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« Economic Horror-scope | Page One | E*Trade baby jailed for insider trading »

Summertime recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer day.


1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite, making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of anchovy and serve.

Posted on August 15, 2011 8:45 AM | Permalink

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