BILLY BUCK TEEFUS: Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here –
American redneck savant. Well. Obama, he seems like a nice,
level-headed young feller. But I heard on Fox News that he
was a: communist, facist, racist, elitist, egotist ...
Czarist, Muslim extremist, radical Islamist, militant leftist,
socialist, anti-socialist, anarchist, limp wrist, Leninist,
Stalinist, Marxist, Maoist, Hitlerist, Idi Amin-ist, Darwinist,
Confucianist, jack-bootist, pro-abortionist, brown supremacist,
teleprompter ventriloquist. Plus, he pals around with terrorists.
And them folks at Fox wouldn’t steer us wrong, would
they?
Two little girls discuss Tea Party politics while having a lovely tea party.
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this video are
actual statements from actual right-wing influence-makers,
and actual images widely on display at actual Tea Party events.
OBVIOUSLY these views are not shared by ALL Tea Party people.
I salute the citizen activism of all well-intentioned Tea
Party people who reject these views, and hope they agree that
such views have no place in American political discourse.
Punxsutawney Phil, the Pennsylvania groundhog credited with
being able to forecast the coming of spring, popped out of
his burrow yesterday and predicted six more weeks of government
gridlock.
The groundhog also predicted the emergence of a groundhog-led
political party, followed by six decades of peace and prosperity
under iron-fisted groundhog rule.
The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet then bit one of its top-hatted
handlers and scampered back into its heavily fortified underground
bunker -- a move said to portend six more weeks of economic
gloom.
Additional predictions by Punxsutawney Phil include:
-- A shocking 35-31 Groundhog victory in Super Bowl XLIV.
-- Six more years of the little guy getting screwed by Washington
and Wall Street fat cats.
Disgraced former presidential candidate John Edwards, who
previously claimed that DNA testing would clear his sperm
of any wrongdoing, today admitted that he is the father of
a love child.
The
news sparked rampant speculatation about whether former President
George H.W. Bush would finally admit paternity of White House
ne'er-do-well George W. Bush.
Sources say that after years of finger-pointing based on
their nearly identical names and strong physical resemblance,
the elder Bush may finally step forward to confirm what many
have long suspected -- he is the father of one of the nation's
all-time worst presidents.
A report in this month's Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals
that myrrh -- once a popular Christmas and birthday gift --
can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets
to bubonic plague.
Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very
few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.
However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the
substance -- a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of
trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia -- causes a range of malignant
conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents
began to exhibit a messianic complex.
Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful
anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.
"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as
a baby and we all know how things turned out for him,"
said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author
of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."
Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their
perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.
But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart
in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today's most popular
scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago,"
said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new
fragrance by rapper 50 Cent -- 50 Scent.
Compounding
the potential danger, the FDA is warning that at least one
death has been traced to a batch of tainted myrrh from China.
The black-market Chinese myrrh is said to contain additives
ranging from arsenic and asbestos to coal and reindeer feces.
In other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal
meth." The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or
snorted, the Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting
a dramatic upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense
labs throughout the rural South and Midwest.
Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here -- American redneck savant.
Here to tell you that - if you like pitbulls and hockey moms
and "real Americans" -- why, you ain't gonna find
a better book than this here new best-seller from Miss Sarah
Palin -- "Goin' Vogue."
Them that can read tells me it's getting poor reviews from
the godless elite liberal media.
But I like Sarah Palin, cause she knows how to pander to
lowest common denominator types like me. Plus, we both believe
in the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun.
So go on out and get yerself a copy of "Goin' Vogue"
-- why, it's chock full of homespun, common-sense misinformation
about how to field dress Katie Couric and how to fight off
one of President Obama's death panels.
This
just in from sister publication Jacko
Digest:
Jacko
Digest reports: Stone-dead Michael Jackson killed
at the American Music Awards, winning four pointy plastic
phallic symbols for the mantle at his multimillion-dollar
hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.
As media e-jacko-lation ensues, the nation's leading jacko-logists
estimate $1.2 trillion in jacko-nomic impact.
Pretty young thing Taylor Swift, who beat Dead Jacko for
Artist of the Year, said: "To even be mentioned in a
category with Michael Jackson, who we will miss and love forever,
is both an unimaginable honor and a little creepy." Kanye
West could not be reached for a pompous self-aggrandizing
comment.
In other highlights Lady Gaga performed at a flaming piano,
"in honor of that time Michael's hair caught on fire."
Oprah
quits Oprah to start Oprah network, star in 'Phantom of the
Oprah'
This just in: Oprah has made it O-fficial. In a major O-nnouncement
that sent shockwaves from Chicago to Tokyo.
Winfrey is qutting Oprah to star opposite George Clooney
and Danny DeVito in "O, Sister Where Art Thou?"
and make her Broadway debut in "Phantom of the Oprah."
Responding to criticism from Sarah Palin that her depiction
on the cover of National Geographic was "sexist
and oh-so-Newsweek," editors at the magazine
defended the use of a provocative image paired with the headline,
"GOP Cougar Unleashed!"
"Our interest in Sarah Palin is strictly anthropological,"
said editor Jack Wildebeest. "Plus we wanted to sell
a couple million magazines."
Palin claimed the magazine played "gotcha" by tricking
her into admitting that she doesn't believe in evolution.
According to the article: "Palinus Politicus (species:
anti-homo sapiens) is a fierce, cold-blooded carnivore often
mocked in the political jungle for stalking as prey the swifter,
nimbler, more intelligent Kenyan Obama."
Palin,
riding a wave of publicity with the release of her best-selling
autobiography "Going Vogue" and a controversial
Newsweek cover, also complained about sexist cover treatment
in the Christian Science Monitor, Ebony and the Reader's Digest
swimsuit edition. She is calling a report in Vanity Fair
"unbalanced."
Sarah 'Going Vogue' in maverick memoir
By
John Breneman
Media buzz over the new best-seller by conservative queen
bee Sarah Palin climaxes today as "Going Rogue: An American
Life" finally hits bookstores.
And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from
Humor Gazette Media -- "Going Vogue: A Real American
... Huh?"
With
startling revelations about the former beauty queen (Miss
Communication) turned Joe Six-Pack hockey mom, "Going
Vogue" is already getting rave reviews from the godless
elite liberal media and President
Obama's death panels.
The publication -- described as "a revisionist look
at a revisionist autobiography by America's most fabulous
fabulist" -- reveals that along with creationism, Palin
is a devout believer in creating her own reality.
"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe
in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary
War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and
apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every
fetus to own a gun.
In
the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing
her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the
presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references
to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to
be the conservative movement's Cute Rockne.
Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"?
You betcha.
In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin's call for
the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman,
the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue"
spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker.
(See videos below)
Palin's "family values" shtik is increasing her
family's value by millions -- with her best-selling book, lucrative
reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and a new line of Sassy
Sarah bobble-head political action figures.
And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from
Humor Gazette Media -- "Going Vogue: A Real American
... Huh?"
With
startling revelations about the former beauty queen (Miss
Communication) turned Joe Six-Pack hockey mom, "Going
Vogue" is already getting rave reviews from the godless
elite liberal media and President
Obama's death panels.
The publication -- described as "a revisionist look
at a revisionist autobiography by America's most fabulous
fabulist" -- reveals that along with creationism, Palin
is a devout believer in creating her own reality.
"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe
in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary
War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and
apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every
fetus to own a gun.
In the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing
her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the
presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references
to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to
be the conservative movement's Cute Rockne.
Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"?
You betcha.
In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin's call for
the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman,
the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue"
spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker.
(See videos below)
Palin's "family values" shtik
is increasing her family values by millions -- with her best-selling
book, lucrative reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and
a new line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.
(Today's
episode of Triple-Action News
brought to you by the letters H1N1)
Filming of a popular PBS children's program ground to a halt
today, as dozens of cast members reportedly caught swine flu
when longtime colleague Miss Piggy blew out the candles on
a birthday cake marking the show's 40th anniversary.
The Sesame Street Journal is reporting that Miss Piggy --
the lovelorn, porcine prima donna -- is under quarantine as
a carrier of the deadly H1N1 virus. Kermit the Frog is said
to be praying his longtime friend doesn't "croak."
Meanwhile,
U.S. Rep. Roosevelt Franklin has sponsored legislation mandating
that the H1N1 vaccine be made more widely available to the muppet
community. But he admitted that, for now, his swine flu initiative
is "just a bill, sitting here on Capitol Hill."
Good evening. I’m Triple-Action News anchorman Reid
Page.
Tonight – Swine flu: Friend or foe?
Despite claims that humans cannot get swine flu from pigs,
fears about a possible oink-idemic are sweeping the nation.
And – this just in – a new Internet rumor that
director Steven Spielberg contracted H1N1 from R2D2.
Neither Mr. Spielberg nor Mr. D2 could not be reached for
comment.
Questions about the swine flu outbreak abound, including
how it might impact our nation’s pork-based economy.
Fortunately, the media is rolling up its sleeves to inject
a dose of calm amid the hysteria – reporting that you
CANNOT get swine flu from corndogs, hog jowls or pigs in a
blanket. And there is no need to fear knackwurst or bratwurst,
except in a wurst-case scenario.
Epidemiologists agree that swine flu vaccine offers the best
protection, but say it comes with a risk ... of being trampled
by the mobs trying to get some.
Meanwhile, the CDC says signs of possible exposure to the
virus include rutting, oinking and speaking in Pig Latin.
To help put things in perspective, we go now to our chief
swine flu correspondent, Dr. Napoleon Hamm.
***
DR. NAPOLEON HAMM (played by a pig puppet):
Yaahh! Humans gettin’ swine flu from us pigs. That’s
hogwash, see.
Just the udder day I was down at The Sty shootin’ the
slop with a couple a sows. And one of em tells me Wolf Blitzer
sez Jimmy Dean’s under quarantine. Can’t get the
vaccine.
Agghh! I’m sicka hearin about swine flu.
Swine flu got my bruddah but it’ll never get me, see.
SNEEZES
***
ANCHORMAN REID PAGE (now sporting a pig snout):
There you have it. Human beings cannot get swine flu from
pigs.
However, just to be safe the Dept. of Homeland Security is
cautioning people to avoid unprotected relations with members
of the porcine community and warning all Americans to stay
at least seven degrees away from Kevin Bacon.
Finally, President Obama is urging the American people to
go about their daily affairs with an appropriate level of
media-fueled swine flu paranoia.
Reporting LIVE from our state-of-the-art Triple-Action Newsroom,
I’m anchorman Reid Page.
By
John Breneman
By
John Breneman
The
news sparked rampant speculatation about whether former President
George H.W. Bush would finally admit paternity of White House
ne'er-do-well George W. Bush. 
By
John Breneman
Compounding
the potential danger, the FDA is warning that at least one
death has been traced to a batch of tainted myrrh from China.
The black-market Chinese myrrh is said to contain additives
ranging from arsenic and asbestos to coal and reindeer feces.
By
John Breneman
Palin,
riding a wave of publicity with the release of her best-selling
autobiography "Going Vogue" and a controversial
Newsweek cover, also complained about sexist cover treatment
in the Christian Science Monitor, Ebony and the Reader's Digest
swimsuit edition. She is calling a report in Vanity Fair
"unbalanced." 
By
John Breneman
In
the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing
her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the
presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references
to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to
be the conservative movement's Cute Rockne. 
