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« Education Accomplished! 'Childrens do learn' | Page One | Vote Bob Dole in 2008 »

Exclusive: Sen. Larry Craig's I'm-not-gay agenda

By John Breneman

After pinky-swearing to Matt Lauer that he is sooo not gay, Sen. Larry Craig got right back to congressional business – coming out in favor of stiff penal action for moral degenerates and hammering out anti-bondage legislation with the minority whip.

Craig, busted in June for trying to beef up his staff in an airport bathroom, has been waging a valiant one-man campaign to prove he is not gay.

The Idaho Republican told NBC's Lauer he is not bisexual, hates "gladiator politics" and only uses bathrooms "for bathroom's sake" – never for indulging the whims of his inner Village Person.

Asked why, in a restroom known as a hot spot for soliciting gay sex, he repeated a sequence of signals used by men to solicit gay sex, Craig chuckled that he was just trying to get some toilet paper off his shoe.

Lauer noted that the restroom's shady reputation was no secret on the Internet, but Craig – a member of the Congressional Internet Caucus – said he could not have known that because he has "never used the Internet."

As proof of Craig's vigorous stance against immorality, supporters point to his 1999 remarks calling adulterous President Bill Clinton "a nasty, bad, naughty boy."

The Humor Gazette has obtained an exclusive copy of Craig's itinerary for today:

6:15 am -- Think up new batch of excuses to avoid marital relations with Mrs. C.

6:45 -- Watch favorite Richard Simmons workout video.

7:20 -- Delete e-mail conversations with Rep. Mark Foley, Rev. Ted Haggard and the gang.

7:45 -- Cancel most recent XXXL order from Victoria's Secret.

8:15-9 -- Mandatory "family values" time with the wife.

9:30 -- Meet with interior designer to redecorate bedroom closet.

10:00 -- Bathroom break.

10:15 -- Antiquing with Philip and Tayshawn.

12 noon -- Lunch with Liza Minnelli's ex, David Gest, for tips on convincing people you're not gay.

1:15 pm -- Contact New York Times for price info on full-page "I am not gay" ad.

1:45 -- Cancel VIP Gold membership at Stallions.

2:00 -- Return all those campaign contributions from NAMBLA.

2:15 -- Bathroom break.

2:45 -- Schedule cosmetic surgery to have Romney campaign bus tracks removed from buttocks.

3-3:05 -- Set aside time to work on actual Senate business.

3:15 -- Quietly find private-sector jobs for Senate staffers Dick Johnson and Julius T. Hunk.

3:45 -- Pedicure and bikini wax at Chez Maurice.

4:30 -- Leak compromising Craig-Romney bearhug photographs to the media.

4:45 -- Bathroom break.

5:30 -- Invite media to daily "I am not gay – I have never been gay" press conference.

6:45 -- Watch "Brokeback Mountain" again; work on note to Heath and Jake.

Posted on October 18, 2007 9:43 AM | Permalink

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