Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall St.
Recent reports of a steroid
epidemic in Major League Baseball have spurred shocking allegations
about widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs among
stock brokers, politicians and TV news reporters.
"Half the brokers on the floor of the New
York Stock Exchange are juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione,
a retired Merrill Lynch financial analyst.
"Those guys are animals. Once I was about
to buy 5,000 shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7,
320-pound broker just slammed me to the floor to block my
deal," he said.
"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000
shares of MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's
goon -- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed,
'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine
Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being
heard from Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped
politicians and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes
because they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece
filibusters and legislative "smackdowns" are all
the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers are returning
from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional watchdogs
say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers are turning
to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative performance.
"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring
12 pieces of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to
147 bills in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from
diet and exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist.
"God help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."
notes: All eyes are on Giants slugger Barry Bonds
this spring as closes in on the all-time record for baseball's
Jason Giambi, chisel-chest first
baseman of the N.Y. Yankees, raised suspicions when he reported
for spring training a scrawny shadow of his former he-man
self. But the shrinkage had nothing to do with quitting steroids
now that the heat is on; Giambi explained that he lost the
weight by laying off those fattening peanut butter and Human
Growth Hormone sandwiches.
Just in case Giambi loses
power, the Yanks signed the Incredible Hulk to come
of the bench and play DH.
And finally, Jose Canseco,
the original poster boy for anabolic goodies, was cut by the
Dodgers because he flat-out stinks.
Col. Qadhafi goes 'ballistic'
Libyan crazy man Moammar Qadhafi has informed the United
Nations that he is "sick and tired of having my name
spelled 10 different ways."
Col. Gadhaffi, whose name is routinely spelled Kadhafi, Gadhdhafi,
Qadhafi, Khaddafi and countless other variations in press
reports, said he believes the spelling fiasco is part of a
western conspiracy to irritate him into "firing off a
bunch of nuclear bombs and maybe a little mustard gas."
Qadhafi, whose first name is also spelled Muammar, Mu'ammar
or Mohammar, is reportedly "going ballistic" over
In a letter addressed to "American President Jorge W.
Boosh," Kadhafi revealed that he is considering changing
his name to make it easier for the international media to
accurately write about him.
Among the possibilities he is reportedly mulling: Mo Hammer
Q. Daffy, Mojo McNasty and Mo Mr. Coffee. Also, Fred MacMurray.
Critics say Khaddafi hasn't been getting his name in the
paper as much lately with all the attention to Iraq, Afghanistan
and the Israeli-Palestinian crisis and is probably just trying
to drum up a little publicity.
Other heads of state in the news today:
A leaner, meaner Palestinian leader ... Yasser Arafat
is sporting a buff new physique and shilling his "Ara-Slim
Weight Loss Plan" in infomercials on Al-Jazeera TV.
Arafat, who offers diet advice like: "Eat nothing but
mortar dust for three weeks," has also released a rap
recording under his newly created Ara-Phat label.
Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan, accidentally
detonated a small nuclear device in his office yesterday.
Musharraf reported that he was "cleaning the weapon"
when all of a sudden it "just went off."
Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai is seeking U.S.
support for his plan to execute anyone who he thinks might
try to assassinate him. He is also considering banning the
consumption of Dinty Moore Beef Stew in his country.
Meanwhile, Chinese President Jiang Zemin has suffered
a pulled hamstring and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan
is thinking of getting a pony.
wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil
By John Breneman
And the winner for Best Actor in a Geopolitical Drama is
George W. Bush in "Master and Commander: The Middle
East Side of the World."
Bush, following in the tradition of the legendary Republican
thespian Ronald Reagan, beat out Donald Rumsfeld, nominated
for his portrayal of a bellicose Cabinet official who refuses
to let international objections and shaky intelligence stop
him from waging war in "Pirates of the Mediterranean:
Curse of the Black Oil."
Looking mischievously presidential in a double-breasted Giorgio
Armani tuxedo with a red, white and blue satin bowtie and
$20,000 Bruno Magli ostrich-skin cowboy boots, Bush started
by thanking his director, Dick Cheney.
"I'd also like to thank the Axis of Evil giving me this
opportunity to rid the world of terror," said Bush, who
went on to thank his costume designer for the snappy military
flightsuit he wore in the surreal "Mission Accomplished"
sequence and script consultant Clint Eastwood for such memorable
lines as "Bring 'em on," "smoke 'em out"
and "Either you are with us or you are with the terrorists."
Warning: Do not drift off to sleep while flipping between
the Oscars and CNN.
Oscar moment brought to you by
the makers of Oscar Mayer bologna:
The annual Oscars pre-awards coverage consists primarily
of stars promenading along the red carpet and smiling while
a TV pinhead poses the obligatory "What are you wearing?"
query. But just once you wish the diva draped in designer
finery would tell the whole truth.
"Well my dress is by Versace. My face is by Dr. Sergio
Scalpelli and my botox is by SkinTech Pharmaceuticals. Oh,
and my cleavage is by Dr. Tripp L.D. Gazongas. He's the best."
Tom Hanks to play "Jesus Gump"
By John Breneman
Resurrected by Mel Gibson as a Hollywood heavyweight, Jesus
is now being eyed for the title role in dozens of new projects,
including "There's Something About Mary Magdalene,"
"Guess Who's Coming to the Last Supper" and the
controversial "Last Tango in Nazareth."
Tom Hanks reportedly is set to star in "Jesus Gump,"
but a source close to the universally beloved Oscar winner
said he is also reading scripts for "Sleepless in Jerusalem"
and "You've Got Nail."
Many of Hollywood's biggest stars covet a piece of the action.
Richard Gere will play a militaristic Jesus in "A Savior
and a Gentleman" and Woody Allen a neurotic, nebbishy
son of God in "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About
Crucifixion But Were Afraid to Ask."
Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" has stirred
passionate criticism that his portrayal of blood-thirsty Jews
is anti-Semitic. But the Aussie filmmaker dismisses the charges,
saying the same thing happened with "Schindler's Grocery
List," "Who Framed Roger Rabbi?" and Dr. Seuss's
"The Cat in the Yarmulke."
Other religious leaders have made favorable comments.
Pope John Paul II gave the film two thumbs up, saying, "It
is as it was
only with bitchin' special effects."
"Fast Times at Bethlehem High"
There is now some question as to whether the Pope actually
made the remark or was just signaling for another jumbo popcorn
and some Milk Duds, but his publicist said John Paul II is
excited about making his big-screen debut opposite Burt Reynolds
in the free-wheeling buddy film "Smokey and the Pontiff."
Also according to the Tinsel Town grapevine, Oliver Stone
will direct the story of a long-suffering Vietnam vet in "Born
on the 25th of December" and Sean Penn is on board as
a cool surfer Jesus in "Fast Times at Bethlehem High."
Other big names attached to Jesus projects include Madonna
in "Desperately Seeking Salvation," Quentin Tarantino
in the ultra-violent "Reservoir Gods" and Gene Wilder
in the madcap comedy "Start the Resurrection Without
The busy son of God will also battle B-movie forces of evil
in "Jesus vs. Godzilla" and heal America's ailing
democracy in the Capra-esque "Mr. Christ Goes to Washington."
Meanwhile the controversy surrounding Gibson's vision of Jesus
Christ, box-office superstar, promises to help make the film
a mega-hit, but Tinsel Town insiders say it would be an altogether
different story had he not scrapped the movie's original title,
the Movies: Terror in Tinsel Town