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November 19, 2004

Clinton Library features porn aisle

Four American presidents join forces in Arkansas to fight for truth, justice and the American way.

It was raining presidents at the president-filled grand opening of a library honoring the reign of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The star-studded stage outside the glistening William J. Clinton Presidential Center was flooded with presidential testosterone as the War President, the Wimp President and the Peanut President all paid tribute to the Penis President.

Hoping to project unity to the divided and hopelessly confused nation, the two Democratic and two Republican presidents were all hugs and kisses for the cameras, except when President Bush Sr. said how much he "hated" Clinton for beating his ass in a debate and for being 10 times more charismatic and visionary.

The current President Bush had kind words for Clinton, saying that in the soft focus of history he is "not such a scumbag after all."

Red and blue TV viewers in now-quiet battleground states sat on the edge of their seats as media pundits gushed about Clinton the "rock star" and how his legacy will be forever semen-stained by sex with a groupie.

Two of Clinton's rock star buddies, Bono and the Edge of U2, were the headline performers for a crowd that included noted standup comics Robin Williams and Karl Rove. Noted non-president John Kerry was also on hand, sporting a $27,000 L.L. Bean Rain-Buster kevlar umbrella.

The $165 million glass-and-steel Clinton center is the most expensive library ever erected, partly because extra square footage was needed to house the former president's expansive collection of pornography and sex scandal member-abilia.

The structure features a dimly lit "porn alcove" with rare XXX titles like "Midnight Filibuster" and "Hillary Does Congress," and an interactive exhibit where visitors can experience the heady sensation of taking a puff of marijuana without actually inhaling.

Related story:
Clinton memoir penned with company ink

November 15, 2004

Armchair pundits offer
electric chair analysis

Now that a jury has found California psycho Scott Peterson guilty of killing his wife and unborn son, the sensational round-the-clock media coverage shifts to whether Peterson will get the death penalty.

Public opinion is divided on whether Peterson should live or die, but polls show there is near universal agreement on one thing - the Scott Peterson "story" must be put to death as soon as possible.

"Death penalty, life in prison ... doesn't matter to me. That murdering scum deserves whatever they give him," said a man on the street. "But I'll tell you, I'm sick of how the media has been beating this case to death. I swear if they don't let up I may go on a spree myself."

Though several legal analysts pointed out they had predicted a verdict might be reached on Friday, none had a clue how inane their commentary sounded when woven together with other similarly obvious and repetitive soundbites.

When word came late Friday that the verdict was first-degree murder, the same legal analysts were reintroduced as armchair electric chair experts to speculate about whether the clone-faced Peterson will live or die ... or use the appeals court process to haunt us eternally from some media overkill netherworld.

November 12, 2004

A tip of the hat to Mr. Arafat

Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in stylish headgear lives on.

As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and hoping they don't pierce too many skulls on the way down, geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat's monumental contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.

MORE

A word from your president

"My fellow Americans..."

By Chris Elliott

November 3, 2004

President Bush 'out,' media 'in' as
biggest thing to complain about in '05

By John Breneman

Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the Media."

Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing propaganda.

November 1, 2004

Poll reveals Bush favored by
mushroom cloud enthusiasts

October 27, 2004

Today's Media Horoscope

Bill O'Reilly

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -- Your image as a bombastic crusader for morality may be harmed by an underling who rejects your crude romantic advances. Don't let sexual misconduct and blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony platitudes about family values. A substantial cash payoff should convince her to shut up.

October 25, 2004

Lookout, Kerry's got a gun

Eager to prove he's a macho regular guy, John Kerry went hunting over the weekend and bagged a terrorist.

Clad in a $1.4 million L.L. Bean flak jacket and brandishing a borrowed 12-gauge shotgun, Kerry emerged from an Ohio cornfield flashing a bloody thumbs-up and reporting, "Everybody got one."

An aide said Kerry planned to have his terrorist stuffed and mounted in his den on Boston's Beacon Hill.

President Bush chided Kerry for posing as a phony terrorist hunter and announced plans for a pre-election safari in Iraq, during which he planned to blast at least five or six "freedom haters."

Several pundits drew comparisons between Kerry's high-profile hunting expedition and President Bush's decision to dress up in a nifty Navy flightsuit for his infamous "Mission Accomplished" moment, though some argued that Bush's phony photo-op was at least 10 times phonier and more distasteful than Kerry's.

In related news, the news media is trumpeting a possible celebrity death match between Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger as both camps fire up their attack machines for a final week of pounding each other's integrity in the battleground states.

October 22, 2004

Today's Presidential Horoscopes

John Kerry
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness may distract people from fully understanding your mixed messages. Future job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a well-liked adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.

George W. Bush
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and common sense intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting a tough persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay the course.

See more Horoscopes

October 20, 2004

President Bush won a key endorsement today from the International Brotherhood of Stem Cells (IBSC).

A spokesman for the feisty building blocks of life said they feel safer under Bush, who has pledged to defend their right to maybe someday become a life, than under Sen. Kerry, who has made no secret of his diabolical plan to use them for medical research.

The president and his challenger differ sharply on undifferentiated embryonic cells, which political scientists say may hold the secret to curing spinal cord injuries and major diseases.
The IBSC released the following statement:

"Though certain liberal elements of our membership believe we ought to sacrifice a few potential lives for the good of mankind, the majority of us agree we must look out for numero uno."

"John Kerry wants to sacrifice us for medical research, but where was he when the time came to give HIS stem cells for the cause? And Christopher Reeves, may he rest in peace, was not the boss of us."

October 18, 2004

Fall foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann

Everyone knows that the autumn foliage in New England is the finest in the world. But there is much about this annual cornucopia of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have decided to direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette's resident foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.

Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?
-- Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth

Answer: No. I have found that it's best to hire an experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.

Question: Where do the presidential candidates stand on foliage?
-- Joe Voder, Dixville Notch

Answer: click here

October 14, 2004

Bush flip-flops on bin Laden

One of President Bush's tough-guy soundbites is biting him in the bum today. After 9/11, the president promised to nail the terror kingpin "dead or alive." But not long after he botched a chance to do just that -- "outsourcing" the job to Afghan warlords, as his opponent keeps pointing out -- Bush changed his tune.

With the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks still at large, Bush was asked at a March 13, 2002, White House press conference why he never mentions bin Laden anymore. The president, by then laser-focused on a guy -- Saddam Hussein -- who did not attack us, had lost interest in the man who did.

"You know, I just don't spend that much time on him," he responded. "I don't know where he is. ... I truly am not that concerned about him."

Fast forward to last night's debate.     MORE

October 13, 2004

Bin Laden claims responsibility
for 'Curse of the Bambino'

October 11, 2004

Bush embraces 'trickle-down' strategy

President Bush says the new report showing Saddam Hussein had absolutely had no weapons of mass destruction proves he was right to launch a war to protect us from weapons of mass destruction the Iraqi madman definitely did not possess.

For those readers still blinking and scratching their heads in confusion, we repeat: President Bush told us we had to invade Iraq because Hussein had WMDs. Now, faced with conclusive proof Hussein did not have weapons, the president says, "See? I told you I was right."

Supporters insist that the president's policy of peeing in America's ear and telling voters what they want to hear -- his so-called "trickle-down" strategy -- is actually a positive attribute because he does it so consistently.

But if he were to accidentally tell the truth, this would be seen as a weakness. So, regarding Iraq, it is vitally important that he keep showering us with a stream of piss and calling it a golden beacon of democracy.

In a related development, Bush says the fact that he will be the first president since Herbert Hoover to oversee a net loss of jobs during his four-year term offers clear proof that his economic policy is working.

October 8, 2004

Iraq weapons key issue at next debate

President Bush is expected to come out firing at tonight's debate in St. Louis, but pundits disagree on whether he will try to reclaim momentum from Sen. John Kerry by shooting the Democratic insurgent with that cool pistol he got from Saddam Hussein.

A new report confirming that the president's claims about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were absolutely false has provided fresh ammunition for Kerry. But strategists say Bush may exploit a loophole in the 32 pages of rules governing the debate, which apparently fail to prohibit shooting one's opponent with a souvenir firearm.     MORE

October 6, 2004

Pundits render verdict in
case of Cheney v. Edwards

Vice President Dick Cheney scored a decisive blow in his debate with Sen. John Edwards on Tuesday by citing a link between Al Qaeda and U.S. trial lawyers. Cheney also claimed that, if elected, John Kerry would appoint Germans and Frenchmen to his Cabinet.

Pundits called the debate a clear victory for the very composed Cheney, who did not snarl or rip his shirt off and turn huge and green, even when Edwards kept talking about what a mess Cheney and his pet monkey have made while doing their doody.     MORE

October 4, 2004

Fixing the Sunday headlines

Perhaps you are one of the millions of Americans who likes to read the Sunday paper to catch up on the news. Below, printed in bold, are a series of REAL headlines from Sunday's Boston Globe. The trick here is that printed just beneath the real headlines are what we call FAKE headlines that add both humor and context to the actual news. Ready?

Candidates' war rooms to reassess battle plans
Bush expected to pack heat for next debate

Supreme Court to start new term tomorrow
Majority of justices stand ready to reappoint Bush in '04

Gunfire, bombings kill 44 in India
That's OK, majority to be reincarnated as spider monkeys

At rumbling Mount St. Helens, hazard level is raised
Hundreds flee wrath of fiery mountain bitch

Afghan warlords hunt for votes
Local candidate promises two camels in every garage

Backroom dealing a Capitol trend
Key votes can sell for up to $14 million

Cheney presses Hussein-Qaeda link
VP still believes lying is key to victory on Nov. 2

October 1, 2004

20 Questions about Post-Debate Spin

Is the water cooler half empty or half full?

Did Kerry hammer Bush with that "colossal error of judgment" zinger? Or did Bush impress voters by telling 'em 11 times that fighting terror is "hard work"?     MORE

Lars Trodson goes "Inside the Spin Room"

See the Gazette's 'endorsement' of President Bush

September 29, 2004

Bush, Kerry to trade punches, punchlines

Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it is time for another presidential debate. This one will help determine who will lead America for the next four years -- Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop.

The rules are simple: No eye-gouging, head-butting or Abu Ghraib-ing.

MORE

September 20, 2004

September 15, 2004

Vote for Kerry if you hate America
and want to die soon

September 13, 2004

No satirist
left behind

As I imagined the next generation of computer-literate, college-bound kindergarteners heading off to school this week, I began to reflect on my own indelible experiences in education.

From my humble beginnings in a suburban Pittsburgh nursery school, I rose through our oft-criticized public school system, achieved a college degree that I recently finished paying off, and embarked upon an odyssey of never-ending alternative education.     MORE

September 10, 2004

Political football: Donkeys beat Elephants

By John Breneman

The Donkeys beat the Elephants 51-49 on a last-second fumble by GOP quarterback George W. Bush to open the 2004 Political Football League season last night.

The Elephants appeared headed for victory, leading 49-44 and needing only a first down to run out the clock with just 32 seconds left.

"Four more yards!" Bush yelled to Dick Cheney, the bruising fullback who had already scored two touchdowns and spent half the game in Donkey quarterback John Kerry's face, questioning his manhood and taunting him as "sensitive."     MORE

September 8, 2004

Bush urged to kick $177M-a-day war habit

President Bush's colorful past as a coke-snorting, beer-guzzling party animal should not hurt his re-election bid, political analysts say, because he already addressed the issue a few years when he kicked the bottle and made God his new best pal.

But now muckraking biographer Kitty Kelley writes in "The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" that young George W. put narcotics up his nose at Camp David while his pop was president. The allegation is made by Sharon Bush, ex-wife of his brother Neil, the one who got mixed up all those Chinese hookers.

Kelley writes that Bush learned how to use cocaine at Yale during a three-day Ecstasy and speedball bender. Once he graduated and blew all the dough his dad's friends gave him to look for oil, Bush allegedly turned to cocaine to pep him up some and got so excited he had to be talked out of investing in a "can't miss" deal down in Colombia.

In a related development, critics have intensified their call for President Bush to kick his $177-million-a-day war habit.     MORE

August 31, 2004

Live Report from
Humor Gazette News Anchor Reid Page

August 30, 2004

Lil' evil-doer

DAY ONE of the Republican National Convention got off to a strange start when President Bush grabbed a baby and hoisted it over his head in traditional campaign style.

The adorable photo-op turned ugly, however, when the tyke mocked the president by saying "Abu Ghraib," flawlessly, then stinging the horrified commander-in-chief with a stream of pee.

A Bush spokesman said a preliminary investigation revealed the baby may have ties to John Kerry and likely breached security by crawling under one of the loyalty oath/polygraph checkpoints stationed at every entrance.

An official with the Kerry campaign denied responsibility, then joked, "Looks like the terror alert has been lowered to yellow."

Geraldo Rivera claims the baby is connected with a group calling itself Lil' Tugboat Tooters for Twoof. But according to al Jazeera, the incident is more likely an act of infanto-terrorism perpetrated by an agent of the youthful al Qaeda fringe group, al Cradle.

There are conflicting reports on the identity and whereabouts of the baby, which was flung into the crowd by President Bush then shackled and sent to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation.

In other convention news: Defense Secretary Rumsfeld has asked for a legal ruling on whether hostile infants are subject to the Geneva Conventions.

August 27, 2004

Humor Gazette endorses George W. Bush

August 25, 2004

The Humor Gazette, preparing its blockbuster coverage of the Republican National Convention, has already run into a little trouble.

A group calling itself Lying Sacks of Elephant Dung for Bush has apparently launched a smear campaign against the Gazette, claiming the publication did not deserve its three Purple Funnybone awards for wartime satire.

The Bush attack dogs, a drooling pack of failed Republican comics, even called into question a prestigious Bronze Groucho awarded to Gazette editor John Breneman by the New England Press Association in 2001.

Sen. Bob Dole called the Gazette's humor "superficial" and suggested it be banned from covering the Republican Convention unless it signed a loyalty oath to President Bush.

Gazette publisher Arturo DiMaunchie responded quickly, calling President Bush "a major league jackass" and "perhaps the slimiest president of all-time," while pledging that the paper's "fair and balanced" convention coverage would not be affected by the president's "moral cowardice" nor his lame, possibly illegal, attempt to claim credit for the Iraqi soccer team's Olympic glory.

White House smears Humor Gazette:
March 31 report documents pattern of harrassment

August 23, 2004

No cease-fire in U.S. political war

Hostilities between warring factions intensified today with a harsh new attack by a group called Swift Boat Veterans Who Want to Gouge Kerry's Eyes Out.     MORE

August 20, 2004

FCC fines NBC for Olympic coverage

The FCC has imposed a hefty fine on NBC for repeatedly broadcasting the word "snatch" during coverage of Olympic weightlifting competition. Federal censors added that many viewers might also be offended by the imagery evoked by the words "clean and jerk."

The weightlifting competition also features "more grunting that you hear in most porn movies," said Powell, adding of the Olympic Games in general, "What do you expect from an event that used to be held in the nude."     MORE

August 18, 2004

Man plans Iditarod run with team of Corgis
By Chris Elliott

August 16, 2004

Kerry passes Nuke-u-lar litmus test
By Chris Elliott

August 13, 2004

August 11, 2004

Intelligence decision lacks intelligence

(aka: Bush tabs partisan goon to head CIA)

August 9, 2004

Bush vows to beat Kerry 'dead or alive'

By John Breneman

Looking ahead to the Republican National Convention, President Bush has been touring the country test-marketing campaign slogans designed to counter the Kerry-Edwards promise that "Hope is on the way."

"Terror is on the way!" the president shouted at a pro-Bush picnic in Stratham, N.H.

"Bring 'em on," Bush said of Kerry and Edwards during a stop in Peoria, Illinois. Then, as some unidentified white foam appeared at the corners of his mouth, the president added that he plans to pummel the Democratic insurgents "dead or alive."

MORE

August 6, 2004

One fish two fish, red fish dead fish

Responding to harsh criticism from the New York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that he is switching to a fish-based system.

Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid and reassuring them about "the president's leadership in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal, and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.

On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the captain's firm hand at the helm.

Related stories:
U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl

Nostradamus issues new terror warning

August 5, 2004

Humor Gazette editor admits ignorance
I had never heard of a "Googlewhack" until alert reader Kieran Nelson (possibly an alias) wrote to inform us that we have the distinction of being the only site that appears when one runs a Google search (no quote marks) for two magic words ... "whimwham" and "hullabaloo."

Strange things can happen when you try to discover a new Googlewhack. For example, I punched in the words Abdullah Oblongata and found three entries of interest.

One: She is a fictional 6-year-old Iraqi girl being featured by the fictitious (I hope) Kill the Children foundation sponsored by Howard Dean.

Two: He is apparently a Yale fraternity brother of George W. Bush in a satire piece entitled "Bush to recognize ruthless Taliban as "faith-based organization."

Three: Mr. Oblongata averages 5.8 points and 4.9 rebounds per game for Williams University in the fictional Global Collegiate Basketball Association.

I'm sure there must be at least one other Humor Gazette-based Googlewhack, but it is not "rotgut chitlins" or "humpbacked nincompoop."

August 4, 2004

Nostradamus issues new terror warning

By John Breneman

Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."

Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger" posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."

The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of the John Kerry's rousing speech at the Democratic National Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.

"The terrorists hate the word 'democracy' so much they are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and vote for President Bush "just to be safe." MORE

August 2, 2004

Humor Gazette endorses Kerry, seriously

Though primarily a humor publication, the Humor Gazette is run by a longtime journalist who reserves the right to be serious about important issues facing America and the world. See our endorsement HERE.

July 30, 2004

John Kerry promised Thursday night to be a commander in chief "who will never mislead us into war."

Here is the text of Kerry's speech accepting the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

Also, here is some analysis by David Corn, Washington editor of The Nation magazine and author of "The Lies of George W. Bush: Mastering the Politics of Deception."

July 29, 2004

Click to see larger view of Hussein ad

Gazette discovers evidence of Iraq WMDs

Humor Gazette investigative reporter Chris Elliott has discovered shocking evidence that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.

The smoking gun?
A slick Madison Avenue-quality advertisement for a hideous biological weapon called "Kurd Be Gone," described as "the latest in tribe control products from Hussein Laboratories."      MORE

July 28, 2004

Saddam pens anti-Bush poetry

The Humor Gazette has obtained several of Hussein's poems from a source close to the guy who smuggles in his favorite Oreos, Keeblers and Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Consider this haiku…

"Camel Dung"

Naked aggression
Mother of all warmongers
Halliburton rules

Click here for more Hussein poetry

July 26, 2004

Tom Ridge issues Homeland Security horoscope!!

July 23, 2004

President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler

By John Breneman

Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced today they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that human cloning is "morally right." This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.

Read the complete story

July 21, 2004

Catholic Church Introduces Low-Carb Communion Wafer

Please note that the following is a parody and not based on fact. As far as we know there is no such thing as an Atkins Communion Wafer. Yet.

In an effort to stem the tide of apostasy from the Catholic church, the National Catholic Church of America (NCCA) has introduced a low-carb communion wafer. Since the priest sex abuse scandal, the Catholic church has been losing parishioners at an unprecedented rate, and something had to be done to stop the hemorrhaging. “At this point, people seem to be looking for any excuse to leave,” said Boston Archdiocese spokesman Hugh Bennet. “We don’t want a high-carb communion wafer to cause somebody already on the fence to finally renounce the church.”

Read the complete story

More from: Chris Elliott's "From the Hip":
A desire for change is in the air
No justification for terrorism
Ronald Reagan you're no John F. Kennedy

Must Read: "The Watley Review":
White House Suggests Reinstating Literacy Requirements for Voting

July 19, 2004

Let phony horoscopes guide you

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent.

But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope

Random Satire:
sPerts:
Tour de France proves not Atkins-friendly

Chortler:
John Edwards Versus Dick Cheney: A Look Ahead to the Vice-Presidential Debate

July 16, 2004

I'm tying the heterosexual knot this weekend, so I've been a little distracted. Here is a note I wrote to a friend of mine a little while back when he was getting married...    Letter to the Groom

July 15, 2004

That stupid gay marriage amendment is so gay.

Straight plan for the Constitution, man

Canine weddings frowned upon, too

July 14, 2004

Bush received faulty intelligence from God

By John Breneman

A Senate panel not only determined the U.S. used bad information to justify the war in Iraq, it also weighed in on a report that President Bush may have received faulty intelligence from God.

Bush, who claims to have consulted the Lord before making the decision to go to war, said God convinced him that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and told him Saddam Hussein was a "madman" and a "freedom-hating thug." When asked specifically if Hussein was connected to al Qaeda, Bush said the Creator-in-Chief responded, "Yep."

But the Senate panel investigating pre-war intelligence said that, even though the president talks about religion a lot and ends every speech with the words "God Bless America," it could find no direct link between President Bush and the Lord.

However, Vice President Dick Cheney defended a possible White House-Heaven link, saying the absence of documentation that Bush talked directly to God does not mean such a meeting did not take place.

Washington observers say the possibility that Bush got bad intelligence from "the man upstairs" has not diminished the president's faith in God. Bush has resisted pressure to dump the Lord from his Cabinet and said the omnipotent deity is doing "a fabulous job."

Supporters say they cannot blame Bush for faulty intelligence about Iraq's weapons if it came directly from the great warrior in the sky. Democrats, however, claim the intelligence failure between Bush and the Lord dates back as early as 1946, when God created the future president.

Please consider casting a vote for the Humor Gazette

July 13, 2004

Here are a couple of funny stories from Humor Feed.

Kucinich autobiography to be published In pamphlet
Broken Newz

Indiana man sells Kerry Edwards sells website for $900 billion
The Enduring Vision

CIA overestimated Boogey Man threat
Muskrat News

July 12, 2004

Protest being outsourced by protesters

By Chris Elliott     There is a growing trend among protesters in America to outsource many of their protests to India, Pakistan, Egypt, and other countries. Protesters complain that for one thing, there is just too much for them to protest.     MORE

Hussein to plead temporary insanity

Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.

"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham."

Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman, a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.

Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that he told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman" approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001.     MORE

July 8, 2004

Enron Ghraib?     President Bush said today he will not authorize the use of torture to get alleged white-collar criminal Kenneth Lay to confess wrongdoing in the Enron scandal.

Though 40 percent Americans surveyed said they would not object to stripping Lay naked and throwing him into a pigpile of Enron rifraff, the president said the pal he used to call "Kenny-Boy" should not be subjected to such treatment. After all, Enron gave an estimated $3 million to Republicans during 1998-2002, more than half a million to Bush himself.

The president also ruled out putting underwear over Lay's head and attaching electrodes to his genitals. Citing his own experience as an alleged white-collar criminal, Bush added that business executives should not be threatened by intimidating corporate watchdogs.

July 7, 2004

What if the reality TV people got ahold of the Olympic Games?

July 2, 2004

Flashback to July 4, 1776

Had to dash down to the Library of Congress this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds startling new light on our nation's very first July 4th celebration.

The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there, along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days before the Revolution.

The Washingtons -- George, Martha and little Denzel -- stopped by with some of Martha's famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered to be the tastiest in the Colonies.     MORE

June 30, 2004

Hollywood spins off Spider-man's web

June 29, 2004

VP expands 'Go fuck yourself' list Vice President Dick Cheney today expanded his Go Fuck Yourself (GFY) list to include John Kerry, the liberal media and filmmaker Michael Moore. Cheney said he was invoking expletive privilege to curse out Sen. Patrick Leahy and "any other fucking sonofabitch who ticks me off." Cheney said he "felt better after" dropping the F-Bomb on Sen. Leahy. Other additions to Cheney's GFY enemies list include Al Franken, Sen. Patrick Leahy's mother and "that fucking piece of shit Humor Gazette."

Warning: The following satire contains
adult language, Dick Cheney-style

By Chris Elliott     Two days after telling Sen. Patrick Leahy to "go fuck yourself," Dick Cheney has been scolded by several government officials. But the plucky vice president shows no signs of backing off from his gutter-mouth ways.

Sen. Barbara Boxer told Cheney his lack of respect and decorum were unbecoming a man in his position, to which Cheney replied, "Shut the fuck up you fucking douchebag."

Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank drafted an open letter to Cheney in which he accused him of being the most divisive vice president in the history of this nation. When asked for a rebuttal by White House correspondent David Gregory, Cheney said, "I don't give a shit what that faggot thinks."

Democrats aren't the only ones calling Cheney's rhetoric into question. Arizona senator John McCain recollected President Bush and Cheney referring to a New York Times reporter as a "major league asshole" while on a campaign stop in New York. McCain suggested this second instance of public profanity reflected a thuggish and bullying overall attitude. Cheney called McCain a "fucking dickhead" for bringing it up and told him to "eat shit."

When asked for his opinion on the recent flap, the president defended his second in command. "I know some people have been offended by it," Bush said, "but at least he resisted calling Hillary Clinton a fat bitch. I know for a fact that he wanted to."

June 28, 2004

'Mission Accomplished'? U.S. throws surprise party for Iraq

June 25, 2004

Rumsfeld cites link between Saddam Hussein and ... Rumsfeld

By John Breneman

While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right? Guess again.

Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty of help from his pals in Washington.

Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago, Rummy kept his yap shut. Here's a quote from an August 2002 article by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:

In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the world's attention to Saddam's chemical threat. He was in Baghdad as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.

He was too busy kissing Hussein's ass.

Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents from U.S. companies, according to this "Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here's a quote:

As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's (1983-84) diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged, both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas and ricin.

The nerve of these guys.

Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein did not have time to address Iraq's use of chemical weapons, but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other mutual interests."

Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.

Related reading:
Rumsfeld's old flame -- by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine / Here's a quote:

The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator" is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business, and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when a deal goes bad.

June 24, 2004

Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff" abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing video clip, which can be seen