Nation gripped by Lady Jacko boob scandal

By John Breneman

Widely criticized as an "imminent threat" to the nation's perversely hypocritical sense of morality, Janet Jackson will not appear on CBS's Sunday night telecast of the Grammy Awards, even though her right breast was up for an award in the Best Nude Artist category.

Or maybe she will appear. TV's talking heads couldn't reach consensus at presstime. One source says Jackson will perform, flanked by a team of attorneys, in a booty-shaking pre-trial response to the obscenely ridiculous class-action lawsuit being filed against her.

The American people were "seriously injured" by Ms. Jackson's "sexually explicit conduct" at the Super Bowl, according to a Tennessee woman who is seeking billions in compensatory and punitive damages. Legal analysts say the case could help keep the networks safe for commercials about sex pills and scantily clad women peddling beer.

Justin Timberlake, Jackson's partner in her infamous Super Bowl soft porn episode, is nominated for multiple awards and at presstime was scheduled to perform his hit song "I Wanna Rip Your Clothes Off."

However, the Federal Communications Commission has warned him he may not disrobe anyone or whip out his "unit," no matter how tiny it may be. Timberlake plans to make the most of the creative restrictions, perhaps bumping and grinding on stage with his FCC chaperone.

CBS will use a tape delay system to censor any offending video or audio. But to be safe, the network has provided all participants with a list of taboo words and actions. In addition to profanity, performers and presenters must not say the words "butt-munch," "fiddlesticks" or "federal deficit." Also prohibited are the terms "nipple," "milk jug" and "musical integrity."

Topping the list of banned actions: same-sex kisses and fornication (simulated or real), grabbing a crotch other than one's own and lip-synching near another person's "private area."

This is not sitting well with some artists. A spokesman for celebrity couple Ashton Kutcher and P. Diddy said the media lovebirds are concerned they won't be allowed to fondle each other's egos on stage.

Nipple ripple effects: In related news, NBC cut a scene from the drama "E.R." that featured an 80-year-old woman receiving an emergency boob job and ABC reportedly has yanked a special called "America's Most Titillating Cleavage Videos."




Sports section



Super Bowl XXXVIII:
Thanks for the mammaries

By John Breneman

FCC Chairman Michael Powell is calling for a full investigation into the intelligence lapses which preceded the baring of Janet Jackson's right breast during Super Bowl halftime festivities on Sunday.

President Bush said neither the FBI nor the CIA reported intercepting any "chatter" about the incident that shocked and offended millions of families and children. Nor is there any evidence to support rumors that it was masterminded by alleged criminal genius Michael Jackson.

"Naked aggression of this sort will not be tolerated," said President Bush. "Nobody wants to see Miss Jackson's supple, pouting breast…" The president paused before excusing himself to go review the slo-motion videotape again.

Powell of the FCC stamped his feet and said he was "outraged" by what he called a "classless, crass and deplorable stunt." Then, off camera just after his statement, Powell said, "Man, so this is my big moment in the spotlight. Cool."

LaToya Jackson held a Monday press conference to defend her sister. Dressed in a G-string and a provocative bustier made from a live cobra and two geckos, Miss Jackson said her family members are victims of a society that has come to expect "increasingly bizarre and shocking behavior from its Jacksons."

Justin Timberlake, who participated in the stunt and then pretended it was an accident, apologized for the "wardrobe malfunction" and said he never intended such an innocent moment of artistic expression to divert attention from real issue: the right of celebrities to perform lewd acts that draw attention to themselves and sell more records.

A bipartisan panel will be appointed to watch the tape over and over again. Part of its mission is to determine if there is a single child left in America who hasn't already been exposed to so much filth that they were actually traumatized by the incident.

The FCC is also taking steps to insure that things do not get out of hand at next year's Super Bowl halftime sex orgy.


Houston, we have a Super Bowl

By John Breneman

HOUSTON -- TV officials say this year's Super Bowl will be watched around the globe by an estimated 1 billion people. And with this year's contest being held on NASA's homefield, CBS will use a special "Hubble telescope-cam" to beam images of the game to distant planets and galaxies.

Planet Earth, indeed our very solar system, is humming with Super Bowl fever. The Mars rover Opportunity is even conducting a secret mission to determine whether football could be played in the Martian atmosphere and, if so, how low-gravity conditions would affect the passing game.

Sunday's super-broadcast will go out to 200 countries in 28 languages with subtitles for viewers in Europe, Asia and parts of Arkansas. It will be close-captioned for the pigskin-impaired.

The game truly has become an international spectacle. In North Korea, where President Kim Jong-Il is said to be a huge Carolina Panthers fan, the telecast is entitled "American Gridiron Devils XXXVIII."

The 164-hour pre-game show will feature Super Bowl analysis by Nelson Mandela ("New England 21-13"), Yasser Arafat ("Panthers suicide bomb the Patriots"), and Britney Spears ("Tom Brady is a hottie"). There will also be a poignant feature story on a star Budweiser Clydesdale who will miss the big game with a pulled hamstring.

The Humor Gazette has learned that Oprah Winfrey dominated the annual Celebrity Punt, Pass and Kick contest, flattening Arnold Schwarzenegger and knocking Woody Allen's glasses off.

Beyonce Knowles will perform the national anthem, joining such legendary performers as Barry Manilow (XVIII), Kathie Lee Gifford (XXIX) and The Backstreet Boys (XXXV) in the pantheon of Super Bowl anthem singers.

CBS will cut to sideline reporter O.J. Simpson just before halftime for a live update on his ongoing search for the "real killer."

Super Bowls are notorious for their halftime extravaganzas and CBS has pledged this year's gaudy intermission will be "the most annoying halftime show ever." Janet Jackson will take the stage with Nelly, Kid Rock and P. Diddy in a pop-rockin' salute to crass commercialism and celebrity egomania.

They join such legendary performers as Carol Channing (IV), New Kids on the Block (XXV) and Queen Latifah (XXXII) in the pantheon of Super Bowl halftime entertainers. Also at halftime, the Patriots and Panthers cheerleaders will team up for a high-kicking, knee-slapping salute to the anterior cruciate ligament.

In recent years, the trend has been more Super and less Bowl. Corporations that make cars and computers, beer and pizza pay $2.3 million to be on TV for 30 seconds while you go fetch another bowl of chili.

Of course, the game itself has become the perfect signature sporting event for our superpower nation -- body-armored millionaires bashing foes in a surreal arena of all-American overkill. Recreational violence with a VIP sideshow.

Former college cheerleader George W. Bush will call the winning coach in the lockerroom right after the victory, hoping the half of the nation that believes he is an incompetent, war-mongering jackass might think he's not so bad for a minute or two.

Betting on the game is, of course, illegal -- to the tune of an estimated $4 billion. That's enough money to buy an official Super Bowl XXXVIII fleece pullover and a batch of official Super Bowl XXXVIII nachos for every hungry child in the world.

The economic impact of the "game" was said to have been worth $367 million to last year's host city of San Diego, enough cash to provide health care for … ha-ha, just kidding.

The winning players get $68,000 each and what looks like a diamond ring on steroids. The losers pocket $36,500 and a diamond ring that is merely gigantic.

This year, the Microsoft two-minute warning will be extended to 15 minutes for a spectacular "Battle of the Goodyear Blimps" with celebrity pilots Tom "Top Gun" Cruise and Stevie Wonder.

Then as the game clock reaches :00, legendary spaceman John Glenn will flip a switch launching the Super Bowl XXXVIII commemorative satellite and a nuclear fireworks display that's chemically choreographed to scorch a radiant red, white and blue CBS mushroom cloud into the Texas night sky.

Several noted armchair psychologists have advised Humor Gazette editor John Breneman not to watch football anymore.