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Old Man Bush kills son in badminton

By John Breneman

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine - The stock market dropped sharply yesterday when investors learned that President George W. Bush was a little depressed after his weekend trip to the majestic oceanfront Bush estate.

According to an inside source at the family compound in Kennebunkport, George W. celebrated his 56th birthday getting beaten at everything from badminton to bocce by his gloating father, the original President George Bush.

"The president's ego really took a thrashing. Frankly, I'm concerned about potential foreign policy implications," said Herb W. Bush, a local shrimp peddler who claims to be the president's "fourth or fifth cousin twice removed."

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 104.6 points and world leaders were said to be concerned about reports that the president had suffered a demoralizing defeat at Risk, the popular world conquest board game, by being a bit to eager with the dice.

In a hake chowder thick Maine accent, Herb W. Bush recounted how the older and wiser 41st president "schooled" his whippersnapper son in a merciless series of what he called "lessons." Humiliating defeats at horseshoes, tennis and cards. Fishing, clam digging and cigarette boat racing. Parcheesi and Stratego.

"Why even I whipped him at badminton," drawled Bush, who except for a long, thick white beard and corncob pipe bears a striking resemblance to his distant cousin.

The Bush cousin reported seeing a heartwarming father-son game of catch turn tense when the elder Bush, a strapping first baseman during his collegiate years at Yale, began stinging his son's mitt with fastballs until he cried "Uncle!"

Among his birthday gifts, President Bush received a pair of shiny L.L. Bean "El Jefe" fishing boots, a couple handguns and a $20 gift certificate to Flo's hot dog stand in York.


Read his lips, Bush joins Sox

The elder Bush meets Babe Ruth as a senior at Yale in 1948.

By John Breneman

BOSTON -- (May 30, 1999) Desperate to add power to their lineup after the departure of outspoken slugger Mo Vaughn, the Red Sox today acquired veteran first baseman George H.W. Bush.

Bush, who led Yale University to the first two College World Series in 1947-48, has been out of baseball for over five decades. But Sox manager Jimy Williams said the former president has been working out hard since losing his re-election bid in 1992 and is "really stinging the ball."

Sox general manager Dan Duquette said he has had his eye on Bush since the Gulf War and jumped at the chance to sign him to an incentive-laden contract reported to be worth $4.5 million over three years.

"The Sox need power," said Duquette, "and Mr. Bush is only several years removed from being the most powerful man in the world."

Bush's contract calls for an extra $1 million if he belts 30 home runs, another $1.5 million if he is named the American League's Most Valuable Player, and an additional $2 million if he topples Slobodan Milosevic from power in war-torn former Yugoslavia.

During a stellar collegiate career at Yale, Bush played in 51 games, hitting .251 with two home runs and 23 runs batted in. He also posted a nifty .981 fielding percentage. The Yale nine advanced to the first College World Series in 1947, before suffering a heartbreaking 8-7 loss to California in the championship game.

The following year, Bush was named captain of the Elis and the team once again reached the championship game before falling 9-2, this time to the University of Southern California.

Also during the memorable 1948 season, Bush met the legendary Babe Ruth, who visited Yale to present the school with an original manuscript of his autobiography. The great Ruth left a lasting impression on the young Bush who, according to those closest to him, harbored a secret desire to play pro ball throughout a lifetime of extraordinary achievement.

Now Bush is in negotiations with the Bush Library in College Station, Texas, to obtain some of his old baseball equipment. His first baseman's mitt (photo available online) is still in remarkable condition and Bush reportedly has asked the museum curator to trade the glove for a pair of slacks Bush wore during a tense confrontation with Saddam Hussein.

The curator is said to be holding out for a secret-agent decoder watch sported by Bush during his tenure as director of the CIA, but a deal is expected to be reached in time for tomorrow's 1:05 p.m. home game against Detroit.

Manager Williams said Bush will probably bat third, just ahead of shortstop Nomar Garciaparra, and suggested that Bush's proven clubhouse leadership will be just as important as whatever offensive spark he is able to bring to the lineup.

Bush reportedly has been considering a comeback for several years, but finalized his decision after a long 36-hole discussion with Michael Jordan, who advised the former president that he would always regret it if he didn't try to achieve his unlikely baseball dream.

In addition to his grueling creatine-fueled Nautilus workouts, Bush has been staying fit by playing golf and tennis, and honing his batting grip by clinging to the steering wheel of his high-powered cigarette boat as it tears through the surf in Kennebunkport.

Friends say Bush is eager to "get a piece of those d--- Yankees" and determined to help the Red Sox win a World Series title.

"Read my lips," Bush said while lacing up his cleats and applying some eye black in the dugout at Fenway Park, "I'm ready to step up to the plate. Ready for action."

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman predicts that Bush will hit a grand slam on Sept. 28 to clinch the American League East pennant.

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