That '70s punk quits Punk'd
By John Breneman
Celebrity nimrod Ashton Kutcher claims he is pulling the
plug on his popular practical joke show "Punk'd,"
but no one knows whether to believe this or any statement
uttered by the puckish pretty boy whose talent is dwarfed
by his mammoth ego.
Kutcher first assaulted the public consciousness with his
portrayal of a stupid, narcissistic punk on "That '70s
Show," a role that catapulted him into movie stardom
and led to an Oscar nomination for his performance as a moronic
punk in "Dude, Where's My Hat?"
Eager to parlay his 15 minutes of lame into a career, Kutcher
cleverly landed real-life roles as Demi Moore's boytoy and
P. Diddy's fashionably dressed prank monkey. Then came "Punk'd,"
an MTV twist on the old "Candid Camera" formula.
There is some speculation that the merry prankster, whose
victims have included Justin Timberlake, Beyonce Knowles and
Moammar Qadhafi, may be leaving the show one step ahead of
litigation, though Kutcher has denied rumors that he tricked
bewildered rocker Ozzy Osbourne into flipping over an ATV.
Some critics argue that the show went too far, as when Kutcher
fooled dim pop star Jessica Simpson into thinking she was
related to O.J, or when he convinced actor Tim Robbins he
was being sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to be detained as
an "enemy of the state." He also is credited with
bamboozling Democratic presidential candidates Al Sharpton
and Dennis Kucinich into thinking they have a chance to win
the White House.
Kutcher likes to brag that he is too clever to be "punked"
himself, but someone has apparently fooled him into thinking
that acting like an obnoxious, arrogant jackass is entertaining.
Back to PAGE ONE
Cooper's shock rock on the sidewalk
By John Breneman
star Alice Cooper received a star on the Hollywood Walk of
Fame today and celebrated by biting the head off of a puppy.
Wearing his signature garish black makeup, Cooper delighted
a crowd of onlookers that included fellow rocker Rob Zombie
by slicing his finger in a tiny guillotine and signing autographs
Now 55, Cooper recounted his early days in Hollywood when
he and his bandmates didn't have enough money for their favorite
breakfast of wombat entrails and vulture brains.
"We had to kidnap human infants, torture them and then
return for ransom money just to make ends meet," said
Cooper, chuckling about the inspiration for his 1973 hit,
"Billion Dollar Babies."
The aging rocker recently hit #1 on the geriatric charts
with a remake of his 1971 smash, "I'm Eighteen."
Kneeling on the sidewalk next to his star, Cooper sang a few
lines from the updated version.
"I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart
Took 55 years to get this far
Don't always know what I'm talkin' about
Feels like I'm livin' with a bad case of gout
Cause I'm 55
I get confused every day
55, I just forget what to say..."
At that point a puzzled expression came over his face.
"Welcome to my nightmare," he said a moment later,
appearing to regain his train of thought. For his next project,
Cooper said he has been hard at work stumbling around, slurring
his speech and cursing to see if he can get a TV show like
People magazine names
Top 50 humans
People magazine today unveiled its first-ever
special issue devoted to America's "50 Most Insignificant
People." Topping the list is an California man who no
one even knew existed until People's investigative team discovered
him living in a shack made of popsicle sticks and chewing
gum wrappers in the Mojave Desert.
John P. Doe said he hopes the recognition will
help him achieve his lifelong dream job of pumping gas at
a remote desert outpost.
Others making the prestigious list include Michael
Jordan's hairdresser, former Vice President Dan Quayle and
47 Maytag repairmen.
The special edition was inspired by the success
of the magazine's top-selling annual "50 Most Unusual
Genitalia" issue, this year featuring Michael Jackson,
Woody Allen and Spiderman.
In the coming weeks, People plans several additional
top-50 issues: The "50 Most Intriguing Psychopaths"
list is headed by Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake.
And the much-anticipated "50 Sexiest International
Terrorists" cover features the smoldering West Korean
evil-doer Saddam bin Arafat.