Gummy bears banned from commercial flights
The Transportation Security Administration today announced new airline security restrictions to ensure heightened vigilance following the death of Osama bin Laden.
Passengers on commercial flights will no longer be able to carry on the following liquids: Nitroglycerin, chicken soup, shampoo bombs, goat milk, barrels of crude oil and vintage Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
Additional banned liquids include: Clorox, bouillabaise, monkey tears, holy water and Aunt Jemima maple syrup. Also: absinthe, Chinese black vinegar, 30-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Paul Newman's Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing.
Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Assault rifles (toy and actual), Pez dispensers, rotary phones, charcoal briquettes, Ninja death stars and most hand grenades. Other banned items: Frozen caribou steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, acetylene torches and kilos of cocaine.
Also: PVC tubing, night-vision goggles, deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters, moth balls, Preparation W, subversive literature, acorns, unstable uranium and myrrh.
See updated TSA safety tips below.