Bush vows to stop Yankee madman
By John Breneman
(Feb. 17, 2004)
Citing his brazen acquisition of the most powerful weapon
in all of baseball, President Bush today called New York Yankees
dictator George Steinbrenner an "imminent threat"
to America's national pastime.
Bush said the only way to deal with Steinbrenner, who shocked
the nation this weekend by adding Alex Rodriguez to his already
devastating arsenal, is to "take him out."
no mistake, the Yankee madman now has the capability to wipe
out the hopes and dreams of entire cities," said Bush,
adding that a pre-emptive military strike may be the only
way to topple the Steinbrenner regime.
Economic sanctions like baseball's luxury tax have failed
to stop Steinbrenner from stockpiling an offensive juggernaut
so powerful that it threatens to destroy America's sacred
national game, the president said, so it is time to "smoke
him out" of his heavily fortified compound at Yankee
Though critics have called for diplomacy, baseball analyst
Peter Gammons said Bush is itching to attack Steinbrenner's
so-called Bronx Bombers with a squadron of F/A-18E fighter
CIA and FBI analysts failed to pick up any "chatter"
about Steinbrenner's bombshell move, but the president said
there is plenty of "dang good intelligence" to support
his call for military action.
"We know he has acquired arms from communist Cuba. Now
he has the 'A-Bomb'," said Bush. "Plus a source
in the British government has learned he even poisoned thousands
of his own people with hot dogs slathered in mustard gas."
Steinbrenner issued a statement saying he defeated Bush when
the future president served as managing general partner of
the Texas Rangers from 1989-1994 and is not intimidated. He
dismissed the White House rhetoric as "bush league."
Laden claims responsibility for
'Curse of the Bambino'
By John Breneman
Osama bin Laden today claimed responsibility for baseball's
infamous "Curse of the Bambino." Appearing on videotape
sporting a New York Yankees cap and swinging a Louisville
Slugger instead of the Kalashnikov rifle he customarily wields
in photographs, bin Laden demonstrated how he triggered the
curse in the 11th inning of Game Seven on October 16, 2003,
by jabbing a Babe Ruth voodoo doll with a long splinter from
the bat of Ted Williams. CIA sources believe the chubby-faced
Ruth effigy contained strands of DNA from Bill Buckner and
Forensic video analysts confirmed the tape's authenticity, noting
that Aaron Boone of New York can be observed hitting a game-winning
home run seconds later on a grainy black-and-white Zenith television
set with a mangled coat-hanger for an antenna. The al Qaeda boss
also showcased his technological capabilities with an instant replay
of the jagged splinter violating the ersatz Bambino in mega slow-motion.
no fatalities were reported following bin Laden's diabolical
Game Seven assault, thousands of people throughout the northeastern
United States suffered severe emotional trauma and injuries
ranging from wrenched gut to involuntary vocal spasms of dark,
bitter profanity. Nine Boston-area men reported facial lacerations
caused by flying shards of TV screen.
Critics charge that the first known instance of "baseball
terrorism" could have been avoided had the intelligence community
not missed vital clues, such as the foiled Indonesian plot involving
mustard gas-tainted Fenway Franks and numerous references in early
bin Laden speeches to a mysterious "Sultan of Swat."
The CIA has since intercepted electronic communication in which
bin Laden praises Ruth for "bashing his enemies to death with
a heavy club" and speaks fervently of the legendary slugger's
"called shot" against Charlie Root to doom the Chicago
Cubs in Game Three of the 1932 World Series.
Experts in Islamic abstinence suggest bin Laden may also have envied
Ruth's reputation as a hard-drinking ladies man with an insatiable
lust for booze, buffets and busty showgirls.
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner could not be reached for comment.
Back to PAGE ONE
Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall
By John Breneman
Recent reports of a steroid epidemic in Major League Baseball
have spurred shocking allegations about widespread use of
performance-enhancing drugs among stock brokers, politicians
and TV news reporters.
"Half the brokers on the floor of the New York Stock
Exchange are juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione, a retired
Merrill Lynch financial analyst.
"Those guys are animals. Once I was about to buy 5,000
shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7, 320-pound
broker just slammed me to the floor to block my deal,"
"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000 shares of
MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's goon
-- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed,
'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine
Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being heard from
Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped politicians
and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes because
they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece suits.
Violent filibusters and legislative "smackdowns"
are all the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers
are returning from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional
watchdogs say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers
are turning to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative
"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring 12 pieces
of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to 147 bills
in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from diet and
exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist. "God
help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."