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Bin Laden claims responsibility for
'Curse of the Bambino'

By John Breneman

Osama bin Laden today claimed responsibility for baseball's infamous "Curse of the Bambino." Appearing on videotape sporting a New York Yankees cap and swinging a Louisville Slugger instead of the Kalashnikov rifle he customarily wields in photographs, bin Laden demonstrated how he triggered the curse in the 11th inning of Game Seven on October 16, 2003, by jabbing a Babe Ruth voodoo doll with a long splinter from the bat of Ted Williams. CIA sources believe the chubby-faced Ruth effigy contained strands of DNA from Bill Buckner and Bucky Dent.

Forensic video analysts confirmed the tape's authenticity, noting that Aaron Boone of New York can be observed hitting a game-winning home run seconds later on a grainy black-and-white Zenith television set with a mangled coat-hanger for an antenna. The al Qaeda boss also showcased his technological capabilities with an instant replay of the jagged splinter violating the ersatz Bambino in mega slow-motion.

Though no fatalities were reported following bin Laden's diabolical Game Seven assault, thousands of people throughout the northeastern United States suffered severe emotional trauma and injuries ranging from wrenched gut to involuntary vocal spasms of dark, bitter profanity. Nine Boston-area men reported facial lacerations caused by flying shards of TV screen.

Critics charge that the first known instance of "baseball terrorism" could have been avoided had the intelligence community not missed vital clues, such as the foiled Indonesian plot involving mustard gas-tainted Fenway Franks and numerous references in early bin Laden speeches to a mysterious "Sultan of Swat."

The CIA has since intercepted electronic communication in which bin Laden praises Ruth for "bashing his enemies to death with a heavy club" and speaks fervently of the legendary slugger's "called shot" against Charlie Root to doom the Chicago Cubs in Game Three of the 1932 World Series.

Experts in Islamic abstinence suggest bin Laden may also have envied Ruth's reputation as a hard-drinking ladies man with an insatiable lust for booze, buffets and busty showgirls.

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner could not be reached for comment.


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Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall Street

By John Breneman

Recent reports of a steroid epidemic in Major League Baseball have spurred shocking allegations about widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs among stock brokers, politicians and TV news reporters.

"Half the brokers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange are juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione, a retired Merrill Lynch financial analyst.

"Those guys are animals. Once I was about to buy 5,000 shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7, 320-pound broker just slammed me to the floor to block my deal," he said.

"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000 shares of MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's goon -- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed, 'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine out!"

Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being heard from Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped politicians and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes because they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece suits.

Violent filibusters and legislative "smackdowns" are all the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers are returning from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional watchdogs say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers are turning to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative performance.

"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring 12 pieces of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to 147 bills in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from diet and exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist. "God help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."


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