President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler
By John Breneman
Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced today
they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears
a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president
sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally
wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just
as strongly that human cloning is "morally right."
This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
startling imaginary developments come just days after a Worcester,
Mass., company announced for real that it had become the first
to clone a human embryo.
The claim, which sparked a torrent of publicity and criticism,
has fueled the public's curiosity about a possible brave, and scary,
new world. The issue has also raised profound moral and ethical
questions, such as:
-- Shouldn't the creation of human life be left to the only fully
qualified professional - God?
-- Do clones have artificial souls?
-- And, how soon will they be available at Wal-Mart?
Congress is now mulling a ban on human cloning. But lawmakers sponsoring
the bill refused to comment when asked for proof that they, themselves,
are not in fact clones.
Existing boy bands and blond pop clonettes would be grandfathered,
but all future cloning of Britney Spears would be banned.
Another bill, backed by the NRA, ensures that all American clones
would enjoy the right to bear firearms.
"Cloning has indeed opened up what we in the industry call
a 'can of worms,'" said Dr. D.N. Ayotte of the prestigious
Cells 'R' Us research institute.
Scientists around the globe have made astonishing advances in cloning,
according to Dr. Ayotte, whose federally funded research involves
generating human life from "a gob of pig cells" and a
can of Dinty Moore beef stew.
Several firms are exploring the use of cloned human tissue to treat
a range of ailments - from mumps and shingles to cerebral gallstones
and split personality. Researchers at Advanced Gridiron Technology
are developing replaceable limbs for injured football players, and
have already received a rush order for 250 of their "pop-in"
anterior cruciate ligaments.
Considerable progress has been made in the cloning of cows, sheep
and Regis Philbin. And McDonald's has just announced a new specialty
sandwich made with "genuine cloned lobster meat."
The economy has also been stimulated with a spate of high-tech
startups like Klonex Tissues, Levi's 501 Genes and Four-Leaf Cloners.
National security implications also loom large. Dr. Meddler of
the University of South Berwick said his team has achieved added
authenticity by equipping the Bush clone with subpar artificial
intelligence. The CIA has already interrogated him about acquiring
and deploying the W2.
But public concern about the potential uses and abuses of human
cloning is rampant. York officials have proposed an ordinance creating
the nation's first "clone-free zone." And anti-cloning
activists have predicted a grim future in which jack-booted government
clones take all the good jobs and parking spaces, while blurring
the already-fuzzy line between real and fake.
John Breneman favors a federal moratorium on all
future cloning of humor columnists
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