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By John Breneman

Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have solved the mystery of global warming.

A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Hell.

Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis,
Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly to Hades. For example:

-- Snatching of souls is up 29 percent over the previous fiscal year.

-- Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 65 percent, due in part to triple-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and greed during the 1980s and 90s.

-- Underworld space constraints have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.

The Helsinki report also cited the Devil's incendiary work here on Earth, noting that the FBI is now examining what appears to be charred, cloven hoof prints lifted from shredded Enron documents.

The report also charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East.

Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp roundly denounced the University of Helsinki findings as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."

"This is just another example of the Devil being used as a scapegoat for man's innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena, Montana.

Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.
"The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch -- call him what you will -- has been around for thousands of years perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense."

The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington, D.C.




And it's
good for the economy, too

By John Breneman

WASHINGTON -- Responding to growing fears about global warming, President Bush today unveiled a multi-pronged "Inaction Plan" touting the economic benefits of environmental degradation.

A report just released by the administration's Environmental Protection Agency foresees drastic climate changes on the horizon. But this has not fazed the president, whose rise to power was fueled by friends who emit greenhouse gases for breakfast.

Bush said he only needed to read the first couple paragraphs of the EPA report to imagine a "warmer America" where oil crews could defile the Alaska wilderness year-round wearing government-issue Exxon T-shirts.

The Oilman-in-Chief cautioned Americans against cutting back on gasoline consumption or purchasing "wimpy" hybrid automobiles.

"Fossil fuels are what made this country great," said Bush, who has addressed worldwide environmental concerns by rejecting the Kyoto Protocol in favor of his "Smoggy Skies" initiative. "When the icebergs melt, we can just scoop up that water and use it to refill some of the rivers and lakes that are being polluted in the name of progress," said Bush.

The president grinned at suggestions that if global warming goes unchecked, New Hampshire will soon resemble the Sahara Desert, only with moose instead of camels.

Though the so-called "Greenhouse Effect" is not a concern at the White House, political climatologists forecast that highly partisan gusts of hot air will continue to blow hard through the nation's capital.


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