'Get off your butt'
By John Breneman
(June 25, 2002) WASHINGTON
-- Warning that America has turned into a nation of "flabby
lard-asses," President George W. Bush unveiled a national
fitness initiative on Saturday after leading White House staffers
through a grueling "Abs of Steel" video workout.
An estimated 60 percent of U.S. adults
are overweight, said the president, who challenged Americans
to get 30 minutes of exercise each day, whether it's running,
walking the dog or just spanking the monkey.
"Either you're with us, or you're
with the terrorists," said Bush, noting that our national
appetite for nachos and fried food contributes to the country's
dependence on foreign grease.
"Our nation's health depends
on every American doing his or her part," said the president,
who also cautioned citizens to avoid "risky behaviors"
like smoking cancer sticks and crack, shooting heroin or getting
so drunk that you choke on your own vomit.
America's obesity also impacts
her astronomical health care costs. For example, the nation
now spends an annual $183 billion to fight heart disease alone,
almost as much as we spend on Chicken McNuggets each year.
The president's high-profile
fitness extravaganza also featured a 3-mile run on Saturday.
After clocking in at 20:09, the president issued a bold challenge,
daring other world leaders to race him.
"Forget the nuclear arms
race," he said. "Hussein, Arafat, Pervez Musharraf
... I'll leave all of 'em in the dust."
The president, a self-described
gym rat who likes to spend up to four hours a day playing T-Ball,
plans to give a major speech on Wednesday encouraging Americans
to eat more spinach and yams.
Bush is also expected to announce
new federal funding for liposuction during Wednesday's
first-ever presidential "Weight of the Union"
President says he won't rule out using
military force to squash Democrats
By John Breneman
4, 2003) WASHINGTON -- With his poll numbers slipping,
President Bush said today he would not rule out using military
force if he feels any of the Democratic candidates poses a
significant threat to U.S. interests.
The president said he has evidence that retired Gen. Wesley
Clark and other Democratic contenders may be stockpiling chemical
and biological weapons in their campaign warchests. Further,
Bush said, the British government has documents purporting
to show that Sen. John Kerry attempted to purchase uranium
"yellow cake" from Niger.
"You're either with us or you're a terrorist,"
said Bush, who claimed to possess some "darn good intelligence"
revealing that each Democratic candidate opposes both the
president and his policies. Bush said he has learned that
Howard Dean and Joe Lieberman have ties to al Qaeda and that
Al Sharpton once invited Saddam Hussein and his sons to a
P. Diddy concert.
If the Democrats persist in criticizing the war in Iraq,
the president said he will have no choice but to "give
'em a taste of heavy artillery." Asked what types of
offenses might warrant a military response, Bush said he would
only consider deploying troops if the Democrats continue to
whine about U.S. casualties in Iraq and the need to seek help
from the international community.
The president's mother, Barbara Bush, who recently called
the field of Democratic contenders "a pretty sorry group,"
said she stands prepared to use even harsher language "if
those pathetic liberal jackasses don't stop harassing my Georgie."
Bush stopped short of issuing a formal declaration of war
against his rivals, but assured the American people that he
would not hesitate to use some of his favorite "nuke-u-lar
weapons" to defeat the menacing Democratic "axis
Back to PAGE ONE