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May 9, 2012
Romney claims he killed Osama bin Laden
One day after taking credit for the recovering U.S. auto industry despite vociferously opposing the plan that spurred its recovery, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is now claiming he killed Osama bin Laden.
The claim spotlights Romney’s long-held commitment to saying absolutely anything – regardless of the truth – to get himself elected. Observers say it also confirms that Romney believes the American electorate is far too ignorant to stop a lying, pandering phony from becoming president.
Explaining that President Obama deserves little credit for killing the al-Qaeda leader because anyone – “even Jimmy Carter” – would have given the order, Romney said: “In fact, I did give the order. Yeah, that’s it. The Navy SEALs were just marvelous. And, of course, we couldn’t have done it without Ted Nugent.”
9:34 AM | Permalink
February 1, 2012
Welcome
to the Humor Gazette
Hi, welcome to the Humor Gazette. I'm John Breneman, lifelong
journalist and humorist -- four-time winner of the coveted
Photoshop Yourself Onto a Wheaties Box Award.
I've posted hundreds of humor items here since my friend
Jeff helped me launch the site in 2003. Recently, I've been
snooping through my archive of newspaper stories, and have
decided to post some of my favorites.
I was not scheduled to be in the newsroom on Sept.
11, 2001, but when I got there I was asked to write
this
essay to lead the next day’s front page.
I was honored to meet Miss
Ruth Jones, a proud descendant of the legendary
abolitionist Frederick Douglass, at her home in Cambridge,
Mass., on her 100th birthday.
One of the highlights of my five years editing the Cambridge
(Mass.) Chronicle was our 150th
anniversary edition of the Chronicle (honored as
the year’s Best Special Section by NEPA). I welcomed
readers to the magazine with these
words.
I’ve been reporting on New
Hampshire’s famed presidential primary since
1988. Here’s my take on Al
Gore’s visit to Portsmouth during the 2000 campaign.
Bill
Walsh was an extremely controversial Cambridge city
councilor who disappeared after being indicted on bank fraud
charges. I got him on the phone just before deadline for
this
interview.
My community was already reeling from an Air
Force base closure when the news came that Loring
AFB in northernmost Maine would also be shuttered.
So I took off on a 24-hour road trip that produced this
reporting.
Facing re-election, then-Gov. Bill
Weld had this unexpected
encounter with possible challenger Rep. Joe
Kennedy.
Ozzie
Sweet, photographic legend, is one of my favorite
people of all-time.
8:54 AM | Permalink
September 2, 2011
Bald eagle calls out America's politicians
12:12 PM | Permalink
August 18, 2011
9:03 AM | Permalink
August 15, 2011
Summertime
recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie
Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced
tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing
Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer
day.
 INGREDIENTS
1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt
Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash
them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin
to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and
garlic.
Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and
gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather
trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.
Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household
oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican
laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with
Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from
flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.
Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and
construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer
to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame
logs or oxen dung).
Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass
onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid
or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite,
making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.
Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the
gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains
pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized
slabs.
Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and
puree for 45 minutes.
Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of
anchovy and serve.
8:45 AM | Permalink
August 5, 2011
9:45 AM | Permalink
August 1, 2011
 Billy
Buck Teefus
salutes Stephen Colbert's
AmeriCone Dream ice cream
Editor's note: My friend Billy Buck Teefus -- American
redneck savant -- is passionate about Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone
Dream ice cream. Read his testimonial below or WATCH
THE VIDEO.
Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant
– singin' the praises of the most patriotic product ya
hard-earned money can buy – Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone
Dream ice cream.
Nation – either you's with Stephen Colbert and his America-made,
freedom-lovin' ice cream er you's with the terrorists.
 That's
right. A patriotic American who ain't eatin' Stephen Colbert's
ice cream? … why, that'd be like a presidential candidate
walkin' around without a little American flag pin on his lapel.
Or badmouthin' the troops by saying we oughta bring 'em home.
What kinda latte-drinkin', socialized-medicine wantin', unnecessary
war-hatin' sumbitch would refuse to buy a product that has
red and white United States flag stripes right on the box?
Bunch of anti-AmeriCone terrorist sympathizers, that's who.
You know who hates this stuff? Iranian President Mahmoud
Ima-make-sure-ain't-nobody-can-eat-AmeriCone Dream-after-dinner-jad.
This is Billy Buck Teefus here to tell ya to hustle on out
to the corner store and git yerself a tub of Stephen Colbert's
AmeriCone Dream.
Why, every bite is chockful of chocolate fudge, gooey caramel
'n' sweet truthiness.
Billy Buck Teefus
American redneck savant
also appears in:
How
to tell if yer president is a redneck
Redneck
Home Shopping Channel
Teefus
gits Tasered
Billy
Buck Teefus vs. O.J. Simpson
VISIT: www.ColbertNation.com
AND "The
Colbert Report"
4:30 PM | Permalink
July 29, 2011
Newt
announces presidential slither // Paul
Ryan's GOP Medicare coupons!!
Mock
obituary: Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54
8:51 AM | Permalink
June 18, 2011
Extreme Father's Day Makeover!
3:23 PM | Permalink
May 25, 2011
 Oprah to star in 'Phantom of the Oprah'
Well, it's finally O-fficial!
Oprah has broadcast her final show, launched her OWN network and announced plans to star opposite George Clooney and Danny DeVito in "O, Sister Where Art Thou?"
What could possibly be next for the beloved Queen of the United States of Omerica?
The Humor Gazette has learned that Winfrey will stage a multibillion-dollar Broadway blockbuster titled "Phantom of the Oprah" -- an epic production featuring the music of Prince, Queen Latifah and Kings of Leon, and starring Rachael Ray as young Oprah, Dr. Phil as Rod Blagojevich and Tom Cruise as Spider-Man.
11:02 AM | Permalink
May 12, 2011
Ex-House Speaker secretes hat into ring
 One
of the slimiest politicians in U.S. history announced a presidential bid
today, prompting involuntary gag reflexes throughout the human and animal
communities.
Newt Gingrich, noted right-wing amphibian, wriggled into
the race for the Reptilian nomination, vowing to return America to a time
when hypocrisy reigned supreme -- a time when a soulless
douche could get famous by trying to run the president out of
Washington for fooling around with an intern while he himself was also
cheating on his wife.
Critics say Gingrich's re-emergence signals the need for
America to have an "adultery conversation" -- specifically about
the four-legged contender's utter lack of morals.
Political analysts say Gingrich distinguishes itself from
the rest of the GOP presidential field with its ability to regenerate
limbs, eyes, intestines, and upper and lower jaws.
Supporters say Newt can also secrete enough tetrodotoxin
to kill a 180-pound liberal.
Voters are urged to avoid allowing Gingrich to come
into contact with mucous membranes. In the event of accidental contact,
vigorous hand-washing techniques should be employed.
Romney
denies robot allegations // Paul
Ryan's GOP Medicare coupons!!
Mock
obituary: Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54
10:55 PM | Permalink
May 5, 2011
 Gummy
bears banned from commercial flights
The Transportation Security Administration today announced
new airline security restrictions to ensure heightened vigilance following
the death of Osama bin Laden.
Passengers on commercial flights will no longer be able
to carry on the following liquids: Nitroglycerin, chicken soup, shampoo
bombs, goat milk, barrels of crude oil and vintage Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
 Additional
banned liquids include: Clorox, bouillabaise, monkey tears, holy water
and Aunt Jemima maple syrup. Also: absinthe, Chinese black vinegar,
30-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Paul Newman's Islamic Vinaigrette
Dressing.
Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Assault
rifles (toy and actual), Pez
dispensers, rotary phones, charcoal briquettes, Ninja death
stars and most hand grenades. Other banned items: Frozen caribou steaks,
stink bombs, pinking shears, acetylene torches and kilos of cocaine.
Also: PVC tubing, night-vision goggles, deep-sea diving
apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle
and jar cutters, moth balls, Preparation
W, subversive literature, acorns, unstable uranium and myrrh.
See updated TSA safety tips below.
Related stories:
Mock
obituary -- Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54
Consult your HOMELAND
SECURITY HOROSCOPE
|
Before buckling up for takeoff, make
sure to check under your seat for terrorists.
|
Never attempt to light
a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight. |
Only a small minority
of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash
landing."
|
|
Just follow this simple
diagram if you and the others are to have any hope of
survival.
|
Our "Wet 'n' Wild"
ocean-rafting amenity is offered free on select flights.
|
Life vests in first class
are equipped with a tin of Pringles and a wedge of smoked
brie.
|
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Children who refuse
to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply
on the head.
|
Please keep all genitalia
inside your clothing for the duration of the flight. |
If a terrorist should
brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency
door.
|
|
Passengers are encouraged
to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.
|
Customers may enjoy our
complimentary oxygen during the death plunge. |
Once the shark tears off
your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso
afloat.
|
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