Col. Qadhafi
goes 'ballistic'

By John Breneman

Libyan crazy man Moammar Gadhafi has informed the United Nations that he is "sick and tired of having my name spelled 10 different ways."

Col. Gadhaffi, whose name is routinely spelled Kadhafi, Gadhdhafi, Qadhafi, Khaddafi and countless other variations in press reports, said he believes the spelling fiasco is part of a western conspiracy to irritate him into "firing off a bunch of nuclear bombs and maybe a little mustard gas."

Qadhafi, whose first name is also spelled Muammar, Mu'ammar or Mohammar, is reportedly "going ballistic" over the inconsistencies.
In a letter addressed to "American President Jorge W. Boosh," Kadhafi revealed that he is considering changing his name to make it easier for the international media to accurately write about him.

Among the possibilities he is reportedly mulling: Mo Hammer Q. Daffy, Mojo McNasty and Mo Mr. Coffee. Also, Fred MacMurray.
Critics say Khaddafi hasn't been getting his name in the paper as much lately with all the attention to Iraq, Afghanistan and the Israeli-Palestinian crisis and is probably just trying to drum up a little publicity.

Other heads of state in the news today:

A leaner, meaner Palestinian leader ... Yasser Arafat is sporting a buff new physique and shilling his "Ara-Slim Weight Loss Plan" in infomercials on Al-Jazeera TV.

Arafat, who offers diet advice like: "Eat nothing but mortar dust for three weeks," has also released a rap recording under his newly created Ara-Phat label.

Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan, accidentally detonated a small nuclear device in his office yesterday. Musharraf reported that he was "cleaning the weapon" when all of a sudden it "just went off."

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai is seeking U.S. support for his plan to execute anyone who he thinks might try to assassinate him. He is also considering banning the consumption of Dinty Moore Beef Stew in his country.

Meanwhile, Chinese President Jiang Zemin has suffered a pulled hamstring and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan is thinking of getting a pony.



New bin Laden tape to be released on CD

Osama bin Laden made a mysterious appearance on the Home Shopping Network last night and announced that he is slashing prices on his vast inventory of duct tape.

Intelligence experts say the voice is definitely that of bin Laden, a fact confirmed by sophisticated audio analysis and his repeated use of the word "friggin'."

Bin Laden also spent time hawking his latest audiotape, also available on CD, with special bonus tracks of the bearded baritone terrorist remaking the classic Elvis hits "Hate Me Tender" and "Blue Suede Combat Boots."

See BIN LADEN, next page

Power outage linked to squirrel terrorist cell

By John Breneman

A rogue squirrel knocked out power across much of the city early Thursday in an act of sabotage that police are calling "a heinous and cowardly act of rodent terrorism."

The squirrel leaped into an electrical transformer at a downtown substation shortly after 9 a.m., just as the business day began.

The economic impact of the brazen daylight suicide mission is estimated at $1.2 killion as hundreds of downtown workers were left literally powerless to do their jobs.

Employees at one local dot-com were startled to find the company no longer existed when the electricity came back on. And several firms provided counseling to help workers deal with the emotional trauma of not being able to get onto their computers.

The squirrel was killed instantly and so could not be questioned regarding his motive. But police say a group identifying itself as the Bushy Tail Liberation Army is claiming responsibility for the attack.

The BTLA, which exploded onto the international rodent terrorism scene when it sizzled a power transformer outside the White House last November, scratched the following statement into the bark of a giant oak tree near City Hall:

"We demand an immediate end to the vehicular genocide being perpetrated against the squirrel community by our human oppressors in their noxious SUVs."

Citing the "needless slaughter" of millions of squirrels on our nation's roadways, the BTLA vowed that more serious power outages would follow unless authorities complied with their demands. These include:

-- Legislation imposing stiff fines and jail time for squashing a squirrel in an automobile.

-- Erection of "Squirrel Crossing" signs and overpasses at specified locations.

-- Immediate repeal of heavy tariffs on the import of exotic European and Asian acorns.

-- Federal subsidies to stimulate trade with acorn-producing nations.

-- And sweeping oak tree preservation measures, including a nationwide ban on the use of oak in furniture manufacturing.

Lt. James Nutt of the police department's elite anti-rodent terrorism unit said there is no cause for the public to be alarmed.

But he did offer several tips for homeowners concerned that the squirrels chattering and foraging out in their yard might be aligned with the BTLA rebels. Tell-tale signs include:

-- Squirrels congregating in groups and chattering in hushed tones.

-- Shifty eyes.

-- Handguns and ammunition missing from your closet.

-- Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons appearing mysteriously on your TV.

If you suspect an ordinary household squirrel of engaging in subversive activity, Nutt warned, do not attempt to subdue the rodent yourself. They are often trained in martial arts like Tae Akorn Do.

Instead, police urge you to scamper inside and whimper like a baby until help arrives.


Cartoon heroes
fight war on terror

By John Breneman

Osama bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite Special Forces unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according to an exclusive TV Guide story by investigative reporter Clark Kent.

Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up to the speedy bin Laden on a dirt road in Pakistan, but the mission was aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally flattened himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive terrorist.

Pentagon sources confirm that Mr. Coyote, ranked #38 on TV Guide's recent list of the 50 all-time greatest cartoon characters, is one of several animated agents who have volunteered to help fight for truth, justice and the American way.

Acting on sensitive intelligence developed by Beavis and Butt-head, U.S. ground forces led by Bugs Bunny and Speed Racer penetrated the compound of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein with air support from Woody Woodpecker and Snoopy (aka the Red Baron). Popeye reportedly punched Hussein in the face so hard that his neck stretched approximately 20 feet before his head snapped and wobbled back into place.

To help defuse tensions in the strife-torn Middle East, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reportedly is grooming a covert unit led by Scooby-Doo, Mr. Magoo and Winnie the Pooh.

"America's arsenal of superheroes is unmatched by any nation in the world," said Rumsfeld, noting that Superman, Wonder Woman and Fat Albert stand ready for deployment to trouble spots around the globe. Rumsfeld also announced the creation of a new Internet surveillance task force headed by Mighty Mouse.

President Bush committed his full support to the cartoon initiative after a White House strategy session with Batman and Tweety Bird. The president then retreated to the Oval Office to huddle with Homer Simpson, Yogi Bear and Bullwinkle for advice on communicating his message to the American people.



The Sissy
of Baghdad

By John Breneman

TV talking heads reporting on the capture of Saddam Hussein have expanded the narrow set of buzzwords they are using to describe the cowardly, bedraggled, disheveled, disoriented former Iraqi leader.

"Terms like murderous thug, bloodthirsty tyrant and genocidal psychopath don't come close to accurately describing this noxious and repugnant asswipe," said Lloyd Tabb, vice president of trash talk for Fox News.

"Ruthless dictator? Please. This guy is a sinister, demented, poopshoot-dwelling cannibal. We're calling him 'Atrocity-Meister' in hopes that may catch on."

The once-powerful "Butcher of Baghdad" was reduced to a blubbering fraidy-cat this weekend when U.S. forces found him in a festering stinkhole having sex with a large rodent while battling video infidels on his Sunni Playstation.

Televised images showed that Hussein had cleverly disguised himself as a filthy, maggot-infested hobo to elude capture. At presstime the Pentagon would not confirm reports that the sissy fugitive tried to dupe his captors by wearing fake plastic novelty glasses with bushy eyebrows and a bulbous nose.

The big question now is whether Hussein will reveal his secret stash of Weapons of Mass Destruction or admit his gay love affair with Osama bin Laden. The U.S. military is employing the most aggressive interrogation methods allowed under the Geneva Convention, including prolonged exposure to psychologically disturbing video montages of Ashton Kutcher and P. Diddy.

Also looming is the question of how Hussein will be tried for his crimes against humanity. While many favor a United Nations tribunal, there is considerable support for trying him in Iraq, lynching him in Texas, or simply turning him over to the Cincinnati Police.

In other news, the Hussein death toll grew dramatically with the news of his capture as dozens of Iraqis were slain by celebratory gunfire.