War President George W. Bush



Bush drops comic bomb with WMD gag

Did W. evade Boy Scout duty?

New allegations have emerged about President Bush's service in uniform, this time over his record in the Boy Scouts of America. Under fire about his time in the National Guard, Bush now faces tough questions about several merit badges.

WASHINGTON -- Longtime White House janitor Dusty Flores has written a new book with shocking "inside dirt" about the goings-on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Flores, fired in a December 2002 shakeup of the White House custodial team, said he wrote the book to call attention to the fact that President Bush is "kind of a numbskull who gets crumbs all over his desk."

The man formerly in charge of emptying the circular file at the Oval Office said he could no longer remain silent about President Bush's habit of soiling sensitive documents with bright orange Doritos residue. Or the president's incessant humming and doodling during sessions with his top-level advisers. TELL-ALL

In Halliburton
we trust

And the winner for Best Actor in a Geopolitical Drama is … George W. Bush in "Master and Commander: The Middle East Side of the World."

Bush, following in the tradition of the legendary Republican thespian Ronald Reagan, beat out Donald Rumsfeld, nominated for his portrayal of a bellicose Cabinet official who refuses to let international objections and shaky intelligence stop him from waging war in "Pirates of the Mediterranean: Curse of the Black Oil." OSCAR

Kerry calls Bush gang a 'lying posse of thugs'

John Kerry has refused to apologize for calling the Bush Administration "the most crooked … lying group I've ever seen." Kerry did clarify his remarks, however, saying he was not referring to the president himself, but rather "his posse of attack-machine thugs and corrupt, economy-pillaging advisers."

Bush campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's conduct "unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency," then added, "Just because the president accidentally fibbed about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't mean it's OK to go around calling him a lying sack of Shiite." KERRY

Bush on Wednesday outlined a plan to build a permanent outpost on the lunar surface and to use it as a base for manned expeditions to Mars. The speech writer, who claims he also persuaded Bush not to joke that he is "itching to explore Uranus," offered some insight into what prompted the president's sudden interest in outer space. SPACE

White House smear campaign
targets Humor Gazette

The Bush administration moved to silence yet another of its vocal critics today, mounting a smear campaign against the Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper that poked fun at the president's ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb.

Donald Rumsfeld denounced the Gazette as a "subversive left-wing laugh rag" whose editor is merely trying to drum up publicity for his new book, "George W. Bush: Behind the Smirk." SMEAR CAMPAIGN


The Humor Gazette today accepted the resignation of star reporter Arturo Dimanche after it was revealed the five-time Pultzer Prize nominee fabricated his most sensational fake news exclusives.

The revelation casts doubt on Dimanche's report that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas flashed the Republicans an "OK" sign before voting with the 5-4 majority to give George W. Bush the 2000 election. Also now under suspicion, his ominous August 2001 interview with Osama bin Laden's former butler.


President declares war on enviroment

President George W. Bush marked Earth Day on Monday by declaring a national "War on Environmentalism." Bush warned that the nation's petroleum-based economy is threatened by underground cells of environmentalists who actually oppose drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

"We're gonna smoke 'em out of their L.L. Bean tents and get 'em running," Bush said of environmentalists, adding that their leaders will be taken "dead or alive." ENVIRONMENT


Bush vows to stop 'Yankee madman'

Citing his brazen acquisition of the most powerful weapon in all of baseball, President Bush today called New York Yankees dictator George Steinbrenner an "imminent threat" to America's national pastime. Bush said the only way to deal with Steinbrenner, who shocked the nation this weekend by adding Alex Rodriguez to his already devastating arsenal, is to "take him out."

"Make no mistake, the Yankee madman now has the capability to wipe out the hopes and dreams of entire cities," said Bush, adding that a pre-emptive military strike may be the only way to topple the Steinbrenner regime. YANKEES


President calls for citizens to exercise

(June 25, 2002) WASHINGTON -- Warning that America has turned into a nation of "flabby lard-asses," President George W. Bush unveiled a national fitness initiative on Saturday after leading White House staffers through a grueling "Abs of Steel" video workout.

An estimated 60 percent of U.S. adults are overweight, said the president, who challenged Americans to get 30 minutes of exercise each day, whether it's running, walking the dog or just spanking the monkey. EXERCISE


Bush cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler

(Dec. 3, 2001) Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced today they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that human cloning is "morally right." This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.

These startling imaginary developments come just days after a Worcester, Mass., company announced for real that it had become the first to clone a human embryo. CLONING


Wile E. Coyote joins war on terror

Osama bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite Special Forces unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according to an exclusive TV Guide story by investigative reporter Clark Kent.

Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up to the speedy bin Laden on a rock-strewn dirt road in Afghanistan, but the mission was aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally flattened himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive terrorist. Pentagon sources confirm that Mr. Coyote is one of several animated agents who have volunteered to help fight for truth, justice and the American way. WILE E. COYOTE


Santa eyed for Cabinet post

Striving to bring together the divided nation, President George W. Bush is eyeing a universally respected figure for a key Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political baggage. SANTA


Old Man Bush beats son in sports

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine - The stock market dropped sharply yesterday when investors learned that President George W. Bush was a little depressed after his weekend trip to the majestic oceanfront Bush estate.

According to an inside source at the family compound in Kennebunkport, George W. celebrated his 56th birthday getting beaten at everything from badminton to bocce by his gloating father, the original President George Bush.

"The president's ego really took a thrashing. Frankly, I'm concerned about potential foreign policy implications," said Herb W. Bush, a local shrimp peddler who claims to be the president's "fourth or fifth cousin twice removed." BUSHES


'Friends' cameo to boost approval rating

Convinced that TV can reverse his sagging approval rating, President Bush's handlers have arranged for Sunday's unusual appearance on "Meet the Press" to be followed this Thursday by a surprise cameo on "Friends."

Eager to help the amiable chief executive, Ross uses his scientific knowledge to offer theories on what became of the weapons of mass destruction while Chandler quips that Saddam Hussein either flushed them down the toilet during a U.S. raid or "his dog ate them."

Bush's approval mark dipped to 48 percent this week as more people realized they don't appreciate it when their president tells them something as "fact" (Iraq's possession of weapons) that is actually a "load of crap." FRIENDS





Election 2004