The Humor Gazette presents:

What would they say now?

Times have changed. This begs
the question: what would the people who uttered history's most famous quotations say today? Here their
quotes are edited for the modern era.
-- William Shakespeare


"Speak softly and carry a big rocket-propelled grenade launcher."

-- Teddy Roosevelt


"There's 8,426,541 suckers born
every minute."
-- Phineas T. Barnum

"Float like a butterfly, sting like an
F/A-18E Hornet."
-- Muhammad Ali

"This land is your land, this land is a wholly owned subsidiary
of Disney land."

-- Woody Guthrie

"Let them eat
uranium yellow cake."
-- Marie Antoinette


"Like a bridge over
e. coli-rich, industrial waste-infested water."
-- Paul Simon

"Listen my children
and you shall hear ...
of the midnight debauchery of
Paul Revere."
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"A fool sees not the same tax loopholes that a wise man sees."
-- William Blake

medicate thyself
with OxyContin."
-- St. Luke ch. 4, v. 23


"I have nothing to offer but digitally remastered Blood, Sweat and Tears."
-- Winston Churchill

"I think about sex 24-7 therefore I am."
-- Rene Descartes


"Vodka tends to inebriate, and Absolut vodka inebriates Absolut-ly."
-- Boris Yeltsin

"Hitch your wagon to a Starbucks."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Give me Liberace or give me Megadeath."
-- Patrick Henry

"One should eat McDonalds to live,
and not live to eat McDonalds."
-- Moliere

"All I know is what I see on 'fair and balanced' Fox News."
-- Will Rogers

"Big Uncle Sam is watching you."
-- George Orwell

"The report of my downsizing was an exageration."
-- Mark Twain


"A crack house divided against itself cannot stand."

-- Abraham Lincoln


-- Mae West


-- Pete Townshend, The Who


-- John F. Kennedy


-- Mark Twain

-- Stanley Laurel

-- Vince Lombardi

-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

-- Solemnization of Matrimony


-- Isaac Newton


-- H.L. Mencken


-- George Bernard Shaw


-- Popeye


-- W.C. Fields


-- Allen Ginsberg

-- Charlie Chaplin

-- John Paul Jones


-- Horace Greeley


-- Kris Kristofferson

-- Joseph P. Kennedy


-- Emma Lazarus

"I shot an arrow in the air, it fell to earth ...
and is now Exhibit A in a negligent homicide."

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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