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Humor Gazette Archive

Alice Cooper brings shock rock to the sidewalk

By John Breneman

Rock star Alice Cooper received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today and celebrated by biting the head off of a puppy.

Wearing his signature garish black makeup, Cooper delighted a crowd of onlookers that included fellow rocker Rob Zombie by slicing his finger in a tiny guillotine and signing autographs in blood.

Now 55, Cooper recounted his early days in Hollywood when he and his bandmates didn't have enough money for their favorite breakfast of wombat entrails and vulture brains.

"We had to kidnap human infants, torture them and then return for ransom money just to make ends meet," said Cooper, chuckling about the inspiration for his 1973 hit, 'Billion Dollar Babies.'

The aging rocker recently hit #1 on the geriatric charts with a remake of his 1971 smash, "I'm Eighteen." Kneeling on the sidewalk next to his star, Cooper sang a few lines from the updated version.

"I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart

Took 55 years to get this far

Don't always know what I'm talkin' about

Feels like I'm livin' with a bad case of gout

Cause I'm 55

I get confused every day

55, I just forget what to say..."

At that point a puzzled expression came over his face. "Welcome to my nightmare," he said a moment later, appearing to regain his train of thought. For his next project, Cooper said he has been hard at work stumbling around, slurring his speech and cursing to see if he can get a TV show like Ozzy Osbourne.


Exclusive interview: Tinky Winky talks

By John Breneman

Had a long talk with my pal Tinky Winky the other day. Poor little fellow is really depressed, which is unusual for him. His disposition is generally quite gay.

Professionally, things are going well. His children's show, "Teletubbies," has become a smash hit among the influential bib-and-strained-peas demographic, and he's been holding up well under the pressures of fame.

But then along comes the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who -- as you probably have heard -- is accusing Tinky Winky of being a homosexual and contributing to the moral delinquency of impressionable toddlers.

Tinky Winky is extremely media shy and has refused nearly all requests for interviews. He is also very sensitive about his image. I know because he and I worked together on several failed TV pilots a couple years back.
We first became acquainted when I worked as a writer for the pastoral police drama "Tinky & Hutch." But we really bonded on the set of the ill-fated sitcom "Plush Little Prince of Bel Air."

I've always found Tinky Winky to be charming, gentle soul. Sure he's a little confused about his gender identity, but that's quite normal when you're a soft purple doll who carries a bright red purse, or "magic bag." Anyway, to this day he insists that he and Pee Wee Herman are "just good friends."

When the Falwell fiasco hit the news, I knew Tinky would need some moral support. So I called him up, thinking I could introduce him to some of my friends in the Furby community.
Almost as an afterthought, I asked him if he'd consider doing an exclusive on-the-record interview with the Herald. I was elated when he produced a warm falsetto humming sound that I knew to be his way of saying, "Why sure. Anything for you old buddy."

Now it is important to understand that, due to the linguistic limitations of an underdeveloped larynx, Tinky Winky's vocabulary is predominantly baby talk. Therefore he has learned to communicate his more complex thoughts using what he calls "tubby-telepathy."

The interview proved cathartic for Tinky Winky, whose closest friends call T.W., or simply Wink. He wept at times, revealed some of his innermost hopes and fears, and even giggled at the suggestion that he might one day host a pretend tea party with Richard Simmons and Barney Frank.

He also revealed his belief that the Rev. Falwell began spreading the rumors because he harbors a grudge. Tinky Winky claims that, during casting for "Teletubbies," Falwell had auditioned for the coveted role of Dipsy, but was rejected because he was too old and wore glasses.

The Herald also has learned that Falwell is preparing to release a report charging that the inane, but seemingly harmless Teletubbies exert "a profoundly anti-Christian influence" over children because they refuse to recite the Lord's Prayer on their "perverse and morally bankrupt" program.

During our two-hour interview at Caffe Kilim, Tinky Winky sipped hot chocolate as he candidly shared his feelings on the importance of make-believe friends and his rivalry with the purple dinosaur Barney, which he says the media has been blown way out of proportion.

A keen student of current events, Tinky Winky also offered an eight-point plan to ease tensions between Serbs and ethnic Albanians in strife-torn Kosovo.

Regarding the future, he plans to fulfill his three-year contract with "Teletubbies" but hopes to then branch out into television news. He is already pitching network executives a concept for a Sunday morning political show. "The Tinky Report" would eschew feisty partisan dialogue in favor of cute little dances and "substantive, relevant baby talk on the issues of the day."

Tinky Winky confided that he bears no ill will against Falwell because he understands that the reverend is "a troubled little man" who is really just crying out for attention.
He said he forgives Falwell. But looking deep into Tinky Winky's blinking, childlike eyes, I could feel his pain.

Portions of the Humor Gazette's exclusive interview will be broadcast soon on the magic TV screen on Tinky Winky's tummy.


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