Tom Hanks to play "Jesus Gump"

Jesus Christ,
box-office superstar

By John Breneman

Resurrected by Mel Gibson as a Hollywood heavyweight, Jesus is now being eyed for the title role in dozens of new projects, including "There's Something About Mary Magdalene," "Guess Who's Coming to the Last Supper" and the controversial "Last Tango in Nazareth."

Tom Hanks reportedly is set to star in "Jesus Gump," but a source close to the universally beloved Oscar winner said he is also reading scripts for "Sleepless in Jerusalem" and "You've Got Nail."

Many of Hollywood's biggest stars covet a piece of the action.

Richard Gere will play a militaristic Jesus in "A Savior and a Gentleman" and Woody Allen a neurotic, nebbishy son of God in "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Crucifixion But Were Afraid to Ask."

Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" has stirred passionate criticism that his portrayal of blood-thirsty Jews is anti-Semitic. But the Aussie filmmaker dismisses the charges, saying the same thing happened with "Schindler's Grocery List," "Who Framed Roger Rabbi?" and Dr. Seuss's "The Cat in the Yarmulke."

Other religious leaders have made favorable comments.

Pope John Paul II gave the film two thumbs up, saying, "It is as it was … only with bitchin' special effects."

"Fast Times at Bethlehem High"

There is now some question as to whether the Pope actually made the remark or was just signaling for another jumbo popcorn and some Milk Duds, but his publicist said John Paul II is excited about making his big-screen debut opposite Burt Reynolds in the free-wheeling buddy film "Smokey and the Pontiff."

Also according to the Tinsel Town grapevine, Oliver Stone will direct the story of a long-suffering Vietnam vet in "Born on the 25th of December" and Sean Penn is on board as a cool surfer Jesus in "Fast Times at Bethlehem High."

Other big names attached to Jesus projects include Madonna in "Desperately Seeking Salvation," Quentin Tarantino in the ultra-violent "Reservoir Gods" and Gene Wilder in the madcap comedy "Start the Resurrection Without Me."

The busy son of God will also battle B-movie forces of evil in "Jesus vs. Godzilla" and heal America's ailing democracy in the Capra-esque "Mr. Christ Goes to Washington."
Meanwhile the controversy surrounding Gibson's vision of Jesus Christ, box-office superstar, promises to help make the film a mega-hit, but Tinsel Town insiders say it would be an altogether different story had he not scrapped the movie's original title, "Lethal Whippin'."

At the Movies


"Straight plan for the Constitution, man."

President declares war on gay marriage
Bush strikes blow for sanctity of satire

By John Breneman

WASHINGTON -- Citing an imminent threat to his base of support on the religious right, President Bush today called for a constitutional amendment banning millions of people from participating in what he called "the most fundamental institution of civilization."

"Dicking around with the sanctity of the Constitution is the only way to nip this thing in the butt," said Bush.

When reporters began to ask him how a vow of love and commitment between a same-sex couple threatens such relationships between a man and a woman, the president, as expected, turned his back and walked out of the room.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan later explained the president is acting on solid intelligence that gay men possess biologically incorrect weapons and are not afraid to use them.

Earlier, in an exclusive interview with the Humor Gazette, Bush confided his belief that gay marriage threatens our way of life because the thought of two men together "gives me the willies." When pressed, however, Bush admitted that daydreaming about two women gets him "a little hot," unless Rosie O'Donnell is involved.

Saying he is deeply troubled by the blatantly homosexual civil disobedience taking place in San Francisco, the president said a crackdown is needed before gay weddings spread to "real cities" like Las Vegas and Texas.

Bush vowed he would never relent in defending America from any threat to same-sex marriage. The sacred promise between man and woman enjoys a staggering 50 percent success ratio, he noted, an impressive number compared to, say, government, where about 17 percent of all promises are fulfilled.

President Bush, who proudly counts the "sanctity of marriage" among his favorite soundbites, blamed the crisis on "limp-wristed activist judges" and concluded his remarks by saying, "These people must be stopped from pledging their unconditional love for each other before it's too late."

Constitutional scholars say such an amendment would not necessarily ban gay people from using the same water fountains as heterosexuals. However, the American Civil Liberties union has expressed concern that conservatives may seize this opportunity to outlaw canine marriages (see related story), controversial dog-cat weddings and any union between a man and a farm animal or inflatable doll.

Crash-test dummies endorse Nader

By John Breneman

Ralph Nader's controversial quest for the presidency received a major boost today as the nation's crash-test dummies pledged their silent support.

Nader, best known in political circles for helping George W. Bush reach the White House in the 2000 election, rose to prominence in the mid-1960s when his book "Unsafe at Any Speed" led to new automobile safety laws.

"This president is a friggin' lemon," said Nader, invoking the terminology that made him almost as much of a pariah in the automobile industry as he is now among Democrats who believe his candidacy will help Bush gain re-election.

Appearing Sunday on "Meet the Press," Nader said President Bush ought to be impeached for lying his way into an unnecessary war and for being (actual quote) "a giant corporation in the White House masquerading as a human being."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded by giving reporters a nearly illegible fax that he said proves the president is, in fact, a human being.

Nevertheless, many leading Democrats are concerned that Nader's brand of straight talk will siphon votes away from the party's eventual nominee.

Terry McAuliffe, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, leads a long list of influential players who have begged Nader not to run. They include Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, the biggest name reporters could reach on Sunday to badmouth Nader's presidential bid, and comedian Dana Carvey, who said he would prefer to see Texas funnyman Ross Perot enter the race.

Opponents to Nader's candidacy also have set up web sites with names like and
Nader, who received a lovely thank-you note from President and Mrs. Bush after the 2000 election, is now accusing the president of "high crimes and misdemeanors."

Responding to "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert's question on how he feels about being called a "spoiler," Nader replied, "Gotcha, Tim! You're on my new hidden camera show - The Ralph Nader Ego Trip 2004!"

Going to places like Honolulu and Hawaii for holidays has become a norm as you can get cheap airline tickets from quality airlines like Thai airlines and fact that there are quality hotels like Hawaii hotels and Honolulu hotels present at these places have further attracted tourists who mostly used to go for an Orlando vacation.

Grain Expectations

Send this page to a friend

About the Humor Gazette                    Contact the Humor Gazette: