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 Your holiday horoscope
Have you got all your shopping done? Cards mailed? Packages
shipped? Menus planned? Tree trimmed? Halls decked?
Celebrating the birth of Jesus is truly a joyous time.
But the buildup to the birthday bash can also bring stress.
What with all the bells and candy canes and tinsel and gingerbread
men and pine needles and nutcrackers and fruitcakes and
ribbons and little drummer boys and frankincense and geese-a-laying
and mangers and reindeer and sugar plums and elves and figgy
pudding and mistletoe and singing chipmunks and consumerism
gone haywire.
Have you got the Christmas spirit yet? I thought I had
it a couple days ago, but turns out it might have been just
a head cold.
So now with the winter solstice nearly upon us, unseen
celestial forces have inspired me to put together a holiday
horoscope to help celebrate the birth of our savior (who
apparently was a Capricorn) during that special time of
year when Jupiter aligns with the North Star in the House
of Kringle.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Consult key family
members before spending 30 percent of your net worth on
"holiday bargains." Good day to fill your spiritual
void with ribbon candy. Tis the season for identity theft.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Temporarily suppressing
your fears about man's inherent capacity for evil helps
make the holidays more joyful. Avoid truthfulness when talking
to young children about Santa Claus. Have another eggnog.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Beware unrealistic promises
made by an obese bearded man wearing red. Paying more than
$99 for a candy cane could prove fiscally unsound. Lift
your spirits by donning some gay apparel.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh could exacerbate an old injury.
Beware Jack Frost nipping at your wallet. Myrrh may be hazardous
to your health.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Wise bargain hunters
may find five golden rings for the price of four. Buying
a Red Ryder BB gun helps ease your emotional pain. Be joyful
and triumphant at dusk.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Opt for a mundane evening
at home over a three-state shopping spree. Good night to
nestle the children all snug in their beds. Keep tinsel
out of the reach of infants.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): If the weather outside
is frightful, sitting by an indoor fire may prove delightful.
However, shouting "Ho, ho, ho!" could spoil an
intimate moment. Don't lose your mittens.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): It's lovely weather for
a sleigh ride together with a loved one. But be sure to
exercise caution when traveling over the river and through
the woods. Too much mulled cider may cause visions of sugar
plums.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Question the motives of anyone
sporting a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. A
quiet evening with a corn-cob pipe could bring revelations.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Making an obscene gesture
in a crowded mall parking lot could lead to an unwanted
gunshot wound. Reassess your holiday preparedness with special
focus on yuletide logistics. Avoid chimneys.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): An unexpected moment of
serenity is dashed by a TV commercial imploring you to buy
a piccolo. Don't let reason cloud your judgment on matters
involving elves. Stock up on frankincense
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't let a loved one's
hints about "the perfect gift" distract you from
getting him or her a Walmart certificate. Limit contact
with acquaintances who say they will be there "with
bells on." Be good for goodness sake.
By John Breneman
(Twitter: @MrBreneman)
I write a Sunday
column at the Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald.
Read more
horoscopes here
Posted on December 19, 2012 10:05 AM
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