Tyco's Kozlowski throws courtroom bash

By John

KOZLOWSKI, next page

As jurors viewed a videotape of the $2 million birthday bash he threw for his wife, corporate party animal Dennis Kozlowski inhaled a plate of jumbo shrimp cocktail, laughed, belched, farted, then wiped his pig-like face with a $3,000 Gucci handkerchief. Prosecutors say the lavish toga party symbolizes the gluttonous corporate excess perpetrated by the former Tyco CEO and former finance chief Mark Swartz, accused of looting the company of $600 million. The charges -- larceny, conspiracy, securities fraud and multiple counts of being a flaming asshole -- did not appear to faze Kozlowski, accompanied in court by his attorneys and an unidentified man-servant who fed him peeled grapes and Dom Perignon.

By John Breneman
Trump tells Bush: 'You're fired'

Donald Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom today to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of America Inc. "You're fired."

The superstar New York developer cushioned the blow by saying he might be able to find something for Bush as a mid-level executive in one of his shell companies or perhaps "clearing brush" outside one of his skyscrapers.


"For a guy with a bachelor's from Yale and an MBA from Harvard, you don't have much sense, do you?" said Trump, who seemed to enjoy making Bush squirm a bit before dropping the axe on the slack-jawed former president.

Trump said Bush had already been on thin ice for leading his organization into an expensive, high-risk war that offered little potential for return on the massive investment of taxpayer money.

Steroids all the rage on Wall St.

By John Breneman

Recent reports of a steroid epidemic in Major League Baseball have spurred shocking allegations about widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs among stock brokers, politicians and TV news reporters.

"Half the brokers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange are juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione, a retired Merrill Lynch financial analyst.

"Those guys are animals. Once I was about to buy 5,000 shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7, 320-pound broker just slammed me to the floor to block my deal," he said.

"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000 shares of MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's goon -- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed, 'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine out!'"

Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being heard from Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped politicians and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes because they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece suits.

Violent filibusters and legislative "smackdowns" are all the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers are returning from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional watchdogs say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers are turning to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative performance.

"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring 12 pieces of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to 147 bills in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from diet and exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist. "God help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."

Baseball notes: All eyes are on Giants slugger Barry Bonds this spring as closes in on the all-time record for baseball's largest head. … Jason Giambi, chisel-chest first baseman of the N.Y. Yankees, raised suspicions when he reported for spring training a scrawny shadow of his former he-man self. But the shrinkage had nothing to do with quitting steroids now that the heat is on; Giambi explained that he lost the weight by laying off those fattening peanut butter and Human Growth Hormone sandwiches. … Just in case Giambi loses power, the Yanks signed the Incredible Hulk to come of the bench and play DH. … And finally, Jose Canseco, the original poster boy for anabolic goodies, was cut by the Dodgers because he flat-out stinks.

Capitalist piggy banks

By John Breneman

NEW YORK - Technology stocks continued their decline today as Wall Street reeled from an unprecedented surge of investment in companies that manufacture and distribute piggy banks.

Leading analysts interpret this as a sign that investors have finally figured out that the stock market is a gigantic sham and therefore are opting to horde their money in colorful pig-shaped receptacles made of plastic and ceramics.

"People now realize that most high-finance executives are greedy swine and that the market can no longer be counted upon to 'bring home the bacon,'" said Bubba Pennington of John Hamcock Financial Services. "They'd rather slip their hard-earned money into piggy banks than slop it into the corporate feeding trough."

Brown-chip stocks and pork futures also rose sharply, with brisk trading of Piggly Wiggly, MicroSty and Tenderloin Technologies.

But shares of AOL Time Warthog continued to plummet amid frenzied activity on the trading floor, where Wall Street brokers wallowed in discarded slips of paper while squealing like scared little capitalist piglets.


Arthur Andersen
hires consultant Pamela Anderson

Arthur Andersen has hired a high-profile consultant to salvage the embattled accounting giant, recently convicted of obstructing a federal inquiry into the Enron collapse.

Pamela Anderson plans to reinvent the firm with a sexy new identity cooking the books for the porn industry.

"Us Andersons have to stick together, even though they spell their name with an 'e'," said Ms. Anderson, dressed in a double-breasted Armani suit tailored to reveal what executives in the so-called Big Five accounting firms refer to as "The Big Two."

The Senate Banking Committee is analyzing this new development to determine whether the deal falls under its regulatory authority.

"We're looking very closely at her assets," committee chairman Senator Paul S. Sarbanes said of Ms. Anderson, who was once investigated by the S.E.C. (Sexual Entertainment Commission) for shredding documents related to a federal probe of bikini laundering on the set of "Baywatch."

Arthur Andersen also plans to specialize in bookkeeping for television sitcoms featuring blonde women with enormous "assets," according to new company spokesperson Loni Anderson.

John Breneman 6-21-02

Reinventing the $5

By John Breneman

(May 20, 2000) -- Stop the presses!!
There must be some kind of mistake.
The new five-spots are coming out soon,
but who's that fool on the bill and what has he done with Abe Lincoln?!?

Relax, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for all of this. No reason to be alarmed. Abe is perfectly safe. In fact, he's looking sharper than ever. He's still got that wise presidential twinkle in his eye, he parts his hair just the same as always, and his familiar right ear is even bigger than before.

It's just that the boys down at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing wanted our 16th president to look his absolute best for the big May 24 debut of the redesigned $5, so they sent the fancy new Lincoln portrait engraving out for a real thorough polishing job.

Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Lawrence H. Summers needed someone to stand in and do some of the promotional work that, quite frankly, someone as important and dignified as Mr. Lincoln should not be bothered with.

I mean, someone has got to tell the public about all the state-of-the-art security features on the new 5s and 10s -- the watermarks, the delicate microprinting, the realistic gangland graffiti spraypainted on the Lincoln Memorial.

And since I had done such a good job helping out with the introduction of the new $20 back in August of '98, my pals down in D.C. shipped me an exquisitely etched invitation to pitch in again. Naturally, I was eager to oblige.

See $5, next page