Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image
By John Breneman
United Nations has assembled a blue-ribbon task force to rebuild
bullet-riddled Afghanistan and there is encouraging fake news
on the diplomatic front. U.N. envoys have agreed to a transitional
post-Taliban administration headed by Muhammad Ali
and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
The delegates also have hammered out a plan to establish
a new Islamocratic form of government composed of a democratically
elected Senate and House of Mullahs.
The U.N. accord puts in motion an aggressive economic development
strategy, beginning with the immediate deployment of 400 McDonald's
franchises serving Allah-approved Happy Meals and Lentil McNuggets.
The nation's rugged landscape will be strategically targeted
with a barrage of Wal-Marts and its bombed-out highway infrastructure
will receive a much-needed overhaul to support the incoming
armada of Coca-Cola trucks.
Chrysler has announced plans for a string of dealerships
run by the popular Afghani car salesman "Crazy Al"
Inventor Dean Kamen's vision is to equip 100,000 Afghanis
with his revolutionary new Segway scooter. He also plans to
unveil three new inventions in Kabul tomorrow - the goat-hair
toupee, mutton-flavored toothpaste and the ergonomically correct
Meanwhile, U.S. financial consultants are devising a strategy
to help the nation convert from its traditional dirt-based
economy to a more stable greed-based system. And developers
hope to ease the nation's housing shortage by converting caves
Other initiatives to aid this war-ravaged nation include
a "War on Poverty," "War on Hunger" and
"War on Illiteracy." Attorney General John Ashcroft
is pushing for a "War on Poppies" to stop the nation's
illicit opium trade. To fill the void, U.S. tobacco makers
will flood the region with Camels, Kools and Marlboros, which
will be dirt cheap until everybody gets addicted.
Western specialists will rebuild Afghanistan's tattered medical
system by establishing heartless HMOs that will produce enough
red tape to ensure inadequate high-priced health care for
an opportunity to hook a whole new market of tube-addicted
drones, the television industry is working on a blockbuster
fall lineup featuring programs like "Buffy the Taliban
Slayer," "Fiends" and "Who Wants to Be
a Military Casualty?"
And, citing the enduring popularity among Americans of the
patriotic symbol "Uncle Sam," U.N. nation builders
are hoping to foster national pride by introducing a ubiquitous
Afghani cartoon character called "Uncle Stan."
Back to PAGE ONE
Bangladesh backs Bush in Iraq war
By John Breneman
The United States should launch a pre-emptive military strike
against Iraq by opening up "an extremely large can of
whoopass." This according to Ambassador Jacques Melvin
of Luxembourg, one of many nations to call for immediate action
against Saddam Hussein following President Bush's tough speech
to the United Nations on Thursday.
The world's major powers favored crafting a Security Council
resolution demanding the return of weapons inspectors, but
more than a dozen smaller countries spoke out for a swift
and decisive pummeling of the defiant Iraqi leader.
"It's go time," said Sebastian Prawn, special U.N.
attache from the Bahamas.
"Let's rumble," said Arturo DiMaunchie, ambassador
from Mozambique. DiMaunchie denied a rumor that America was
offering $1 billion in aid to any nation that joined the cause
and insisted his country was simply hoping to curry favor
with the wealthy and intimidating U.S.
None of the nations offered actual military backing for an
assault on Iraq, but several pledged "unconditional verbal
support," including Fiji, Croatia and Bangladesh.
"America should erupt a nuclear hell-fire on this very
bad devil-dictator man before he shoots off his anatomically
incorrect missiles of naked aggression," said Bangladeshi
leader Mahatma Dondi.
Ambassador Kingston Rasta of Trinidad & Tobago called
for a U.N.-backed "pox" on Hussein, while his colleague
from East Timor produced a bobble-head Saddam voodoo doll
and began poking it with a penknife.
Vietnam pressed for strategic napalming and a spokesman for
Albania said Hussein should disarm immediately or face "the
mother of all dope-slappings."
Meanwhile, 62 percent of Americans favor "bashing Saddam
Hussein's head in taking his oil," according to a recent
poll conducted by the Regime Change Foundation.