« Bicycle commute right in my wheelhouse |
| Local warming comes with a warning: Sun may cause fun »
Happy Birthday to URL: World Wide Web turns
out the e-candles and virtual cake ...; the Internet has
Created either by brilliant scientists
or by God himself, depending on your political beliefs,
the Internet has given us countless spectacular advances
in the way we live and avoid living our lives.
Don't worry about buying a gift. Because, really, what
do you get for the all-pervasive global system of interconnected
computer networks that has, literally, everything?
Back then it was known as the World Wide Web or the Information
I began writing about the Internet back when it was just
a toddler. And I have to admit I was highly skeptical and
a smidge cynical about this new sci-fi reality called Cyberspace.
"Some say Cyberspace is humanity's next great frontier.
Others say it's South Berwick," said me, back in 1998.
Along with some rambling observation that included references
to "the Hubble kaleidoscope," "NASA-trained
rhesus monkeys" and "the Rev. Demetrius Dotcom,"
I postulated that perhaps:
"Cyberspace is not a frontier at all, but a complicated
online conspiracy designed to make technologically challenged
folks feel like the protagonist in the ground-breaking computer
illiteracy study "Why Can't Johnny Access his AOL Web
Browser with Only 4 Mgs of RAM on his Apple LCIII."
I also made several predictions, forecasting (and I remain
confident the announcement will be coming out soon) that
computer industry giant Microsoft would team with sports
industry giant Nike.
Their new mega-company, Nicrosoft, would unveil a new line
of computerized Air Hyperlink basketball shoes featuring
durable coaxial laces connecting a Velcro modem, an advanced
toe-action keyboard, a cushioned odor-reducing hard drive
and, embedded in the sole, a gum-rubber color monitor with
500 pixels per square inch of traction surface.
This has not yet come to pass, but the idea now sounds
just slightly less farfetched than Google Glass the
state-of-the-art eyewear designed to slap a sweet computer
interface onto everybody's outer face.
I also predicted that the people at Doritos would unveil
a new silicon tortilla chip with a then-unprecedented 56
kilobytes of nacho cheese flavor.
The Internet's 20-year milestone seems like an ideal time
to unveil my top six new predictions for 2013:
1. Time Warner Inc. on behalf of Warner Bros. cartoon
icon Tweety Bird will sue Twitter for $500 million.
Attorneys for diminutive yellow bird will charge that Twitter,
whose logo is a diminutive blue bird, is guilty of "toppy-white
infwinz-ment" and theft of "inta-wectual pwa-puddy."
The suit will also request unspecified damages for "pain
Tweety will demand that Twitter cease and desist from using
the term "tweet" in its business practices
citing a negative impact on the Tweety Bird product line
of pajamas, bobbleheads and speech impediment DVDs.
2. Yahoo will announce that it has purchased for
elevendy billion dollars a time-wasting social media
site called either Fritter, DillyDally or TimeSuck.com.
The deal will include a lucrative option to acquire Yammer,
LollyGag and BrainFreeze.
3. In a move certain to "revolutionize" the way
people blow money on intensely hyped gadgets, Gillette will
unveil a state-of-the-art, five-blade razor featuring a
built-in cellphone, wireless hotspot and cool GPS navigation.
Powered by a micro-nuclear core that makes it illegal in
most Axis of Evil countries, the device will enable shavers/users
to watch a full selection of movies, sports and cat videos
on its high-def, 5mm plasma screen.
4. Following in the footsteps of college dropouts (from
Bill Gates to Steve Jobs to Mark Zuckerberg) who start billion-dollar
companies, a brilliant second-grader will drop out of elementary
school to become CEO of a new company after inventing Baby's
First Laptop, a durable, lightweight supercomputer fashioned
out of a Slinky, Barbie hair filaments and an Easy-Bake
Oven using proprietary Silly Putty circuitry to make
it ultra-resistant to saliva, spilled milk and Gerber strained
5. A talented hacker will be imprisoned after developing
a protocol to gain wireless access to any human brain that
is not protected by cerebral anti-virus software.
6. Google, Yahoo and Facebook will NOT take part in a bidding
war to acquire Humor Gazette, a satire Web site a friend
and I launched in 2003.
Back in 1993, the Internet was a mysterious curiosity discussed
using a new gibberish-based language. And I admit it took
me a while to appreciate the linguistic elegance of such
terms as "http://www.haha.reboot.fiddlesticksandpomegranates.html."
My e-mail might as well have been firstname.lastname@example.org.
But now, just two decades later, this young World Wide
Whippersnapper affects virtually every aspect of modern
And you can read all about it in my new 140-character,
New York Times worst-seller: "Dear Internet: We're
All Super-Addicted Now So Please Don't Hurt Us."
* This column appeared in the Sunday, May 26, 2013, Portsmouth
Posted on May 26, 2013 9:14 AM
Previous post: Bicycle commute right in my wheelhouse.
Next post: Local warming comes with a warning: Sun may cause fun.