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Voice on new
bin Laden tape
is revealed to be
Pee-Wee Herman

By John Breneman

Intelligence experts have confirmed that the voice an on audiotape purported to be that of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is actually that of Pee-Wee Herman.

The tape was broadcast today by Arab satellite station al-Jazeera along with a photograph of a bearded Herman (aka Osama bin Ruebens and Sheikh Pee-Wee bin Herman) posing with a Kalashnikov "Super Soaker" squirt rifle.

Herman, who was charged last week with possessing naughty pictures of young boys, did not specifically take credit for the Sept. 11 attacks. But U.S. military officials suggest all males age 16 and under be on a heightened state of alert.

The once-popular entertainer, who is believed to be hiding out in an underground "playhouse" in northern Pakistan, was denounced by President Bush today as a "cowardly little pervert."

According to unsubstantiated reports, Al-Jazeera has obtained a followup recording in which an obnoxious-sounding Herman taunts the president, saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"


Yasser Arafat may have a
new feud on his hands
McCoys defeat Hatfields, set
sights on Arafat

By John Breneman

Secretary of State Colin Powell today unveiled a plan to end violence in the Middle East by creating a Palestinian state near Pikeville, Kentucky - best known as the home of the Hatfields and the McCoys.

"We done killed off most of them Hatfields," said Jethro McCoy III. "Now weez lookin' fer somebody new to feud with and I heared them Palestinian sumbitches is dang good feuders."

Under a tentative deal hammered out with Yasser Arafat over a jug of corn whiskey, the McCoys agreed to support a Palestinian homeland on the West Bank of the Tug Fork River. Palestinian refugees would also gain full control of the long-disputed Gaza Swamp.

"I reckon we'll let 'em git settled in fer a spell, then mosey over and pump their behinds fulla buckshot," said McCoy. "They kin shoot back and chuck rocks at us and the like. But we don't cotton to none o' that sooey-cide bombin'."

The meeting produced immediate signs that the accord may succeed, as the 72-year-old McCoy jabbed his finger into the PLO leader's chest and said, "You shur talks funny, ya raggedy-ass hog-stealin' raghead."

When Arafat responded by calling the McCoy patriarch a "toothless Jew-loving hillbilly," the woodsman observed that Arafat "wuz gittin' a mite ornery."

McCoy then turned to Secretary of State Powell and warned, "If wunna them A-Rabs tries to make off with our moonshine, they's gonna be hell to pay."

Powell just shrugged and suggested the McCoys tack up some signs with the words "No Trespassin'" printed in Arabic.


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