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Hussein's approval rating plummets

By John Breneman

Still reeling from his humiliating capture, Saddam Hussein got more bad news today when a CNN/Al-Jazeera poll revealed his approval rating has nosedived to its lowest level since he gassed thousands of his countrymen in 1988.

The former Iraqi president's overall approval rating is now hovering at just 3 percent, down from a high of 99.9 percent earlier this year when he could simply kill anyone who disagreed with him.

"This is the final straw for Saddam," said Iraqi pundit Mohammed Zibzab. "His economy is a mess. He let a foreign invader destroy the country's communications, electrical and transportation infrastructure. His foreign relations are a joke and don't get me started on his domestic policy."

In addition, Hussein's pet educational initiative - the "No Junior Terrorist Left Behind" Act - is not brainwashing young suicide bombers nearly as quickly as he had hoped.

Hussein press secretary Abdullah al-Gerbil cautioned that the poll numbers can be misleading and said "sensationalized" TV images of Diane Sawyer checking Saddam's scraggly head for maggots could have skewed the survey.

Al-Gerbil noted that Hussein continues to enjoy broad support among registered Baathists and Fedayeen death squadron members, and that his numbers are holding strong among poll respondents who believe President Bush is evil incarnate.

Now that he is in U.S. custody Hussein is said to be remaining defiant in the face of intense interrogation, sarcastically rebuffing all questions about weapons of mass destruction by demanding a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a prime-time interview with Regis Philbin.


Saddam loses shirt in stock market

Hussein is blaming "American capitalist pig devils" for his misfortune.

Saddam and Osama
adopt shaved-ape baby

By John Breneman

The New York Stock Exchange is on high alert today, bracing for a possible retaliatory strike by Saddam Hussein, who is reported to have suffered crippling financial losses in the recent wave of corporate scandals.

The formerly wealthy Iraqi leader, an avid amateur day trader who was heavily invested in Enron, Tyco and WorldCom, is now nearly bankrupt according to a spokesman who said Hussein has "lost his shirt" and is blaming "American capitalist pig devils" for his misfortune.

Intelligence sources confirm that Hussein is "really pissed off" and may be planning to deploy "weapons of cash destruction" on Wall Street. Word that Hussein may have access to a nuclear mustard gas bomb leaked earlier today, prompting brisk insider trading of both Grey Poupon and Gas Mask Technologies.

Meanwhile sources in the Department of Labor speculate that the notorious Iraqi strongman may now be looking for a part-time job, perhaps as a butcher, a hotel doorman or CEO of a small oil company. And Iraqi television executives are reportedly eyeing Hussein for a possible role hosting the nation's top-rated program, "Anti-American Propaganda Hour."

Several geopolitical economic analysts suggested that Hussein, who claims former President George H.W. Bush owes him $20, may soon be forced to panhandle for "regime change."

However, those close to the 65-year-old Iraqi warhead say he has not become so desperate for cash that he would consider selling his prize collection of Beanie Babies.


The Sissy of Baghdad

By John Breneman

TV talking heads reporting on the capture of Saddam Hussein have expanded the narrow set of buzzwords they are using to describe the cowardly, bedraggled, disheveled, disoriented former Iraqi leader.

"Terms like murderous thug, bloodthirsty tyrant and genocidal psychopath don't come close to accurately describing this noxious and repugnant asswipe," said Lloyd Tabb, vice president of trash talk for Fox News. "Ruthless dictator? Please. This guy is a sinister, demented, poopshoot-dwelling cannibal. We're calling him 'Atrocity-Meister' in hopes that may catch on."

The once-powerful "Butcher of Baghdad" was reduced to a blubbering fraidy-cat this weekend when U.S. forces found him in a festering stinkhole having sex with a large rodent while battling video infidels on his Sunni Playstation.

Televised images showed that Hussein had cleverly disguised himself as a filthy, maggot-infested hobo to elude capture. At presstime the Pentagon would not confirm reports that the sissy fugitive tried to dupe his captors by wearing fake plastic novelty glasses with bushy eyebrows and a bulbous nose.

The big question now is whether Hussein will reveal his secret stash of Weapons of Mass Destruction or admit his gay love affair with Osama bin Laden. The U.S. military is employing the most aggressive interrogation methods allowed under the Geneva Convention, including prolonged exposure to psychologically disturbing video montages of Ashton Kutcher and P. Diddy.

Also looming is the question of how Hussein will be tried for his crimes against humanity. While many favor a United Nations tribunal, there is considerable support for trying him in Iraq, lynching him in Texas, or simply turning him over to the Cincinnati Police.

In other news, the Hussein death toll grew dramatically with the news of his capture as dozens of Iraqis were slain by celebratory gunfire.


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