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Saddam loses shirt in stock market
By
John Breneman
The New York Stock Exchange is on high alert today, bracing
for a possible retaliatory strike by Saddam Hussein, who is
reported to have suffered crippling financial losses in the
recent wave of corporate scandals.
The formerly wealthy Iraqi leader, an avid amateur day trader
who was heavily invested in Enron, Tyco and WorldCom, is now
nearly bankrupt according to a spokesman who said Hussein
has "lost his shirt" and is blaming "American
capitalist pig devils" for his misfortune.
Intelligence sources confirm that Hussein is "really
pissed off" and may be planning to deploy "weapons
of cash destruction" on Wall Street. Word that Hussein
may have access to a nuclear mustard gas bomb leaked earlier
today, prompting brisk insider trading of both Grey Poupon
and Gas Mask Technologies.
Meanwhile sources in the Department of Labor speculate that
the notorious Iraqi strongman may now be looking for a part-time
job, perhaps as a butcher, a hotel doorman or CEO of a small
oil company. And Iraqi television executives are reportedly
eyeing Hussein for a possible role hosting the nation's top-rated
program, "Anti-American Propaganda Hour."
Several geopolitical economic analysts suggested that Hussein,
who claims former President George H.W. Bush owes him $20,
may soon be forced to panhandle for "regime change."
However, those close to the 65-year-old Iraqi warhead say
he has not become so desperate for cash that he would consider
selling his prize collection of Beanie Babies.
7-19-02
 The
Sissy of Baghdad
By John Breneman
TV talking heads reporting on the capture of Saddam Hussein
have expanded the narrow set of buzzwords they are using to
describe the cowardly, bedraggled, disheveled, disoriented
former Iraqi leader.
"Terms like murderous thug, bloodthirsty tyrant and
genocidal psychopath don't come close to accurately describing
this noxious and repugnant asswipe," said Lloyd Tabb,
vice president of trash talk for Fox News. "Ruthless
dictator? Please. This guy is a sinister, demented, poopshoot-dwelling
cannibal. We're calling him 'Atrocity-Meister' in hopes that
may catch on."
The once-powerful "Butcher of Baghdad" was reduced
to a blubbering fraidy-cat this weekend when U.S. forces found
him in a festering stinkhole having sex with a large rodent
while battling video infidels on his Sunni Playstation.
Televised images showed that Hussein had cleverly disguised
himself as a filthy, maggot-infested hobo to elude capture.
At presstime the Pentagon would not confirm reports that the
sissy fugitive tried to dupe his captors by wearing fake plastic
novelty glasses with bushy eyebrows and a bulbous nose.
The big question now is whether Hussein will reveal his secret
stash of Weapons of Mass Destruction or admit his gay love
affair with Osama bin Laden. The U.S. military is employing
the most aggressive interrogation methods allowed under the
Geneva Convention, including prolonged exposure to psychologically
disturbing video montages of Ashton Kutcher and P. Diddy.
Also looming is the question of how Hussein will be tried
for his crimes against humanity. While many favor a United
Nations tribunal, there is considerable support for trying
him in Iraq, lynching him in Texas, or simply turning him
over to the Cincinnati Police.
In other news, the Hussein death toll grew dramatically with
the news of his capture as dozens of Iraqis were slain by
celebratory gunfire.
12-16-03
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