This Day in Revisionist History

Gazette earns fake Pulitzer Prize

Humor newspaper honored for investigative satire, phony scoops

Osama unplugged

In an audiotape offering a terror truce to European countries that pull their troops from Muslim nations, Osama bin Laden also suggested he might also be willing to ease up a little if he could just get a thick juicy steak and a hot shower.

Bush drops a comic bomb

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

Global warming caused by increased activity in Hell

A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Hell.

Super Bowl 38D: Thanks for the mammaries

FCC Chairman Michael Powell is calling for a full investigation into the intelligence lapses which preceded the baring of Janet Jackson's right breast during Super Bowl halftime festivities on Sunday.

Lethal whippin'

Resurrected by Mel Gibson as a Hollywood heavyweight, Jesus is now being eyed for the title role in dozens of new projects, including "There's Something About Mary Magdalene," "Guess Who's Coming to the Last Supper" and the controversial "Last Tango in Nazareth."

Martha spared death penalty

Now that she's finished taping the pilot of her new TV series "Martha Stewart Living in the Big House," the infamous domestic diva is busy filming an episode on jailhouse culinary tips like 101 recipes for bread and water and how to bake a decadent Chocolate Hacksaw Layer Cake.

Congress whacks obscenity

The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe malfunctions" with stiff penal action.

Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her (bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.

Bush has straight plan
for the Constitution, man

Citing an imminent threat to his base of support on the religious right, President Bush today called for a constitutional amendment banning millions of people from participating in what he called "the most fundamental institution of civilization."

"Dicking around with the sanctity of the Constitution is the only way to nip this thing in the butt," said Bush.

Surgeon General: Everything
is hazardous to your health

It's a dangerous world we live in. Every day doctors release startling new reports about stuff that can kill us. Fortunately, we are also bombarded with news about medical breakthroughs guaranteed to help us avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of premature death.

Read this story for health tips like this one: The American Medical Association recommends limiting the amount of e. coli in your balanced diet. If your condition persists, try a new conditioner.

Arafat meets
Hatfields and
the McCoys

Secretary of State Colin Powell today unveiled a plan to end violence in the Middle East by creating a Palestinian state near Pikeville, Kentucky - best known as the home of the Hatfields and the McCoys.

"We done killed off most of them Hatfields," said Jethro McCoy III. "Now weez lookin' fer somebody new to feud with and I heared them Palestinian sumbitches is dang good feuders."

Hulk backs Dean

A spokesman for Howard Dean denied a rumor that the candidate was "jacked up on angel dust" for his infamous scream speech or that Rush Limbaugh had slipped him an OxyContin mickey.

Dean's speech also won him the support of the bipartisan Primal Scream Foundation, as well as an influential union endorsement from Local #257 of the Brotherhood of Ornery Orators.

X-ray shows Bush has malignant fib-nose

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.

Jacko takes Iowa primary

Authorities in California say they suspect accused child molester Michael Jackson may be planning to elude prosecution by altering his appearance through cosmetic surgery.

Fossil yields clues
about Stones' age

LONDON -- Archaeologists today unearthed fossilized evidence that the Rolling Stones, originally thought to have formed in the mid-20th century, actually were created by geologic forces during the waning days of the Neolithic Era.

Did Bush evade
Boy Scout duty?

New allegations have emerged about President Bush's service in uniform, this time over his record in the Boy Scouts of America. Under fire about his time in the National Guard, Bush now faces tough questions about several merit badges.

Curious George W. in space

A White House speechwriter who helped President Bush craft his vision for rededicating America to space exploration said today he is ecstatic the president took his advice not to deliver the address wearing a NASA flightsuit and astronaut helmet.

Grain Expectations

About the Humor Gazette                    Contact the Humor Gazette: