Cracking down on the boob tube
Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission
urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word
and the First Amendment.
By John Breneman
The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard
on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe
malfunctions" with stiff penal action.
Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial
topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum
fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her
(bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.
The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717)
imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and
fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus
H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms,
fudge and fizzuck.
The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word
on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with
soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone
else's -- must film a public service announcement warning
young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.
"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of
Janet Jackson's mammary
gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.),
interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a
New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying
to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.
Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission
(FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word,
the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.
Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and
43 minutes of television each day, during which time they
witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing
morons pretending to deliver "news."
This is OK.
But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh
on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and
potty mouth among viewers under age 15.
Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's
ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome
family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous
Kerry calls Bush team lying 'posse of thugs'
Kerry has refused to apologize for calling the Bush Administration
"the most crooked
lying group I've ever seen."
Kerry did clarify his remarks, however, saying he was not
referring to the president himself, but rather "his posse
of attack-machine thugs and corrupt, economy-pillaging advisers."
Bush campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's conduct
"unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency,"
then added, "Just because the president accidentally
fibbed about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't mean
it's OK to go around calling him a lying sack of Shiite."
President Bush issued a statement saying he would not resort
to name-calling and vowed to remain focused on the most important
issue, "my opponent's record as a flip-flopping, Botox-faced,
French-educated, tax-and-spend Massachusetts liberal."
Privately, Bush polled advisers on whether he could take
military action against the "Democratic madman."
The president reportedly is convinced that Kerry possesses
a stockpile of fancy Dijon mustard gas. But CIA Director George
Tenet warned Bush not to go public with phony documents indicating
that Kerry tried to purchase
uranium "yellow cake" from Niger.
Meanwhile the Bush team released a new campaign ad, this
time compassionately not using the image of a dead firefighter
to help win re-election. The theme is that we live in a terrifying
world filled with terror and terrorists. The message is a
warning: The "war president" who ducked the war
in Vietnam and bungled us into the one in Iraq will protect
us; the actual war hero will get us all blown up.
In another ad, the president is depicted serving apple pie
to schoolchildren while they recite the Pledge of Allegiance
and pray for his re-election. Then, with his female wife by
his side, Bush shares his "vision" for keeping America
safe from regular terrorists, liberal terrorists and gay
terrorists who threaten the sanctity of marriage.
Stewart to be spared death penalty
By John Breneman
Now that she's finished taping the pilot of her new TV series
"Martha Stewart Living in the Big House," the infamous
domestic diva is busy filming an episode on jailhouse culinary
tips like 101 recipes for bread and water and how to bake
a decadent Chocolate Hacksaw Layer Cake.
An upcoming "Arms & Crafts" segment will feature
tips for polishing those tarnished brass knuckles, 101 uses
for a broken razor blade, and the highlight: Stewart showing
how to disable a bull-dyke prison guard with a crude but elegant
diamond-studded shiv. Also: how to turn a frilly pillow case
into a deadly weapon by filling it with soda cans and savagely
whipping it about like Sean Penn in "Bad Boys."
Convicted Friday on one count of fibbing to the feds and
three counts of being an obscenely rich bitch, Stewart, will
likely escape the death penalty, according to most of the
"legal analysts" called upon to dish out zesty TV
She is expected to do time, however, and the consensus is
this will send a message that people have no sympathy for
pretentious one-woman media conglomerates with a mean streak.
Other legal insights gained from the trial: It doesn't pay
to parade into court flaunting a handbag that costs more than
what most jurors earn in a year. And, the government is not
afraid to spend millions to try someone for a $50,000 stock
swindle if the defendant is famous enough to advance the careers
of all those involved.
Though critics have suggested the case against Stewart was
motivated by her celebrity status, prosecutors are deflecting
all such questions, including those involving book or movie
deals, to their agents.
The jury is still out on whether the verdict will harm her
career as a product pitch-woman, but Kmart today introduced
a new Martha Stewart line of stylish but affordable orange
Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall St.
Recent reports of a steroid epidemic in Major
League Baseball have spurred shocking allegations about widespread
use of performance-enhancing drugs among stock brokers, politicians
and TV news reporters.
"Half the brokers on the floor of the New
York Stock Exchange are juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione,
a retired Merrill Lynch financial analyst.
"Those guys are animals. Once I was about
to buy 5,000 shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7,
320-pound broker just slammed me to the floor to block my
deal," he said.
"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000
shares of MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's
goon -- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed,
'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine
Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being
heard from Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped
politicians and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes
because they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece
filibusters and legislative "smackdowns" are all
the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers are returning
from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional watchdogs
say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers are turning
to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative performance.
"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring
12 pieces of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to
147 bills in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from
diet and exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist.
"God help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."
notes: All eyes are on Giants slugger Barry Bonds
this spring as closes in on the all-time record for baseball's
Jason Giambi, chisel-chest first
baseman of the N.Y. Yankees, raised suspicions when he reported
for spring training a scrawny shadow of his former he-man
self. But the shrinkage had nothing to do with quitting steroids
now that the heat is on; Giambi explained that he lost the
weight by laying off those fattening peanut butter and Human
Growth Hormone sandwiches.
Just in case Giambi loses
power, the Yanks signed the Incredible Hulk to come
of the bench and play DH.
And finally, Jose Canseco,
the original poster boy for anabolic goodies, was cut by the
Dodgers because he flat-out stinks.
Col. Qadhafi goes 'ballistic'
Libyan crazy man Moammar Qadhafi has informed the United
Nations that he is "sick and tired of having my name
spelled 10 different ways."
Col. Gadhaffi, whose name is routinely spelled Kadhafi, Gadhdhafi,
Qadhafi, Khaddafi and countless other variations in press
reports, said he believes the spelling fiasco is part of a
western conspiracy to irritate him into "firing off a
bunch of nuclear bombs and maybe a little mustard gas."
Qadhafi, whose first name is also spelled Muammar, Mu'ammar
or Mohammar, is reportedly "going ballistic" over
In a letter addressed to "American President Jorge W.
Boosh," Kadhafi revealed that he is considering changing
his name to make it easier for the international media to
accurately write about him.
Among the possibilities he is reportedly mulling: Mo Hammer
Q. Daffy, Mojo McNasty and Mo Mr. Coffee. Also, Fred MacMurray.
Critics say Khaddafi hasn't been getting his name in the
paper as much lately with all the attention to Iraq, Afghanistan
and the Israeli-Palestinian crisis and is probably just trying
to drum up a little publicity.
Other heads of state in the news today:
A leaner, meaner Palestinian leader ... Yasser Arafat
is sporting a buff new physique and shilling his "Ara-Slim
Weight Loss Plan" in infomercials on Al-Jazeera TV.
Arafat, who offers diet advice like: "Eat nothing but
mortar dust for three weeks," has also released a rap
recording under his newly created Ara-Phat label.
Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan, accidentally
detonated a small nuclear device in his office yesterday.
Musharraf reported that he was "cleaning the weapon"
when all of a sudden it "just went off."
Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai is seeking U.S.
support for his plan to execute anyone who he thinks might
try to assassinate him. He is also considering banning the
consumption of Dinty Moore Beef Stew in his country.
Meanwhile, Chinese President Jiang Zemin has suffered
a pulled hamstring and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan
is thinking of getting a pony.
the Movies: Jesus Christ, box-office superstar