good for economy
By John Breneman
WASHINGTON - Responding to growing fears
about global warming, President Bush today unveiled a multi-pronged
"Inaction Plan" touting the economic benefits of
A report just released by the administration's
Environmental Protection Agency foresees drastic climate changes
on the horizon. But this has not fazed the president, whose
rise to power was fueled by friends who emit greenhouse gases
Bush said he only needed to read the first
couple paragraphs of the EPA report to imagine a "warmer
America" where oil crews could defile the Alaska wilderness
year-round wearing government-issue Exxon T-shirts.
The Oilman-in-Chief cautioned Americans
against cutting back on gasoline consumption or purchasing
"wimpy" hybrid automobiles.
"Fossil fuels are what made this
country great," said Bush, who has addressed worldwide
environmental concerns by rejecting the Kyoto Protocol in
favor of his "Smoggy Skies" initiative. "When
the icebergs melt, we can just scoop up that water and use
it to refill some of the rivers and lakes that are being polluted
in the name of progress," said Bush.
The president grinned at suggestions that
if global warming goes unchecked, New Hampshire will soon
resemble the Sahara Desert, only with moose instead of camels.
Though the so-called "Greenhouse Effect" is not
a concern at the White House, political climatologists forecast
that highly partisan gusts of hot air will continue to blow
hard through the nation's capital.
for Mother Nature
By John Breneman
President George W. Bush marked Earth Day 2002 on Monday
by declaring a national "War on Environmentalism."
Bush warned that the nation's petroleum-based economy is threatened
by underground cells of environmentalists who actually oppose
drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
"We're gonna smoke 'em out of their L.L. Bean tents
and get 'em running," Bush said of environmentalists,
adding that their leaders will be taken "dead or alive."
Attempts to sabotage the administration's plan for oil drilling
in Alaska will succeed "not over my dead body,"
said Bush, who vowed that anyone who supports the environmentalists
in their misguided "crusade" to disrupt the pipeline
of money to his wealthy friends and campaign contributors
would be branded a "card-carrying member of al Qaida."
The president said he plans to initiate military strikes
against what he termed the "axis of eco-doers" and
suggested that a few baby seals might be clubbed to death
as part of the "collateral damage."
To demonstrate his steely resolve on the issue, Bush suggested
that if Santa Claus gets in the way, U.S. fighter pilots will
be under orders to "take him out."