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President says
global warming
good for economy

By John Breneman

WASHINGTON - Responding to growing fears about global warming, President Bush today unveiled a multi-pronged "Inaction Plan" touting the economic benefits of environmental degradation.

A report just released by the administration's Environmental Protection Agency foresees drastic climate changes on the horizon. But this has not fazed the president, whose rise to power was fueled by friends who emit greenhouse gases for breakfast.

Bush said he only needed to read the first couple paragraphs of the EPA report to imagine a "warmer America" where oil crews could defile the Alaska wilderness year-round wearing government-issue Exxon T-shirts.

The Oilman-in-Chief cautioned Americans against cutting back on gasoline consumption or purchasing "wimpy" hybrid automobiles.

"Fossil fuels are what made this country great," said Bush, who has addressed worldwide environmental concerns by rejecting the Kyoto Protocol in favor of his "Smoggy Skies" initiative. "When the icebergs melt, we can just scoop up that water and use it to refill some of the rivers and lakes that are being polluted in the name of progress," said Bush.

The president grinned at suggestions that if global warming goes unchecked, New Hampshire will soon resemble the Sahara Desert, only with moose instead of camels.
Though the so-called "Greenhouse Effect" is not a concern at the White House, political climatologists forecast that highly partisan gusts of hot air will continue to blow hard through the nation's capital.


Bush tough talk
for Mother Nature

By John Breneman

President George W. Bush marked Earth Day 2002 on Monday by declaring a national "War on Environmentalism." Bush warned that the nation's petroleum-based economy is threatened by underground cells of environmentalists who actually oppose drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

"We're gonna smoke 'em out of their L.L. Bean tents and get 'em running," Bush said of environmentalists, adding that their leaders will be taken "dead or alive."

Attempts to sabotage the administration's plan for oil drilling in Alaska will succeed "not over my dead body," said Bush, who vowed that anyone who supports the environmentalists in their misguided "crusade" to disrupt the pipeline of money to his wealthy friends and campaign contributors would be branded a "card-carrying member of al Qaida."

The president said he plans to initiate military strikes against what he termed the "axis of eco-doers" and suggested that a few baby seals might be clubbed to death as part of the "collateral damage."

To demonstrate his steely resolve on the issue, Bush suggested that if Santa Claus gets in the way, U.S. fighter pilots will be under orders to "take him out."


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