George W. Bush makes his big-screen debut in "Fahrenheit 9/11"

Hollywood spins off
Spider-man's web

By John Breneman

Fueled by the phenomenal box-office success of "Spider-Man" (the sequel debuts June 30), Hollywood is spinning out a slew of big-budget films about superheroes who are part human, part bug.

Timed to coincide with the onset of mosquito season are potential summer blockbusters like "Ladybug-Man," "Wonder Worm" and "Captain Earwig."

Executives at Mandible Entertainment are already predicting Oscar nominations for the poignant story of Franz Kaufman, a mild-mannered entomologist by day who scurries behind his refrigerator at dusk and metamorphoses into ... "Cockroach-Man," a crusty crime-fighter whose special powers enable him to survive nuclear holocausts and repeated stompings.

"Praying Mantis-Woman" stars Angelina Jolie as a lanky green supervixen who seduces adversaries with her sensuous triangular head and bulbous bedroom eyes, then mates with them and eats them alive.

George Clooney and Michael Keaton are said to be vying for the title role in "Gnatman," a dark thriller about a wealthy Gotham City businessman who dons a tiny mask and cape to annoy archvillains, making them so itchy they can't concentrate on perpetrating evil.

"Dung Beetle-Man" is the story of Steve Scarab, a tormented waste treatment plant worker who falls into a vat of radioactive effluent and emerges with a rancid but impenetrable exoskeleton and the ability to smother foes in his highly toxic feces.

"Sergeant Tapeworm" features a parasitic crime-buster who infests the bad guys' digestive tract and gnaws like mad until they no longer have the stomach to commit diabolical deeds.
And movie fans are expected to flock like locusts to see cotton-pickin' criminals laid low by "Boll Weevil: Enemy of Evil."

The emerging insect-action genre relies on a familiar formula: Colorful champions distinguished by their rippling thorax muscles team up with trusty sidekicks like Aphid, Flea and Chigger to battle repellent archvillains like Lord Maggot, Venus Fly Trap and the nefarious Woodpecker.

The genre also features unique musical styles. "Grasshopper-Man," for example, hums with a lazy, haunting soundtrack provided by the tympanal organs of the Caped Cicadas.

Hollywood is also buzzing about a string of campy Bee-Movies. "The WASP" chronicles the comic misadventures of Whitey Saxon, an uptight Protestant mud dauber living in a colony of angry black militant hornets. And "Queen Bee-Man" features rock star Sting as a transvestite hive boss struggling to keep his true gender a secret from his faithful but suspicious sidekick, Drone.

Even the adult-film industry is getting into the act with the steamy multiple-organism romance, "Katydid Dallas and Johnny Inch-Worm."

Meanwhile, don't adjust your antennae. Bug fare is also creeping onto the small screen with the major networks set to debut "The Pest Wing" and "Who Wants to Be a Millipede?"

Also at the movies:
Green Eggs & Hamlet
Tinsel town terror

Jesus Christ, box-office superstar


(Free delivery of fresh satire every M/W/F, no Spam, strict privacy policy)

June 25, 2004

Rumsfeld cites link between Saddam Hussein and ... Rumsfeld

By John Breneman

While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right? Guess again.

Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty of help from his pals in Washington.

Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago, Rummy kept his yap shut. Here's a quote from an August 2002 article by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:

In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the world's attention to Saddam's chemical threat. He was in Baghdad as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.

He was too busy kissing Hussein's ass.

Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents from U.S. companies, according to this "Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here's a quote:

As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's (1983-84) diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged, both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas and ricin.

The nerve of these guys.

Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein did not have time to address Iraq's use of chemical weapons, but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other mutual interests."

Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.

Related reading:
Rumsfeld's old flame -- by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine / Here's a quote:

The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator" is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business, and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when a deal goes bad.

June 24, 2004

Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff" abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing video clip, which can be seen here.

Repeat after me: "Ah-Boo ... Guh-Reb." Or something like that.

June 23, 2004

You can call me Al
The White House today produced evidence of a clear link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, reporting that in 1999 a Baltimore accountant named Albert "Al" Qaeda ordered a Persian rug for his grandmother from a Baghdad carpet warehouse.

Vice President Dick Cheney explained: "We never said there was a connection between Iraq and the al Qaeda, just an al Qaeda."

This just in from the Ironic Times:
9/11 panel finds 'no credible link' between Bush and credibility.

The Times, with its punchy headline-punchline format, also reports:
-- Bush approves use of Iraqi stem cells
-- Cheney denies buying Brooklyn Bridge from Chalabi
-- White House links Kevin Bacon to 9/11 attacks
-- Report: bin Laden family members received frequent flyer miles

In other fake news:
Bush unveils new "Hey, I Just Work Here!" campaign slogan
President attacked by Saddam's gun

June 22, 2004

Clinton memoir penned with company ink

By John Breneman

Bill Clinton writes that his dream of becoming president began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy, who told him the job was "great for nailing chicks."

As his biography, "My Life" hits bookstores today, Clinton said he failed to launch a more aggressive effort to capture Osama bin Laden in part because intelligence reports indicated the terrorist kingpin had virtually no access to "high-quality Arabian tail."

The book (subtitled "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am") has already hit #1 on the Humor Gazette bestseller list. It is also #1 at despite protests that publisher Alfred A. Knopf raped an Amazon rainforest to print the hefty 957-page wad of Bill.

The New York Times called the work "skanky, auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton's alleged Lincoln Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild" videos.

I did not bang that pudgy, beret-wearing, DNA-stained-dress-saving ho, Miss Lewinsky.

Though the book is jam-packed with what top reviewers call "boring stuff," its pages are not completely unstained by seminal passages penned from the Great Fornicator's indelible dip into "company ink." Clinton does not defend his handling of the Lewinsky Missile Crisis.

Clinton characterized his antics with the White House intern as "morally indefensible," but "grammatically, linguistically and legally defensible." He claimed he "did not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky" simply "because he could," and also because a devilish 3-inch-high JFK kept popping up on his shoulder quoting the Marilyn Monroe Doctrine to egg him on.

Clinton confesses that when he told Hillary about the non-affair she clubbed him with a Teflon frying pan. He also makes fresh accusations that special prosecutor Kenneth Starr screwed him on a Whitewater rafting expedition.

But perhaps most telling of all, the former president confides that when making key decisions he always listens more closely to his left nut than his more conservative right.

Related reading:
Maureen Dowd -- Because they could -- The Cigar - Miss Enron

June 21, 2004

I'm John Breneman and I approved this message
George W. Bush rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I admit it is not very nice to call the President of the United States a "flaming asshole," but that's just how I feel. I can barely stand the sight of his smug, lying face. But there he is on my goddamn television, every day, spending those millions from his bottomless campaign warchest.

In his latest campaign ad, the president displays his unparalleled talent for coming across as a jerk even when delivering a "positive" soundbite. Watch Bush's face and body language when he says: "I'm optimistic about America because I believe in the people of America."

He's got that half smirk going, and he's shaking his head "no" as if he's dismissing the latest pain-in-the-ass question about his war, as if he is about to add, "I'd be very careful about denigrating the spirit of the American people."

But that's just Bush playing one of his favorite, most transparent games. You know the one: No matter what the question is, Bush pretends the questioner has just insulted America and that he is stepping in to defend her.

I know it would probably be much more helpful to offer a reasoned, analytical critique of Bush's policies. But some days it seems more important to just call him a friggin' jackass and leave it at that.

Just pals
Refuting a recent Humor Gazette report that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein shared an intimate relationship that resulted in marriage and the adoption of a shaved-ape baby, a bin Laden spokesmen tells esteemed fake news man Andy Borowitz that the wild and crazy evildoers are "just good friends."

June 18, 2004

Sunday is Father's Day.
Here is a humorous salute to an outstanding dad, mine.

June 17, 2004

The Missing Link
What !?!?! You mean those 9/11 suicide bombers didn't come from Baghdad? Then why did Presidents Bush and Cheney brainwash half the country into believing there was a link between evil Osama and evil Saddam? I guess to protect us from all those weapons of mass destruction.

The commission investigating the 9/11 attacks essentially has said, "Read my lips, no connection." But Cheney is not convinced, pointing out today in an interview with Sesame Street magazine that Iraq and al Qaeda both make prominent use of the letter "Q."

The Humor Gazette has learned that Hussein and bin Laden were, in fact, gay lovers who adopted a baby chimp shortly after exchanging wedding vows in 2003. The source of this information is a report in the tabloid Weekly World News.

For an impressive selection of stories chronicling the zany antics of President Smirky, peel yourself a couple bananas and read the Smirking Chimp.

This Won't Hurt Much
Terry Jones of Monty Python's Flying Circus puts "torture" in perspective in this piece from the Guardian.

June 16, 2004




Fistful of Jelly Beans

By John Breneman

The presidency, The Gipper now reminds us, is performance art.

And so George Bush, badly miscast as leader of the free world, plays President George W. Bush -- part action hero, part villain, part Burt Reynolds ham -- with a devious twinkle and a trillion-dollar smirk.

It is no secret that to faithfully execute their duties as Infotainers-in-Chief, both men have drawn inspiration from iconic movie strongmen Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.

Dutch did Dirty Harry. "Make my day."
Bush does the Duke. "Dead or alive."

You with me, punk?

It's Dutch, the Duke, Josey and George.
And it can get a little confusing.

Did Reagan star in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)? Or was it Bush in "Hellcat of the National Guard" (1972)?

Was it Wayne in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or W. in "Sands of Mesopotamia"?
John showed us "How the West Was Won" and the West won the Cold War with Ron. Clint gripped his "Fistful of Dollars," Ronnie his "Fistful of Jelly Beans."

Mucho cowboy karma links the swaggering Duke to the Tumbleweed Shrub. Wayne played "The Lucky Texan" in 1934. Bush was born into the same role in 1946.

Duke did "Back to Bataan." Bush, "Back to Baghdad."
Wayne personified "True Grit." Bush personifies "True Git."

Year after year, Wayne rode the white horse in films whose titles now haunt the White House. "Born Reckless" (1930), "Two-Fisted Law" (1932), "Texas Terror" (1935), "The Lawless Nineties" (1936), "They Were Expendable" (1945), "Without Reservations" (1946), "Angel and the Badman" (1947), "Plunder of the Sun" (1953), "Trouble Along the Way" (1953), "The High and the Mighty" (1954), "Blood Alley" (1955), "The Conqueror" (1956), "Circus World" (1964), "Cast a Giant Shadow" (1966) and "Hellfighters" (1968).

You get my meaning, Pilgrim?

Once those tinhorn judges named Bush sheriff he headed East, Eastwood-style, packing a "Fistful of Tax Cuts," trigger finger on his .44 Magnum, itching to bust Saddam Hussein "Every Which Way But Loose." The star of "Sudden Impact" has had more than a subtle impact on the failed Texas oilman turned international enforcer.

Clint's movie titles, too, echo through the Bush filmography. "Revenge of the Creature" (1955), "The Beguiled" (1971), "The Dead Pool" (1988), "White Hunter, Black Heart" (1990), "Absolute Power" (1997), "True Crime" (1999) and "Space Cowboys" (2000).

"The Good, the Bad and the Axis of Evil."

From Knute Rockne to Newt Gingrich, Dutch and W. cross paths along the dusty trail. Rancher Reagan's brand was the Silver Screen, Bush's the Silver Spoon. Ronnie instinctively knew when it was "Bedtime for Bonzo." Not so with Georgie and "Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan ordered Mr. Gorbachev to "tear down this wall." The wall Mr. Bush wants demolished separates Church and State.

The Hollywood airbrush could never mask all of Ronald Reagan's warts. But he seemed sincere when he evoked the spirit of his 1943 short film "For God and Country." In President Bush's script those words read more like a soundbite from a spaghetti western.

Bush stars in Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11"

June 15, 2004

What's wrong with this portrait?
Did George W. Bush inhale some Iraqi oil fumes yesterday? Why else would he call Bill Clinton a man of "incredible energy and great personal appeal"? What a spectacle: Slick Willie standing next to an oil-based likeness of his mug while W. did the Texas Two-Face.

I know the unveiling of official White House portraits of a former president and first lady calls for a monetary lapse of bipartisan monkey dirt. But, call me cynical, I have this weird sense someone is trying to trick me when President Bush says of ex-President Clinton, "As chief executive he showed a deep and far-ranging knowledge of public policy, a great compassion for people in need, and a forward looking spirit that Americans like in a president."

This is the same Bush who weaseled into the White House saying Clinton had stripped it of "honor and integrity" and promising to fix it. His approval rating team apparently is working overtime to siphon a few percentage points, first from the Gipper and now the Slickster. He's a crafty one that Bush … crafty like a Fox News anchor.

And one more thing. Can someone enlighten me, why did Clinton say he felt like "a pickle stepping into history"?

I still like these presidential portraits by the 3rd graders in Osseo, Wisconsin. Check out their version of President 42 and his new bestest pal, President 43.

Next up: Oh, the things you have to believe to be a Republican today.

I urge greybeards and whipper-snappers alike to peruse the offerings of an estimable satiric publication entitled The Watley Review. In addition to purveying such fine political satire as "Rumsfeld Denies Knowledge of Scandals No One Knew About," this guy can make anything funny. Random example, turn signals.

June 14, 2004

Wall Street rocked by Capitalist Piggy Bank Syndrome.


Bereaved Bush takes Saddam's gun
on three-country rampage
(Click here or see below)

Bush impersonator Steve Bridges

June 11, 2004

Had enough of the real George W. Bush? Here's a fake one. Bush impersonator Steve Bridges says he got his start "doing impersonations in his youth of the Three Stooges."

In this article in American Entertainment Magazine, he quotes the real Bush telling him, "You see a tape where somebody looks like ya, acts like ya, talks like ya, that's weird."

Also, Molly Ivins chronicles Bush's Kiss of Death in Alternet.

Pandering for votes
Uncle Sam sez today would be a good day to vote for the Humor Gazette at the Satire Awards. We have a solid chance in one category: Best Presidential Satire.

The Gazette entry -- Bush drops a comic bomb -- satirizes the president's side-splitting weapons of mass destruction comedy routine. Your vote can make the difference. Plus I'd hate to be forced to launch a blistering series of attack ads against my opponents.

I need support from the following demographics and voting blocs: soccer moms; deadbeat dads; registered Whig Party voters; compassionate conservatives and knee-jerk, bleeding heart tax-and-spend liberals; Reagan Democrats and Kucinich Republicans; Iraqi detainees; hawks, doves, donkeys and pachyderms; red, white and blue supremacists; lesbian lumberjacks; slackers and Test-Tube Baby Boomers.

Other leading contenders in this category include:
'Mullet Men' crucial to 2004 Presidential Election
Hoosier Gazette
Bush Education Budget Provides More Basketball Hoops
to Inner City Schools

Sports Pickle
Protesters Persuade Bush to Postpone War on Iraq
Studio 8
Amidst SARS Confusion, President Bush Bans Sears
The Enduring Vision

My campaign has been endorsed by the non-partisan Gut-Buster Institute, Count Dracula, Local #612 of the Federation of Ball Busters, Crash-Test Dummies for Ralph Nader and the influential Bush people of the Australian Outback.

Don't let the jack-booted government storm troopers stomp on your God-given right to read sharp-edged political and social satire.

Vote Humor Gazette in 2004. Thank you for your support!

June 10, 2004

"Reagan: Cold Warrior"    CBS canceled "The Reagans" docudrama last November, but several other made-for-TV projects have the green light. ABC is reportedly negotiating with Jack Nicholson (right) to play a maniacal, wise-cracking Nixon who holes up in the White House with a shotgun rather than relinquish the incriminating audiotapes that would ultimately end his presidency in a hail of gunfire. Or how about Jim Carrey as a lanky, rubber-faced Abraham Lincoln?

Pompadour and circumstance    A heartfelt salute
to the man and his hair by a former Reagan speechwriter*

June 9, 2004

The Humor Gazette has obtained a secret Justice Department memo distinguishing between "good torture" and "bad torture," and setting the groundwork for an ingenious "few bad apples" defense in case the world catches on.

In a related document, White House legal counsel Alberto R. Gonzales opined that the "quaint" Geneva Conventions are a pain in Uncle Sam's red, white and blue ass.

The confidential memo, hidden by John Ashcroft in an iron-clad lockbox, says U.S. interrogators may utilize dog leashes, sexual abuse, and the mocking "thumbs-up" gesture considered particularly humiliating in Muslim culture. It is also OK to strip prisoners naked and photograph them hopping on one foot chanting the Pledge of Allegiance, but only the "Under God" version.

Frowned upon are such techniques as Chinese watermelon torture, unnecessary fatal beatings and using toothpicks to hold detainees eyes open while they're forced to watch reruns of "America's Funniest Prison Abuse Videos."

Also frowned upon, goody-two-combat-boots soldiers reminding superiors that the America they are fighting for believes in human rights and all that junk.

Hey, at least it wasn't some sort of Spanish Inquisition. (Remember the lads from Monty Python torturing an infidel using soft cushions and a comfy chair?)

Bush Denies Torture Rules Allow Use of Carrot Top Videos
Muskrat News
White House memo: How to spin Reagan's death    Confusion Road

June 8, 2004

Cowboy diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall" -- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?

But when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country -- "Bring 'em on," "Dead or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?

Poor Bush. Even Reagan had a military record.
He killed a dozen Japs with one steely glare, and 15 Krauts by sneering "Make my day." Not really. "Eyesight difficulties" limited his duty to in the Army's elite movie-making unit. The Hollywood soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)

President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The Humor Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new Saddam Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!" before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.

Rush Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity prank" and said Bush was just blowing off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for the big day.

This just in ... Ronnie saved Marilyn Monroe from a Communist takeover in 1959.

Regardless of one's political beliefs, there are many ways to honor the late, great celluloid president. And not just feeding a chimpanzee from a baby bottle.

Why not suck back a pack of smooth, easy-smoking Chesterfields? Just say Yes. The Marlboro President sure wasn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and puff for a paycheck. "Smoke 'em out if you got 'em."

These Reagan health posters are provided as a satiric government service by

Everybody Loves Reagan
Sort of. Here are actor Ian McKellen's reminiscences about his fellow thespian. King Lear is mostly kind to the Gipper but takes him to task for his silence on the growing AIDS epidemic.

This Modern World has a harsh Reagan-Bob Hope-AIDS anecdote (under the heading "Andy's hero"). … Andy (Sullivan) defends himself here (under the heading: "Reagan and AIDS").

Smoking gun
Now for some weird stuff. This guy "sued" Ronald Reagan for "deliberate, reckless, and nefarious disregard of his constitutional rights."

Say it ain't so.
Cuts in federal funding for guerilla theater threaten the future of The Ronald Reagan Home for the Criminally Insane.

Well I'll be damned. This site offers "Evidence that Ronald Reagan was the Beast of Revelation." I thought Commies were supposed to be the Devil.

The Washington Pox correctly predicted on Dec. 29, 2003, that congressional Republicans would pus for the U.S. to put Reagan's face on the moon. offers this point-counterpoint between Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And, what World Wide Web would be complete without Mr. T and Ronald Reagan Punching Puppets.

Almost forgot, around the time CBS pulled the plug on "The Reagans" docudrama, I did a short piece about a new "Reagan: Cold Warrior" action film. Don't miss Barbara Bush (George Washington) in her big-screen debut. In retrospect, why would anybody write a story called, Bush wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil?

And finally, let's all tip our cowboy hats to Ronald Reagan. In fact, why not get Dad a 29-pound bronze bust of his hero for Father's Day? Just $2,200

The George W. Bush model is an American classic -- a bargain at $400. I bought a case of 24 and sprinkled them around the apartment so I can be inspired by his God-based, devil-may-care leadership throughout the day.

This item is both precious and priceless. A timeless portrait of Ronald Reagan by Danielle, a third grader in Osseo, Wisconsin. Her friend Steven's rendering of a devious-looking George W. Bush (right) is both haunting and disturbing.

And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National Airport.

Reagan's death timed to distract attention from Bush's disastrous
D-Day speech
President Reagan Is Still Dead   The Daily Farce

Monday, June 7, 2004

Looks like my crack team of wisecrackers is going to take a crack at a humor blog. Here goes:

Ronald Reagan was handy with a wisecrack. Remember the time (Aug. 11, 1984) he was joking around before his weekly radio address? And he goes … "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

George W. needs more material like that, not his feeble "those weapons must be around here somewhere" schtick.

The Gipper was a quipper, alright. Here's one. President walks into a McDonald's in Tuscaloosa, Alabama (Oct. 15, 1984) and says to his aide, "What am I supposed to order?"

He even dozed off during a (June 7, 1982) meeting with Pope John Paul II. These fun facts from Reagan's irreverent, "unofficial" biography at Rotten Tomatoes.

The Gippernator also knew how to hold his own with even the cleverest chimpanzee. At this Reel Classics bio, Reagan explains that after making "Bedtime for Bonzo" (1951), he refused to do a sequel called "Bonzo Goes to College" because it lacked the "credibility" of the original.

Speaking of chimps and their clandestine role in running our country, read about more of President Reagan's monkey business at

The Jellybean President also had his philosophical moments. Like this tidbit from, "Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

Lifted from Slate via Wonkette: Christopher Hitchens recalls meeting Reagan, taking a sample of his right-brain tissue, and finding him "dumb as a stump."

Voodoo economics + 65    Alternet

Rushmore for Reagan    Specious Report
Earthquake memo rattles White House    Watley Review
Fossil yields clues about Stones' age    Humor Gazette

U.S. at risk of pterodactyl attack

By John Breneman

The U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain … or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to reveal the source of his information but said it definitely was not Ahmad Chalabi.     MORE

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Grain Expectations

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