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Dukes of Hazzard support Dean

By John Breneman

The fabled "Dukes of Hazzard" endorsed Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean today, responding to Dean's recent comment that he wants to be "the candidate for guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks."

Support from Southern icons Bo and Luke Duke was welcome news for Dean, who sparked a controversy with his casual mention of the banner that symbolizes the repression and enslavement of African-Americans.

The former Vermont governor was in full damage control mode today, saying what he really meant was that he wants to be "the candidate for guys who drink shots of Jack Daniels out of Dixie cups."

The incident forced the Dean camp to address criticism of racial insensitivity. Newly hired spokesman Kunta Kinte III said Dean subsisted on a diet of chitlins and collard greens while putting himself through medical school and is a big fan of the TV sitcom "Whoopi."

The Dukes said the moment they heard Dean might need their help they hopped through the busted-out windows of the General Lee -- their famed 1969 Dodge Charger with a Confederate flag painted on top -- and hit the gas, spitting up dust and getting the needle up to 135 mph on their way to Vermont.

New poll numbers released today show Dean running well ahead of his rivals in pivotal Hazzard County now that the Dukes have pledged to help him "get that greedy Boss Hogg out of the White House."


Incredible Hulk endorses Dean
By John Breneman

Howard Dean reached out to voters throughout New Hampshire today, building on his newfound status as the first major presidential candidate to emit an unnerving squeal on the campaign trail.

A senior adviser said the screech that punctuated Dean's aggressive concession speech in Iowa on Monday night was actually a calculated effort to demonstrate that "George W. Bush isn't the only guy in this race who's a little loco." The spokesman also denied a rumor that Dean was "jacked up on angel dust" for the speech or that Rush Limbaugh had slipped him an OxyContin mickey.

Though it frightened small children and made dogs whimper and cover their ears, Dean's speech won him the support of the bipartisan Primal Scream Foundation, as well as an influential union endorsement from Local #257 of the Brotherhood of Ornery Orators.

The group's president said, "This race is about calling attention to the Bush Administration's mishandling of the war, education reform and the economy. Howard Dean is the only candidate with the political courage to deliver that message by rolling up his sleeves, squinching up his eyes and squealing like a banshee."

With the Jan. 27 New Hampshire primary looming, Dean also received celebrity endorsements today from Macaulay Culkin, Ned Beatty and the Incredible Hulk. But John Kerry has taken a small lead in the polls and today received the coveted endorsement of the Heinz Ketchup company newsletter.

As with any ridiculous politically incorrect blooper, there is plenty of spin.

Republican strategists charge that Dean's "meltdown" is just further evidence that he is possessed by "liberal, tax-and-spend evil spirits."

A source close to Dean countered that the "high-spirited" speech proves the candidate is not just pandering to the temperate, thou-shalt-not-scream-and-shout wing of the Democratic Party."

Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean declined to comment other than to say she had prescribed a mild sedative.


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