Crash-test dummies endorse Nader

By John Breneman

Ralph Nader's controversial quest for the presidency received a major boost today as the nation's crash-test dummies pledged their silent support.

Nader, best known in political circles for helping George W. Bush reach the White House in the 2000 election, rose to prominence in the mid-1960s when his book "Unsafe at Any Speed" led to new automobile safety laws.

"This president is a friggin' lemon," said Nader, invoking the terminology that made him almost as much of a pariah in the automobile industry as he is now among Democrats who believe his candidacy will help Bush gain re-election.

Appearing Sunday on "Meet the Press," Nader said President Bush ought to be impeached for lying his way into an unnecessary war and for being (actual quote) "a giant corporation in the White House masquerading as a human being."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded by giving reporters a nearly illegible fax that he said proves the president is, in fact, a human being.

Nevertheless, many leading Democrats are concerned that Nader's brand of straight talk will siphon votes away from the party's eventual nominee.

Terry McAuliffe, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, leads a long list of influential players who have begged Nader not to run. They include Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, the biggest name reporters could reach on Sunday to badmouth Nader's presidential bid, and comedian Dana Carvey, who said he would prefer to see Texas funnyman Ross Perot enter the race.

Opponents to Nader's candidacy also have set up web sites with names like and
Nader, who received a lovely thank-you note from President and Mrs. Bush after the 2000 election, is now accusing the president of "high crimes and misdemeanors."

Responding to "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert's question on how he feels about being called a "spoiler," Nader replied, "Gotcha, Tim! You're on my new hidden camera show - The Ralph Nader Ego Trip 2004!"

Trump tells Bush: 'You're fired'

By John Breneman

Donald Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom today to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of America Inc.

"You're fired."

The superstar New York developer cushioned the blow by saying he might be able to find something for Bush as a mid-level executive in one of his shell companies or perhaps "clearing brush" outside one of his skyscrapers.

"For a guy with a bachelor's from Yale and an MBA from Harvard, you don't have much sense, do you?" said Trump, who seemed to enjoy making Bush squirm a bit before dropping the axe on the slack-jawed former president.

Trump said Bush had already been on thin ice for leading his organization into an expensive, high-risk war that offered little potential for return on the massive investment of taxpayer money.

But the final straw was this week's bogus White House projection that the economy would add 2.6 million new jobs this year, an erroneously optimistic number that Bush and administration officials have been forced to scramble away from.

After sleeping on what he said was a difficult decision, the man known as "The Donald" he woke up, dragged a $6,000 Armani comb through his fabulous hair helmet and ordered his helicopter pilot, Jeeves, to zoom down to Washington to give "The Dubya" his walking papers.

Trump, who briefly explored a presidential run in 1999, said he would consider filling in as interim president, as long as he didn't have to take orders from Vice President Dick Cheney like Bush does.

The star of the hot new reality TV show, "The Apprentice," Trump furthered justified sacking the president by saying that, under Bush, the federal deficit is expanding almost as fast as his own gargantuan ego.

In the end, Trump concluded, he had little choice but to can Bush "despite all those crazy tax cuts he dishes out for insanely wealthy guys like me."

President may have evaded Boy Scout service

By John Breneman

WASHINGTON -- New allegations have emerged regarding President Bush's service in uniform, this time involving his record in the Boy Scouts of America.

As critics hammer him over whether he evaded his duties in the National Guard, the president now faces tough questions about whether he actually earned several merit badges that have been awarded to him.

Bush is an outspoken supporter of the Boy Scouts and also serves as the organization's honorary president, but there is mounting evidence that he may have completely "blown off" the respected character-building organization as a youth.

A former Texas scoutmaster says he has no recollection of Bush ever having served in his troop and could produce no records that the future president was ever issued a uniform or penknife.

Nevertheless, Bush reportedly has received merit badges for Citizenship, Emergency Preparedness and Public Speaking. Critics charge that Bush's possession of the badges is a slap in the face to thousands of diligent young scouts who have earned them fair and square.

Eagle Scout Jimmy Barton, 16, of Whittler, Texas, said he guesses the president could make a case he earned the badges through his later service to the country, but he is not convinced.

"Citizenship and Emergency Preparedness I could understand, but Public Speaking? Please," said Barton. "I think he should give them back unless he wants to do the work. I had to report 15 suspicious neighbors to the Justice Department to get my Emergency Preparedness badge."

Bush responded to the allegations on "Meet the Press," saying, "I would be careful to not denigrate the Boy Scouts. It's fine to go after me, which I expect the other side will do. I wouldn't denigrate service to the Scouts, though."

Earlier today, the White House released dental records showing Bush had received treatment for a cavity caused by eating toasted marshmallows at a Boy Scout jamboree in 1960.

Grain Expectations

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