A new poll reveals that a vast majority of the nation's bums
will vote for the presidential candidate who promises them
the most change. (WATCH
THE VIDEO)
"I keep hearing this election is about change,"
said Tuberculosis Einstein, a veteran Oklahoma panhandler
occasionally seen outside a 7-Eleven in Arkansas, Virginia,
Massachusetts, Florida, Delaware and North Dakota.
"I need change. Everybody I know needs change,"
added Gimme Two-Bits, a longtime collector of both vintage
and modern coins.
"I been looking for change every day -- for as long
as I can remember," said Dunno Alzheimer, who boasted
that he hadn't changed his clothes in 41 years.
"Them Democrats mentioned 'change' 103 times at a debate
in New Hampshire. That's a good sign," said Gangrene
Willie, an undecided vagabond who slept under a Clinton sign
last night but plans to back Huckabee in South Carolina, then
catch a westbound boxcar to vote Obama in Alabama.
Polls
show many street-level tramps are concerned about health care.
But not Wheezy Marlboro or Bloodclots Washington. They just
want change.
And some bums say they are troubled by the slumping cardboard
housing market. Not Subprime Morty. His #1 issue is change.
Two-Nickels Roosevelt confided that he, too, is passionate
about change.
"I'm serious," he gasped. "Please give me
some goddamn change."
Pundits say the hobo demographic will be vital to the 2008
election -- widespread talk of change will draw record numbers
of bums to the polls, causing presidential candidates to pander
to the panhandlers.
He dreamed he saw his father march arm-in-arm with the Rev.
Martin Luther King.
And he dreams of an America where millions of illegal brown
men will march back to Mexico, even the ones who maintained
his yard and tennis court.
Mitt Romney has a dream that he will be judged not by promises
he made a few years ago about abortion and gay rights, but
by what political ambition causes him to claim he believes
today.
He dreams that Americans will find him so dreamy they won't
even notice that he'll say virtually anything -- anything
at all -- to realize his dream of becoming president.
And he has a dream that he will be judged not for failing
to protest his beloved Mormon religion's racist ban on black
priests, but for his phony claim to have a personal connection
to America's greatest civil rights leader.
Religious Romney has a dream that Christian voters will judge
him not by the fact that his great grandfather Miles Park
Romney had five fives, but by his suggestion that churchgoers
are more worthy Americans because "freedom requires religion."
Terror-fighting Romney has a dream that he will be judged
not by his statement that he'd let the lawyers decide whether
to attack Iran, but by the false strength he sought to project
by boasting that he's itching to "double Guantanamo."
Pro-Iraq Romney has a dream that one day his five strapping
sons will be judged not by the color of the military uniforms
they choose not to wear, but by the content of their character
as loyal Romney '08 foot soldiers.
To realize his dream, Romney's oratorical strategy is to
let fabrications ring.
Let fiction ring ... from the fertile plains of Iowa (where
he spent much of his term as absentee governor of Massachusetts)
to the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire (where the Concord
Monitor published an editorial warning voters that Mitt Romney
is a handsome, charismatic "phony").
Despite having been hunting just two times, when Romney saw
a man with an NRA cap on April 3 in Keene, N.H., he couldn't
help telling him, "I've been a hunter pretty much all
my life."
Let fiction ring.
When asked an embarrassing question by Rudy Giuliani at the
Nov. 28 CNN/YouTube debate -- "You did have illegal immigrants
working at your mansion, didn't you?" -- Romney started
his spin with the blatant untruth, "No, I did not."
Let fiction ring.
Yes, Mitt Romney has a dream. The ultimate politician's dream
-- of saying all the right things to all the right voters,
of getting elected by any means necessary.
Today's feature presentation is "Mohammed
the Teddy Bear," a visionary 33-second production
from an unknown teddy bear at an undisclosed location.
We're just getting started in the movie business and you
can find our flicks at these locations on FunnyOrDie.com
(run by Will Ferrell and friends), Metacafe.com
and, of course, YouTube.
Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf today put opposition
leader Benazir Bluto on double secret probation.
Bluto is accused of inciting pro-democracy food fights and
an anti-Musharraf plot involving 10,000 marbles.
Musharraf, sharply criticized for placing his country under
emergency rule Nov. 3, issued a statement evoking the words
of the infamous American disciplinarian Dean Vernon Wormer:
"There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College/Pakistan
Constitution which gives the Dean/Dictator unlimited power
to preserve order in time of campus/national emergency."
The beloved, hard-drinking Bluto -- a distant cousin of former
Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto -- is now said to be organizing
a massive toga protest.
After pinky-swearing to Matt Lauer that he is sooo not gay,
Sen. Larry Craig got right back to congressional business
– coming out in favor of stiff penal action for moral
degenerates and hammering out anti-bondage legislation with
the minority whip.
Craig, busted in June for trying to beef up his staff in
an airport bathroom, has been waging a valiant one-man campaign
to prove he is not gay.
The Idaho Republican told NBC's Lauer he is not bisexual,
hates "gladiator politics" and only uses bathrooms
"for bathroom's sake" – never for indulging
the whims of his inner Village Person.
Asked why, in a restroom known as a hot spot for soliciting
gay sex, he repeated a sequence of signals used by men to
solicit gay sex, Craig chuckled that he was just trying to
get some toilet paper off his shoe.
Lauer noted that the restroom's shady reputation was no secret
on the Internet, but Craig – a member of the Congressional
Internet Caucus – said he could not have known that because
he has "never used the Internet."
As proof of Craig's vigorous stance against immorality, supporters
point to his 1999 remarks calling adulterous President Bill
Clinton "a nasty, bad, naughty boy."
The Humor Gazette has obtained an exclusive copy of Craig's
itinerary for today:
6:15 am -- Think up new batch of excuses to avoid
marital relations with Mrs. C.
6:45 -- Watch favorite Richard Simmons workout video.
7:20 -- Delete e-mail conversations with Rep. Mark
Foley, Rev. Ted Haggard and the gang.
7:45
-- Cancel most recent XXXL order from Victoria's Secret.
8:15-9 -- Mandatory "family values" time
with the wife.
9:30 -- Meet with interior designer to redecorate
bedroom closet.
10:00 -- Bathroom break.
10:15 -- Antiquing with Philip and Tayshawn.
12 noon -- Lunch with Liza Minnelli's ex, David Gest,
for tips on convincing people you're not gay.
1:15 pm -- Contact New York Times for price info on
full-page "I am not gay" ad.
1:45 -- Cancel VIP Gold membership at Stallions.
2:00 -- Return all those campaign contributions from
NAMBLA.
2:15 -- Bathroom break.
2:45 -- Schedule cosmetic surgery to have Romney campaign
bus tracks removed from buttocks.
3-3:05 -- Set aside time to work on actual Senate
business.
3:15 -- Quietly find private-sector jobs for Senate
staffers Dick Johnson and Julius T. Hunk.
3:45 -- Pedicure and bikini wax at Chez Maurice.
4:30 -- Leak compromising Craig-Romney bearhug photographs
to the media.
4:45 -- Bathroom break.
5:30 -- Invite media to daily "I am not gay –
I have never been gay" press conference.
6:45 -- Watch "Brokeback Mountain" again;
work on note to Heath and Jake.
Billy
Buck Teefus
salutes Stephen Colbert's
AmeriCone Dream ice cream
Editor's note: My friend Billy Buck Teefus -- American
redneck savant -- is passionate about Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone
Dream ice cream. Read his testimonial below or WATCH
THE VIDEO.
Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant
– singin' the praises of the most patriotic product ya
hard-earned money can buy – Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone
Dream ice cream.
Nation – either you's with Stephen Colbert and his America-made,
freedom-lovin' ice cream er you's with the terrorists.
That's
right. A patriotic American who ain't eatin' Stephen Colbert's
ice cream? … why, that'd be like a presidential candidate
walkin' around without a little American flag pin on his lapel.
Or badmouthin' the troops by saying we oughta bring 'em home.
What kinda latte-drinkin', socialized-medicine wantin', unnecessary
war-hatin' sumbitch would refuse to buy a product that has
red and white United States flag stripes right on the box?
Bunch of anti-AmeriCone terrorist sympathizers, that's who.
You know who hates this stuff? Iranian President Mahmoud
Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's
education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens
did not even know that humans
and fish can peacefully coexist.
But as his dad's vice president, Dan
Quayle, learned at a sixth-grade New Jersey spelling
bee in 1992, education can easily become a political hot potatoe.
The Washington pundits misunderestimated Mr. Bush's ability
to get the job done, but in January 2002 he signed into law
his landmark education plan: No Childs Left Behind.
Sure, there were critics. Some say the president has shortchanged
his program by more than $50 billion. But Mr. Bush knows that
childrens need a good education so they can grow up to get
a heckuva job and put
food on their families.
In today's global war on terrorism economy, he reasons, we
must help childrens realize their dreams of becoming soldiers,
oil executives or OB/GYN doctors, free to practice
their love. Childrens, Mr. Bush understands, must
be given the tools they need to compete for those good-paying
jobs on the Internets.
So it was heartening to hear President Bush tell the nation
-- during his speech
last Wednesday urging Congress to reauthorize No Childs Left
Behind -- that, when standards are high and results are measured,
"Childrens
do learn."
Notably, Mr. Bush's vision has also fueled an education initiative
in the extremist Muslim world. In fact, many gifted first-
and second-graders in Iraq and beyond are already hating America
at a ninth-grade level, thanks to a policy called No Junior
Terrorist Left Behind.
Yep. Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant.
I heard that Foxworthy feller on the TV talkin’ ’bout
if this-’n’-that-whatever … you might be a
redneck. And I figure I must be one, cause nine outta 10 of
them sumbitches I sez yes to all of ’em.
Dang right I’s got a rag fer a gas cap? And what’s
wrong with takin’ a load down to the dump and comin’
home with a bigger one?
This here’s America!
Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a redneck?
President of the U-nited States is one, ain’t he?
Least accordin’ to that you-might-be-a-redneck test,
you figure:
If you gits 4,000 American soldiers killed in an unnecessary
war, and then start bragging that we’s “kicking
ass” ... you might be a redneck president.
If you live in the White House, but’d rather spend five
months a year out in Texas clearin’ brush ... you might
be a redneck president.
If yer idea of diplomacy is t’go around rootin’
tootin’ shootin off words like “smoke ’em out,”
“bring ’em on” and “dead or alive”
... you might be a redneck president.
And, sure enough, if yer second in command shoots a huntin’
buddy in the face ...
you might be a redneck president.
Editor's note: Billy Buck Teefus is a fictional
character. His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of
the Boston Herald, the Humor Gazette or the American redneck
community.
By
John Breneman 
Polls
show many street-level tramps are concerned about health care.
But not Wheezy Marlboro or Bloodclots Washington. They just
want change. 
Mitt
has 
"Billy
Buck Teefus' Redneck Christmas Album"
By
John Breneman
By
John Breneman
By
John Breneman
