to Angelina Jolie" voodoo doll

White House in doghouse over puppy choice

By John Breneman

President Bush has come under fire for selecting a Scottish terrier instead of an American breed as the cuddly new White House puppy.

Dane Basset, a spokesman for B.A.R.K. (Buy American Registered K9s), criticized the Bushes for failing to make a more patriotic selection. "An American pit bull terrier would have sent a powerful message to the rest of the world, like 'You play things our way or we'll rip your friggin' head off'," said Basset.

But President Bush said he wanted the decision process to be entirely free of political considerations. So after quickly ruling out German shepards and French poodles, he refused to pander to Hispanic voters by adopting a chihuahua and settled in on the Scottish terrier, which the Bushes have named Miss Beazley.

The 10-week-old canine frolicked for the cameras Thursday with the Bush's other dog Barney, also a Scottish terrier. The adorable little bitch, a birthday gift to First Lady Laura Bush, is said to be the daughter of Barney's half-brother.

The animal has been fully vetted by the FBI to assure there will be no embarrassing revelations involving public urination or links to any extremist terrier organizations. Miss Beazley is expected to breeze through her upcoming Senate confirmation hearings.

Sources say Laura Bush put considerable thought into naming her new puppy. Miss Beazley won out over a colorful list that included Miss Condy, Flip-Flop, Ahmad, Tax-Cutter, Arbusto, Spot II and W.M.Deedles.

Miss Beazley is expected to get along well with the president's beloved pet goat, Michael, and the rest of the White House menagerie: a praying mantis named Mr. Jeezums, Saddam Hussein's former hamster and a belligerent armadillo called Rum-Tum-Tumsfeld.

Santa Claus denies use of steroids

By John Breneman

Authorities investigating the steroid scandal now plaguing Major League Baseball say they have discovered evidence implicating Santa Claus in the use of performance-enhancing drugs.

A spokesman for Mr. Claus denied the allegations, saying he subsists primarily on milk and cookies. But some observers claim his bulky red uniform conceals the fact that the roly-poly holiday icon has magically replaced his "bowl full of jelly" physique with the kind of lean muscle mass commonly associated with steroid use.

A transcript of grand jury testimony obtained by the Humor Gazette reveals that Mr. Claus admits being given some unfamiliar cookies in December of 2002. The document also alleges that on at least three separate occasions in 2003 Mr. Claus consumed egg nog laced the Human Growth Hormone.

"Turns out jolly old Saint Nick may not be such a saint after all," said Charles D. Grinch, a federal prosecutor based near the Arctic Circle. "How else could he fly all over the world delivering millions of tons of gifts?"

The troubling allegations come amid increasing pressure on Mr. Claus to submit urine samples for himself and his flying reindeer.

The investigation is ongoing.

Scent of a woman/child

By John Breneman

Hey ladies, have you ever gone to a hotel and fantasized about banging the beguiling stranger in the room next door? If so, pop slut turned perfume mogul-ette Britney Spears has got a hot new fragrance for you.

It's called Curious, and the fabulous commercial features the doe-eyed diva either fantasizing about getting nailed or actually seducing her mystery man into a steamy fingernails-raking-the-back sex romp.

Unlike lesser creative artists -- who might be content to slap their name on some toilet water and rake in millions from pop tart wannabes and gullible boyfriends -- word is Britney gave some juicy input to the "scent boys" in putting together her naughty new 'fume. She has even mastered the marketing soundbite, calling the aroma "seriously sexy."

Britney's odor is described as "an exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia and wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk."

It's only $49.50 for a 3.3 oz. mini-jug and it comes with a free gift -- a T-shirt emblazoned with the pheromone-producing slogan "Deliciously Whipped!"

But wait, there's more. For just another $50 or so, you can get Curious body souffle, Curious shower gel and Curious shimmer stick. That's not a bad deal, considering that Team Spears could probably sell tiny decanters of Britney's used bath water for $200 a pop. (At presstime, bidding on eBay had reached $10,000 for a vial of her pee.)

Meanwhile, keep a nostril out for other celebrity scents. Coming soon:

Hilary Duff ("Facsimile")
Lindsay Lohan ("Me2")
Jessica Simpson ("Oblivious")
Christina Aguilera ("Genital Breeze")
Jenna Jameson ("Secretions")
Anna Nicole Smith ("Smitty")
Angelina Jolie ("Plasma")
Paris Hilton ("Gangbang")
Kirstie Alley ("Colossus")
Martha Stewart ("Captivity")
Condoleezza Rice ("Security")

(For Men)
P. Diddy ("Ho")
Ashton Kutcher ("Douche")
Vin Diesel ("Fumes")
Mel Gibson ("Passion")
Tony Danza ("Emote")

A tip of the hat to Arafat

By John Breneman

Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in stylish headgear lives on.

As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and hoping they don't pierce too many skulls on the way down, geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat's monumental contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.

"Not since Abe Lincoln and his legendary stovepipe tophat has one man had such a profound impact on the history of headgear," said Richard "Cappy" Stetson, chairman of the prestigious Fedora Institute. "Castro, Bush, Hamid Karzai over in Afghanistan... These guys all wear hats from time to time, but nobody can touch Arafat. I once saw him craft an exquisite, Allah-approved turban out of a discarded Wal-Mart bag."

Now that Arafat, a 12-time winner of the United Nations' coveted "Best Hat" award, no longer sports a living head on which to display his famous checkered tablecloth, it is believed that other world leaders are eager to fill the void.

A spokesman for Pope John Paul said the pontiff has privately admitted he would love to cap his distinguished career with the U.N. hat prize but understands the competition is intense, with Fidel Castro reportedly working on a drab olive green number that his valet says "combines the flair of the Blues Brothers with the timeless barbarism of Idi Amin."

Chinese President Jiang Zemin has been spotted in a tri-cornered Colonial-era number that is said to be black with gold trim. he C.I.A. has picked up some "chatter" indicating that Osama bin Laden has been experimenting with a jaunty straw hat. And the Iranians are said to be developing a baseball cap composed entirely of enriched uranium.

President Bush, meanwhile, has publicly downplayed the post-Arafat hat scenario. Aides say they are urging Bush to stick with cowboy hats and fighter pilot helmets, but Bush is said to prefer a red, white and blue dunce cap with a nifty propeller on top.

A word from your president

"My fellow Americans..."

By Chris Elliott

President Bush 'out,' media 'in' as
biggest thing to complain about in '05

By John Breneman

Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the Media."

Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing propaganda.

And polls show growing disgust over the Media's failure to provide the citizenry with the complete, unbiased information it needs to make decisions vital to our democracy.

In fact, many are now blaming the Media for failing to prevent the war in Iraq by more vigorously questioning the president and his men about the phony weapons of mass destruction and the dishonest effort to link Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.

The Media could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous source close to the media said Howard Fineman will be covering the story in this week's Newsweek, then pontificating about it on Crossfire, Hardball, The O'Reilly Factor and Imus in the Morning.

Gazette endorses Bush

Click here for a gallery of Spratz artwork

Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising president who is not afraid to take action in the face of questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound, far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and reason.

Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these difficult times.

Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative to talk about moral values than to actually embody them -- a folksy, faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.

When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition. He wisely heeded God's instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a hole and took him out.

The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up naked in a pile?

Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.

Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium yellow cake and eat it too.

Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people understand?

Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000 young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World a safer place.

Critics may seize upon some of the president's words to paint him as a thick-headed, born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit for his job as leader of the free world. Some even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively symbolic word "nuclear."

But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy that he continued to read "My Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words like "malfeasance" and "subliminible." So what if he has five ways to say "Abu Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin Laden?

The important thing is he believes he has the ability to communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given right of each fetus to own a gun.

We must not let some decorated military "hero" cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe for debauchery.

See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp out family values.

Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks about the horrors of war?

President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.

Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society, gay marriage.

Click here for a gallery of Spratz artwork

And so, as the most important election of our time draws near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands of American and Iraqi lives.

As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.

So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.

John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette

Satire newspaper flip-flops, already endorsed John Kerry

The N-U-C-L-E-A-R litmus test

By Chris Elliott

The Democratic National Convention is behind us, and the case has been stated for change. There have been niceties and tributes, and there has been rancor and vitriol. Surely though, the event's highlight was John Kerry's acceptance speech. Kerry touched upon on all relevant points that will determine the election's outcome, and he did so with all of the grace that could have been expected. One particularly high point for me was his pronunciation of the word "nuclear." The "c" was pronounced immediately before the "l" and there was no insertion between the two letters of an arbitrary letter "y." To appropriate a well-worn phrase, John Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear" out of the park.

It was awesome. For the first time since Al Gore's campaign four years ago, I was observing a man in the pursuit of our highest office who could pronounce a word that most of us grew up with.     MORE

Chris Elliott can be reached at CDElliott009@aol.com