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June 30, 2009
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon
of 'Off the Wall' entertainers
 Good
evening and welcome to Day 6 of our round-the-clock salute
to legendary pop star Michael Jackson.
I'm Humor Gazette news anchorman Reid Page … and this
is the 13 O'Clock News. (CLICK
to see VIDEO)
Since his death on Thursday at age 50, the media's nonstop,
over-the-top King of Pop coverage has been absolutely sensational.
But critics claim it is overshadowing such vital news stories
as the unrest in Iran, which has taken a violent turn as pro-Jackson
demonstrators clash with repressive anti-Jacko extremists.
Certain tabloids have aired rank speculation about whether
"Wacko Jacko OD'd on cracko," but we here at 13
O'Clock News have taken a more respectful tone in our coverage
of the only American entertainer ever to walk on the moon.
Idolized around the globe -- he is revered as Michael Jacko-san
in Japan and feared as El Jacko in parts of Venezuela -- few
could argue that his legacy places him in the Peter Pantheon
of beloved, yet deeply troubled artists.
And while we would be remiss not to acknowledge his unparalleled,
self-provoked contributions to the world of tasteless humor,
let the record show that Mr. Jackson -- honored at the White
House in 1984 by President Ronald Reagan for his work with
the Elephant Man -- is credited with pioneering breakthroughs
in the fields of plastic surgery, baby dangling and zombie
choreography.
His 1970 hit "ABC" is credited with teaching millions
of young children to learn the first three letters of the
alphabet.
The notoriously reclusive Mr. Jackson died just as he was
set to launch a London comeback tour with 50 sold-out shows.
Details were scarce, but CNN -- in a live broadcast from
its Neverland bureau -- reported that in addition to several
numbers featuring giraffes and albino backup dancers, Mr.
Jackson planned to take the stage with Jesse Jackson, former
"Charlie's Angel" Kate Jackson and singer Jackson
Browne in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian democracy
… with a portion of the proceeds benefiting the Shoeless
Joe Jackson Foundation.
Mr. Jackson endured a difficult and traumatic perpetual childhood
-- from vicious beatings at the hands of his father and years
of ridicule from media "haters," to being set on
fire by Pepsi in 1984.
 His
valiant attempts to live a so-called normal life included
marrying the daughter of Elvis Presley and palling around
with chimpanzees, parasitic enablers and Liza Minelli.
He is survived by three children -- Gloved One Jr., Prince
Albert-In-A-Can and Electric Blanket Jackson.
Creepy eccentricities aside, this singular pop singer-slash-icon
will be remembered as a sensitive and compassionate being
who donated millions to charity, and as an outspoken advocate
for peace and racial harmony.
On a personal note: Ever since this reporter, as a child
himself, saw a young
Michael Jackson perform on TV, he has appreciated
-- and felt first-hand -- this gifted, tragically flawed artist's
electrifying ability to use music to touch the human soul.
With enduring respect for Michael Joseph Jackson, I'm 13
O'Clock News anchorman Reid Page.
10:29 AM | Permalink
June 24, 2009
Health-care reform rhetoric
hazardous to your health?
By
John Breneman
As the debate over health-care reform becomes more feverish,
polls show a majority of Americans are getting a migraine from
listening to politicians who are more concerned with the well-being
of greedy health-care corporations the health of the American
people.
"13 O'Clock News" chief medical correspondent,
Dr. Bill Payne, reports that other side effects of prolonged
exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:
(YouTube
VIDEO of this report)
Tourette's syndrome, exploding jugular vein, electile dysfunction,
restless middle-finger syndrome, paranoid trillionosis and
post-traumatic soiled-pants syndrome.
Ruptured spleen, projectile vomitosis, degenerative pharmaceutical-industrial
complex, enlarged premium syndrome, recurrent claim denial
and early-afternoon alcoholism.
Also:
Curvature of the liver, gastrointestinal wretching, mental
calcification, metaphysical disorientation, ideological leprosy,
cerebral hemorrhoids and cognitive primordial dwarfism.
Clinical depression, douple-dip recession, triple dementia,
testicular hallucinations, intellectual bulimia, lyme disease,
BlackBerry dereangment syndrome and chronic diaper tension.
 Other
side effects:
Cold sweats, hot flashes, inflammation of the wallet, varicose
brain, greased palm, clubfoot, hammer toe, housemaid's knee,
rainbow gout, rickets, rabies and shingles.
Heartworms, facial ticks, intestinal locusts, cardiovascular
fleas, pancreatic scorpions, black lung, chopped liver, chronic
bubonic plague, soul weevils and unmitigated gallstones.
Other risks may include:
Whooping cough, congressional meningitis, moral obesity, SpongeBob
SquarePants disorder, Irritable Pundit Syndrome, male-pattern
hypocrisy and spastic Rush Lymphoma grandiosis.
Philosophic thrombosis, ethical psoriasis, fudge sickle-cell
anemia, hepatitis ABCDEF&G, temporary insanity, malignant
media brainwashing and esophageal bloviation.
Finally:
The surgeon general has warned that additional side effects
of prolonged exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:
 Delusions
of bipartisanism, idiopathic rhetorical sclerosis, misdiagnosed
socialism, bleeding heart, severe right-brain elephantiasis
and degenerative political malfeasance.
In other medical news:
Study:
Myrrh may be hazardous to your health
-- Dec. 12, 2006
Brain
usage: 10% and dropping
Everything
may be hazardous to your health
8:20 AM | Permalink
June 17, 2009
Tweety Bird sues Twitter for $500M
 By
John Breneman
Twitter, the phenomenally popular social networking service,
faces a massive lawsuit that threatens to cripple its ability
to transmit millions of inane messages known as "tweets."
13 O'Clock News has learned that beloved cartoon icon Tweety
Bird is suing Twitter for $500 million. (See
VIDEO.)
Attorneys for diminutive yellow bird charge that Twitter,
whose logo is a diminutive blue bird, is guilty of "toppy-white
infwinz-ment" and theft of "inta-wectual pwa-puddy."
The suit also requests unspecified damages for "pain
and tuffawing."
A spokesman for Mr. Bird demanded that Twitter cease and
desist from using the term "tweet" in its business
practices - claiming that it is confusing consumers and negatively
impacting the Tweety Bird product line of pajamas, lunchboxes,
fridge magnets, bobbleheads and speech impediment DVDs.
However, technology analysts say Mr. Bird may simply be hoping
to cash in on the meteoric micro-blogging service before it
is displaced by the next cyberspace flash-in-the-pan.
Studies show that many users quit Twittering after the first
15-30 minutes, and that Twitter is already losing ground to
such newly emerging rivals as Fritter, DillyDally, TimeSuck
and LollyGag.com.
And while supporters point to its vital role spreading real-time
information about the unrest in Iran, critics say the service
is used primarily by time-wasting tech nerds to share news
of their latest bowel movement, and by pompous celebrities
to validate their gargantuan egos.
Other new services vying to become the next big thing include:
WhySpace, Babble, iChatter and Spammy.
Also: Yammer, BrainFreeze, SlackBerry and AssBook.
In other legal news:
Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton
9:51 AM | Permalink
June 15, 2009
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