All the news that's fit to abuse, desecrate, adulterate, skew, twist, embellish, warp, humorize, fictionalize, satirize ... and print.

Have a Jalapeno Coke and a smile

The makers of Coca-Cola report that Vanilla Coke has become so popular they are now working on other new flavors of the world's most popular soft drink.

"Three out of four hard-core soda junkies say they enjoy Vanilla Coke," said Coca-Cola spokesman Marlin Fizzwater, adding, "Consumers will be happy to know that Vanilla Coke has 10% more potassium benzoate and a pinch more phosphoric acid than the other leading brand."

Industry insiders report that if sales of Vanilla Coke continue to be brisk, the company, which introduced Cherry Coke in 1985, will move forward with plans to launch a Chocolate Coke and a decadently carbonated Strawberry Short-Coke.

Also in the works are a trendy Coca-Colatté; a zesty, five-alarm Jalapeno Coke and a briny, pickle-flavored soda called Vlassic Coke.
Still in the research-and-development stage are: Garlic Coke, Diet Lima Bean Coke and Genuine Maine Lobster Coke.

Coca-Cola, invented in 1886 by Dr. John Stith Pemberton of Atlanta, was first marketed as a "brain and nerve tonic." Its popularity grew throughout the 20th century with such colorful marketing slogans as "The Pause That Refreshes" (1929), "It's the Real Thing" (1970) and "Things Go Better With the World's Favorite Multinational Beverage Conglomerate" (2001).
One of Vanilla Coke's selling points is its nostalgic appeal as it harks back to the drugstore soda fountains of decades gone by.

The lure of nostalgia also has high-level Coke pushers thinking about reintroducing one of the beverage's original ingredients -- cocaine -- in a controversial new inner-city soda called Crack!

However, Coke officials reportedly have scrapped plans for at least two new beverages: 97% of test subjects succumbed to severe gastric discomfort after consuming Coke-e.Coli, and soft drink researchers in Central Africa reported few survivors in taste tests of Ebola-Cola.
Meanwhile, longtime cola drinkers are bubbling with excitement over the next wave of Coca-Cola and Coke byproducts.

"Personally, I can hardly wait for them to come out with that new Nacho Cheese-Flavored Coke everybody's been talking about," said Joe Sixpack, 24, of Aspartame, Oregon. "I'm Coke man. I'd pay good money for any flavor they put out -- Tuna Coke, Asparagus Coke, Pineapple Upside-Down Coke -- you name it. I've been hooked ever since I popped my first Cherry Coke back in '87."

The soft drink maker, which is also said to be tinkering with an all-natural Tofu Coke, has long touted the soft drink's therapeutic effects.

"The health benefits of guzzling 2-liter jugs of Coke are well-documented," said Dr. Pepper, a pop culture specialist with the Sprite Foundation.

Coca-Cola shareholders, he said, are also very excited about a new Coke formula that burns unsightly fat cells, relieves stress and makes you forget that you are paying a buck for a couple mouthfuls of brown carbonated water that costs less than one-tenth of a penny to make.

John Breneman

Back to PAGE ONE