Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54

Osama bin Laden -- long considered the world's biggest asshole -- died suddenly today.

He was 54.

The world's second-biggest asshole, Donald Trump, said he was honored to assume the title, as the Internet exploded with reports of Trump demanding to see bin Laden's death certificate.

U.S. forces raided bin Laden's swanky Pakistan hideout, where the cowardly terror kingpin was identified by facial recognition -- immediately followed by facial receiving of American bullets, bitch.

His identity was confirmed by fingerprints, DNA and the "Martyrs Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.

Also killed in the U.S. offensive, bin Laden's turban stylist, his longtime manicurist and his beloved hamster, Mr. Nibbles.

Born in into a wealthy family in Saudi Arabia, bin Laden is remembered as an academic prodigy at the elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor, "By the time Osama reached sixth grade he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level."

A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists Local 666, bin Laden rose to prominence as host of the popular Saudi game show "Who Wants to Murder an Infidel."

Long criticized for perverting the peaceful Muslim religion, bin Laden reportedly spent two hours a day praying for a bowel movement and another three hours playing Sudoku. In his spare time he enjoyed needlepoint, watching "Jersey Shore" reruns and picking dung beetles out of his mangy beard

Widely credited with brainwashing even more gullible morons than Glenn Beck, he also enjoyed plotting the destruction of humanity and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow. Other hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy, homemade videotapes and spending "quiet time" with his donkeys.

Friends say he will be remembered as a role model for dimwitted young psychopaths.

"He never met a non-Muslim he didn't hate," said Ayman "Al" Zawahiri, a colleague and possible successor. "And he never let respect for human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology."

Experts say bin Laden's loss will be strongly felt in Islamist terror circles, as the Internet crackles with chatter about who'll take his place as catcher on the al-Qaeda softball team.

Services will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Bin Laden's name to the Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.

Related stories:
GOP strategy is win-win ... for bin Laden -- Dec. 22, 2010

Bush flip-flops on Osama ("not that concerned about him") -- Oct. 14, 2004

Al-Qaeda snatches Paris Hilton -- June 12, 2006

Bin Laden straw-hat disguise not fooling CIA -- April 6, 2005

Bin Laden linked to Satan's pig-monkey

After the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like 'Bush suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction' would be a victory for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times, the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like 'Al Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.' Below are some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead
-- June 9, 2006
Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio
-- Jan. 20, 2006
Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '05
-- Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi's approval rating falls
-- Nov. 25, 2005
Terrorists revealed
to be morons

-- July 22, 2005
London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks
-- July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick
-- June 6, 2005
Mother's Day card yields clues on bin Laden
-- May 9, 2005
Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
-- March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
-- March 26, 2004
Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
-- Nov. 19, 2002
Rebuilding Afghanistan
in our image

-- Dec. 10, 2001