Tyco party animal throws courtroom bash

By John Breneman

Tyco tycoon Dennis Kozlowski celebrated the mistrial on his $600 million corporate heist with a wild party that gave members of the jury a taste of his obscenely lavish lifestyle. Infamous juror #4 signaled her approval with a double thumbs up.

As jurors viewed a PowerPoint video of the $2 million birthday bash he threw for his wife, the corporate party animal inhaled a plate of jumbo shrimp cocktail, laughed, belched, farted, then wiped his pig-like face with a $3,000 Gucci handkerchief.

Prosecutors say the lavish toga party symbolizes the gluttonous corporate excess perpetrated by the former Tyco CEO and former finance chief Mark Swartz, accused of looting the company of $600 million.

The charges -- larceny, conspiracy, securities fraud and multiple counts of being a flaming asshole -- did not appear to faze Kozlowski, accompanied in court by his attorneys and an unidentified man-servant who fed him peeled grapes and Dom Perignon.

The tape showed scantily clad gladiators and gladiatrixes frolicking about the pool and a replica of Michelangelo's David pissing cold vodka. The birthday Bacchanalia also featured a performance by Jimmy Buffett, who sang 'Lobster Thermidor in Paradise.'

Kozlowski is seen on the video telling his guests, "It's going to be a fun week -- sailing, fornicating, drinking vodka from a statue's genitalia, wiping our asses with other people's money -- all the things we are best known for.'

Much later a drunken Kozlowski, stripped to his $15,000 Armani gold lamé underpants, is seen chanting 'Toga! Toga!! TOGA!!!' and smashing a bottle of 1902 Chateau Lafite Rothschild over his head.

Upon seeing himself on screen, Kozlowski convulsed with laughter and coughed up a chunk of his foot-long beluga caviar sub.

President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler

By John Breneman

Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced today they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that human cloning is "morally right." This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.

These startling imaginary developments come just days after a Worcester, Mass., company announced for real that it had become the first to clone a human embryo.

The claim, which sparked a torrent of publicity and criticism, has fueled the public's curiosity about a possible brave, and scary, new world. The issue has also raised profound moral and ethical questions, such as:

-- Shouldn't the creation of human life be left to the only fully qualified professional - God?

-- Do clones have artificial souls?

-- And, how soon will they be available at Wal-Mart?

Congress is now mulling a ban on human cloning. But lawmakers sponsoring the bill refused to comment when asked for proof that they, themselves, are not in fact clones. Existing boy bands and blond pop clonettes would be grandfathered, but all future cloning of Britney Spears would be banned.


Franken challenges Limbaugh
to fair & balanced smackdown

By John Breneman

Getting America's left ear to listen to the radio will require some gimmicks, right?

Al Franken, the noted liberal pundit turned radio wrassler, plans to pummel the body politic with belligerent Democratic banter, chatter and cheerleading, demanding to be heard above the relentless Republican shout-mongers Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. Hammer them with humor.

"Bush is going down, he is going down, he is going down!" was funny and feisty on Day One. But even the most brilliant Ann Coulter material ever conceived will not carry the day. Not even joking that the liberal-loathing Coulter said if Al Qaeda has to hit somewhere in the U.S., let it be the New York studios of Air America Radio. One of the funnier bits of Day Two was Franken whining about being forced to shill a product for people who constantly need to pee.

This is a cause that calls for hype. Steroid-fueled World Rhetoric Foundation megahype. This is Stone-Cold Al Franken vs. Stone-Stoned Limbaugh in a high-frequency smackdown! Don't touch that dial!

Next up, freak-haired boxing impresario Don King promotes the multimillion-dollar Franken-Limbaugh grudge match. "The Great Left Hope" vs. the "Great Right Dope." Franken, the former wrestler who persuaded a Dean heckler to shut up with a New Hampshire primary pile-driver, stepping to the mike against the acid-larynxed Limbaugh, the lying anti-drug liar whose appetite for OxyContin should enable him to absorb a daily flurry of left hooks, left jabs and liberal haymakers.

Al Franken is not a big fat idiot. He knows that to crush Rush and rile the vile O'Reilly he must rock the mike. Whatever that means. He's gotta come out guns blazing for his daily three-hour showdown at High Noon. (Note to Air America: Chuck D from Public Enemy is nice, but imagine 50 Cent jumping into the feud).

"A Franken balanced look at the Right" must walk the talk with smart, GOP-slapping satire. Funny stuff like diagnosing George W. Bush with a malignant fib nose, a rare Pinocchio-like condition that could leave him with as little as seven months to lead. Listeners will love scathing tirades about how Bush dropped a comic bomb, gagging on his own tasteless WMD joke.

So no more lying down and letting the lying liars get away with White House lies. The Great Liberal Radio Experiment is on.

"Good morning, Vietnam … I mean Iraq."

White House not pleased
with Humor Gazette

By John Breneman

The Bush administration moved to silence yet another of its vocal critics today, mounting a smear campaign against the Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper that poked fun at the president's
ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb

Donald Rumsfeld denounced the Gazette as a "subversive left-wing laugh rag" whose editor is merely trying to drum up publicity for his new book, "George W. Bush: Behind the Smirk."

Rumsfeld challenged the Gazette to produce evidence supporting its shocking allegation that the president suffers from a malignant fib-nose, a rare Pinocchio-like condition that may leave him with as little as seven months to lead.

Gazette publisher Arturo DeMaunchie declined to comment, saying he was distracted by a Blackhawk helicopter hovering outside his window. But a spokesman said the Gazette's vigilant commitment to fake journalistic integrity mandates that it painstakingly fabricate every word of its explosive investigative satire. For example, the paper pretended to interview multiple anonymous sources before printing its Feb. 13 expose "President may have evaded Boy Scout service."

Condoleezza Rice said the administration's policy of being really secretive about everything precluded her from commenting, but in an interview with Regis Philbin she said the Gazette is just angling to get Mel Gibson's people to option its script for "Lethal Weapons of Mass Destruction." REST of the STORY

Let phony horoscope guide you

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent.

But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving today. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question tonight. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your limitations guide you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Good fortune is on the horizon. Spend your next paycheck on lottery tickets. A beguiling stranger advises you to stay out of dumpsters today.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Complications involving a faulty prophylactic cause you to devote more thought to a special relationship. Treat yourself to some extra-strength Tylenol at dusk.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Encouraging news is probably inaccurate. Join an expensive health club and make a religious habit of never going there. Reconsider plans to have cosmetic brain surgery.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Slamming your hand in a car door could ease your emotional pain. Perspire freely among friends.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could prove fiscally unsound. Vacillate on key decisions, particularly those requiring prompt attention. Explore a career in taxidermy.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Follow your instincts on matters involving a reputed mobster and his rhesus monkey. Postpone an upcoming trip to Antarctica until winter. Use toothpaste and a brush for cleaner teeth. Eschew your food.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment. Consider body piercing to brighten your appearance. Using words may help you communicate your thoughts.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) A candid discussion with a loved one may lead to intense boredom and involuntary spasms. Plan a trip to a small Midwestern town you've never heard of. Becoming invisible could prove useful tonight.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless on the beach for more than eight hours. Domestic animals find you repulsive this evening. Avoid unnecessary death.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Spontaneity might not be wise today. Consulting the Herald Sunday horoscope may be your only hope of finding wealth, happiness and true inner peace. Heed the puny wizard.

A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

Related story:

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Kerry claims proof Bush lied about Iraq

By John Breneman

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare.

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.

Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months to lead.

But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.

Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.

Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."

However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position and called for an anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution.

The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).

Related story:

Cracking down on the boob tube

Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word and the First Amendment..

By John Breneman

The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe malfunctions" with stiff penal action.

Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her (bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.

The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717) imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms, fudge and fizzuck.

The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone else's -- must film a public service announcement warning young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.

"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of Janet Jackson's mammary gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.), interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.

Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission (FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word, the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.

Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and 43 minutes of television each day, during which time they witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing morons pretending to deliver "news."

This is OK.

But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and potty mouth among viewers under age 15.

Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous politician.

Latest poll:

39% of headline-hungry prosecutors believe Martha Stewart should be "made an example of" to "send a message" to the real
white-collar criminals.

0.3% of all Humor Gazette readers protest that satirical references to "Lethal Whippin'," "Jesus Christ, box-office superstar" and "The Bashin' of the Christ" are in exceedingly poor taste."

Latest telephone poll reveals: Americans hate telephone polls

By John Breneman

A recent Humor Gazette/XYZ poll revealed 59% of registered Democrats believe President Bush's blatantly political anti-gay marriage amendment constitutes nothing short of attempted same-sex assault against the U.S. Constitution.

The same poll indicated 82% of Republican voters believe John Kerry is waffling on whether continuing to waffle is a sound political strategy, based on the latest polls.

This is valuable information. Trouble is, Americans are becoming increasingly annoyed with telephone surveys. This according to an annoying telephone survey just released by U.S. pollster Polls R Us.

"We called 950 U.S. citizens from all walks of life -- most of them just as they were sitting down to dinner -- and 94% of them made it strikingly clear that they are extremely annoyed by telephone surveys," said company spokesman Richard Click.

The number of respondents who politely declined to participate has dropped sharply; and 63% of those contacted invoked at least one expletive before slamming the receiver down, up from 44% in a similar poll conducted last month.

The range of expletives also has expanded, according to Click, who noted that one particularly creative curser unleashed a barrage of invective featuring multiple ethnic slurs and five crude anatomical references, one involving a genetically engineered donkey.

Related stories:
New probe probes impact of probes
U.N. reports increase in number of assholes worldwide

"Our research shows that Americans truly hate unsolicited telephone calls," said Click, whose firm is on target to initiate 4.2 million unsolicited calls in the first quarter of 2004.

Among the 6% of respondents who said they don't mind participating in telephone polls, nearly half reported that they approve of President Bush's efforts to avoid a worldwide nuclear war but would feel safer if he could pronounce the word "nuclear."

Two-thirds of those surveyed said the media is far too infatuated with polls, which really have no value other than to produce meaningless date upon which pundits can pundificate.

The latest Polls R Us poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus 143%, also revealed the following:

2% of respondents claimed they were much smarter and better looking than the other 98%.

106% of those surveyed said Americans must improve their math skills to better compete in the global economy.

Grain Expectations

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