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Osama tape released on Afghanistan Gangsta label

Voice on new
recording is revealed to be
Pee-Wee Herman

Intelligence experts have confirmed that the voice an on audiotape purported to be that of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is actually that of Pee-Wee Herman.

The tape was broadcast today by Arab satellite station al-Jazeera along with a photograph of a bearded Herman (aka Osama bin Ruebens and Sheikh Pee-Wee bin Herman) posing with a Kalashnikov "Super Soaker" squirt rifle.

Herman, who was charged last week with possessing naughty pictures of young boys, did not specifically take credit for the Sept. 11 attacks. But U.S. military officials suggest all males age 16 and under be on a heightened state of alert.

The once-popular entertainer, who is believed to be hiding out in an underground "playhouse" in northern Pakistan, was denounced by President Bush today as a "cowardly little pervert."

According to unsubstantiated reports, Al-Jazeera has obtained a followup recording in which an obnoxious-sounding Herman taunts the president, saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"


Bin Laden audiotape available soon on CD

By John Breneman

Osama bin Laden made a mysterious appearance on the Home Shopping Network last night and announced that he is slashing prices on his vast inventory of duct tape.

Intelligence experts say the voice is definitely that of bin Laden, a fact confirmed by sophisticated audio analysis and his repeated use of the word "friggin'."

Bin Laden also spent time hawking his latest audiotape, also available on CD, with special bonus tracks of the bearded baritone terrorist remaking the classic Elvis hits "Hate Me Tender" and "Blue Suede Combat Boots."

Meanwhile, the National Enquirer reports it has startling new evidence linking bin Laden with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein and pop singer Britney Spears.

The Enquirer also ran an exclusive report stating bin Laden was recently abducted by aliens and returned to Earth sporting giant lobster claws where his hands used to be.

Also, a Herald source inside the Pentagon said the wily terrorist may have eluded capture by hooking up with fugitive Boston mobster James "Whitey" Bulger.

President Bush announced that since the U.S. cannot locate bin Laden, military leaders are expanding the list of possible ways to kill Saddam Hussein to include the following:

-- Gangsta drive-by.
-- Cement shoes.
-- Hot dogs treated with Grey Poupon mustard gas.
-- Or, have cheating husband killer Clara Harris run over him with her Mercedes.

The president said today he is giving Hussein one last chance to disarm, and declared if he does not disarm voluntarily, "We will rip his friggin' arms right off of his shoulders and replace them with lobster claws."


Back to PAGE ONE

Bin Laden linked to baseball terrorism, 'Curse of Bambino'

Osama bin Laden today claimed responsibility for baseball's infamous "Curse of the Bambino." Appearing on videotape sporting a New York Yankees cap and swinging a Louisville Slugger instead of the Kalashnikov rifle he customarily wields in photographs, bin Laden demonstrated how he triggered the curse in the 11th inning of Game Seven on October 16 by jabbing a Babe Ruth voodoo doll with a long splinter from the bat of Ted Williams. CIA sources believe the chubby-faced effigy contained strands of DNA from Bill Buckner and Bucky Dent.

Forensic video analysts confirmed the tape's authenticity, noting that Aaron Boone of New York can be observed hitting a game-winning home run seconds later on a grainy black-and-white Zenith television set with a mangled coat-hanger for an antenna. The al Qaeda boss also showcased his technological capabilities with an instant replay of the jagged splinter violating the ersatz Bambino in mega slow-motion.

Though no fatalities were reported following bin Laden's diabolical Game Seven assault, thousands of people throughout the northeastern United States suffered severe emotional trauma and injuries ranging from wrenched gut to involuntary vocal spasms of dark, bitter profanity. Nine Boston-area men reported facial lacerations caused by flying shards of TV screen.

Critics charge that the first known instance of "baseball terrorism" could have been avoided had the intelligence community not missed vital clues, such as the foiled Indonesian plot involving mustard gas-tainted Fenway Franks and numerous references in early bin Laden speeches to a mysterious "Sultan of Swat."

The CIA has since intercepted electronic communication in which bin Laden praises Ruth for "bashing his enemies to death with a heavy club" and speaks fervently of the legendary slugger's "called shot" against Charlie Root to doom the Chicago Cubs in Game Three of the 1932 World Series.

Experts in Islamic abstinence suggest bin Laden may also have envied Ruth's reputation as a hard-drinking ladies man with an insatiable lust for booze, buffets and busty showgirls.

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner could not be reached for comment.

John Breneman 10-21-03

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