Cloning 101 with Dr. Gene Meddler
By John Breneman
Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced
today they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears
a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush.
The president sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough
as "morally wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes
just as strongly that human cloning is "morally right."
This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
These startling imaginary developments come just days
after a Worcester, Mass., company announced for real that it had
become the first to clone a human embryo.
The claim, which sparked a torrent of publicity and
criticism, has fueled the public's curiosity about a possible brave,
and scary, new world. The issue has also raised profound moral and
ethical questions, such as:
-- Shouldn't the creation of human life be left to
the only fully qualified professional - God?
-- Do clones have artificial souls?
-- And, how soon will they be available at Wal-Mart?
Congress is now mulling a ban on human cloning. But lawmakers sponsoring
the bill refused to comment when asked for proof that they, themselves,
are not in fact clones.
Existing boy bands and blond pop clonettes would be grandfathered,
but all future cloning of Britney Spears would be banned.
Another bill, backed by the NRA, ensures that all
American clones would enjoy the right to bear firearms.
"Cloning has indeed opened up what we in the
industry call a 'can of worms,'" said Dr. D.N. Ayotte of the
prestigious Cells 'R' Us research institute.
Scientists around the globe have made astonishing
advances in cloning, according to Dr. Ayotte, whose federally funded
research involves generating human life from "a gob of pig
cells" and a can of Dinty Moore beef stew.
Several firms are exploring the use of cloned human
tissue to treat a range of ailments - from mumps and shingles to
cerebral gallstones and split personality. Researchers at Advanced
Gridiron Technology are developing replaceable limbs for injured
football players, and have already received a rush order for 250
of their "pop-in" anterior cruciate ligaments.
Considerable progress has been made in the cloning
of cows, sheep and Regis Philbin. And McDonald's has just announced
a new specialty sandwich made with "genuine cloned lobster
The economy has also been stimulated with a spate
of high-tech startups like Klonex Tissues, Levi's 501 Genes and
National security implications also loom large. Dr.
Meddler of the University of South Berwick said his team has achieved
added authenticity by equipping the Bush clone with subpar artificial
intelligence. The CIA has already interrogated him about acquiring
and deploying the W2.
But public concern about the potential uses and abuses
of human cloning is rampant. York officials have proposed an ordinance
creating the nation's first "clone-free zone." And anti-cloning
activists have predicted a grim future in which jack-booted government
clones take all the good jobs and parking spaces, while blurring
the already-fuzzy line between real and fake.
John Breneman favors a federal moratorium
on all future cloning of humor columnists
North Korea switches from communism to clonism
By John Breneman
of North Koreans marched on the capital of Pyongyang today demanding
that leader Kim Jong Il be replaced by Claude Vorilhon, the mysterious
head of the international cloning movement.
Kim's approval rating dropped sharply in recent weeks as North
Koreans have become disillusioned with his handling of U.S. President
George W. Bush, who they call "the pesky little chimp."
Followers also are said to be displeased by Kim's well-known penchant
for Western goods like Budweiser, American chop suey and crack.
Poised to step into the leadership void is Vorilhon, who plans
to strengthen the Asian nation of 21 million by cloning several
million new North Koreans before summer.
Vorilhon, who calls himself Rael, also pledged to open lines of
communication between North Korea and influential members of the
To help keep the rest of the world on edge, he said he would accelerate
the sale of missiles to nations like Yemen, Finland and Aruba. Vorilhon
said he might also be able to get ahold of some bubonic plague.
An estimated 1 million North Koreans marched up to the moat of
Kim's gold-plated palace with banners reading: "Kim Jong Il
is a friggin' jackass" and "Clones will help us smash
the capitalist American pig-dogs."
Son puts Sox slugger in deep-freeze
By John Breneman
John Henry Williams, who FedExed his deceased dad to a deep-freeze
facility in Arizona, today produced a document he claims reflects
the last wishes of the legendary slugger Ted Williams.
say the document may be legally binding because it carries a realistic
looking "Ted Williams" signature in cursive handwriting,
just above the words "genuine authentic Ted Williams-style
Though Williams' daughter and many of his closest friends insist
that John Henry is violating both his father's dignity and his wish
to be cremated, the son says the newly discovered document spells
out the Hall of Fame hitter's desire to be "exploited in the
most bizarre fashion possible."
John Henry Williams said his father often spoke of wanting to be
frozen up like "a goddamn bonefish" and have his DNA used
to clone a genetically superior batsman capable of hitting .604
with 85 home runs and 270 runs batted in.
And in his more whimsical moments, according to his son, Williams
often mused that it would be great fun to have his fingernails and
thatches of his hair auctioned off on eBay.
Surrounded by TV cameras at a press conference announcing the will,
John Henry Williams said he had also just discovered a box containing
800 bats that his father had used during his final game at Fenway
Park in 1960. The bats, now selling for $199.95 each on John Henry's
new Web site frozenmealticket.com, are the centerpiece of his a
new line of Ted Williams memorabilia.
"Splendid Splinter" toothpicks (carved from bats purchased
using Ted Williams' credit card) -- $19.95 each
Official Ted Williams Kleenex tissues (soiled with the slugger's
nasal DNA) -- $29.95 each
Leftover worms from a Maine fishing trip -- $39.95 each or 3 for
Tape recording of Ted Williams yelling "shut off that goddamn
tape recorder, you money-grubbing son of a bitch" -- $49.95
Pens used by Ted Williams to unwittingly sign checks paying for
his son's failed business enterprises -- $59.95
Steroids infiltrate Washington, Wall Street
By John Breneman
Recent reports of a steroid epidemic in Major League Baseball have
spurred shocking allegations about widespread use of performance-enhancing
drugs among stock brokers, politicians and TV news reporters.
the brokers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange are juiced,"
claimed Andrew Stenedione, a retired Merrill Lynch financial analyst.
"Those guys are animals. Once I was about to buy 5,000 shares
of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7, 320-pound broker just
slammed me to the floor to block my deal," he said.
"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000 shares of MuscleTech
at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's goon -- eyes bulging,
veins popping out of his head -- screamed, 'Gimme those shares at
20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine out!"
Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being heard from Wall
Street to Washington amid reports of ripped politicians and bulked-up
TV news anchors buying new wardrobes because they can no longer
fit into their tailored three-piece suits.
Violent filibusters and legislative "smackdowns" are
all the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers are returning
from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional watchdogs
say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers are turning to
Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative performance.
"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring 12 pieces of
legislation in the 2000 legislative session to 147 bills in 2001.
You don't get that kind of production from diet and exercise,"
said an anonymous Republican strategist. "God help us if Teddy
Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."
Back to PAGE ONE