Clinton penned memoir with company ink
By John Breneman
Bill Clinton writes that his dream of becoming president
began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy,
who told him the job was "great for nailing chicks."
As his biography, "My Life" hits bookstores today,
Clinton said he failed to launch a more aggressive effort
to capture Osama bin Laden in part because intelligence reports
indicated the terrorist kingpin had virtually no access to
"high-quality Arabian tail."
The book (subtitled "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am")
has already hit #1 on the Humor Gazette bestseller list. It
is also #1 at Amazon.com despite protests that publisher Alfred
A. Knopf raped an Amazon rainforest to print the hefty 957-page
wad of Bill.
York Times called the work "skanky,
auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting
that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton's alleged Lincoln
Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild"
I did not bang that pudgy,
beret-wearing, DNA-stained-dress-saving ho, Miss Lewinsky.
Though the book is jam-packed with what top reviewers call
"boring stuff," its pages are not completely unstained
by seminal passages penned from the Great Fornicator's indelible
dip into "company ink." Clinton does not defend
his handling of the Lewinsky Missile Crisis.
Clinton characterized his antics with the White House intern
as "morally indefensible," but "grammatically,
linguistically and legally defensible." He claimed he
not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"
simply "because he could," and also because a devilish
3-inch-high JFK kept popping up on his shoulder quoting the
Marilyn Monroe Doctrine to egg him on.
Clinton confesses that when he told Hillary about the non-affair
him with a Teflon frying pan. He also makes fresh
accusations that special prosecutor Kenneth Starr screwed
him on a Whitewater rafting expedition.
But perhaps most telling of all, the former president confides
that when making key decisions he always listens more closely
to his left nut than his more conservative right.
Maureen Dowd -- Because
Journalism.org -- The
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the brand new
about Rolling Stones' age
Fistful of Jelly Beans
By John Breneman
The presidency, The Gipper now reminds us, is performance
And so George Bush, badly miscast as leader of the free world,
plays President George W. Bush - part action hero, part villain,
part Burt Reynolds ham - with a devious twinkle and a trillion-dollar
It is no secret that to faithfully execute their duties as
Infotainers-in-Chief, both men have drawn inspiration from
iconic movie strongmen Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.
Dutch did Dirty Harry. "Make my day."
Bush does the Duke. "Dead or alive."
You with me, punk?
It's Dutch, the Duke, Josey and George.
And it can get a little confusing.
Did Reagan star in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)?
Or was it Bush in "Hellcat of the National Guard"
Was it Wayne in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or W. in "Sands
John showed us "How the West Was Won" and the West
won the Cold War with Ron.
Clint gripped his "Fistful of Dollars," Ronnie his
"Fistful of Jelly Beans."
Mucho cowboy karma links the swaggering Duke to the Tumbleweed
Wayne played "The Lucky Texan" in 1934. Bush was
born into the same role in 1946.
Duke did "Back to Bataan." Bush, "Back to Baghdad."
Wayne personified "True Grit." Bush personifies
after year, Wayne rode the white horse in films whose titles
now haunt the White House. "Born Reckless" (1930),
"Two-Fisted Law" (1932), "Texas Terror"
(1935), "The Lawless Nineties" (1936), "They
Were Expendable" (1945), "Without Reservations"
(1946), "Angel and the Badman" (1947), "Plunder
of the Sun" (1953), "Trouble Along the Way"
(1953), "The High and the Mighty" (1954), "Blood
Alley" (1955), "The Conqueror" (1956), "Circus
World" (1964), "Cast a Giant Shadow" (1966)
and "Hellfighters" (1968).
You get my meaning, Pilgrim?
Once those tinhorn judges named Bush sheriff he headed East,
Eastwood-style, packing a "Fistful of Tax Cuts,"
trigger finger on his .44 Magnum, itching to bust Saddam Hussein
"Every Which Way But Loose." The star of "Sudden
Impact" has had more than a subtle impact on the failed
Texas oilman turned international enforcer.
Clint's movie titles, too, echo through the Bush filmography.
"Revenge of the Creature" (1955), "The Beguiled"
(1971), "The Dead Pool" (1988), "White Hunter,
Black Heart" (1990), "Absolute Power" (1997),
"True Crime" (1999) and "Space Cowboys"
"The Good, the Bad and the Axis of Evil."
Knute Rockne to Newt Gingrich, Dutch and W. cross paths along
the dusty trail. Rancher Reagan's brand was the Silver Screen,
Bush's the Silver Spoon. Ronnie instinctively knew when it
was "Bedtime for Bonzo." Not so with Georgie and
"Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan ordered Mr. Gorbachev
to "tear down this wall." The wall Mr. Bush wants
demolished separates Church and State.
The Hollywood airbrush could never mask all of Ronald Reagan's
warts. But he seemed sincere when he evoked the spirit of
his 1943 short film "For God and Country." In President
Bush's script those words read more like a soundbite from
a spaghetti western.
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Bush takes Saddam's gun on three-country rampage
By John Breneman
diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make
my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall"
-- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?
But when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country
'em on," "Dead
or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne
wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?
President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The
Humor Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new
Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the
weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!"
before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.
Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity
prank" and said Bush was just blowing
off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting
his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for
the big day. Sources close to the president's inner actor
speculate that he went looking for Osama for a gunfight at
the Al Qaeda Corral.
Poor Bush. Even Reagan
had a military record. He killed a dozen Japs with
one steely glare, and 15 Krauts by sneering "Make my
day." Not really. "Eyesight difficulties" limited
his duty to in the Army's elite movie-making unit. The Hollywood
soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain
of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957).
Somebody should write a movie for Bush. You know he'd love
to do an Eastwood or Wayne flick. Or best of all, a Reagan
remake. I'm working on scripts for "Hellcats of the National
Guard" and "Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan won
fame in "Knute Rockne, All American." Bush played
an ex-president's idiot son in "Newt Gingrich, All American."
And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children
don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National
Bush's silver spoon cause forked tongue?
Even if the latest rumor is true, supporters say, President
Bush will not be the first Washington politician to speak
with a forked tongue. The state of the president's tongue
has provoked wild speculation, with critics saying Bush's
snake-like appendage proves he has been deceiving the American
After insisting that intelligence fall guy George Tenet resigned
reasons" (yeah, that's it), Bush was tight-lipped
on the forked tongue issue. When asked directly, he hissed
at speculation that his tongue has split down the middle,
either from habitual lying or from years of rubbing against
the silver spoon that has been lodged in his mouth since birth.
President nominated for Purple Chin award
Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being
injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike
tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about
ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes
when he hit a loose patch of dirt.
Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef
up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty National
Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss foolish enough
to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission Accomplished"
Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice
after choking on a pretzel in January 2002, also fell off
a hi-tech Segway scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch
Barney on its head last September.
Media analysts differ on what the president
might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute
into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey
for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot
himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention
from his malfeasant handling of the war.
claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
John Breneman The
U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida
may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to
1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain
or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department
wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing
that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered
Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft
denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract
Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war
and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to
reveal the source of his information but said it definitely
was not Ahmad Chalabi. MORE
pledges Democracy R Us for Iraq
John Breneman As the clock
tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to
a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point
plan to boost his bum
approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation
of those pesky words "Abu
Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us
did not waver from reciting each word that had been written
for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious
torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job
for just $1.2 billion.)
Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based
economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised
of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted
on their headgear. National elections will come soon enough.
But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert
millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents
with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need
seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the
Supreme Court to seize power. MORE
damage control gift pack
effective against sobriety
By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
Youd never do it for real, of course, but wouldnt
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner
weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin
And in this corner
mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore
Its wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
A lot of people want to Beat Bush these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John Coulda
Been a Contender Kerry.
But wait, theres more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he cant
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring
New poll finds Jacko is wacko
Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his
entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop
star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is
intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in
the bad and dangerous war."
Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat
It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt
more comfortable being represented by "someone with long
silky white hair." In other legal developments, Jackson
insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually
a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian
boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake
and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.
famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media
circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moonwalking
on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman
babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran
ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr.,
Pamela Anderson and Tinky
Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage
advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced
his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism
before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus
admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary
basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel
Lewis and Pee-Wee
Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an
unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.
Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate
with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a
photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.
In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents
said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he
is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is
a sick child molester. But 93% "strongly agree"
with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with
the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael
Jackson, moonwalking that fine line between artistic genius
and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."
denies plastic surgery escape scheme
"50 Most Insignificant People"
magazine's "What People Earn"