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« Independence Day: What would Founding Fathers say? | Page One | Welcome to the Humor Gazette »

Questions about firearms? Ask Professor Gunn

Editor's note: This column (published Sunday in the Portsmouth, N.H., Herald and online) has provoked strong negative reaction, much of it from readers calling me a "racist," "moron" and "asshole." (Also, my favorite, "an angry, unhappy little man" with obvious "daddy problems")

Due to some recent confusion about when it is OK to shoot someone, today we check in with noted firearms advice columnist Professor Gunn, who generously agreed to answer a few questions from readers.

Dear Professor Gunn,

For a good while now I've been itching to shoot a fellow human being, but I'm a little worried that our judicial system might send me to jail. What should I do?

— George Z., Main Street

Dear George,

Fortunately, the law is on your side. Especially if the person you shoot has dark skin or is wearing a spooky-looking hooded sweatshirt. So go ahead and blast away. Doesn't even matter if your victim is unarmed — the key is to make sure you say the person scared you. If your victim is carrying, say, a bag of Skittles candy, you can say you thought there was a rattlesnake. Stuff like that.

Remember, nowadays, it's more important than ever to stand your ground when you're chasing down your prey.

Dear Professor Gunn,

I'm kind of a ticking time bomb. I've got more guns than I know what to do with. I'm super anti-social, and I often feel confused and depressed. Plus, I keep hearing about these party poopers who want to limit the number of bullets I can fire without reloading my so-called assault rifles. That sure would stink for a guy like me. Thank goodness the NRA has got my back. How come they get such a bad rap in the media?

— A.K.

Dear A.K.,

Don't despair. If there's one thing you can count on in this crazy, mixed-up, bullet-riddled country, it is that the NRA will always have your back.

You see, the gun-hating liberal media will never understand the crucial role firearms have always played in American culture — from John Wilkes Booth and Clyde Barrow to Adam Lanza and Bruce Willis.

That's why you'll never see any positive coverage about how much the firearms industry fires up the economy — not just the billions in sales of guns, ammo and cute .22-caliber Crickett rifles for the kids, but also spinoff sales of caskets, flowers and funeral catering.

Dear Professor Gunn,

Like every patriotic American, I support the right of each citizen to own an arsenal stocked with hunting rifles, pistols, muskets, Glocks, submachine guns, sawed-off shotguns, those new plastic guns that can pass through a metal detector, bazookas, whatever. But sometimes all these mass shootings in schoolhouses, movie theaters, yoga classes, etc., get a little depressing.

Isn't there anything we can do to strike a better balance between our God-given right to arm ourselves to the teeth and our obviously less-important right to strive for a society that is not riddled by constant death and violence?

— Fred Q., Stratham

Dear Fred,

Nope. These killings, though sad to some, actually make us all safer. You see, every time a bunch of unarmed losers are gunned down, people get more scared — that means more guns are sold and that makes us all safer.

What's really scary is that the gun haters always use these so-called tragedies to try to take away our rights. Fortunately, after the most recent schoolhouse massacre, the American public's overwhelming wish for expanded background checks on gun purchases was easily snuffed out by our elected leaders in Washington. All those campaign contributions from the NRA definitely did the trick. Thank goodness, because America's gun makers care first and foremost about safety!

Dear Professor Gunn,

Our nation's troubling obsession with firearms and inability to enact even modest, common-sense measures aimed at staunching the bloodshed make me question both our morality and our sanity. Even though you and I will obviously disagree, can you sort of see where I'm coming from?

— Jack M., Dover

Dear Jack,

Look moron, if you don't like America you're free to move to one of those wimpy "civilized" countries where gun-related killings are comparatively rare like England or Japan or Australia or France or Spain or Canada or Norway or Zambia.

P.S. — Don't let the bullets hit your backside on the way out the door, you gun-hating baby.

Dear Professor Gunn,

Seems like for more than two centuries, America did just fine with laws that allowed someone to kill an assailant if their life was in danger — you know, in self-defense.

Yet somehow, a couple of years ago states across the nation, including New Hampshire in 2011, began adopting these extreme, right-wing "Stand Your Ground" laws that greatly expand everybody's "license to kill."

This is great news for the gun makers, but I'd say not so great for human beings.

A recent repeal effort failed in the N.H. Senate, making me think we should pressure our legislators to dump this shady law that makes it way easier for people to get away with murder.

Because right now, if you call some guy a name at the Thirsty Moose or down at Prescott Park and he comes at you maybe looking like he's gonna throw a punch, you're allowed to shoot him because you felt threatened, right?

— Concerned citizen

Dear Clueless Chump,

You got it, punk. What part of "unrestrained use of guns makes us all safer" don't you understand? But for the system to work, you gotta be able to use the guns to waste anybody you perceive as a threat. Come to think of it, I'm starting to perceive you as a threat, so I suggest you pipe down.

Jeez, and you're from New Hampshire for crying out loud. Live Free or Die, man.

Writer's note: I believe in the Second Amendment right of Americans to own firearms for hunting and sporting purposes, and of course for self-defense.

I also believe things have gotten a little out of control. To me, it seems unfortunate that it is legal for an armed man to track an unarmed man (or teenager) and then, when the confrontation he initiated turns against him, to kill the man (or teenager) he was pursuing without any legal consequences.

Posted on July 30, 2013 9:21 AM | Permalink

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