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Trump tells Bush: 'You're fired'
Donald Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom
today to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of America
The superstar New York developer cushioned the blow by saying
he might be able to find something for Bush as a mid-level
executive in one of his shell companies or perhaps "clearing
brush" outside one of his skyscrapers.
a guy with a bachelor's from Yale and an MBA from Harvard,
you don't have much sense, do you?" said Trump, who seemed
to enjoy making Bush squirm a bit before dropping the axe
on the slack-jawed former president.
Trump said Bush had already been on thin ice for leading
his organization into an expensive, high-risk war that offered
little potential for return on the massive investment of taxpayer
But the final straw was the recent revelation that the president
knew all along his $400 billion Medicare plan would actually
cost $550 billion. Like many Americans, Trump also seemed
bothered that the White House misled the world about weapons
After sleeping on what he said was a difficult decision,
the man known as "The Donald" he woke up, dragged
a $6,000 Armani comb through his fabulous hair helmet and
ordered his helicopter pilot, Jeeves, to zoom down to Washington
to give "The Dubya" his walking papers.
Trump, who briefly explored a presidential run in 1999, said
he would consider filling in as interim president, as long
as he didn't have to take orders from Vice President Dick
Cheney like Bush does.
The star of the hot new reality TV show, "The Apprentice,"
Trump furthered justified sacking the president by saying
that, under Bush, the federal deficit is expanding almost
as fast as his own gargantuan ego.
In the end, Trump concluded, he had little choice but to
can Bush "despite all those crazy tax cuts he dishes
out for insanely wealthy guys like me."
Of course the decision was "nothing personal,"
Trump reminded Bush. "Just business."
infiltrating Washington, Wall St.
Recent reports of a steroid epidemic in Major
League Baseball have spurred shocking allegations about widespread
use of performance-enhancing drugs among stock brokers, politicians
and TV news reporters.
the brokers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange are
juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione, a retired Merrill
Lynch financial analyst.
"Those guys are animals. Once I was about
to buy 5,000 shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7,
320-pound broker just slammed me to the floor to block my
deal," he said.
"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000
shares of MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's
goon -- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed,
'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine
Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being
heard from Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped
politicians and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes
because they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece
filibusters and legislative "smackdowns" are all
the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers are returning
from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional watchdogs
say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers are turning
to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative performance.
"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring
12 pieces of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to
147 bills in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from
diet and exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist.
"God help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."
notes: All eyes are on Giants slugger Barry Bonds
this spring as closes in on the all-time record for baseball's
Jason Giambi, chisel-chest first
baseman of the N.Y. Yankees, raised suspicions when he reported
for spring training a scrawny shadow of his former he-man
self. But the shrinkage had nothing to do with quitting steroids
now that the heat is on; Giambi explained that he lost the
weight by laying off those fattening peanut butter and Human
Growth Hormone sandwiches.
Just in case Giambi loses
power, the Yanks signed the Incredible Hulk to come
of the bench and play DH.
And finally, Jose Canseco,
the original poster boy for anabolic goodies, was cut by the
Dodgers because he flat-out stinks.