Gazette earns fake Pulitzer Prize
Humor newspaper honored for investigative
satire, phony scoops
In an audiotape offering a terror truce to European countries
that pull their troops from Muslim nations, Osama bin Laden
also suggested he might also be willing to ease up a little
if he could just get a thick juicy steak and a hot shower.
drops a comic bomb
a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
warming caused by increased activity in Hell
A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan
Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual rise
in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in
the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather
by increased activity in Hell.
Bowl 38D: Thanks for the mammaries
FCC Chairman Michael Powell is calling for a full investigation
into the intelligence lapses which preceded the baring of
Janet Jackson's right breast during Super Bowl halftime festivities
The Bush administration moved to silence another
of its critics today, mounting a smear campaign against the
Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper that poked
fun at the president's ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb.
by Mel Gibson as a Hollywood heavyweight, Jesus is now being
eyed for the title role in dozens of new projects, including
"There's Something About Mary Magdalene," "Guess
Who's Coming to the Last Supper" and the controversial
"Last Tango in Nazareth."
spared death penalty
Now that she's finished taping the pilot of her new TV series
"Martha Stewart Living in the Big House," the infamous
domestic diva is busy filming an episode on jailhouse culinary
tips like 101 recipes for bread and water and how to bake
a decadent Chocolate Hacksaw Layer Cake.
Eggs & Hamlet'
"To eat them on a train, or not to eat
them on a train: that is the question."
Kenneth Branagh's "Green Eggs and Hamlet,"
widely hailed as a rhyme-drenched fusion of Shakespearean
tragedy and Seussian whimsy, is the most ambitious film to
date in the cinematic genre inspired by the late Theodor Geisel.
The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard
on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe
malfunctions" with stiff penal action.
Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial
topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum
fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her
(bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.
has straight plan
for the Constitution, man
Citing an imminent threat to his base of support on the religious
right, President Bush today called for a constitutional amendment
banning millions of people from participating in what he called
"the most fundamental institution of civilization."
"Dicking around with the sanctity of the Constitution
is the only way to nip this thing in the butt," said
shows rise in assholes
The world's population of assholes has risen
for the 35th consecutive year, according to a survey just
released by the United Nations. International demographics
experts attribute this year's increase to a growing number
of assholes in China, the Middle East and the former Soviet
Union, as well as a sharp rise in the number of Third World
is hazardous to your health
a dangerous world we live in. Every day doctors release startling
new reports about stuff that can kill us. Fortunately, we
are also bombarded with news about medical breakthroughs guaranteed
to help us avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of premature
Read this story for health tips like this one: The American
Medical Association recommends limiting the amount of e. coli
in your balanced diet. If your condition persists, try a new
Secretary of State Colin Powell today unveiled a plan to
end violence in the Middle East by creating a Palestinian
state near Pikeville, Kentucky - best known as the home of
the Hatfields and the McCoys.
"We done killed off most of them Hatfields," said
Jethro McCoy III. "Now weez lookin' fer somebody new
to feud with and I heared them Palestinian sumbitches is dang
phony horoscope guide you
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Getting more
money may improve your financial situation. Avoid smashing
into other vehicles when driving today. Keep sulfuric acid
away from children.
A spokesman for Howard Dean denied a rumor that the candidate
was "jacked up on angel dust" for his infamous scream
speech or that Rush Limbaugh had slipped him an OxyContin
Dean's speech also won him the support of the bipartisan
Primal Scream Foundation, as well as an influential union
endorsement from Local #257 of the Brotherhood of Ornery Orators.
shows Bush has malignant fib-nose
leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the
image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the
Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose
may leave the president with as little as eight months to
Had a long talk with my pal Tinky Winky the
other day. Poor little fellow is really depressed, which is
unusual for him. His disposition is generally quite gay.
in California say they suspect accused child molester Michael
Jackson may be planning to elude prosecution by altering his
appearance through cosmetic surgery.
about Stones' age
LONDON -- Archaeologists today unearthed fossilized evidence
that the Rolling Stones, originally thought to have formed
in the mid-20th century, actually were created by geologic
forces during the waning days of the Neolithic Era.
Scientists at the University of South Berwick
announced today they have successfully cloned a multi-cell
organism that bears a striking resemblance to President George
W. Bush. This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
Boy Scout duty?
New allegations have emerged about President
Bush's service in uniform, this time over his record in the
Boy Scouts of America. Under fire about his time in the National
Guard, Bush now faces tough questions about several merit
George W. in space
A White House speechwriter who helped President Bush craft
his vision for rededicating America to space exploration said
today he is ecstatic the president took his advice not to
deliver the address wearing a NASA flightsuit and astronaut