Ex-House Speaker secretes hat into ring

One of the slimiest politicians in U.S. history announced a presidential bid today, prompting involuntary gag reflexes throughout the human and animal communities.

Newt Gingrich, noted right-wing amphibian, wriggled into the race for the Reptilian nomination, vowing to return America to a time when hypocrisy reigned supreme -- a time when a soulless douche could get famous by trying to run the president out of Washington for fooling around with an intern while he himself was also cheating on his wife.

Critics say Gingrich's re-emergence signals the need for America to have an "adultery conversation" -- specifically about the four-legged contender's utter lack of morals.

Political analysts say Gingrich distinguishes itself from the rest of the GOP presidential field with its ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, intestines, and upper and lower jaws.

Supporters say Newt can also secrete enough tetrodotoxin to kill a 180-pound liberal.

Voters are urged to avoid allowing Gingrich to come into contact with mucous membranes. In the vent of accidental contact, vigorous hand-washing techniques should be employed.

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