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Humor Gazette Archive

Pork for Halliburton, none for France

By John Breneman

The Bush administration cleverly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into one of its two left feet this week with its decision to exclude France, Germany, Russia and other nations from $18.6 billion in U.S. funds to rebuild Iraq.

President Bush explained Thursday that only those nations that "risked lives" in his ill-advised personal crusade to crush Saddam Hussein would be eligible for U.S.-financed reconstruction contracts.

"American taxpayers are getting screwed in this deal so it is only fair that we also stick it to any nation that was not part of the 'coalition of the willing'," said the president.

"Besides, I¹ve already promised most of that money to my pals."
It is widely believed that the bulk of the Iraqi reconstruction bonanza will be awarded to politically connected U.S. megacompanies favored by the president and his cronies.

Competitive bidding may not even be needed, Bush explained, because "the courageous corporate warriors at Halliburton and Bechtel risked their lives" to produce outrageously inflated estimates of what they will charge to rebuild Iraq's electric, communications, transportation and oil industries.

In keeping with his extraordinary capacity for general cluelessness, the president did not appear at all fazed that his administration was simultaneously asking "those chicken-shit countries that didn't send their guys to be killed" to write off billions in debts owed to them by Iraq.

The Pentagon list of who's been naughty and nice also freezes out Canada, while insuring that key U.S. allies like Eritrea, Albania and Uganda will reap up to a couple thousands bucks each.

"What a dipshit," Russian President Vladimir V. Putin said of Bush. "That guy is number than a hake," agreed Chancellor Gerhard Schröder of Germany. "Mon dieu," said French President Jacques Chirac. "Monsieur W. is, how you say, an imbecile."

Foreign policy analysts say the fact that France, Germany and Russia are outraged by the Pentagon decision fits well with the administration's strategy of accidentally fomenting anti-American sentiment throughout the world.


Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image

By John Breneman

The United Nations has assembled a blue-ribbon task force to rebuild bullet-riddled Afghanistan and there is encouraging fake news on the diplomatic front. U.N. envoys have agreed to a transitional post-Taliban administration headed by Muhammad Ali and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

The delegates also have hammered out a plan to establish a new Islamocratic form of government composed of a democratically elected Senate and House of Mullahs.

The U.N. accord puts in motion an aggressive economic development strategy, beginning with the immediate deployment of 400 McDonald's franchises serving Allah-approved Happy Meals and Lentil McNuggets.

The nation's rugged landscape will be strategically targeted with a barrage of Wal-Marts and its bombed-out highway infrastructure will receive a much-needed overhaul to support the incoming armada of Coca-Cola trucks.

Chrysler has announced plans for a string of dealerships run by the popular Afghani car salesman "Crazy Al" Qaeda.

Inventor Dean Kamen's vision is to equip 100,000 Afghanis with his revolutionary new Segway scooter. He also plans to unveil three new inventions in Kabul tomorrow - the goat-hair toupee, mutton-flavored toothpaste and the ergonomically correct prayer mat.

Meanwhile, U.S. financial consultants are devising a strategy to help the nation convert from its traditional dirt-based economy to a more stable greed-based system. And developers hope to ease the nation's housing shortage by converting caves into condos.

Other initiatives to aid this war-ravaged nation include a "War on Poverty," "War on Hunger" and "War on Illiteracy." Attorney General John Ashcroft is pushing for a "War on Poppies" to stop the nation's illicit opium trade. To fill the void, U.S. tobacco makers will flood the region with Camels, Kools and Marlboros, which will be dirt cheap until everybody gets addicted.

Western specialists will rebuild Afghanistan's tattered medical system by establishing heartless HMOs that will produce enough red tape to ensure inadequate high-priced health care for all.

Seizing an opportunity to hook a whole new market of tube-addicted drones, the television industry is working on a blockbuster fall lineup featuring programs like "Buffy the Taliban Slayer," "Fiends" and "Who Wants to Be a Military Casualty?"

And, citing the enduring popularity among Americans of the patriotic symbol "Uncle Sam," U.N. nation builders are hoping to foster national pride by introducing a ubiquitous Afghani cartoon character called "Uncle Stan."


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Bangladesh backs Bush in Iraq war

By John Breneman

The United States should launch a pre-emptive military strike against Iraq by opening up "an extremely large can of whoopass." This according to Ambassador Jacques Melvin of Luxembourg, one of many nations to call for immediate action against Saddam Hussein following President Bush's tough speech to the United Nations on Thursday.

The world's major powers favored crafting a Security Council resolution demanding the return of weapons inspectors, but more than a dozen smaller countries spoke out for a swift and decisive pummeling of the defiant Iraqi leader.

"It's go time," said Sebastian Prawn, special U.N. attache from the Bahamas.

"Let's rumble," said Arturo DiMaunchie, ambassador from Mozambique. DiMaunchie denied a rumor that America was offering $1 billion in aid to any nation that joined the cause and insisted his country was simply hoping to curry favor with the wealthy and intimidating U.S.

None of the nations offered actual military backing for an assault on Iraq, but several pledged "unconditional verbal support," including Fiji, Croatia and Bangladesh.
"America should erupt a nuclear hell-fire on this very bad devil-dictator man before he shoots off his anatomically incorrect missiles of naked aggression," said Bangladeshi leader Mahatma Dondi.

Ambassador Kingston Rasta of Trinidad & Tobago called for a U.N.-backed "pox" on Hussein, while his colleague from East Timor produced a bobble-head Saddam voodoo doll and began poking it with a penknife.

Vietnam pressed for strategic napalming and a spokesman for Albania said Hussein should disarm immediately or face "the mother of all dope-slappings."

Meanwhile, 62 percent of Americans favor "bashing Saddam Hussein's head in taking his oil," according to a recent poll conducted by the Regime Change Foundation.


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