Red Sox to build Fenway Mongoplex
By John Breneman
They say Fenway Park has got to go. Too old and quaint.
Rustic but just plain rusted.
Better get to Fenway while you can because I hear that pretty soon
the Red Sox will be playing their home games in a state-of-the-art
These new old-fashioned ballparks in San Francisco,
Baltimore and Pittsburgh are all very charming. But the new owners
of the Red Sox know the revenue you can suck in with a gargantuan
custom-designed Mongoplex is astronomical. And it offers a virtually
unparalleled cyberbaseball experience.
put Red Sox management in touch with a crack team of investors eager
to replace decrepit little Fenway with a gleaming new 10-story Mongoplex
right on the same site.
The Sox would play on real grass 150 feet above sea level on the
10th floor of a spacious multipurpose tower featuring a retractable
roof, a replica Green Monster and luxury-box seating with a view
of Nantucket. The domed roof will be gold-plated to add that elegant
touch of class that tourists find irresistible.
But wait, there's more.
This massive revenue machine would have far-reaching benefits to
Boston and the entire Northeast corridor, creating jobs and cash,
drawing major conventions, and hosting a smorgasbord of big-time
cultural and sporting events.
Picture, if you will, a colossal Mongoplex - looking something like
the Washington Monument on steroids - a convention center on the
ground floor with underground parking for 10,000 cars.
The Mongoplex would cost at least $14 billion and would be paid
for, in part, by placing slot machines in every town and city hall
in Massachusetts. Additional funds would be raised by shaking down
rich people and holding a statewide bake sale.
Sports, science and the arts would converge at the
10-story Mongoplex. Here is a sample of the offerings on a hypothetical
Saturday night in October 2005 if we get this thing on the fast
First floor: The World Wrestling Federation's
"Nuclear Texas Chainsaw Anthrax Hand Grenade Death Match,"
featuring a cage full of cartoonish, chemically enhanced megamen
performing a brilliantly choreographed blend of dance, ultraviolence
and sexual perversity.
Second floor: The annual convention of
the 50,000-member National Pistol-Whipping Association, an
underground militia of men and women who not only like to
shoot guns, they like to hit people in the head with them.
Third floor: The World Poetry Slam Finals,
featuring such world-class counter-culture literati as Busta
Sonnet and Arthur "King of All Adjectives" Jones.
Opening the festivities: a no-verbs-barred exhibition of Ball-Peen
Grammar by noted etymologist Chris Elliott.
Fourth floor: Opening night at the first
OMNISCIENT-MAX theater, where viewers are so engulfed by sights,
sounds, smells and subliminal sensations that the effect is
that of having a God-like view of the movie being shown. In
this case, a double bill - "No, No, Nanette" and
"Porky's 2: Bambino's Revenge."
Fifth floor: Welcome to Soxwood - a Native
American casino with a baseball theme. Gamble away the hours
while eating complimentary Fenway Franks and sipping weak
beer out of a plastic cup.
Sixth floor: Weekly "Battle of the
Bands." Just imagine the irreparable eustachian tube
damage waiting to be wreaked in the Mongoplex by such hot
new bands as Goon Posse, Decibel Overlords and Punctured Ear
Drum. Not to mention local talent like Beige Chameleon, Decaying
Infrastructure and Petrocelli's Jockstrap.
Seventh floor: Executive offices for
cutting-edge firms. Target tenants include biotech innovators
like the Gene Wilder Cloning Institute and investment firms
like Smith Barney Rubble.
Eight and ninth floors: A Radisson Fenway luxury hotel.
When world leaders are in town for the international summit
conference downstairs, they'll spend millions knocking back
$8 Sam Adamses at the authentic "Cheers" bar. The
economic spinoff is projected to enrich nearby local businesses
like McDonald's and Burger King.
And now, please rise for the national anthem ...
Tenth floor: Red Sox vs. the Atlanta Braves, Game 7
of the World Series. My prediction: Pedro Martinez and the
Sox win 2-0, busting the Curse of the Bambino in the rarefied
air of the magnificent Fenway Mongoplex.
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