Humor Gazette: Sharp satire on politics, pop culture, media, sex & technology

Hi, welcome to the Humor Gazette. I'm John Breneman, lifelong journalist and humorist -- four-time winner of the coveted Photoshop Yourself Onto a Wheaties Box Award.

I've posted hundreds of humor items here since my friend Jeff helped me launch the site in 2003. Recently, I've been snooping through my archive of newspaper stories, and have decided to post some of my favorites.

I was not scheduled to be in the newsroom on Sept. 11, 2001, but when I got there I was asked to write this essay to lead the next day’s front page.

I was honored to meet Miss Ruth Jones, a proud descendant of the legendary abolitionist Frederick Douglass, at her home in Cambridge, Mass., on her 100th birthday.

One of the highlights of my five years editing the Cambridge (Mass.) Chronicle was our 150th anniversary edition of the Chronicle (honored as the year’s Best Special Section by NEPA). I welcomed readers to the magazine with these words.

Bill Walsh was an extremely controversial Cambridge city councilor who disappeared after being indicted on bank fraud charges. I got him on the phone just before deadline for this interview.

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer day.

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite, making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and puree for 45 minutes.

Editor's note: My friend Billy Buck Teefus -- American redneck savant -- is passionate about Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream ice cream. Read his testimonial below or WATCH THE VIDEO.

Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant – singin' the praises of the most patriotic product ya hard-earned money can buy – Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream ice cream.

Nation – either you's with Stephen Colbert and his America-made, freedom-lovin' ice cream er you's with the terrorists.

That's right. A patriotic American who ain't eatin' Stephen Colbert's ice cream? … why, that'd be like a presidential candidate walkin' around without a little American flag pin on his lapel.

What kinda latte-drinkin', socialized-medicine wantin', unnecessary war-hatin' sumbitch would refuse to buy a product that has red and white United States flag stripes right on the box? Bunch of anti-AmeriCone terrorist sympathizers, that's who.

This is Billy Buck Teefus here to tell ya to hustle on out to the corner store and git yerself a tub of Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream.

Why, every bite is chockful of chocolate fudge, gooey caramel 'n' sweet truthiness.

Oprah has broadcast her final show, launched her OWN network and announced plans to star opposite George Clooney and Danny DeVito in "O, Sister Where Art Thou?"

What could possibly be next for the beloved Queen of the United States of Omerica?

The Humor Gazette has learned that Winfrey will stage a multibillion-dollar Broadway blockbuster titled "Phantom of the Oprah" -- an epic production featuring the music of Prince, Queen Latifah and Kings of Leon, and starring Rachael Ray as young Oprah, Dr. Phil as Rod Blagojevich and Tom Cruise as Spider-Man.

One of the slimiest politicians in U.S. history announced a presidential bid today, prompting involuntary gag reflexes throughout the human and animal communities.

Newt Gingrich, noted right-wing amphibian, wriggled into the race for the Reptilian nomination, vowing to return America to a time when hypocrisy reigned supreme -- a time when a soulless douche could get famous by trying to run the president out of Washington for fooling around with an intern while he himself was also cheating on his wife.

Critics say Gingrich's re-emergence signals the need for America to have an "adultery conversation" -- specifically about the four-legged contender's utter lack of morals.

Political analysts say Gingrich distinguishes itself from the rest of the GOP presidential field with its ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, intestines, and upper and lower jaws.

Supporters say Newt can also secrete enough tetrodotoxin to kill a 180-pound liberal.

Voters are urged to avoid allowing Gingrich to come into contact with mucous membranes. In the event of accidental contact, vigorous hand-washing techniques should be employed.

The Transportation Security Administration today announced new airline security restrictions to ensure heightened vigilance following the death of Osama bin Laden.

Passengers on commercial flights will no longer be able to carry on the following liquids: Nitroglycerin, chicken soup, shampoo bombs, goat milk, barrels of crude oil and vintage Chateau Lafite Rothschild.

Additional banned liquids include: Clorox, bouillabaise, monkey tears, holy water and Aunt Jemima maple syrup. Also: absinthe, Chinese black vinegar, 30-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Paul Newman's Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing.

Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Assault rifles (toy and actual), Pez dispensers, rotary phones, charcoal briquettes, Ninja death stars and most hand grenades. Other banned items: Frozen caribou steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, acetylene torches and kilos of cocaine.

Also: PVC tubing, night-vision goggles, deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters, moth balls, Preparation W, subversive literature, acorns, unstable uranium and myrrh.

Humor Gazette

10:39 AM | Permalink

May 3, 2011

OBIT: Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54

Osama bin Laden -- long considered the world's biggest (expletive) -- died suddenly today.

He was 54.

The world's second-biggest (expletive), Donald Trump, said he was honored to assume the title, as the Internet exploded with reports of Trump demanding to see bin Laden's death certificate.

U.S. forces raided bin Laden's swanky Pakistan hideout, where the cowardly terror kingpin was identified by facial recognition -- immediately followed by facial receiving of American bullets, bitch.

His identity was confirmed by fingerprints, DNA and the "Martyrs Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.

Also killed in the U.S. offensive, bin Laden's turban stylist, his longtime manicurist and his beloved hamster, Mr. Nibbles.

Born in into a wealthy family in Saudi Arabia, bin Laden is remembered as an academic prodigy at the elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor, "By the time Osama reached sixth grade he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level."

A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists Local 666, bin Laden rose to prominence as host of the popular Saudi game show "Who Wants to Murder an Infidel."

Long criticized for perverting the peaceful Muslim religion, bin Laden reportedly spent two hours a day praying for a bowel movement and another three hours playing Sudoku. In his spare time he enjoyed needlepoint, watching "Jersey Shore" reruns and picking dung beetles out of his mangy beard

Widely credited with brainwashing even more gullible morons than Glenn Beck, he also enjoyed plotting the destruction of humanity and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow. Other hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy, homemade videotapes and spending "quiet time" with his donkeys.

Friends say he will be remembered as a role model for dimwitted young psychopaths.

"He never met a non-Muslim he didn't hate," said Ayman "Al" Zawahiri, a colleague and possible successor. "And he never let respect for human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology."

Experts say bin Laden's loss will be strongly felt in Islamist terror circles, as the Internet crackles with chatter about who'll take his place as catcher on the al-Qaeda softball team.

Services will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Bin Laden's name to the Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.

Related stories:
GOP strategy is win-win ... for bin Laden -- Dec. 22, 2010

Bush flip-flops on Osama ("not that concerned about him") -- Oct. 14, 2004

Al-Qaeda snatches Paris Hilton -- June 12, 2006

Bin Laden straw-hat disguise not fooling CIA -- April 6, 2005

Bin Laden linked to Satan's pig-monkey

After the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like 'Bush suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction' would be a victory for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times, the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like 'Al Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.' Below are some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead -- June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio -- Jan. 20, 2006	Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '05 -- Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi's approval rating falls -- Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons -- July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks -- July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick -- June 6, 2005	Mother's Day card yields clues on bin Laden -- May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote -- March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag -- March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman -- Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image -- Dec. 10, 2001

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